The Depths Of Shallowness

Drowning, Drowning in Cynicism; Drunk, Drunk with Sentimentality; Down, Down with Love; Dunked, Dunked in Life. Desperate Discourse. Disposable Desires. Dusky Dreams. Delirium. Dignity. Despair. Doubt. Duty. Dewy Days. Divine Divide. Dump Everything that Bothers in The Depths of Defiance. 《我的快樂時代》唱爛 才領悟代價多高昂 不能滿足不敢停站 然後怎樣 All Rights Reserved ©Angeline Ang

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Location: Singapore

Tempestuous. Intense. Proud. Intellectual. Easily Bored. Consummate Performer. Very Chinese. Very Charming. Fair. Pale. Long, Curly, Black Hair. BA(Hons). Literature. Philosophy. Japanese. Law. Dense in Relationships. Denser in All Else. Brooding. Sceptical. Condescending. Daria Morgendorffer meets Kitiara Uth Matar meets Ally McBeal. Always dreamy, always cynical, always elusive. Struggling writer, artist and student, in that order please.

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Since morning, I've been on a quest to buy Michael Chiang's Private Parts & Other Play Things. All the major book stores, physical and online, dun carry it!MPH, Times, Borders, Kinokuniya, Select, Acma etc etc; I checked them all and each nope-d me happily in turn.

So I turned to Shinhao, my last vestige of hope and last line of defence as always, who can be relied on whenever I have a sudden desire (often irrational and I have to have it like Immediately Now-Now) to own something akin to the Holy Grail. Oi, oi I sms-ed My Miracle Man. How, how, I've tried them all. You got other places to recommend?

Sometimes Shinhao will become an extremely, seriously reasonable person just so to irritate hell out of impatient me. Thus he replied correctly: If all the books are sold out, they are sold out. If there are no new print runs, nothing can make them re-appear on the shelves.

Well, that I know too, you stupid man. But you were supposed to conjure up my miracle, that's why I asked. Quite miffed and miserable me, in mock anguish.

He: Michael Chiang is your colleague right. Go and approach him directly for the book lah.

Me: Huh? Why is he my colleague? Like duh.

He: I retract my previous assertion. Michael Chiang has recently left as CEO of X Publishing.

When I read that sms, i totally cracked up.

Me: Urgh. You fool. Michael Chiang of Theatreworks exists as a disparate and separate entity from Michael Chiang, ex-CEO of X Publishing in Singapore.

He: Okie. Further retraction.

Lawyers. Stupid people.

Anyhow, while all these were going on, I'm ingenious and efficent enough to track down the publisher (the source of sources) and yay, they have the book!!! So if I go down during lunch to Chinatown, I can own the book in no time. Sometimes, my sheer independence, never-say-die attitude and desire to own something really get me going somewhere (in this case, good,ole Chinatown). I'm so clever, I pronounced to Miracle Man subsequently. See, so clever hor?

He: Yes, I am actually looking for the landmark books website now. But no longer (now that you found it).

Okay lor, at least our minds run the same. But yay, I got the book.

Shinhao makes me laugh. He is such a dear. Irritating though, no doubt.

*

Exactly a year ago, I managed to hand in my brilliant thesis (Exactly a year later, I'm to discover it's not immortalised in the damn library but 'nuff about that crappy revelation). Anyway, a moment of mild mourning for those heady (headache and heartbreak too) days and slightly more intoxicating company. They have morphed into Mediocre Memories; therefore no longer quite mine. But for a short while, darlings, you are missed and I quite foolishly bothered to ask, why no mass gatherings huh huh.

*

I'm watching Untold Scandal with Kaile tonight 'coz he has free tickets. So I called up Jarvis and coaxed him to say he doesn't mind not watching the show with me so that I can have the *moral* (oh the unproven existence of 'moral' is such a pain!!!) ground ie oh see he doesn't want to watch with me that badly; it's all right; I'm doing both of us a favour.

*

New job, new responsibilities, doing things I believe in and love, with people I utterly respect. Go me! Yay, me!

*

And Shinhao is definitely right on one account: my materialistic nature. I can be mad at you but get me something pretty and I may consider being friendly all over again. Bribe me with bags and earrings, or just enjoy making me happy and smiley. I finally received the bag Chin Keak got me from Hong Kong. It's so funky! Kaile, pls learn. I'm using the bag today so use it as a template to make less disasterous purchases on my behalf (or for me) in future. The bag just screams *ME*. Heh. The earrings April got me are nice too. What can I say? Jude's going to Bangkok, Grace's (neither the lit or philo Grace but a colleague/friend) jetting off to Tokyo. More earrings and bags?

Monday, March 29, 2004

XIII(DEDICATIONS),
from AN ATLAS OF THE DIFFICULT WORLD

I know you are reading this poem
late, before leaving your office
of the one intense yellow lamp-spot and the darkening window
in the lassitude of a building faded to quiet
long after rush-hour. I know you are reading this poem
standing up in a bookstore far from the ocean
on a gray day of early spring, faint flakes driven
across the plain's enormous spaces around you.
I know you are reading this poem
in a room where too much has happened for you to bear
where the bedclothes lie in stagnant coils on the bed
and the open valise speaks of flight
but you cannot leave yet. I know you are reading this poem
as the underground train loses momentum and before running
up the stairs
toward a new kind of love
your life has never allowed.
I know you are reading this poem by the light
of the television screen where soundless images jerk and slide
while you wait for the newscast from the Intifada.
I know you are reading this poem in a waiting-room
of eyes met and unmeeting, of identity with strangers.
I know you are reading this poem by fluorescent light
in the boredom and fatigue of the young who are counted out,
count themselves out, at too early an age. I know
you are reading this poem through your failing sight, the thick
lens enlarging these letters beyond all meaning yet you read on
because even the alphabet is precious.
I know you are reading this poem as you pace beside the stove
warming milk, a crying child on your shoulder, a book in your
hand
because life is short and you too are thirsty.
I know you are reading this poem which is not your language
guessing at some words while others keep you reading
and I want to know which words they are.
I know you are reading this poem listening for something, torn
betweeen bitterness and hope
turning back once again to the task you cannot refuse.
I know you are reading this poem because there is nothing else
left to read
there where you have landed, stripped as you are.

- Adrienne Rich, 1990-1991

Sunday, March 28, 2004

There have been sporadic spleens of unhappiness lately.

*

Here're a couple of movies at the Italian Film Festival that I din manage to watch because the people I asked either said no very late, or din revert at all, resulting in the tickets being sold out in both cases. People really should have a sense of urgency and just.stop.swinging. Don't waste my time.

