I hate stupidity of any sort, really, because there is no point in reasoning with stupid people. They just get all defensive and bite at you when you are backed by and buried in Reason irrefutably. And I most won't tolerate it when people insist on being difficult and 理直气壮 about their stupidity. I can overlook it if you are nice and I can see that you are trying, and appreciative of my attempts to communicate. If you are nasty and stupid, pls just jump off a building or something, just get out of my sight and life. You take shit from work; you take shit from family; and friends happen to be one of the few areas you can choose and control where you are not bound contractually to hang out and neither are you undeniably (eternally) related by blood ties. Cut the crap and let me cut you out
Last evening, the person in question was someone I haven't seen for a year +++++, no thanks to a study stint in Japan. Background to her: My JC mate, quite a good/close friends then despite utterly different temperaments and character, raised on a diet that cannot consist of fried, oily, spicy, unhealthy food. So the times we go out, it was always poor students' hawker fare since our JC is in hawker heaven. And she'd always ordered some soup-y thing. It's my way of accomodating, even though I'd prefer air-con and all, and a more quiet place. Not that it's a big deal but I do mind terribly when I think of how she never did quite reciprocate my thoughtfulness and willingness to suit her taste by surprising me with a "Let's go to XXX instead of hawker stalls today!"
(Even if I don't say it, I do keep track of how much any friend does for me and treats me and adjust my own attitude towards the person accordingly. It's not a conscious gesture but I'm afraid I'm calculative and I'd hate losing out ie liking someone more than the someone likes me; treating someone better than same someone treats me. In the long term, if I feel the person is not worth my time and attention and is taking what I do for granted, goodbye. I can't be patient and understanding all the time without seeing that you are making an effort to react likewise, even if I'm really effortlessly understanding and patient. Just put in effort and let me see you did, you moron, even if you can't do as well as me. Won't fault you for not being perfect me, but no effort rendered is hideously heinous)
So we talked on the phone about where to meet...
She: How about Holland Village? I've never been there before.
Me: Wah, you stay in hostel now issit? We both stay in the East mar. Holland Village is really way-off for me esp when we are meeting on a wkday and after work and all, you are quite tired and just want to lounge around asap.
Me (sudden thought): But hey, isn't it your birthday next week? Okay lar, let's go HV then on account of your birthday. I won't mind travelling. We go Fosters Cafe then, shall we? Since you've never been to any part of HV. It's one of HV's nicest spots.
She: Har? It's only a Cafe ah?
Me: It's a cafe cum restaurant cum bar kind of place. Fantastic ambience. Good place to catch up. Also got live, smoky singing. They are famous for their English steaks. Oops, can you eat steak?
She: Well, I guess I cld always order fish or chicken. Your treat right, since my birthday?
*Intermission* Now the thing is, I might have and I probably wun mind but now that she has the audacity and thick skin to bring it up, I do mind badly. Coming from someone who hasn't wished me happy birthday for two straight years and not buying me anything from Japan, or given me anything at all, I think she's not terribly bright, savvy and realistic and exists in a dream world. Mind you, set dinner at Fosters costs close to $40 per person.*
Me: Well, I guess I cld pay 50% of the bill...
and because I'm slightly irritated now, I don't think I want to travel all that distance to be with her (and I dun want to spend that much on steaks. Would rather go Lawry for high-end beef), so I try for Suntec.
Me: Hey, but you still can't do too much oil, fat, chilli and all that in your diet hor. Actually, shall we go to this nice chinese restaurant in Suntec then? No point mar, fosters is famous for their steaks and you can't order steak.
She: Har? Chinese food again?
*More than slightly irritated now, what har, what again. We haven't met for ages you know...and to remark chinese food again, you might as well comment har fish again; chicken again etc etc.It's part of the staples mar. It's not like you are very adventurous with ur palate. Moreover, it's only a fair thing to say if you have been to the restaurant already*
Me: They serve very good double boiled soups, herbal prawns and all. Perfect for your tastbuds!
