My Postmodern Affliction

I must confess having YJ leaving his mark here nearly induced a minor heart attack. Especially when he went “verifying with YQ proves nothing”… For the most fleeting and frightful moment, I thought someone else had been quietly reading. Not that there’s anything overtly adventurous and amorous going on at this site, of course (ostensibly only). Just that now and then, he quizzes lightly about the mysterious blog he knows I own but knows not of its dwellings. Was hugely relieved to see the YJ initials. Actually, that was an understatement.

Congratulations on finding your true love!

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I can’t cover up too much for a skimpy outline. After all, it’s based on a very small and biased sample selection of my own superficial and tangential dating histories in a brave, foolish attempt to argue that the eventual emotional attrition is never my fault. The SAP gene is what links each premature story together and allows me to read reason into failed relationships.

Someone once asked, in all seriousness, what I would do to show that I like him more than a friend (on unwise hindsight, could that be the mutated SAP gene at work causing another roundabout, bizarre way of hinting??!!) assuming that I do find him attractive in that manner, because he claims my behaviour appears consistently and charmingly friendly. Therefore, my crystallised behaviour makes my intent (and desire) crazily unclear. To recycle the words of O2 which ring ironically true: I was accused of never getting the wrong idea.

As if that’s my fault (is it?). I told the person he has to verbalise his intent. I place more on what is enunciated. Oh yes, it has to be enunciated. Not emails, and certainly not handwritten letters either. Haha. Wang Yun, are you reading this? Are you blushing yet? This senior of mine and I used to write letters - real, proper ones - to each other when he was in the army and there were only a few streets between us! It was very prim lah, and fun! Anyway. So see, platonic people also got write long letters what. Moral of the story: speak!!

I’m so tired of reading, and reading, and interpreting. It always ends up a game of guessing. I know sometimes we know. The glint in his eye, my flirtatious tone, the knowing glances we exchange, that we find each other attractive. It’s an inherent feeling. You will know. Nevertheless, I always worry that I overread, so I underreact. I try not to be too flattered and bewitched by them all, especially the gestures part.

Another case in point: Look, great platonic SAP guy friends surround me! They are wonderful, dependable and fun creatures but I’d be nuts to think Minxiu - don’t panic, WMX, example only!! - is nursing a crush on me just because we drove to the very Italian Modestos for a Monday’s dinner when I told him impromptu that I was down and wanted a good place to chill. Or YQ is secretly eyeballing me and hence he willingly companied me to watch a play (not free, lah) equally impromptu. If my platonic SAP guy friends are already doing all these with me on a non-date date basis, how in the world do I differentiate (how to sieve sieve?!) non-platonic SAP guys from them, given that we are likely to do the same things together?

Maybe my own fatal flaw is the postmodern affliction of not knowing how to read anymore:

Bad Faith
On Signifiers

For O2 (Who are you?) who has left lovely, long comments:

Even if you are right and the SAP theory rings true on boys, is it not also possible that your responses are defined by your SAP background? By that, I don't mean that there's anything wrong with your personality, but merely your outlook on relationships and romance.

My SAP background hardly comes into play (unless it’s totally latent and buried. But I confess to being very Chinese ie buying into the whole repressed concept when it comes to R & R, even if it doesn't manifest in real life behaviour) here. But if there’s any decisive compelling factor that influences my outlook on relationships and romance, I would attribute that to my academic background in philosophy, especially the Continental field. I can’t help but to doubt, question like the quintessential irritating sceptic (and I’m the occasional cursed cynic). I need to have proper grounds confirming the existence of romantic interest and to examine the possibility of relationships with others. It’s very postmodern, very infinitely-regressive (and others denounce as counterproductive).

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In 2001, after a nightwalk to celebrate the new year -

Mr Veins: I think we are playing a lot of games.

Me: We, as in you and me?

Mr Veins: I don’t know about other people.

Me: What games? I’ve always been honest in my dealings with you.

I’ve always regretted this conversation. Don’t know why.

It's okay. It's over.