Happy Birthday To You

彷佛你就在我身边 等待了一年又一年
对你的思念 三百六十五天
我只等这一天 勇敢地把从前
情人节快乐 变成 祝你生日快乐

I blame the recent bout of angst on a ridiculous dream (literally and all too depressingly non-figuratively), the 爱情文艺片 <<生日快乐>> and the sad fact that nothing of note and worth is happening (damn it, it doesn’t even have to be exciting) right now. It’s useless to pass off insufferable patience as virtue when it’s so bloody painful to watch your own life in slow-mo. I hate just how contrived and lame life can turn out to be when you stop hitting the fast forward button and reality intrudes politely to remind you not to depend anymore on the remote control. I’m not gaining new ground. After all, in order to fast forward, there can only mean there are subsequent acts that follow. If I have stopped producing them, there’s only doomed rewinding and repeating of the same scene and sob story. Why be silly and languish in a past past its prime. Actually, why not. Especially if I can write again.

And so the parallel world is created. What I can’t admit, I can make her say. I’m still committed - to tell a good and true story - and hence, the omniscient absence and an utter lack of defense. It was never clear whether the leaving was for good (in all senses of the word).

I LOVE YOU 说不出口的倾诉
I MISS YOU 让挂念代替了相处
瞬间是永远 谈情变祝福 可惜 甜言也带苦

It is all too easy relating to <<生日快乐>>. I understand the simple faith and the sheer denial. And I so get the giving nervous/nonchalant fucked answers to serious, life-changing questions. Like the female protagonist, I would bail but that’s where I stopped. I wouldn’t bawl, no, not even my female protagonist, not us. I wish the guys understand and let us off easier without letting us go. That’s the last thing we want. Between pride and love, choosing the former comes instinctively, but only because we are secured in the latter. Ironic, yes, but not confusing. Nor difficult to comprehend. In the end, it’s the male chauvinist who triumphed, for he had preserved a life-long lie that the female protagonist cling-ed on to to live out the rest of her own life without him. Was that his love? Or his revenge at her opting for pride over him?

I LOVE YOU 是最完美的结束
I MISS YOU 一辈子靠今天接触
瞬间是永远 谈情变祝福 可惜 都於事无补

The closing scene of <<生日快乐>> showed her excitedly tapping out an sms to share her good news with him before faltering and then deleting the draft completely. I will tell him personally when we meet again to surprise him, she announced to her friends half gleefully and half sadly. How many things have we squirreled away and then forgotten because they are no longer fashionable, that much time has passed.

I wonder if he is dead. No way to tell. We never had the constant of wishing happy birthday regularly even though it will not be forgotten.

今夜 有人陪你庆祝
不枉 我一年的孤独
请你 原谅我 不多写一个字
像 普通人糢糊
多一字 多份痛
今夜 我不想哭

Happy Birthday To You
Happy Birthday To You

有些故事只能永远待续

亲爱的，当距离和时间把甜蜜想念转为温柔缅怀，我逐渐学会珍惜曾有你相伴的日子。了解什么是蒙在鼓里的幸福时，我迫不及待睁开的双眼却看不到你。亲爱的，什么叫坚强勇敢，我算不算。发现你走出瘫痪的情感，除了唏嘘，我仍固执留在此地。因为，我知道你是离不开我的。

亲爱的，请教我信服你的负心，接受你的别恋，让我丧气地承认你会移情是因为他人的出现。别再把你的舍弃当成彼此浪漫的考验，更别把你的毅然独立自主归于我最初的不屑一顾。背负起促使你离开的责任，我还能宣扬你在乎的人始终是我。你无须让我好过。我更没资格想像所谓假设的悲痛。你已成功摆脱过去，我又何必坚持你还会为我黯然神伤，执意地认为你的回避是体贴我矛盾凌乱的思绪。

亲爱的，人的一生中能包含多少无可奈何，在一个人的生活里又需要容纳几份爱情来慰籍孤单寂寞的自己。讽刺的是，有你的过去固然幸福，却弥漫着焦虑和顾忌，常怀疑我的判断和感觉不够敏锐透彻。如今你不在身旁，我竟异常期待兴奋，实在天真烂漫可怕，不符合逻辑。

亲爱的，我静静躺在心事里，乐在其中，没有你的日子，再恍惚也有精神支助。

我不想我不想不想长大

亲爱的，当生活仅剩琐碎，懦弱的我仿佛唯有依靠虚弱的感情来维系对周边人、事、物的兴趣，牵强说服自己一定要幸福，好让某天再相遇的时候，你能知道没有你，我仍然潇洒可以。