From GV site, Movie No.1:

Remember Me is the study of a seemingly content middle-class household whose individual crises tug at the seams of their fragile family unit.

17 year-old daughter Valentina yearns to become a successful television showgirl and is willing to do anything to achieve her dream. Her naked ambition reawakens her parents’ own buried aspirations and the cracks start to appear. Carlo, the father, runs into his childhood sweetheart she rekindles his passion and encourages his dreams of being a novelist. His disillusioned wife Giulia seeks refuge in her former career as a theatre actress and falls in love with her director. Meanwhile 18 year-old Paolo is full of teenage insecurities and merely longs for a girlfriend.

As a result of a near fatal car accident, Carlo is forced to think about what kind of life he wants. Will love prevail and will it bring true happiness? Above all, how long will it last? Ultimately all four of them are compelled to ask the question: is it possible to start over again?


I'm very sorry I cldn't watch this because it sounds like the would be story of my life. When my aspirations fail, do I end up a mediocre executive burdened by a family who never hears of my dreams and thinks I'm boring and useless? Do I project my dreams onto my children; what if they are not bright as I am (like duh, but I'd die if so)? Would I have get a second, third, fourth shot in life if I'd stupidly ignored/forsaken what I'd always wanted to do, missing out on The Opportunity; would it come my way, forgiving of my pride, naivety and impetuous petulance?

I wanted to watch this because I want to know how to handle my future, when it turns out as bleak. At least, there is something I can refer to.

Movie No.2:

Left alone in Paris whilst their parents are on holiday, Isabelle (Eva Green) and her brother Theo (Louis Garrel) invite fellow student Matthew (Michael Pitt), a young American, to stay at their apartment. Here they make their own rules as they experiment with each other’s emotions and sexuality, playing a series of increasingly demanding mind games. Set against the turbulent political backdrop of France in Spring 1968, when the voice of youth was reverberating around Europe, THE DREAMERS is a story of self-discovery as the three students test one another to see just how far they each will go.

Mind games, 'nuff said.

Even without the hindsight of wisdon, I know I could have easily asked other people who wld have agreed amicably at once to my invite. So why do I ask these faltering parties in the first place? I guess, I din know they would be this faltering, plus, this is gonna sound strange but asking people who (I know) would only too gladly and happily assent to my request sometimes make me feel extremely guilty, as if I'm taking advantage of their kindness, nice-ness and especially, their fondness for me. Hence, I do attempt to reach out to 'questionable' people in moments when I develop this something remotely moral, akin to a ridiculous thing called conscience, thereby superseding my consciousness that screams, don't ask these people who are likely to upset you!!!

My consciousness, I apologise for not listening to you; damn the conscience. But you know, my consciousness, that had I been sentient of you then instead of the conscience (never mine 'coz it's a figment of my imagination, hence article "the"), I would have known there is no such thing and I won't be led astray by it.

Anyway, I feel quite miserable and miffed about catching neither.

*

April asked me to go and watch Untold Scandal with her, then she backed out two days later on the grounds that her boyfriend wanted to watch with her. I hope it's self-explanatory and quite obvious why I'm displeased.

*

I'm supposed to watch Untold Scandals then with a relic, dating all the way back to primary school thus, due to a strange twist that had something to do with me being vaguely unhappy with the people in my life at the moment. I wasn't very sure about this, but when you are miserable, one tend to surprise oneself. And you give other people not so into ur life a chance to make you happy or to see if they may be perfect substitutes...well so then we're supposed to catch the movie next wed but last nite...

He: I am very sorry but I cannot make it on wed...I only monday night free this week, if you cannot and can wait, I very free next week...

I mean obviously it's not his fault, and he left me with a lot of choices, but thanks to the accumulated black karma, I was damn pissed. At him. Which was hardly reasonable but enough for me to delay response because all I wanted, if I had replied wld be to say, no need lah, I'll watch with other people. Which won't be nice at all. But Most-Likely-To-Happen.

*

Not very happy with people and people who can make me happy, I don't want to see them, yet.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

I hate stupidity of any sort, really, because there is no point in reasoning with stupid people. They just get all defensive and bite at you when you are backed by and buried in Reason irrefutably. And I most won't tolerate it when people insist on being difficult and 理直气壮 about their stupidity. I can overlook it if you are nice and I can see that you are trying, and appreciative of my attempts to communicate. If you are nasty and stupid, pls just jump off a building or something, just get out of my sight and life. You take shit from work; you take shit from family; and friends happen to be one of the few areas you can choose and control where you are not bound contractually to hang out and neither are you undeniably (eternally) related by blood ties. Cut the crap and let me cut you out

Last evening, the person in question was someone I haven't seen for a year +++++, no thanks to a study stint in Japan. Background to her: My JC mate, quite a good/close friends then despite utterly different temperaments and character, raised on a diet that cannot consist of fried, oily, spicy, unhealthy food. So the times we go out, it was always poor students' hawker fare since our JC is in hawker heaven. And she'd always ordered some soup-y thing. It's my way of accomodating, even though I'd prefer air-con and all, and a more quiet place. Not that it's a big deal but I do mind terribly when I think of how she never did quite reciprocate my thoughtfulness and willingness to suit her taste by surprising me with a "Let's go to XXX instead of hawker stalls today!"

(Even if I don't say it, I do keep track of how much any friend does for me and treats me and adjust my own attitude towards the person accordingly. It's not a conscious gesture but I'm afraid I'm calculative and I'd hate losing out ie liking someone more than the someone likes me; treating someone better than same someone treats me. In the long term, if I feel the person is not worth my time and attention and is taking what I do for granted, goodbye. I can't be patient and understanding all the time without seeing that you are making an effort to react likewise, even if I'm really effortlessly understanding and patient. Just put in effort and let me see you did, you moron, even if you can't do as well as me. Won't fault you for not being perfect me, but no effort rendered is hideously heinous)

So we talked on the phone about where to meet...

She: How about Holland Village? I've never been there before.

Me: Wah, you stay in hostel now issit? We both stay in the East mar. Holland Village is really way-off for me esp when we are meeting on a wkday and after work and all, you are quite tired and just want to lounge around asap.

Me (sudden thought): But hey, isn't it your birthday next week? Okay lar, let's go HV then on account of your birthday. I won't mind travelling. We go Fosters Cafe then, shall we? Since you've never been to any part of HV. It's one of HV's nicest spots.

She: Har? It's only a Cafe ah?