She: What is the name of the place?
Me: 渔家庄
She: Never hear before.
*hello? which planet you from huh? 渔家庄 so famous also dunno. anyhow this also means you have no right to comment har, chinese food again...since it's a different restaurant.*
She: Aiyah actually I 随便, but chinese food again...
Me *very patiently and politely*: what food do you have in mind?
She: Well, we could do Thai or Mexician...you know...
Me: But they use a lot of lard and oil and chilli and salsa, you okay?
She: Oh is it? Well why dun we go Little India then?
Me*peng*: But Little India even worse!!! All curries and hot, hot spices and oils. Not to mention it's almost as bad as travelling to Holland V.
She: We can just walk around mar. I've never been there.
Me: I really don't want to walk around in my work clothes. Besides, won't it be nice to catch up instead of walking around? We haven't seen each other for ages. Not to mention Little India got nothing to see one.
She: Precisely, we can just take a short walk and we can leave.
Me *in horror*: You are not getting me. If it's a full day we are spending together, I won't mind see. But it's after work. Plus I don't know the area well either. The last time I was there, I was with someone who knew the place like the back of her hand. So we might get lost. Shall we return to the food issue and decide where and what to makan.
Me: Whhy don't you give me some places you have in mind instead of just listing the genres of food?
She: Actually I also dunno, I thought you knew more places.
Me: Yah but see, I have been suggesting but you dun seem warmed towards the restaurants I picked, so perhaps you cld at least name a place so that I can use that place as a gauge and make better suggestions that you okay with?
She: I don't know lar...anything
Me *patience running its death course*: Jiahui, you are not helping. You say anything but you have been quite dismissive of my contributions. Could you pls contribute constructively by naming a place, just one would do?
She: Oh no, this is happening again! Why are we arguing over food?
*yes, it's happening again, albeit more serious this time coz I've mellowed and matured and am less inclined to hide my feelings and can discuss with you intelligently and logically without blaming any party. Previously with her, we had our fair share of disagreements, which are largely due to her offensive tone and manner of speech. And what do you mean we are arguing over food? It can't even be considered as an argument*
Me *exasperated and amused due to the deluge of memories flooding in because of her words*: Well, maybe that's because we both have not changed. But seriously Jiahui, I feel that by your words and tone right, I feel pushed into a corner because I have no more alternatives and you are shooting what I say down so far. I'm not sure if you mean it but that's how I feel. So maybe you cld let me know in a nicer way or something because I am quite offended by your tone. And we are not even arguing; we are discussing what to eat.
She *raising her voice*: But that is the way I am; that is how I speak; why must I change for you, why you cannot accept me the way I am?
*I'm like, hello, now where did this come from? and you are officially labeled STUPIDnow. I really dun get why people must use the "accept me as I am" nonsense as if it's a gd reason for their actions. It never makes a gd reason precisely because the other party can reply "then why can't you jolly well accept that I can't accept you the way you are" and it's an utter deadlock for all involved. Accept-me nonsense is to be avoided at all cost because, isn't it obvious? *Rolls eyes* I believe all reasonable and sane and smart people shld never say that because it doesn't help or further ur agenda. By saying (it's okay to believe but cannot, cannot say. or even okay to say in a discussion but not use it as a weapon of reason 'coz it wld just show up your extreme stupidity) it, you have destroyed your all facets of sanity and reason in my eyes. Of coz I din say this to her coz that wld really escalate into an argument about her insipid and insensible, irresponsible remarks. Most of all, I din say it coz I'm ready to throw in the towel and throw away this friendship. It wld be wasting my precious time to reason any further. Tip: If you angered me and/or vice versa, and I dun make any attempts to communicate/explain/account, it must be I'm quite tired/sick of justifying and validating my gestures when we have gone through the same issues over and over again. I can't help if you dun put in effort to think and analyse*
Me *drawing on last reserves of strength and niceness*: I'm not wanting you to change. I'm telling you ur tone and manner offends me. By telling you, I hope you can account and explain that you dun mean it or you were careless and then I can/will accept. I'm honest with you coz we are friends and I'm sure you don't wish me to hide my unhappiness at your attititude. I've seen you with other people, Jiahui. With them you are nice and accomodating, so I don't understand why you appear offensive when you talk to me. It's not a big/small change I want you to make, but it's something you can consider working on and taking note to smooth our communication and make me happier.
