无底洞
I told Best Friend some days back that I’m concerned about my tendency to hedge and delay whenever people posed the impossible question about relationships and status.
Do you get that often, Ruth asked, apparently surprised.
More than I would like, I brood. I confess to hating are-you-attached questions with a vengence. Topping the list would be the how-many-relationships one. Mostly because I despise myself for not being able to be honest, and also in desiring to be honest, I end up with a headache, after re-assessing the “us” narrative once more and again.
Like serious. I do suffer from dramatic mental flashbacks whenever the traumatic question/s surfaces. Depending on which, a face or some faces would emerge and I give confusing, bewildering looks while giving ambiguous and complex replies to a deceptively simple question.
Maybe that’s the way to go – frighten the inquisitor away into less romantic waters.
Trust me, I would love to coolly say no and none but that doesn’t sound quite correct.
I should just learn to lie.
*
Same conversation, same night.
Ruth says if it were up to her, she’ll just say there was once this person who came very close to it (the relationship, I presume).
Which posed another issue. How to differentiate who came closest to it. The one with the intensity, the one that caused pain, or the one that had years behind it and so on.
Is a relationship more like a relationship when you have been together for ages and do the couple-ly thing, or one that you come to experience the sadness and anger associated with betrayal that it was almost like a break-up that never was, I managed to ask in one breath before I lost my theme and thread altogether.
I don’t think Ruth answered.
*
On a purely superficial basis, I went through my dating history (please take dating history tangentially in all superficial senses) to see if that’s a connection somewhere that always leads to eventual emotional attrition.
Now, it wasn’t always true that I like only guys with veins (obsession started in 1999 but I backtracked it to 1997), so that can’t be it.
Even though I like guys who are around the range of 1.8m (it’s something that I’m rather used to, since my platonic friends are also of that height), I have been out with people less than 1.7m too.
And I can go on but really, I have zoomed in on the fatal flaw, the one major connection that all guys I have been out with share – they were all from SAP schools, the usual Chinese, Dunman, Catholic, Chong Cheng (main) suspects, you know. Don’t ask me why. I don’t discriminate and it so happens.
Maybe that explains things.
The SAP education stuns the romance gene in males. Or let’s not even go there. It’s as simple as they really don’t know how to treat girls right, or have the sensibility and maturity to be gentle in a manly way. It doesn’t matter that the guy went to RJC or HCJC thereafter, and even enjoyed an overseas education in UK or US. The SAP past is deeply embedded, such that each of him tenses up in front of you, gets painfully shy, childishly torments you in a bid to get your attention (and hence, win the affections, he thinks), or is just unusually slick (to mask his embarrassment), or all of the above.
I’m being quite indulgent here in my assessment but there might be some truth I stumbled upon in my addled thesis and current unhappiness with history (and the soon-to-be, if not already).
SAP guys suffer from a chronic disability: They can’t sustain your interest – they can’t hold you long enough. Or even if they appear to be interesting and interested, they send out such befuddled signals that you throw in the towel and run away. Basically, they don’t play by the rules, not because they are fun and adventurous, but because they have no idea what the rules are! That is oh-so-horrible – they don’t know where to start and what to do, and just throws you off and disorientates completely with their aimlessness and lack of oomph. And I believe I’m repeating myself.
Whatever, in a bid to boost luck and love, I shall steer clear of SAP guys. They may be dependable as partners or friends, but they really suck when it comes to matters of the heart. My SAP platonic friends are free to disagree but I’ll stand by what I say for now.
I’ll be really happy to be proven wrong though. For if I were indeed a serial SAP dater beyond my control, it would be pleasant to know I can somehow sustain momentum in a relationship still with the right SAP guy.
Addendum December 14: If you have come here from takchek's latest posting, pls also read the following entries for a clarification of the SAP theory on SAP guys -
The Professional
暧昧SAP关系
Do you get that often, Ruth asked, apparently surprised.
More than I would like, I brood. I confess to hating are-you-attached questions with a vengence. Topping the list would be the how-many-relationships one. Mostly because I despise myself for not being able to be honest, and also in desiring to be honest, I end up with a headache, after re-assessing the “us” narrative once more and again.
Like serious. I do suffer from dramatic mental flashbacks whenever the traumatic question/s surfaces. Depending on which, a face or some faces would emerge and I give confusing, bewildering looks while giving ambiguous and complex replies to a deceptively simple question.
Maybe that’s the way to go – frighten the inquisitor away into less romantic waters.
Trust me, I would love to coolly say no and none but that doesn’t sound quite correct.
I should just learn to lie.
*
Same conversation, same night.
Ruth says if it were up to her, she’ll just say there was once this person who came very close to it (the relationship, I presume).
Which posed another issue. How to differentiate who came closest to it. The one with the intensity, the one that caused pain, or the one that had years behind it and so on.
Is a relationship more like a relationship when you have been together for ages and do the couple-ly thing, or one that you come to experience the sadness and anger associated with betrayal that it was almost like a break-up that never was, I managed to ask in one breath before I lost my theme and thread altogether.
I don’t think Ruth answered.
*
On a purely superficial basis, I went through my dating history (please take dating history tangentially in all superficial senses) to see if that’s a connection somewhere that always leads to eventual emotional attrition.
Now, it wasn’t always true that I like only guys with veins (obsession started in 1999 but I backtracked it to 1997), so that can’t be it.
Even though I like guys who are around the range of 1.8m (it’s something that I’m rather used to, since my platonic friends are also of that height), I have been out with people less than 1.7m too.
And I can go on but really, I have zoomed in on the fatal flaw, the one major connection that all guys I have been out with share – they were all from SAP schools, the usual Chinese, Dunman, Catholic, Chong Cheng (main) suspects, you know. Don’t ask me why. I don’t discriminate and it so happens.
Maybe that explains things.
The SAP education stuns the romance gene in males. Or let’s not even go there. It’s as simple as they really don’t know how to treat girls right, or have the sensibility and maturity to be gentle in a manly way. It doesn’t matter that the guy went to RJC or HCJC thereafter, and even enjoyed an overseas education in UK or US. The SAP past is deeply embedded, such that each of him tenses up in front of you, gets painfully shy, childishly torments you in a bid to get your attention (and hence, win the affections, he thinks), or is just unusually slick (to mask his embarrassment), or all of the above.
I’m being quite indulgent here in my assessment but there might be some truth I stumbled upon in my addled thesis and current unhappiness with history (and the soon-to-be, if not already).
SAP guys suffer from a chronic disability: They can’t sustain your interest – they can’t hold you long enough. Or even if they appear to be interesting and interested, they send out such befuddled signals that you throw in the towel and run away. Basically, they don’t play by the rules, not because they are fun and adventurous, but because they have no idea what the rules are! That is oh-so-horrible – they don’t know where to start and what to do, and just throws you off and disorientates completely with their aimlessness and lack of oomph. And I believe I’m repeating myself.
Whatever, in a bid to boost luck and love, I shall steer clear of SAP guys. They may be dependable as partners or friends, but they really suck when it comes to matters of the heart. My SAP platonic friends are free to disagree but I’ll stand by what I say for now.
I’ll be really happy to be proven wrong though. For if I were indeed a serial SAP dater beyond my control, it would be pleasant to know I can somehow sustain momentum in a relationship still with the right SAP guy.
Addendum December 14: If you have come here from takchek's latest posting, pls also read the following entries for a clarification of the SAP theory on SAP guys -
The Professional
暧昧SAP关系
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