Me: It's a cafe cum restaurant cum bar kind of place. Fantastic ambience. Good place to catch up. Also got live, smoky singing. They are famous for their English steaks. Oops, can you eat steak?

She: Well, I guess I cld always order fish or chicken. Your treat right, since my birthday?

*Intermission* Now the thing is, I might have and I probably wun mind but now that she has the audacity and thick skin to bring it up, I do mind badly. Coming from someone who hasn't wished me happy birthday for two straight years and not buying me anything from Japan, or given me anything at all, I think she's not terribly bright, savvy and realistic and exists in a dream world. Mind you, set dinner at Fosters costs close to $40 per person.*

Me: Well, I guess I cld pay 50% of the bill...

and because I'm slightly irritated now, I don't think I want to travel all that distance to be with her (and I dun want to spend that much on steaks. Would rather go Lawry for high-end beef), so I try for Suntec.

Me: Hey, but you still can't do too much oil, fat, chilli and all that in your diet hor. Actually, shall we go to this nice chinese restaurant in Suntec then? No point mar, fosters is famous for their steaks and you can't order steak.

She: Har? Chinese food again?

*More than slightly irritated now, what har, what again. We haven't met for ages you know...and to remark chinese food again, you might as well comment har fish again; chicken again etc etc.It's part of the staples mar. It's not like you are very adventurous with ur palate. Moreover, it's only a fair thing to say if you have been to the restaurant already*

Me: They serve very good double boiled soups, herbal prawns and all. Perfect for your tastbuds!

She: What is the name of the place?

Me: 渔家庄

She: Never hear before.

*hello? which planet you from huh? 渔家庄 so famous also dunno. anyhow this also means you have no right to comment har, chinese food again...since it's a different restaurant.*

She: Aiyah actually I 随便, but chinese food again...

Me *very patiently and politely*: what food do you have in mind?

She: Well, we could do Thai or Mexician...you know...

Me: But they use a lot of lard and oil and chilli and salsa, you okay?

She: Oh is it? Well why dun we go Little India then?

Me*peng*: But Little India even worse!!! All curries and hot, hot spices and oils. Not to mention it's almost as bad as travelling to Holland V.

She: We can just walk around mar. I've never been there.

Me: I really don't want to walk around in my work clothes. Besides, won't it be nice to catch up instead of walking around? We haven't seen each other for ages. Not to mention Little India got nothing to see one.

She: Precisely, we can just take a short walk and we can leave.

Me *in horror*: You are not getting me. If it's a full day we are spending together, I won't mind see. But it's after work. Plus I don't know the area well either. The last time I was there, I was with someone who knew the place like the back of her hand. So we might get lost. Shall we return to the food issue and decide where and what to makan.

Me: Whhy don't you give me some places you have in mind instead of just listing the genres of food?

She: Actually I also dunno, I thought you knew more places.

Me: Yah but see, I have been suggesting but you dun seem warmed towards the restaurants I picked, so perhaps you cld at least name a place so that I can use that place as a gauge and make better suggestions that you okay with?

She: I don't know lar...anything

Me *patience running its death course*: Jiahui, you are not helping. You say anything but you have been quite dismissive of my contributions. Could you pls contribute constructively by naming a place, just one would do?

She: Oh no, this is happening again! Why are we arguing over food?

*yes, it's happening again, albeit more serious this time coz I've mellowed and matured and am less inclined to hide my feelings and can discuss with you intelligently and logically without blaming any party. Previously with her, we had our fair share of disagreements, which are largely due to her offensive tone and manner of speech. And what do you mean we are arguing over food? It can't even be considered as an argument*

Me *exasperated and amused due to the deluge of memories flooding in because of her words*: Well, maybe that's because we both have not changed. But seriously Jiahui, I feel that by your words and tone right, I feel pushed into a corner because I have no more alternatives and you are shooting what I say down so far. I'm not sure if you mean it but that's how I feel. So maybe you cld let me know in a nicer way or something because I am quite offended by your tone. And we are not even arguing; we are discussing what to eat.

She *raising her voice*: But that is the way I am; that is how I speak; why must I change for you, why you cannot accept me the way I am?

*I'm like, hello, now where did this come from? and you are officially labeled STUPIDnow. I really dun get why people must use the "accept me as I am" nonsense as if it's a gd reason for their actions. It never makes a gd reason precisely because the other party can reply "then why can't you jolly well accept that I can't accept you the way you are" and it's an utter deadlock for all involved. Accept-me nonsense is to be avoided at all cost because, isn't it obvious? *Rolls eyes* I believe all reasonable and sane and smart people shld never say that because it doesn't help or further ur agenda. By saying (it's okay to believe but cannot, cannot say. or even okay to say in a discussion but not use it as a weapon of reason 'coz it wld just show up your extreme stupidity) it, you have destroyed your all facets of sanity and reason in my eyes. Of coz I din say this to her coz that wld really escalate into an argument about her insipid and insensible, irresponsible remarks. Most of all, I din say it coz I'm ready to throw in the towel and throw away this friendship. It wld be wasting my precious time to reason any further. Tip: If you angered me and/or vice versa, and I dun make any attempts to communicate/explain/account, it must be I'm quite tired/sick of justifying and validating my gestures when we have gone through the same issues over and over again. I can't help if you dun put in effort to think and analyse*

Me *drawing on last reserves of strength and niceness*: I'm not wanting you to change. I'm telling you ur tone and manner offends me. By telling you, I hope you can account and explain that you dun mean it or you were careless and then I can/will accept. I'm honest with you coz we are friends and I'm sure you don't wish me to hide my unhappiness at your attititude. I've seen you with other people, Jiahui. With them you are nice and accomodating, so I don't understand why you appear offensive when you talk to me. It's not a big/small change I want you to make, but it's something you can consider working on and taking note to smooth our communication and make me happier.

She: Everytime I talk to you, I feel like I'm pushed into a corner too.

Me: How did I push you into a corner now?

She:...

She: I feel argumentative when we talked.

*Oh, babe, so it's all my fault huh. She's the second person to say this actually. Again, I offer you this: Dun blame your inability to reason on me. Dun blame ur stupidity on me. It's not fair. Just make a serious effort to think and improve the linearity of thought flow and analysis. I dun talk rubbish. Just because you are worked up and upset and embarrassed over the filmsiness of your stand doesn't grant you the right to pounce on me and blame for being argumentative. I'm merely pointing out the flaws in your stand and hope to understand if I have missed out something (hence I actually misunderstood you because you weren't clear and this wld eviscerate the air) or you can improve in your thoughts so that we can have a meaningful exchange on subsequent issues*

Me: But, it's also selfish when you want people to accept you the way you are, isn't it?

