I, The Depths of Shallowness, Hereby Declare I Severe All Ties With You Henceforth
He answered in the dirty affirmative, like I know he would (when there was nothing left to say), and I earned the closure that I need. Henceforth, I’m a free woman, with neither baggage nor bind that signify my belonging to anyone but myself.
Oh, it went well initially. Upon knowing I was ill, he quickly changed the original plan (satay and Malay food which we agreed will finish me off like completely) to porridge at Chinatown. But we weren’t that hungry, so dinner waited and we strolled to Ann Siang Hill Park. There was a swing meant for two there, and he motioned me to sit. Eventually we did sit together but I think embarrassment struck and we jumped off hurriedly in less than 10 mins.
Then I suggested walking to Arab Street.
*
We passed Maxwell Market.
He: This is a historical place, you know why?
Me: It’s a famous market?
He: It’s where you started being friends with Yingliang and that assisted him to becoming the next Chair.
Me: er…yup, my fault. *censored*
*
We started chatting. He asked me about Po.
Now, I’m always uncomfortable when he brings up Po. The latter is mentioned, I feel, as a sign (mild) of jealousy and a sense (general) of threat that the former feels. This is completely irrational and unreasonable because it is obviously not Po that I like. Besides, Po is not relevant anymore, for we are no longer in contact at all.
In exasperation, I revealed that Po and I are friends no more.
*
We entered Asian Civilisation Museum.
*
Me: I need to pee.
We went to CityLink.
Me: Hey, you realize it’s a historical moment now, now, now?
He: What?
Me: It’s the first time ever we have stepped into a mainstream teeming place together! My goodness!
He: I know. It’s making me very uncomfortable. We need to get out. But no choice, since you need to pee.
*
I embarked on a very familiar stretch of road with him that I have once walked with another.
Me: Hey, did I ever tell you I used to walk from Orchard all the way to this Lavender stretch when I was facing trouble from my thesis?
*
After our dinner of fish soup and black sesame tangyuan in ginger brew at the market, we proceeded to Arab Street. He ordered prata and I, green tea at the place in which I had come with some of my Lit Hons mates before.
It is quite surreal. If only he could guess at how I had once hoped to cover this area with him to exorcise some demons. More than a year later, I’m here with him.
*
He: You know, some things no need to be said one. Why must say.
Me: You don’t say, how do people know.
*
He: Do you remember my home and hp number?
Me: Do you remember mine?
He: They’re stuck in my head *recites perfectly*
Me: Wah, you where got call me so often?
He: So you remember mine?
Me: *recites perfectly*
Now if it had ended here, maybe it’s a different story altogether. But he brought up Po again, and somehow, because he seemed genuinely interested, I told of the real reason why we went separate ways (Nooooooo, we din break up, I yelled at him. Don’t you repeat that phrase again!!! We were never anything and break up connotes something that is not!!!) and he agreed Po is quite mad.
And then, and then I told him very briefly of why Po and I had that strictly platonic going out agreement in the first place: because of my unhappy and very messy, very confusing experience with a mutual friend (I stopped here).
*
Me: And I never talked to both ever again.
He: That’s terrible. You had one for one and overnight you had naught.
Me: *suddenly depressed* I know. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all my fault that the ending is such, since I’m the common factor.
He: Well you were not at fault where Po is concerned, but I don’t know about the other, since you din tell me what actually happened.
Of course I kept steadfastly mum. How was I to say. That it was his fault that it was messed up because he was non-committal and I was uncertain and someone needed a blank slate?
*
But I’m afraid I got possessed then. Something inside me clawed and claimed it’s the golden chance to rescue a fragment of clarity from the craziness that was us.
I’m afraid I did ask if he thinks he’ll end up like Po and The Other. It was not a bad dream. It happened.
He said he’ll not be the former, but The Other, what happened.
Me: He traumatized me by asking me if I had ever liked him.
*pause pause*
Maybe he got what I’m saying, whatever.
Thing is, I can’t remember exactly what happened next ‘coz it was even more traumatic.
I know meaningless and valueless phrases like “nothing is cast in stone”, “status quo” floated around though, voiced by he. I don't understand, I never did.
Not time for the next stage…
The question is,
(1) are the feelings there, before we even touch on stage whatsoever
(2) is it a matter of no feelings at all. There never will be, and forget about the stage!
He said can be either. And then repeated all the maybes and perhaps and maybe nots and perhaps not. And by that I meant literally. He stopped after throwing those phrases with no further elaboration and expansion whatsoever. Hence the trauma. I had thought this would warrant a reply more sincere and long, if not entirely honest.