She: Everytime I talk to you, I feel like I'm pushed into a corner too.
Me: How did I push you into a corner now?
She:...
She: I feel argumentative when we talked.
*Oh, babe, so it's all my fault huh. She's the second person to say this actually. Again, I offer you this: Dun blame your inability to reason on me. Dun blame ur stupidity on me. It's not fair. Just make a serious effort to think and improve the linearity of thought flow and analysis. I dun talk rubbish. Just because you are worked up and upset and embarrassed over the filmsiness of your stand doesn't grant you the right to pounce on me and blame for being argumentative. I'm merely pointing out the flaws in your stand and hope to understand if I have missed out something (hence I actually misunderstood you because you weren't clear and this wld eviscerate the air) or you can improve in your thoughts so that we can have a meaningful exchange on subsequent issues*
Me: But, it's also selfish when you want people to accept you the way you are, isn't it?
She: No! Why would it be selfish?
*I officially give up at this point. I hate stupid people, who are nasty and defensive and stubborn*
Me:...
She: Maybe we shld just meet another time.
Me: Bye.
Almost topping the list of my pet peeves too, apart from heat and stupidity, is also people who are escapist and who dun face the issue squarely, believing in the need to cool off. I can talk to you reasonably any time. If you cant, at least admit it. Don't run away. The more you leave me by myself while you bloody cool off and hide in the bushes, the less chance you have at reviving the friendship . I hate worrying about such things and have them hanging over my head so it's very likely I will just go "oh well, it's not worth hanging out with Stupidity who makes No Effort, is Defensive and Escapist and still 理直气壮 about its inadequacy."
I like to be happy these days. It's rare; it's difficult; but like everything, I give it my best shot.
Last evening, the person in question was someone I haven't seen for a year +++++, no thanks to a study stint in Japan. Background to her: My JC mate, quite a good/close friends then despite utterly different temperaments and character, raised on a diet that cannot consist of fried, oily, spicy, unhealthy food. So the times we go out, it was always poor students' hawker fare since our JC is in hawker heaven. And she'd always ordered some soup-y thing. It's my way of accomodating, even though I'd prefer air-con and all, and a more quiet place. Not that it's a big deal but I do mind terribly when I think of how she never did quite reciprocate my thoughtfulness and willingness to suit her taste by surprising me with a "Let's go to XXX instead of hawker stalls today!"
(Even if I don't say it, I do keep track of how much any friend does for me and treats me and adjust my own attitude towards the person accordingly. It's not a conscious gesture but I'm afraid I'm calculative and I'd hate losing out ie liking someone more than the someone likes me; treating someone better than same someone treats me. In the long term, if I feel the person is not worth my time and attention and is taking what I do for granted, goodbye. I can't be patient and understanding all the time without seeing that you are making an effort to react likewise, even if I'm really effortlessly understanding and patient. Just put in effort and let me see you did, you moron, even if you can't do as well as me. Won't fault you for not being perfect me, but no effort rendered is hideously heinous)
So we talked on the phone about where to meet...
She: How about Holland Village? I've never been there before.
Me: Wah, you stay in hostel now issit? We both stay in the East mar. Holland Village is really way-off for me esp when we are meeting on a wkday and after work and all, you are quite tired and just want to lounge around asap.
