Of Going, Home & The Happening

Best Friend and I are settling too comfortably into a husband and wife routine. I made plans to shop today but she has most amazingly whipped up flavoured sushi rice, boiled potatoes with minced beef and self-kneaded meatballs to dabao to my place. How very nice and sly of her. So we ended up at my place for the whole night after an impromptu food buy at the supermarket and cooked even more stuff to add to the spread: Japanese curry, fish fingers, miniature Taiwan sausages, crawfish and sotong balls.

After bursting the tummies, we promptly switched on the aircon and slumped onto bed, and chatted before we both fell asleep. The chatting part lasted at most 20 minutes.

Next, tentative plans to make all sorts of dumplings, the cooked-in-water guo tie kind.

Nevertheless, we must try to maintain a healthy facade of being happening and cool.

Stay true to taitaidom and/or lianness! Refrain from being too homely!

MOS on Friday then.

*

Meihui msn-ing all the way from Boston:

A Harvard T looks nicer than a MIT one cos the crest is nicer. Harvard business sch or law sch? Imagine wearing that to ur local supermarket to buy cai.

Yes, in the light of that post (scroll to 30 Nov entry – news alert from here), possibly getting a Harvard T is a good idea. What’s a nice colour, since I doubt they have tank tops…what about windbreakers…hehe I pay you when you are back. Of course I want the law school one!!! We can be fashionable nerdies together!

*

On who’s going:

I always believe the onus is on the party who took the initiative to organise to tell who is going, whether it is a group thing or one-to-one, or it’s a tentative one-to-one but to expect expansion.

If we have fortuitously managed to establish some sort of habit ie usually we do a one-to-one, I will very naturally assume so, unless explicitly told otherwise, in which case I wouldn’t ask either.

If I don’t know you well but wouldn’t mind getting to know you better, I would yes you without posing that question. However if you failed to volunteer whether we are doing a private one or an orgy, I will fret all the way till date day. I’m unfortunately too well-bred to ask, and too face-conscious (in the sense I agree it’s petty to ask who’s going) as well. It has happened: an NUS pseudo fun crush (fun in the sense he made attending lectures and hanging out at canteen fun ie anticipating his appearance anytime, anywhere on school premises) who I barely knew asked me out during Honours year for the first time. I was 大方 about it and 暗爽 that this pseudo crush thing was kinda being reciprocated in an unexpected fashion (I always thought we would graduate without knowing each other). But I also went through all the see-saw motions of whether it is a one-to-one, wrecking havoc on my emotional adrenaline. I didn’t ask, even though I was dying to. Happily, it was a one-to-one.

One good way of getting round for the asked, who is dying to know, is to ask instead (in place of who’s going): Is just the two of us, hor?

This has the effect of making it appear that the asked person prefers to hang out with ask-er alone and also provide a lead-in to imply what you wish to know but cannot put so direct.

But to be come across as truly 大方, yes, I would advise not to ask at all and die in suspense if necessary. Cutting the nose to spite the face is not a bad mantra to live by.

A tangentially (almost off-tangent) related post for who to ask and who’s going just to share the kind of webby links and thought associations running through a girl's mind ie mine when faced with who's going and who to jio:

Social faux pas? Yup, if he calls Weixiang, and starts off by saying he's bringing along someone I know, does it mean I should bring someone we all know? Or, is it just a sitting together and moving separate ways once the score has been completely ravished by the orchestra, and I'm free to take whoever I like as my partner. Which brings us back to the original source of the problem. Who to take? And on top of that now, do I take someone who knows all three of us? And, is it a girl thing, that I'm fastforwarding so much? Like seriously, does it even matter?

Alternatively, can be like Ryan what, who just text-ed me: Want to go out with Justin, myself and maybe Eric, on New Year’s Eve?

Now that’s straight to the point. All askers should be.

爱你一万年

唐三藏 *morosely*:曾经有一份真诚的爱情放在我面前，我没有珍惜，等我失去的时候我才后悔莫及。人世间最痛苦的事莫过于此。

孙悟空 *looking damn annoyed at his 经典台词 being appropriated and recycled for the umpteenth time, and by his sifu no less, this time *：已经很多人会背了。

*

Haha, did I mention I love 情癫大圣, almost as much as the decade old 月光宝盒 starring Stephen Chow? Ostensibly a hilarious campy movie but in reality a love story, it was enjoyable to say the least. I’m very happy to have caught the sneak preview on Xmas. Whee.