She: No! Why would it be selfish?

*I officially give up at this point. I hate stupid people, who are nasty and defensive and stubborn*

Me:...

She: Maybe we shld just meet another time.

Me: Bye.

Almost topping the list of my pet peeves too, apart from heat and stupidity, is also people who are escapist and who dun face the issue squarely, believing in the need to cool off. I can talk to you reasonably any time. If you cant, at least admit it. Don't run away. The more you leave me by myself while you bloody cool off and hide in the bushes, the less chance you have at reviving the friendship . I hate worrying about such things and have them hanging over my head so it's very likely I will just go "oh well, it's not worth hanging out with Stupidity who makes No Effort, is Defensive and Escapist and still 理直气壮 about its inadequacy."

I like to be happy these days. It's rare; it's difficult; but like everything, I give it my best shot.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

This evening, determined to be earlier than my friend for once, I found myself arriving 15 mins before actual meeting time, most of it due to bad travelling estimation. I was not supposed to be this early.

Now this friend has always been very punctual. Me, I arrive either on the dot or slightly late usually, no thanks to an awful habit nurtured by some other friends who have no qualms about keeping me waiting (I meet these friends late because they are always late, very late sometimes, and not too apologetic about it. I mind terribly because they are wasting my time and it shows disrespect for the date. Now I make it a point not to go out with latecomers 'coz they spoil my mood so dreadfully). Anyhow, as the many dates with this friend reveal, he is almost never late (not that I can remember of) and this evening, boliao little me decided to make him appear late by turning up early (unwittingly too early though).

Me*half-forlorn internally 'cos I quite mind any kind of waiting*: Sms me when you there.

He: I'm there.

I mean, this really takes the cake huh. Maybe I shall try turning up even earlier the next time to beat his time.

The food wasn't that great; overhyped. But the place got some class; that is true. We sat in the innermost corner which he claimed is the most comfortable. And I pointed out that the cushioned seats are the same everywhere. On hindsight, I suspect, by comfortable, he may mean has privacy...silly me, as usual :)

Called some things on our own, but shared a mutarbak.

*

Because, you are not someone, it's different when we do the same things together.

Because, you are the someone, it doesn't matter what we do at all so long as we are together.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Many, many years ago (20?),

Me: Ma, want to learn piano...

Mum: We are too poor, how about drawing classes? *promptly enrolled whining daughter in art classes*

*

Recently, watching the female lead playing piano on TV,

Me *accusatorily*: Ma, see the parent in the show no matter how poor also must scrimp so that daughter can have piano lessons. How come you cannot huh.

Mum: Aiyah, you know how poor we were a not, Very, Very Poor. You got attend art classes what.

Me: It's different. Why you cannot save the $$$ meant for art class and let me learn piano instead?

Mum: Piano Very Expensive. Anyway, your hand so small, sure cannot play properly one. Dun waste money.

*

Even more recently, sounding Mum out on the prospect of my learning to play the guitar (I may be contributing wholly to household expenses and an independent, respectable earner and all, but when it comes to spending regularly a certain amount, I'm not that independent yet not to "consult" my Mum and ask for her permission, even if the $$$'s all mine to spend :( The perils of being filial and morally chinese ...) ,

Me: Ma, I was thinking of learning guitar, since I din manage to learn piano when young. Now that I got earn some $$, may I?

Mum: Why you want to waste $$$ huh? I say dun learn; you want to learn then go (urgh!!! the ultimate chinese mother's way of saying you dare to defy me and learn, you die, no peace).

Me: I just wish I knew how to play something...

Mum: Aiyah, your hand so small how to play the guitar?! Waste money only.

*

So currently, I'm still not rich enough, my hands are never big enough and I'm only filial enough to respect my Mum's wishes.

Yes, I super gian to learn how to play the piano and guitar since young but my plans were always thwarted and my physical imperfections also convinced my Mum I shouldn't (excuse? but hands too small also can play wat; I remember a Japanese serial in which the girl also overcame this to be a professional pianist).

Well, I sure hope someone can play for me then.

Saturday, March 20, 2004

My eyebrows are well-groomed now, after another facial visit. But I feel they are two shades too thin for my liking, thanks to the neat trimmings. I feel terrible!!! I feel how I always feel after a disasterous visit to the salon, dejected, horrified, and internally wishing all the negative karma in the world descending on the person who dared inflict such emotional trauma. Like too short haircuts, all I can do is to wait for growth. I hope it grows; I heard some brow hairs disappear forever :( oh woe is me!!! *miserable* Which reminds me. I should be going for head hair trimming in a couple of wks or so. Another risk-taking venture. Call me a cautionary conservatist (whatever), but I'm super protective and defensive when it comes to hair. I really cannot stand bad cuts or dramatic changes. But a trim hopefully is safe; the obligatory one to keep hair in shape and prevent split ends.

My brows, I mourn for thee; thy demise, thou art missed. Well, please grow back properly and quickly.

*

Checking myself out in the mirror (inclusive of new brows), I attempt to see myself through his eyes from his angle while he is standing. No comments, except I'm damn short.

*

Went out with someone 1.8m, very tanned, lots of veins, who also reminds me slightly of someone from the back. This person also happens to be 6 years younger than yours truly. That was meant to be sensationalistic so I sure hope you din fall for that. Anyhow, I went out with two of my ex-interns (one of them fitting the description 'coz I was describing him and the other, a very sweet, occasionally saucy, very innocent baby girl) on Thu to East Coast, meaning to bowl and cycle.

Yeah, like you know how to cycle, the reader readily points out. Well, I can't, you are damn right and I have no wish to learn how. I have no wish either to inflict myself on my female companion 'coz the whole bike would just topple over for I'm sure she's very, very light and the balancing act won't work. But my male companion has kindly assured me he doesn't mind ferrying me. So I have graciously decided to take up the offer.

Except things have a mind of their own and refuse to work things the way you'd like to imagine taking place.

Partly was my fault. I set the basis for things to go super wrong. Forgetting that I may be the only queer around who enjoy ambling, I suggested to my companions that we walk from Bedok to East Coast as a prelude. My very young companions, I suspect, not knowing my extreme penchant for walks and underestimating my ability to cover a reasonable distance (reasonable as defined by them) said yes quite enthusiastically. I'm sorry, my dear.