Me (sudden thought): But hey, isn't it your birthday next week? Okay lar, let's go HV then on account of your birthday. I won't mind travelling. We go Fosters Cafe then, shall we? Since you've never been to any part of HV. It's one of HV's nicest spots.
She: Har? It's only a Cafe ah?
Me: It's a cafe cum restaurant cum bar kind of place. Fantastic ambience. Good place to catch up. Also got live, smoky singing. They are famous for their English steaks. Oops, can you eat steak?
She: Well, I guess I cld always order fish or chicken. Your treat right, since my birthday?
*Intermission* Now the thing is, I might have and I probably wun mind but now that she has the audacity and thick skin to bring it up, I do mind badly. Coming from someone who hasn't wished me happy birthday for two straight years and not buying me anything from Japan, or given me anything at all, I think she's not terribly bright, savvy and realistic and exists in a dream world. Mind you, set dinner at Fosters costs close to $40 per person.*
Me: Well, I guess I cld pay 50% of the bill...
and because I'm slightly irritated now, I don't think I want to travel all that distance to be with her (and I dun want to spend that much on steaks. Would rather go Lawry for high-end beef), so I try for Suntec.
Me: Hey, but you still can't do too much oil, fat, chilli and all that in your diet hor. Actually, shall we go to this nice chinese restaurant in Suntec then? No point mar, fosters is famous for their steaks and you can't order steak.
She: Har? Chinese food again?
*More than slightly irritated now, what har, what again. We haven't met for ages you know...and to remark chinese food again, you might as well comment har fish again; chicken again etc etc.It's part of the staples mar. It's not like you are very adventurous with ur palate. Moreover, it's only a fair thing to say if you have been to the restaurant already*
Me: They serve very good double boiled soups, herbal prawns and all. Perfect for your tastbuds!
She: What is the name of the place?
Me: 渔家庄
She: Never hear before.
*hello? which planet you from huh? 渔家庄 so famous also dunno. anyhow this also means you have no right to comment har, chinese food again...since it's a different restaurant.*
She: Aiyah actually I 随便, but chinese food again...
Me *very patiently and politely*: what food do you have in mind?
She: Well, we could do Thai or Mexician...you know...
Me: But they use a lot of lard and oil and chilli and salsa, you okay?
She: Oh is it? Well why dun we go Little India then?
Me*peng*: But Little India even worse!!! All curries and hot, hot spices and oils. Not to mention it's almost as bad as travelling to Holland V.
She: We can just walk around mar. I've never been there.
Me: I really don't want to walk around in my work clothes. Besides, won't it be nice to catch up instead of walking around? We haven't seen each other for ages. Not to mention Little India got nothing to see one.
She: Precisely, we can just take a short walk and we can leave.
Me *in horror*: You are not getting me. If it's a full day we are spending together, I won't mind see. But it's after work. Plus I don't know the area well either. The last time I was there, I was with someone who knew the place like the back of her hand. So we might get lost. Shall we return to the food issue and decide where and what to makan.
Me: Whhy don't you give me some places you have in mind instead of just listing the genres of food?
She: Actually I also dunno, I thought you knew more places.
Me: Yah but see, I have been suggesting but you dun seem warmed towards the restaurants I picked, so perhaps you cld at least name a place so that I can use that place as a gauge and make better suggestions that you okay with?
She: I don't know lar...anything
Me *patience running its death course*: Jiahui, you are not helping. You say anything but you have been quite dismissive of my contributions. Could you pls contribute constructively by naming a place, just one would do?
She: Oh no, this is happening again! Why are we arguing over food?
*yes, it's happening again, albeit more serious this time coz I've mellowed and matured and am less inclined to hide my feelings and can discuss with you intelligently and logically without blaming any party. Previously with her, we had our fair share of disagreements, which are largely due to her offensive tone and manner of speech. And what do you mean we are arguing over food? It can't even be considered as an argument*
Me *exasperated and amused due to the deluge of memories flooding in because of her words*: Well, maybe that's because we both have not changed. But seriously Jiahui, I feel that by your words and tone right, I feel pushed into a corner because I have no more alternatives and you are shooting what I say down so far. I'm not sure if you mean it but that's how I feel. So maybe you cld let me know in a nicer way or something because I am quite offended by your tone. And we are not even arguing; we are discussing what to eat.