如果非要在这份爱上加个期限，我希望是......一万年！

*

Dinner was at my all-time favourite hangout – Changi Village kopitiam - with YQ and Ryan, tucking into dim sum and crab beehoon and zi char. Don’t remember much of the exchange except the talk about 2005 resolutions.

I don’t remember making any, but I do recall being ridiculously happy and high at the crossroad of 2004 and 2005. I thought I was getting closer to closure and answers. So. But somewhere as 2005 unfolded, it turned out the question has changed and the seeker has no need for the answer anymore.

我的意中人是个盖世英雄，有一天他会踩着七色的云彩来娶我，我猜中了前头，可是我猜不着这结局......

For better and worse, I found myself on the Changi Boardwalk again tonight after a year and half has passed.

I have been misled, you have been misleading, and we really should never have been here at all.

Christmas 2005

Okay the last post was written too dramatically. Must have reality check and manage expectations of others, like those of my dear friend.

The non-religious Mr Dimples started off by saying he and his good friend (whom I do not know) were considering watching a church musical and asked whether I had anything on eve, and if I wanted to join them. Dinner will be herbal chicken and/or turtle soup at Geylang.

As we all know, I said yes eventually. Yes, even when I had no-no-ed Ruth and Elaine to attend their church performances.

My reasons: I believe Ruth and Elaine will have no time for me, and I wasn’t prepared to sit through everything, referring to worship and prayers. Plus, we had a car. And I’m sure we could leave immediately once the musical ended.

The musical wasn’t bad at all, just too draggy and needed heavy editing (that was I smsed you impetuously to say I’m having a dreadful time). The choir and music were really decent.

And then we (3 guys and a girl, ‘cos another had decided to join us) left.

Then we nua-ed at this tong shui place just opposite Great World City (couldn’t direct them to the Teochew mui place and called to ask but eventually dropped the idea).

Talked, talked, eat, eat, laughed, laughed and countdown.

Mr Dimples was very kind to insist driving through Orchard on the return journey so that we can soak in the lights and be Christmassy, never mind the scary population spilling across streets and towards oncoming traffic. Somehow we managed to drive out soon enough, but not without marveling why a large portion of the crowds is merely standing there and not going anywhere. Are they stoned, stoning.

That’s all. Not terribly exciting from Meihui’s POV, I’m sure. But I had fun.

Merry Christmas. I hope you are with someone dear, sweet and loving.

On The Second Day Before Christmas

This morning, Mr Dimples asked me out for Christmas eve.

Well.

I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything.

*

We just spoke on the phone.

I have agreed.

All I Want For Christmas Is You

Office parties are quite scary. They provide the best excuses to boogie and flirt like crazy.

As part of a Christmas item, I was the coveted young girl singing All I Want For Christmas Is You. “You” in question happened to be a very attractive and strapping man. Not the kind I would take a second look at on the streets, in the sense he is too good-looking (and therefore puts me off immediately in the strangest way). But can I confess he has the body of a God? I had to fondle him and ahhhhhh, those pecs! He’s so incredibly buffed and muscular. Apart from that, and those veins, plus that he smells good, seriously so not my type. But I want to worship his body.

Then you see people taking every single available opportunity to be sexy and come hither, and hug, hug, draping the self across another, and yet another and having a good time. It’s really letting loose with no inhibitions.

And there are the people who are physical as well as cheeky. The IT professional and I were casually propped next to each other, and suddenly the DGM half stumbled over and told me to be careful, because he (referring to the IT guy) likes young underaged girls. And later on, let on that he (DGM) himself was more dangerous and likes young, young girls too. Hahaha. And statements like that fly over very frequently last night. Went mad, lah.

But being the scholar is always costly and a casualty. When the DGM plonked himself beside me eventually, he was loudly chastened by another that he cannot be funny towards me, ‘cos I’m a scholar. Sigh. Now I know why I’m not getting more than the fair share of fun.

I was in a drowsy state a couple hours later, thanks to the free flow booze. Suddenly red wine was good, and even double shots of vodka tasted less vile (I don’t usually drink). I sat on the sofa and watched the remaining people dance to non-retro music (the blasphemy!) in a comfortable daze, occasionally breaking out of the reverie when people dragged me to join them gyrate..

On a totally irrelevant note, I won a $298 leather diary casing.

My Postmodern Affliction

I must confess having YJ leaving his mark here nearly induced a minor heart attack. Especially when he went “verifying with YQ proves nothing”… For the most fleeting and frightful moment, I thought someone else had been quietly reading. Not that there’s anything overtly adventurous and amorous going on at this site, of course (ostensibly only). Just that now and then, he quizzes lightly about the mysterious blog he knows I own but knows not of its dwellings. Was hugely relieved to see the YJ initials. Actually, that was an understatement.