So when we hit East Coast, all hot and drained and faint, and grateful to enter into the aircon place to bowl, shit, the place was closed for renovations. I was never more mortified and apologetic than then. More for myself, I told my young companions, not tp panic, we'll take a cab to Kallang Leisure Park and I'll pick up the tab. We din cycle 'coz the weather suddenly turned dubious and the long walk has quite sucked the life out of my poor baby girl who incidentally, had dance class in the morning. Ooops.

But bowling was fun. I dun remember bowling so well since the last time (2000 Dec) the endless supply of free bowling coupons for a week turned (forced) me into an at-least-will-hit-something bowler. My first game saw me with 4 spares and one strike and triumphing at 103 points. Fantastic playing!!! I also won the second game with 76 points. Amazing. Given my last game with Chinyi and April saw me with less than 50 points on both accounts less than a couple of mths back.

It's great fun to act like I'm only 18, and I'm out with my friends, and all I worry about are academic results at most.

*

I wish I'm 18 only. That would buy me more time to cram in so many things and to change some others. Then again, I wouldn't know him, and a whole other greater bunch of people.

I wish I'm 18 only, and all things remain, status quo :)

Friday, March 19, 2004

Once again, I must confess the eternal dilemma between Conceding and Accomodating Vs Control and Conditioning. It's hardly a false one.

When do I show, how much I feel, how happy, eager I am to see someone to the extent I'm hardly un-reluctant to make slightly more effort on my part to go out-of-the-way for stolen pleasures and when, do I feel plain guilty and horrified that I am not exercising more discretion and conceit over at my end than I really should, and say, No, Thank You instead of being a really thankful 很小的小女人 about his yes and "effort" to make up for things, grateful and appreciative that he is willing to see me at this time at all...AND actually sincerely believing this is a Major improvement?

I'm such a wimp. Urgh!

But does the convoluted and complicated sentence before this suggest I'm playing mind games and I really should just go along with seeing my friend, despite the change in day? What's the biggie in accepting his suggestion?

Background to my dilemma is simple.

He: Oh no. I've been told to go Parliament Next Tue.

He: It's a Budget event in the evening. I've done my research already. If you willing to trot down to Buona Vista next Monday, I can still proceed with researched plan.

He: Sorry about this, it came too last minute...

And I'm like, inside my head: But that would mean, if I'm willing, I'm totally travelling outta the way to see him. He's almost worth the trouble, given his ability to surprise and make me happy but, but, BUT, will I be making it too obvious I want to see him? It wun take much effort to travel there (yeah like it's ONLY 6-7 MRT stops? :) but will I be displaying too much emotions and feel to tilt the balance of stupid status quo? Certainly I dun want it to topple on my end!!!

Someone said to tell him let's do dinner in the Central District to make it fair to both of us. But you know what,

(1) I dun want to push my luck. Given he said yes to dinner in his term time...yeah, I know, I'm pathetic. It doesn't take him much to coax me and brainwash me into contentment. But I console myself that I'm understanding.

(2) More importantly, he claims to have a Plan. I do think if he already did the planning as he loves to, I should not ruin the plan (Besides, it gives me a proper reason to travel to Buona Vista, instead of the preceding wimpy one). I'm always looking forward to the execution of his "plans."

As an effort on my part to downplay my crazy, calculative thoughts and to act absolutely casual again,

Me: It is possible with slight effort on my part to travel there on Monday instead. Is it all right to say something of where you are taking me? Fair mah. I travel extra distance.

He: Variety and Cheap prices, yet with some class...That's all I can reveal...

Me: Air-con?

He: Yes, there shall be air-conditioning.

I think we are both insane. But at least status quo is preserved and not against my favour, I like to think.

I din concede too much, did I?

I must conveniently remember this:

爱, 使人不争气,不必赌一口气。

我不认为有风度就代表认输。


Indeed, 我有风度,不过, and here comes another disclaimer that I doubt anyone would believe but they are probably too sick of failing to convince me to argue against it, 我不认为我们在相爱.

亲爱的,我们相爱吗?



Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Disclaimer: I really do have an MDA seminar next tue. If anyone is wondering or mistaken. Rereading my last post makes me realise the necessity of clarification.

I got a pile of FilmFest booklets. If anyone's interested, let me know and I'll pass one to you. I'm gonna distribute some of them in the office today.

I'm watching with Po four movies (which tada, we have already bought the tickets yesterday!!!We are also watching 2 plays, one musical in April. which means I'll be seeing him an average of twice a week. He's setting a new record for friends I see most often who are neither my colleagues nor classmates. We already have a world record. Yesterday, in midst of negotiating what to watch, dissuading, persuading, and finally confirming, we made at least 10 calls at last count in 3 hours during office hours):

Twentynine Palms (my choice)
If you were me (my choice)
The Fear of Intimacy (his choice)
Perth (his choice)

Anyone up for anything on my list, some posts back?

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Today, I swing towards flippancy, acting like it's a casual, no big-deal sms that I decide to send.

Today, as I carefully punch in a few choice words that smack of neutrality, I smile at my own deviousness.

Bland and cursory it is, in a mostly incidental, somewhat accidental and by-the-way tone.

I press *send* at the height of my busy-ness so as to totally distract and distant myself from the wait.

Me: Are you gonna be mugging in the law library next tue? Dinner? I've gotta attend a seminar in Buona Vista late noon.

I wasn't sure if he was agreeble to meet. I haven't seen him for, if we count from the romantic dinner date, close to 7 weeks, and of course, we din talk much since. Not awkwardness, just mutual, muted consent, as always, to stay apart for a while, for now ,while we are (or more correctly, were, for me, since I've graduated) both studying.

It was on a whim that I sent, and I was, to be honest, not expecting a yes at all. Talk about under promising and over delivery, I'm afraid it's a lesson he taught me only too well. So when I received his reply, it was a pleasant surprise.

The best thing about him is the steady stream of mysteriousness that he likes to tease me with. Okay, chauvinistic, that he plans everything and doesn't tell me what he is going to do with me or where he is taking me. Still, I'm fine with that. Works perfectly 'coz I feel safe with him and he makes me feel special. When in doubt or when I feel seduced by other men, who are more generous with their time, who call me always, with whom I feel compelled to compare and he falls short then, it's something I try to hold on to and remind myself. Jude says I should believe it's a suggestive gesture of appreciation that shows extra effort and reflects my importance to the man. Yeah, dude, I'll believe. Even though I know some people think I'm a fool, sucker and all for wasting my time. It's okay. I agree with the accusations mostly. But heady times, like now, when it's so easy to stop being sceptical, I can be happy and bask in being lov.. oops I mean, status quo.