亲爱的，当生存的价值和意义就是要在你的面前炫耀我的争气，只为了争回那一口气， 是多费神累人的选择啊。某日重逢，我要的，真的只是骄傲的、漠然的与你擦肩吗? 我知道争气，不如珍惜，只是怎么启齿。毕竟成熟的我们再悸动、再激动，也能平复。那时既可以，也输不起；如今经历岁月残酷的洗礼和熏陶，更是老练。不是所有中意的，都可以拥有。不是所有中意的，都需要拥有。

亲爱的，当沉默早已成为温柔的代号，如果真有某日，还有幸见面，而你我都能坦然，也许等于对彼此最终的放弃。这样的不语，算不算是疼惜流逝的过往，善待迷失的现在，把所有言不由衷和词不达意和欲言又止留给天真的未来。是赌气，还是默契；是祈祷还是默哀，至少还保有些许的憧憬空间，生命里出现过至情至爱。

亲爱的，告诉我，是不是只有空虚的时候才会允许自己肆无忌惮地想你。曾几何时，你已顺理成章地成为生命中遗憾和懊悔的化身，仿佛没什么比失去你更悲哀。回顾过去的当儿，我也投入的生活，卖命只为了某天的重逢做准备。

亲爱的，当想你想到意兴阑珊，我仍然执著专注地以你为主。习惯性的贯彻始终让我放心自己。 反正这个思念地带因为缺了你而变得异常安全。除了离去的你，也只有这里能纵容我的自私和任性，让我澄清的同时，顺便再混淆，好让热情永远不省人事。亲爱的，是埋伏，也是埋葬。我不想为任何人再这样心力交瘁，除了熟悉的你。因你而起，就因你为终。

亲爱的，有时我觉得我没有那么想你，我只是拒绝长大而已。你是知道的，所以悄悄离去。

躲在这里嚷嚷自语的我，到底想说什么。亲爱的，你说。

It's RAIN-ing Man

In the end, I was part of History, being one of the thousands of people witnessing LIVE the stormy phenomenon that was Rain.

Actually it was more like pouring weather (most dramatically overwrought) one has to weather/wade through in a very expensive porcelain teacup.

There's no doubt Rain IS a very hardworking artiste. But artistes who happen to have a taut physique and tighter tush are a dime a dozen. Likewise, I'm sure Aaron Kwok can't fare any lesser himself on the dance floor (Who am I kidding? Aaron wins hands down anyday. And then there's Jolin who reigns supreme over the two). It's just that not every talented artiste has the fortune have the management backing him all the way and willing to pull all strings and leave no unturned stone ie to 砸钱 and 打造 a superstar and an international one at that.

The concert production is superb and I surmise, to cost the sky (duh but obviously, where else can rain come from?). I was entertained for a while but became more and more restless as the concert paced on, reveling in its own glitz and splendour. It was 疲劳轰炸: the excellent (world class!!!) graphics, polished (but nothing exceptional) choreography, repeated pyros that seemed to go off every now and then, the constant peekaboos (disappearing/descending into this platform and reappearing/acending from another). I was visually and aurally fatigued, and secretly pleased when the self-maturbatory concert drew to a less-than-shatteringly-orgasmic close. Yay!

Besides, there's only so much sweet talk I can endure without screaming and running away. He's always uttering mushy, metrosexual lines like: I love you, you are all my babies and so I was ewwww-ed. Anyway I give him credit for learning English and I shall give him more time to memorise/practise his loverboy repertoire. But. Ewwww. Even if he's trying to prove figuratively that he's the gushing Rain. But. Never mind me. There are tons of fans who lapped up and screamed, "You are so hot". Sigh. I don't find Rain that hot. Our nearest local equivalent in terms of face and physique that bears the uncanny resemblance to Rain would be Citibank face James Lye. And I'm fair, for I don't find James hot either (give me Lim Yu Beng any day). For the record, Rain and James are also disconcertingly hairless, as far and the underarms and chest are concerned. I'm no expert in other areas.

(Strangely, I preferred Rain when he sings ballads, never mind I know not a single song of his and that I don't understand Korean at all).

While I am no fan, I did squeeze through the crowds to grab a piece of Rain merchandise, actually some. 3 x$8 hp danglies: two for my surrogate mums and one for my sis and for myself: a Rain pendant that costs $50. Okay you can call me mad but I figure since my ticket was not self-funded, I should contribute a little to the merchandising revenue, yes?

*

It's also raining men because my schoolgirl crush invited me to go dragon-boating with him. My first thought was horrifically honest and unbecoming: Yay, dragonboat hunks! And exciting images of incredibly buffed and tanned men (perfect pecs and veiny arms!) parading topless and in stylishly fitted berms come to mind. And these images, mind you, are really realistic, real enough lar. I have seen enough dragon boaters on campus to opine on them :)

Of course the catch is I'm someone who absolutely withers in the sun, and I mean WITHERS. And since I never get tanned, just ranging from red to chao da red and becoming increasingly (and un-cutely) freckled in the whole sunny process, I should just stay away from sunlight altogether.