Congratulations on finding your true love!

*

I can’t cover up too much for a skimpy outline. After all, it’s based on a very small and biased sample selection of my own superficial and tangential dating histories in a brave, foolish attempt to argue that the eventual emotional attrition is never my fault. The SAP gene is what links each premature story together and allows me to read reason into failed relationships.

Someone once asked, in all seriousness, what I would do to show that I like him more than a friend (on unwise hindsight, could that be the mutated SAP gene at work causing another roundabout, bizarre way of hinting??!!) assuming that I do find him attractive in that manner, because he claims my behaviour appears consistently and charmingly friendly. Therefore, my crystallised behaviour makes my intent (and desire) crazily unclear. To recycle the words of O2 which ring ironically true: I was accused of never getting the wrong idea.

As if that’s my fault (is it?). I told the person he has to verbalise his intent. I place more on what is enunciated. Oh yes, it has to be enunciated. Not emails, and certainly not handwritten letters either. Haha. Wang Yun, are you reading this? Are you blushing yet? This senior of mine and I used to write letters - real, proper ones - to each other when he was in the army and there were only a few streets between us! It was very prim lah, and fun! Anyway. So see, platonic people also got write long letters what. Moral of the story: speak!!

I’m so tired of reading, and reading, and interpreting. It always ends up a game of guessing. I know sometimes we know. The glint in his eye, my flirtatious tone, the knowing glances we exchange, that we find each other attractive. It’s an inherent feeling. You will know. Nevertheless, I always worry that I overread, so I underreact. I try not to be too flattered and bewitched by them all, especially the gestures part.

Another case in point: Look, great platonic SAP guy friends surround me! They are wonderful, dependable and fun creatures but I’d be nuts to think Minxiu - don’t panic, WMX, example only!! - is nursing a crush on me just because we drove to the very Italian Modestos for a Monday’s dinner when I told him impromptu that I was down and wanted a good place to chill. Or YQ is secretly eyeballing me and hence he willingly companied me to watch a play (not free, lah) equally impromptu. If my platonic SAP guy friends are already doing all these with me on a non-date date basis, how in the world do I differentiate (how to sieve sieve?!) non-platonic SAP guys from them, given that we are likely to do the same things together?

Maybe my own fatal flaw is the postmodern affliction of not knowing how to read anymore:

Bad Faith
On Signifiers

For O2 (Who are you?) who has left lovely, long comments:

Even if you are right and the SAP theory rings true on boys, is it not also possible that your responses are defined by your SAP background? By that, I don't mean that there's anything wrong with your personality, but merely your outlook on relationships and romance.

My SAP background hardly comes into play (unless it’s totally latent and buried. But I confess to being very Chinese ie buying into the whole repressed concept when it comes to R & R, even if it doesn't manifest in real life behaviour) here. But if there’s any decisive compelling factor that influences my outlook on relationships and romance, I would attribute that to my academic background in philosophy, especially the Continental field. I can’t help but to doubt, question like the quintessential irritating sceptic (and I’m the occasional cursed cynic). I need to have proper grounds confirming the existence of romantic interest and to examine the possibility of relationships with others. It’s very postmodern, very infinitely-regressive (and others denounce as counterproductive).

*

In 2001, after a nightwalk to celebrate the new year -

Mr Veins: I think we are playing a lot of games.

Me: We, as in you and me?

Mr Veins: I don’t know about other people.

Me: What games? I’ve always been honest in my dealings with you.

I’ve always regretted this conversation. Don’t know why.

It's okay. It's over.

Excuse Me, But I’m Chinese

But, but I’m Chinese, and so is he. He cannot be confronted, and I cannot close, and certainly not in that manner you proposed. I tried it just before Derrida’s demise, you know, with catastrophic results. My words just taste bad. I still remember.

The Depths of Shallowness
The Very Dead and The Very End
For The Pleasure of Seeing Him Again

Because I’m Chinese, and he is, too, and so we take the long route. We had walked readily, mostly in silence, and perhaps, in shame. Love cannot and must not come easy. There are forests to walk through, mountains to climb and stranger places to take me. Being Chinese makes it hard to be truly passionate. Sex is a no-no, but seeing each other flushed and sweaty is always a good substitute. Anyhow, I never know what to make of dates like these: dramatically Chinese in the most elaborate, pregnant and constipated sense, restrained and distant, yet close, because we are alone, by ourselves, in secluded places including a terrifying time on St John's island. It's weird, but nevertheless there are times I feel very cherished.