I do get sick of asking people or having people asking me what, where to go and end up repeating visits to a mediocre place that holds neither sentimentality nor gd food. He has never let me down, okay minus that incident, which probably doesn't count, 'coz he did consult me and heed my "advice".

He: I'll confirm details on Monday. It'll be a quickie in the vincity. Research required.

Equally, unbashedly natural and nonchalant, he is.

I'm not sorry I caved in to my desire and sms-ed. It's cool that he cued in.

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Offhand, reporters ought to take care of their phrasing and MPs, their choice of words:

Mr Charles Chong (Pasir Ris-Punggol GRC) said that while he was "no cunning linguist", he wondered if the oral sex legislation was still in line with today's mores - from The Straits Times (H9), 13th March 2004.

I infer from that single sentence which incidentally opened the serious article:

(1) Pun that backfired. Poor Mrs Chong. Get it? Get it? :)

(2) The word "wondered" really cast a bad light on the man. There is no need for wonder, obviously the law has lost all fashionable sense with regards to being orally adventurous. One would be an idiot to wonder and hesitiate pulling punches at what's so glaring and in-your-face. If the reporter had chosen the word instead of using a direct Chong quote, my goodness, I would sue, or at least rebut in writing that I was doing more than wondering if I were Mr Chong.

Imagine, just one sentence and I concluded this much without scanning through the remaining paragraphs. Literature, you have ruined my ability to read neutrally. Philosophy, you have made me an unrepentant critical reader.

*

I wish I knew 梁文福, was taught by him or had attended a couple of his lectures...my closest encounter with the man was in DHS where he signed my (his) book and asked me how old I was when I told him I loved his early xinyao songs (oops). That's about it. I still have the book. He is superbly talented in his youth. His best works were composed around my current age. Why the sudden mention? I just discovered that one of my favourite melodies by 南方二重唱 was actually written by him!! It's the legendary 红豆词2000, one of his most acclaimed early works, which I never thought to connect the two. Huh, so they are one and the same. Here's one (and only?) guy I won't mind taking the initiative to know if we were in uni at the same time.

今日一曲相思红豆 不为你们哪个消瘦
年少轻狂为你谱的新愁 他日你们还记的否
痴情笑我 爱强说愁
蓦然回首 春华已过
才子佳人神话代代依旧 菱花镜里白了多少 少年头

*

On a whim, instead of spending lunch money, I went on a shopping spree. Yay, reward myself for starvation in other words. Yup, all by myself too. Feeling slightly anti-social and so cancelled my pror appointments to spend time by myself and basically just rot at home and irritate the hell outta mum. Got milk (lotion), a couple of casual tops, and also met yet another old salesperson who asked if i wanted to rid my freckles. I like my freckles most of the time, till moments when I meet ppl like you, so no, thank you, fly out of my way please.

*

Went to Yamaha School on yet another whimsical whim and took for brochures home. Shld I? Take up guitar lessons? It's gonna be a long term commitment if so and I need to buy a guitar to boot. Considering but the thought lingers.

*

I want more pretty tops. Apparently, my next stint can wear jeans All The Time. Woah.

*

Errands to run for the next few days:

Pick up FilmFest booklet; it's still not out! Pick up the top that I ordered. Buy Saturday Night Fever tickets. Watch 20,30,40. Apply and use up leave completely. Reply to an email 3 months old and which I shld really finish up. I was half way through 3mths ago.

Thursday, March 11, 2004

I'm proud to be part of the statistics that trouble the Government so. Being young, single and female, and a graduate to boot, is always, in Singapore, as far as I remember, very wrong.

I hate being discriminated. Everyday, I see compaigns and news reports harping on the same themes and I just want to tell those generating the very blatant agenda of procreating to go and die. Romancing Singapore, kiss my ass. You just want my intelligent eggs to meet some good sperm to produce super Singaporean babies. And those who want us, the young, single and female graduates to be penalised and punished accordingly for remaining in our current state and maintaining status quo, shld be blinded by having 20 eyelashes falling into each eye at the same time before they drop dead.

Just read this from a Mr Robert Oei. A few choice quotes will do:

I believe that the core reason for the declining fertility rate lies in the priorities and values embraced by our young, educated and liberated women of today.

Nowadays, it is the woman and only the woman who decides when to have a family and how large it should be.

The women should give more thought to the country's long-term survival before the Government comes out with the stick in the form of disincentives or penalties.

For example, higher CPF contributions, or even an infertility tax, should be levied on them.

Like a donkey that refuses to budge in spite of all the carrots, what else but the stick can make it yield?


Reading it makes me fume. That Singapore still has such obscene silliness and extreme patriarchal manifestations. And this is just a sample of the nonsense filling up the papers these days. There are lots floating around, including contributions from male MPs and Hsien Loong himself. It's mostly silliness I'd like to ignore, but it scares me silly too to think these people may actually mean and believe in their own rubbish, instead of just saying it because they have to.

Some points:

Do I care whether Singapore survive as a nation so much that I would want to have 10 children to add on to its dwindling human resources? No, I don't. Does that make me a horrid person? Maybe only analytically immoral at most, since the state may die out but hey, that's the price any country claiming to be a democracy has to pay. Unless you are not a democracy, you gotta respect free will and choice, Singapore. You claim that you are democratic, so there you go, simple logic - You shld not pull the guilt-trip (which is totally useless, I assure you and just irritates the hell out of the very people you need eggs from) and tell us (henceforth us refers to young, single, female graduates) to service the nation. We refuse. There.

I think the real issue here is femalesness, the particular state of being female. Why doesn't the Government and media criticise gay and straight men for not finding a female companion? Why does the stupid spotlight always turn on us? Easy. The state itself is patriarchal and the law of binary opposites works such that a term is always valorised and the other denigrated. There is never equal value. So males win and females are blamed for everything bad and wrong. So go the various assumptions in dwindling babies: us refusing to procreate, too choosy, too career-minded. Nobody breathes a word about impotent men (there are lots more of them than infertile women), gays, men who are non-commital, ugly, disgusting, stupid etc etc who can't match us. They. Don't. Deserve. Me. Us. My Sisters.

Incidentally, the Government shld have foreseen this. Obviously, the more well-educated you are, the more you wld be calculative and expecting (not in that way of course) of a particular way of life and the kind of environment you want to bring up a child in. Surely it din think we wld blindly give birth? Or marry? Or whatsoever just to protect the state's interest? Thank you for subsidising my education, Singapore, but like the price you have to pay for democracy, by educating people, it's also inevitable that educated people, especially us, wld turn round to question ur gender-biased policies and refusing to back off from what is an unreasonable and absurd patriarchal imposition.