Then again, since the crush asked, and this is an interesting activity, dragonboating, and I can always run away after one lesson, I am thinking why not.

On other men: Mr Dimples is out of the jurisdiction for a couple of weeks. So. We did watch My Fair Lady before he left though. And then I realised at this point there's no other men. Sob.

*

Wacky day at work in a good way. I made a beeline for the room where the crush was housed to check on his latest work for me and made a few vaguely negative comments before I turned to leave.

The Crush *quitely indignant*: Wait, don't go!!! Why do you call this a "work-in-progress"?

Me: Erm, because you are a perfectionist what. Everything is always a "work-in-progress". Anyway the colours are splotchy can. I don't like. Nevertheless, you are entitled to defend your work and justify its merits to me.

The crush eyed me suspiciously. Heh of course I was mocking. Well, anyway he started changing the colour scheme and I sat down patiently to wait for the revised masterpiece.

The Crush: How's this?

Me: *oops started to laugh uncontrollably*

Me: Well, this looks like she's some celestial being living on clouds. She's Mother Earth!!!

The crush snorted. I believe it was to hide a guffaw.

Then I sought the unnecessary third opinion of our neighbouring producer and laughter increased threefold.

The Crush: Argh. Let's just burn this and say Mother Earth made it go up in flames.

I don't think the crush was crushed but it was damn funny. Even though the puzzled reader probably can't tell because this is written too out of context.

Accounting for Absence

I have more or less recovered from the amazing euphoria of achieving what I considered to be my personal career high in this industry. I was already overwhelmed by the avalanche of well-wishes from various associates and friends before showtime. 3 hours later, I was keeling over with happiness and excitement at the crazy enthusiasm emanated from the crowd – a delirious stampede had ensued and peopled thronged the stage front, dancing and cheering away. I darted in and out of the sea of bodies. Oh man, this is why I love what I do and this Moment was Mine to Bask in.

I only wish I could be more eloquent in describing what this all means to me. I remember feeling very proud of myself and warmed in the knowing that there were people rooting for me, who were even more proud of me for what I had pulled off than myself. I am so thankful that I had not let them down by being a lousy prodigy.

Actually 3 hours later, all I wanted to do is to sit down and have a little weep by myself in a corner. I did it!!!! Another avalanche of “excellent show” – related smses that flooded my phone contributed to my kitschy desire.

*

I thank all associates and friends for always believing in me, for their unfailing encouragement and ompanionship. For being patient, stoic and understanding about what I went through and staunchly refusing to pick a fight with me when I was worked up over everything else. In particular, I thank the 3 women in my life who are like my surrogate mums with their naggings and reminders and gentle admonishments. Thank you for hosting lunch and especially whipping up a feast for me just before the new year started as a gesture of friendship, care and love. I’m so blessed (in the secular way) to have known you all and to have your well-meaning advice. That’s more than 80 years of corporate and life experience that I have access to!! Sorry that I’m still the occasional stubborn, foolish little girl who will try to do things her way and to attempt in the kamikaze way to change the world. In 2007, I promise solemnly to try harder to listen and heed your advice with adaptation here and there :) I also thank my baby sister for always putting up with my nonsense and 对我不离不弃

Honestly, it never fails to amaze me when I stop to think about it - how fond some people can be of me. I ain’t that nice and easy to be with, and I happened to have the most unbelievable quirks and principles. That aside, I still think I’m charming and adorable. Whee.


*

Now that life has pretty much resumed its previous normalcy, posting will be more regular and de-regulated.
Here’s a list of concerts/productions I will be watching and am totally looking forward to:

1. Everything But The Brain
2.. S.H.E concert
3. Huayi Festival- 娃娃金智娟 in recital
4. Huayi Festival - 暗恋桃花源
5. Titoudao

Have bought tickets to everything except for the concert. The invite hasn’t come in yet, sob.

Other things worth many hand claps:

- after being based in China for 2 years, my dear friend Huihua is back in Singapore and intending to stay longer (measured in years) in her native land.

- another dear friend Huixin is gonna be staying here longer too, after escaping from The Real World & Other Harsher Realities to New Zealand to pursue a Master’s degree. Now that she has graduated, Living the Real Life can longer be the deferred option, but the default. Huixin will be back from 23rd Jan onwards. We can sing, compose and write together!!!

- a mini gathering comprising Huixin, Ezolene, Qiuyan and myself once the doctors’ schedules are sorted out.
Doing our karaoke and pigging out and other girly nonsense.

In other less worthy news, my old phone suddenly died on me. It was a timely death as I had been meaning to get the pink Nokia 7390 but was always thwarted by inertia. Now I have no excuse and had to make an immediate purchase!!! Yay! Unfortunately not all contacts could be retrieved so please sms/call me if you want to make double sure I have your numbers.

Because He Is Worth It & So Am I