As an absolute aside: My concept of 暧昧 does not involve bedroom (or anywhere else) intimacy. That’s just too messy to handle in my Chinese world. (NB: And the character 暧, is pronounced as “ai”, not “ruan”. Tsk, all these pseudo SAP people…)

Then again, I may be still Chinese, but faith in his faithfulness and my own has worn thin. The China Doll is not as Chinese as she has thought.

*

Eek. You practised self-censorship and deleted a post.

I wish relationships, even pseudo ones, could be as easily erased. But the trace always spurts right across the page, in the writings one commits to restore confidence and convictions in lesser times when the memory collapses and doubt spills. Especially when I’m too sentimental not to keep them.

I know not what happened in the past (and I like to think I no longer care) but once upon a time, it appeared to mean something to two people. The words protest, on behalf of the one who has always under-read, to tell of an unlovable love story.

On The SAP Theory

I’m happy to learn that you are dating again. Can you help to think through a few questions to help me refine the SAP theory?

1) What does dating mean to you? What do you do on a typical date?
2) What signals do you send a girl whom you are attracted to? How do you convey that attraction?
3) What does “making a move” mean to you? How soon would you make a move?
4) What would motivate the move, and speed up the transition from passive to active?

Quoting myself and referring to 暧昧关系 (ie existing in an unofficial and unverifiable vacuum that is neither occupied by friendship nor relationship):

Is he from a SAP background. If yes, then heed me, and flee the scene. Or you can continue to see him, but on a strictly no strings attached basis, purely for the pleasure of his company. Don’t even try to figure out his intentions or second guess. Trust me, he doesn’t know himself. He is CONFUSED & IN DENIAL. Attempting to go linear and interpret his gestures is just gonna drive you insane.

It really refers to how the SAP guy is horribly wishy-washy in acknowledging attraction and actively doing something about it, and making it head in a particular direction. It’s a very laidback kind of attitude, that puts the girl through unnecessary duress and stress. Totally avoidable.

Updated- Emphasis: and not just wishy-washy. Sometimes the SAP male can do all the boy-friendly/lover-ly things without being conferred and accepting the status of a boyfriend/lover. What is the female supposed to think here? Oh, he’s still, just a friend? Oh yes, he is!

5) Have you had 暧昧关系 with girls before? Why would you consider it 暧昧关系? Did the暧昧关系 develop or die, and why?

6) Still on暧昧关系, what would make you want to clear things up (put the party in an official category ie friend or lover)? Why would you resist making things clear? How long would you allow yourself to be in an暧昧 situation?

I shall end abruptly here. Because I’m tired and need to do some work-related research and writings. You can email me your thoughts at angeline.ang@gmail.com or leave in the comment segment. All males with SAP school histories are welcome to take this survey.

For background to The SAP Theory, read this.

如果·爱

Scene: In the middle of a zi char dinner by the East Coast roadside.

YQ: Every time I look into the mirror after my swim, I think I look very buffed. But the buffness disappears after a meal leh.

Eric: Yah, I also feel like Mr Universe after my run and doing weights. Can see all the veins.

Me: *chokes* Err…guys. See the guy in the sleeveless top who took our orders just now? I hate to provide the reality check but now, that is really buffed and muscular lor.

Scene: Calling for the bill. YQ waving zealously.

Eric: We should let her (referring obviously to yours truly) do it, you know. We might get a good discount.

Me: I doubt it. He sees me having dinner with two guys. That just about blows it.

Eric: That’s the point. He sees you with two skinny guys and goes, these two are no match for me.

Me: Wah lau, actually the two of you are not too bad, okay. Lean is good. I have seen lesser ones *Flashback of Mr Veins*

The above was one of the little bits that cheered me up in a super-duper tiring week.

*

I’ve cancelled my flight to Hong Kong. It’s for the best. As a dire/direct outcome, my Best Friend cannot leave either. She has not disowned me as her Best Friend, for which I’m grateful and guilty. But I’m not feeling enough of either to prevent me from snapping at her impatiently when she caught me at my foulest.

This has been a bad, bad week. I’m very tired. Working gives me reason to stay sensible and dignified but my physical tiredness is holding me back when I’m dying to blast off.