The thing is, I can't believe all the non-sequiturs those in authority use to persuade people to have babies. At least one talked at length in Chinese values and traditions, and sprouted 不孝有三,无后为大.

Like hello,
(1) We are not a Chinese society. We are multi-racial okay.
(2) And you dare speak of Chinese values and traditions? Din Singapore like just very recently relax its stance on uni requirement; Chinese is more or less made officially redundant and second-class, in addition to the language being increasingly pared down and simplified? You din even try to teach Chinese properly and you expect us to buy into your sudden admission of good old Chinese-ness?

I would like to rant more but getting sleepy.

Fuck me not for my eggs, please. Fuck you for seeing only the eggs.

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Have yet to read beyond 10 pages of 未央歌 and I bought another modern Chinese literary classic (actually, it's Japanese translated into Chinese): 失乐园. I remembered coming across the title in secondary school and thinking that someday I would read the book. Well, I own it now and I will read it once I have the time. Would read the rest by the same author too. I know the song very well though. Haunting melody. Someday, I shall watch the movie too.

My syntax is deteriorating to that of a primary school kid but do I care? I'm so tired. Simplicity rules. I shall type short and super simple sentences. Brain hurts. Sleepy. Sian.


失乐园(电影『失乐园』主题曲)

词曲:陈品 编曲:陈品

一个人拎着一箱遗憾 在夜的城市中心迷惘
挥霍着仅有的几滴眼泪 品味着再一次情路的孤单

相爱太难 放肆简单
感情要怎么收才不会受伤
我渐渐渐渐渐渐不敢想
要走多远才能将它遗忘

你别问 你别管
每个人都有那么一段
在人挤人的炫烂寂寞里
谁去理会 谁去理会
爱情的现实好虚幻

你别问 你别管
快乐的人也有权利悲伤
让我孤单让我自由的迷乱
让我忘记曾有人
对我的狂野那么冷淡

Saturday, March 06, 2004

The SIFF is back. This year's screening looks decidedly horrible and bland. Have difficulty picking out die-die also must watch movies. Yo Ruth darling and whoever reading this now, take a look and see if there's anything you like too and we cld always catch a couple together.

Those I've shortlisted for now


Sayew (must watch)
Rewind (must watch)
Twentynine Palms (must watch)
Pugot
Reconstruction
Natalie X
If You Were Me

And all the Chinese erotica which they claim are classics in their own right...

The list can be pared down or extended, very negotiable.

Where are my favourite quirky Japanese movies??? This year's selection so lousy...Dearth of Japanese Flicks :(

I was a good girl. Din have the buffet in the end. Jude unwittingly revealed he was going to Thailand with his wife in April. Which means he's gonna have to buy me a bag (does that sound scarily familiar or what :). Actually I think he asked me what I like. But...I shall place faith in his taste. He's a designer after all and he finds my new lunch bag (yes, courtesy of my cat series bought from Taka basement) immensely pretty and cute (It is! Many people have said so!) Plus, he has a secret weapon to aid him in his otherwise doomed quest: his wife. Who's a colorist and female to boot. Two people like that can't go too wrong when they're buying a bag for someone like me, right? Also asked if he could help me to buy nice, dangling earrings with his wife's advice, since things are so cheap there. When the date of departure is near, I shall bring my little treasury of earrings to show him the kind I like.

CK also bought me a bag from Hong Kong. I wonder how it looks like. April's earrings for me, I also haven't seen yet. Shinhao once said I'm too easily bribed, but who doesn't like to receive gifts? He probably never gets any and uses the bribing analogy as a reason to fend of buying anything. Anyway. Hooray!!!! I can't wait.

After lunch with the only young and cute male in the office (I saw a girl bio-ing my lunch companion and giving him second, third looks as she passed by us), I took part in a last min draw and emerged with free VIP tickets to watch Such Sweet Soorrow. There was a ticketing misdistribution, an honest mistake later in which the Finance AVP was very nice to let me have them. See, there was actually only one pair but they named two winners. It would have been odd to go together (long story) but it was the next best thing and I really din mind coz it was only fair. I'd hate to deprive him of the chance to watch the play but he said it's all right (anyway I got an escort all ready to accompany me) 'coz he just made plans to drive down to JB with a friend. Oh well. Yay!!!!! But it would have been interesting otherwise.

Review of Such Sweet Sorrow:

Such Horror. 'Nuff said. A pastiche of love quotations from Shakespeare's various works cannot raise a play without plot anywhere beyond bad. And try as I might, I cannot figure the significance of a particular scene. It contributes nothing to the play, saved to stretch the time and to insist on incorporating a play-within-play to ride on the cheem-ness and cleverness of such a stunt. But the stunt has been overdone one too many time to be effective in so many plays and the scene itself was truly redundant. The controversial (stupid) scene shows the actors and actresses as actors and actresses rehearsing the lines they have just uttered. It was oddly juxtaposed too, somewhere in between late end and early beginning of play.

Towards the end, it got slightly better, as in there were snide references made about Singapore, the future Prime Minister and the sense of foreboding as a scene was made to parallel another. But this better scene has really tenuous connection with the overall plot. Or shall we say the plot can't quite decide whether to mock religion or mock Singapore. Then there were all those awful slo-mo "dancers" appearing in almost very scene whose symbolism is totally lost on bewildered me.

Thank goodness it was free.

AVP said to tell him if the play was any good. Shall tell him I saved him from an excruciating time.

十面埋伏 S.H.E

Rap 随身莫忘打狗棒 锦囊带着绝情丹
凌波微步该闪就闪 Yeh Oh
就算得了倚天剑 身怀降龙十八掌
也别硬闯龙门客栈 Yeh Oh

不确定他是杨过 最好就别扮演小龙女
免得只等来一场伤心
(不要浪费蝴蠂 不要沉溺谷底)
上网就能变情侣 哪里还流行神雕侠侣
千万要小心一片真心 变成了 线上游戏

侠女们都请注意 爱情江湖多危机
面对敌人要冷静 Yeh Oh
甜言蜜语多动听 变成暗器就致命
十面埋伏的丛林 不要随便轻易动凡心

不是貌似张无忌 就是来自武当或少林
也许他早就声名狼藉
(好多红颜知己 拥有广大人气)
情书进化成简讯 网内互传省钱又容易
说一百次我好爱你 用不了 一成功力

爱要慢慢修炼 太心急 只会让武功全废
经过时间的粹炼 参透悟透爱的箴言
才知道你要的 是谁

Thursday, March 04, 2004

Offhand,

Some things are unconditional. Most are not. But just how comfortable I am with lifting the condition to make it unconditional has nothing whatsoever to do with reason or principle. It all boils down to how much I love the entity in question during the conditioned moment.