She *raising her voice*: But that is the way I am; that is how I speak; why must I change for you, why you cannot accept me the way I am?
*I'm like, hello, now where did this come from? and you are officially labeled STUPIDnow. I really dun get why people must use the "accept me as I am" nonsense as if it's a gd reason for their actions. It never makes a gd reason precisely because the other party can reply "then why can't you jolly well accept that I can't accept you the way you are" and it's an utter deadlock for all involved. Accept-me nonsense is to be avoided at all cost because, isn't it obvious? *Rolls eyes* I believe all reasonable and sane and smart people shld never say that because it doesn't help or further ur agenda. By saying (it's okay to believe but cannot, cannot say. or even okay to say in a discussion but not use it as a weapon of reason 'coz it wld just show up your extreme stupidity) it, you have destroyed your all facets of sanity and reason in my eyes. Of coz I din say this to her coz that wld really escalate into an argument about her insipid and insensible, irresponsible remarks. Most of all, I din say it coz I'm ready to throw in the towel and throw away this friendship. It wld be wasting my precious time to reason any further. Tip: If you angered me and/or vice versa, and I dun make any attempts to communicate/explain/account, it must be I'm quite tired/sick of justifying and validating my gestures when we have gone through the same issues over and over again. I can't help if you dun put in effort to think and analyse*
Me *drawing on last reserves of strength and niceness*: I'm not wanting you to change. I'm telling you ur tone and manner offends me. By telling you, I hope you can account and explain that you dun mean it or you were careless and then I can/will accept. I'm honest with you coz we are friends and I'm sure you don't wish me to hide my unhappiness at your attititude. I've seen you with other people, Jiahui. With them you are nice and accomodating, so I don't understand why you appear offensive when you talk to me. It's not a big/small change I want you to make, but it's something you can consider working on and taking note to smooth our communication and make me happier.
She: Everytime I talk to you, I feel like I'm pushed into a corner too.
Me: How did I push you into a corner now?
She:...
She: I feel argumentative when we talked.
*Oh, babe, so it's all my fault huh. She's the second person to say this actually. Again, I offer you this: Dun blame your inability to reason on me. Dun blame ur stupidity on me. It's not fair. Just make a serious effort to think and improve the linearity of thought flow and analysis. I dun talk rubbish. Just because you are worked up and upset and embarrassed over the filmsiness of your stand doesn't grant you the right to pounce on me and blame for being argumentative. I'm merely pointing out the flaws in your stand and hope to understand if I have missed out something (hence I actually misunderstood you because you weren't clear and this wld eviscerate the air) or you can improve in your thoughts so that we can have a meaningful exchange on subsequent issues*
Me: But, it's also selfish when you want people to accept you the way you are, isn't it?
She: No! Why would it be selfish?
*I officially give up at this point. I hate stupid people, who are nasty and defensive and stubborn*
Me:...
She: Maybe we shld just meet another time.
Me: Bye.
Almost topping the list of my pet peeves too, apart from heat and stupidity, is also people who are escapist and who dun face the issue squarely, believing in the need to cool off. I can talk to you reasonably any time. If you cant, at least admit it. Don't run away. The more you leave me by myself while you bloody cool off and hide in the bushes, the less chance you have at reviving the friendship . I hate worrying about such things and have them hanging over my head so it's very likely I will just go "oh well, it's not worth hanging out with Stupidity who makes No Effort, is Defensive and Escapist and still 理直气壮 about its inadequacy."
I like to be happy these days. It's rare; it's difficult; but like everything, I give it my best shot.
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