*

I like Perhaps Love. Takeshi is as intense as ever, except I never quite got used to the job he had on his eyelids (he used to have one single eyelid and a double one, now he has both double!!), so that’s a very tiny minus to his overall swoonsome package. Did I mention he has the ultimate manly voice?

But to the plot, it is as realistic a modern love story as you can get.

Frivolous. Vengeful. Sentimental. Whoring.

我曾经有一个爱情故事
我开始怀疑它是否真实

我们把一切结束
爱是假如不是幸福
我比你清楚

我要你掉着眼泪
说你假如能回到最初
我却说不

Cold Nights

Again, life can’t be too bad if I can go for dinner on a working Tuesday night with YQ and Eric. Interestingly (even ironically), Minxiu had wanted to catch Cold Showers same time today at the infamous theatre where anonymous and forgotten old men supposedly jerk off while self-proclaimed film freaks suffer the indignities of being seen there on the pretext that it was for the love borne of movies. But the dinner was pre-planned.

(Don’t see the correlation? Two guys, one girl – get it, get it? Oh, nevermind. It was a lame link - but it was interesting and ironic because precisely it doesn’t work that way, not for us three. But I’ve got the Rent soundtrack in my hands now, and that’s what counts.)

*

I didn’t see the boyfriend at the wedding. His girlfriend came up and made small talk. It’s okay. The boyfriend isn’t who the onion lady thinks he is, lah. He’s got veins, but he’s too short, so that dooms it to the kill after it had too much of a head and heart start. Yes, the head and heart start, in spite of all our literary grounding that words don’t mean themselves and there’s always the eternal gap between enunciation and understanding. Now that we do recall those wise teachings, our paths are thus eternally deferred, and hence never crossing, and I’ve come to terms with my vulnerability and the maleness of absence.

*

Ruth and I went out with Dorcas on Sat night. It was weird, to say the least, to hear Dorcas bringing Mr Veins up (they are colleagues and have the occasional lunch together) and quizzing me lightly in a most innocent context. But I have been sullied by his presence, and embraced its cleaner cousin, absence and no longer know how to speak of us in the plural and in the same useless breath.

*

Entry, Interrupted with Bad Lines That Don’t Even Rhyme:

In work world, I’m important and I’m still small.
I’ve been entrusted to be in charge
And it’s been a steep and exciting learning curve.
I’m still high and
Moving, moving as such.
It’s a heavy responsibility
One which I carry
With bursting, bursting pride

Life suddenly has a direction. I feel good. Just quite, quite tired from rushing to get things done. Not just for this biggie, but also some others that I have my hands and feet in. Can’t extricate!!

I need to take off.

Goodbye, Cruel You.

The Bored Post

Late afternoon -

Boss: Quick, grab a copy of XXX!!! You kanna quoted okay. Die!

Me: Sure anot? You not pulling my leg ah!

Boss: Get 5 copies!!

Late evening – upon reading what was published -

Me: Wah lau you also kanna what. Worse, you endorsed my opinion!!! We make a great team!!

Boss: Yes! Agreed!

So that was me, and my boss in the papers. Quite cool, and very amusing. I had no idea I would be quoted. The journalist was, amazingly enough, factually accurate and did use my words accordingly without screwing/skewing the intended meaning. This was a pleasant surprise, considering some horror tales floating around from people I know personally.

*

I love April very much, even though she never reads my blog. She’s such a dear to join me in conquering the malls. We battled at Far East and I emerged victorious, with 2 pairs of the most exquisite, pretty earrings ever seen, together with a lovely, lovely baby blue charm bracelet and a VIP membership from the store.

I was supposed to shop for a dress to wear for Grace’s church wedding taking place today but the accessories rule supremacy on the must-get list the moment I saw them. I figured they would make any outfit sparkle, sparkle and look new.

Whatever the case, it felt pretty good to be decked out in jeans and a casual top and sauntering out of the house only at the provocative noon on a Wednesday. I can believe I’m still in NUS, and on my way to attending a 2pm lecture or taking the 2pm paper.

*

Why am I so busy? Where did all that time go?

*

Why is my house so messy?

*

I have resolved to keep track on paper my spending, using the little book Ruth gave me. My card bill came precariously close to a four figure digit.

*

I just want to stir things and stun you out of comfort and complacency. To make you sit up and take the mental note that you never mess with me, you never should.

*

For the onion lady, please pack condoms and lubricants.

For the man-whore, it’s wonderful that you have The Admirer! One only, cos the anonymous comment was yours truly, so that doesn’t quite count.

*

It’s The Wedding Day.

Will I see someone there?