When in doubt (say supposing you are wondering if something is made in reference to you), you better believe it is, babe.

*

I want to read Anna Karenina by Tolsky

'There,' he said, and wrote the following letters,--W, y, a: i, c, n, b; d, y, m, t, o, n? These letters stood for: When you answered: it can not be; did you mean then, or never? - Aren't these lines pretty?

*

Frivolously and most friskily. I bought a pair of really lovely earrings on impulse. Love at first sight. The lady manager asked me if I were Japanese. Apparently, I have a Japanese accent, if that's what she meant when she said I sounded Japanese.

Now that's really taking things a bit too far 'coz I was speaking English.

*

Lunch @Japanese restaurant with Jude later. To buffet or un-buffet, that is the qn.

From a stranger's blog (20 feb entry):

I've had a livejournal in various forms (including talkingpoints and tsun_wee) for just over a year now, and I've earned quite a nasty reputation for myself. People have variously called me anal retentive, asshole, bitch and a sad lonely man. Some people have even deleted my comments from their journals, others have deleted me from their friends list, and at least one person has banned me from commenting in his journal.

But no one has convincingly refuted any of the things that I've written.

Occasionally, someone has the balls or the exhibitionist streak to say something nice about me publicly (see http://www.livejournal.com/users/miak/39978.html) though they don't have to. They don't have to not because my feelings aren't hurt (I don't have any feelings anyway), but because I have never thought that truth or sensibility needed defending.

I do what I do because my mind will waste away if I let it idle. I write the way I write because I believe that truth and sensibility are best administered precisely, concisely and unambiguously. Yes, there is room for me to be more forgiving and polite, but that would involve unnecessary words. No, I don't point out your mistakes - spelling, grammatical, numerical or logical - because I want to show how smart/sharp/flawless/mean/anal-retentive I am. I do it in the hope that people will learn from their mistakes and not commit the same spelling/grammatical/numerical errors again. As for logical problems, I do it to share angles that people may not have considered before and to help them sharpen their thinking. Sometimes someone tells me that I've misunderstood what they wrote. Usually it turns out that they weren't very precise in expressing themselves in the first place and I help them to clarify their thinking or writing.


I make mistakes too. Just ask cowie and scummy - who like to pick on my mistakes. And I take it in a positive spirit. If they're right, I rectify the mistake. I usually forget to thank them, but I do appreciate their looking out for me. If I disagree, we'll discuss it. I don't call them names (either to their face or behind their back), delete their comments, get upset with them, delete them off my friends list, try to defend an illogical argument tooth-and-nail or take the high road and pretend that the outcome of the argument doesn't matter.

You lose some, you win some.

A number of people have cold-added me to their friends list for whatever reason. I used to write better and more substantively in the past than I do nowadays. That's ironic because I have more time to think about things nowadays than in the past. The reason for the downturn in quality is that I've also been distracted by a lot more things lately. Just put up with this (and the vulgarity) for a little while longer.

I'm rebranding. I'm changing.

For the better, hopefully.

*

I wish people process their thoughts like him. Those in italics and bold, I italic-sed and bold myself, to highlight my absolute agreement. But he's definitely more concise than I ever will be.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Someone has been fiddling with my page. Or used some software to affect it such that it is no longer listed in the search engines. Possibly to divert visitors to somewhere else. Is there a point? Not like there's huge traffic here. But I have no time to deal with that now. So here's just a minder to do something about it eventually.

I need to do something about my ***. Once it's done, trust me (and I wholeheartedly believe in this), you have heard the end of my sense of futility.

What's stopping me?

BLOODY INERTIA.

I have been told I am a difficult person to understand. I dun necessarily agree with or take pride in that. People ought to think more, that's all. I merely take things a bit further to their logical conclusion or show up the loopy logic in your thought.

But sometimes, I think understanding is overrated.Even though I literally yelled at the person that I don't understand him and to stop bloody assuming he understands me, at the end of day, it's the company of someone whom I don't understand and who doesn't understand me (no matter what he claims) that I shamelessly crave. I don't want to understand him. I can forego that. I just want to be with him. We can be talking rubbish and upsetting each other, but dear me, it's fine by me. Does it mean the more we love someone, the more tolerant we are, or that standards and principles just fly out of the window ie they dun apply at all in such cases?

Nevertheless, I will like my friends to understand what I'm talking about whenever the life-is-meaningless mode is switched on (once every few months) and I get horribly depressed (in both senses) by my lack of accomplishment. In such moods, I tend to conclude that I have been shortcharged by various insane decisions I made in 1999 in the name of youthful folly that I'm paying a high price for now. In a way, if I had gone into Law instead, life now will be predictably challenging and I will be doing something that I know, that I have chosen with my eyes wide open. My status now, despite being gainfully employed, is on the edge. And this has nothing to do with being unadventurous.

With four years of my life signed away, it's four years of blank that I'm filling up slowly as I go along, which makes it quite difficult for me to plan anything or make significant changes since I have no real say in my development. So see, if I were in Law, at least all the corporate/ip law and litigation crap, I know I will be doing that. Now it's like huh, okay, thanks. And I do my best. Sometimes, I really wonder, if I hadn't signed on the dotted line, what will I be working as right at this moment? I really think the most important decisions are made at age 19.

Finally watched Monster. It's the fairytale gone horribly wrong for girls fed on a diet of love stories. But I'm a sucker for that myself. Like I once said to someone, I like to believe in something, even though I'm quite sceptical of its existence. Actually I think my exact words were: I believe in the romantic idea of it, even though I know it doesn't exist.

I need something to curb my excessive brain-ic energy. With too much time at hand due to having not-very-important-things to mull over, my brain automatically takes out my life to examine and critique. It is programmed to do so, help me!!! So I can't help but evaluate my life and be disappointed. Can we say circumstances are to blamed like they are in Monster?

I wish I had tangibles, very material, very physical manifestations of my accomplishments.

I was looking for Love, Along the way, I decided somehow Career is the perfect substitute. Now I'm still looking for both and quite tired out. I need more substitutes.