What a lousy fuck. I din risk throwing both face and friendship away just to hear such nonsense. I just want to know if it’s purely platonic!!! Then I can breathe. Then I can live again.
I repacked The Question, if just so to get something conclusive that would make me die and hate him forever.
Actually, whatever you had done with me, you could have just as easily done with anyone, right?
YES.
Good. That’s all I need to hear for a complete closure at my end since you can’t give me a decent answer after 4 bloody years. Closure is easy when you are utterly convinced he doesn’t like you. Nevermind the odd circumstances things get uttered. So long as you hang on to what he said and remind yourself you are too good for such shit, you can close.
He says he’s not going to be like that. He says things can change. He says who knows I will be friends with them both again. Yeah. Right. You don’t know how stubborn and proud I am, mister. Just like I have never known the real you.
I should have known better. To know nothing significant about someone after 4years, to have no real mutual friends, to be refused a direct answer when asking the simplest question (Hey, where are you working now/do you have classes/what are you doing later) just scream OI YOU SIAO AH! THIS GUY IS TOYING WITH YOU. IT’S NOT FUN, IT’S NOT NORMAL, IT’S NOT RIGHT! RUN WITH YOUR BRAIN AND HEART INTACT!!! SIAM AH!
He says he won’t end up like Po and The Other. Well, that’s really not up to you. You are ending up like them, I personally guarantee it.
*
I can’t believe what I just did. I closed it! I had my answer and he doesn’t feel anything for me. But it was very traumatic and I called Ruth and Shimin (in Melbourne) for release. I spent 6 hours with Shimin and I couldn’t sleep, so I’m blogging away in frustration and disbelief at my audacity to “end things”
The irony is, I’m walking the road of Pain and Trauma once more, in the same area, in two consecutive years, with a wholly different person.
Who’s worse, He or The Other?
Don’t Care. They are both the weakest link. Out. It’s Over. And when I say it’s over, it’s finished, finished, you get it!!!
*
The irony of ironies is that someone gave me a pair of male/female Mickey and Minnie plush dolls yesterday. I gave them to him when he asked if I had anything for him when things were still okay at Ann Siang Hill Park.
You can save them for your girlfriend/wife. My parting gift to you.
*
You said it’s your character, and you are like that. Fine.
I, The Depths of Shallowness, hereby declare I severe all ties with you henceforth.
Oh, it went well initially. Upon knowing I was ill, he quickly changed the original plan (satay and Malay food which we agreed will finish me off like completely) to porridge at Chinatown. But we weren’t that hungry, so dinner waited and we strolled to Ann Siang Hill Park. There was a swing meant for two there, and he motioned me to sit. Eventually we did sit together but I think embarrassment struck and we jumped off hurriedly in less than 10 mins.
Then I suggested walking to Arab Street.
*
We passed Maxwell Market.
He: This is a historical place, you know why?
Me: It’s a famous market?
He: It’s where you started being friends with Yingliang and that assisted him to becoming the next Chair.
Me: er…yup, my fault. *censored*
*
We started chatting. He asked me about Po.
Now, I’m always uncomfortable when he brings up Po. The latter is mentioned, I feel, as a sign (mild) of jealousy and a sense (general) of threat that the former feels. This is completely irrational and unreasonable because it is obviously not Po that I like. Besides, Po is not relevant anymore, for we are no longer in contact at all.
In exasperation, I revealed that Po and I are friends no more.
*
We entered Asian Civilisation Museum.
*
Me: I need to pee.
We went to CityLink.
Me: Hey, you realize it’s a historical moment now, now, now?
He: What?
Me: It’s the first time ever we have stepped into a mainstream teeming place together! My goodness!
He: I know. It’s making me very uncomfortable. We need to get out. But no choice, since you need to pee.
*
I embarked on a very familiar stretch of road with him that I have once walked with another.
Me: Hey, did I ever tell you I used to walk from Orchard all the way to this Lavender stretch when I was facing trouble from my thesis?
*
After our dinner of fish soup and black sesame tangyuan in ginger brew at the market, we proceeded to Arab Street. He ordered prata and I, green tea at the place in which I had come with some of my Lit Hons mates before.
It is quite surreal. If only he could guess at how I had once hoped to cover this area with him to exorcise some demons. More than a year later, I’m here with him.
*
He: You know, some things no need to be said one. Why must say.
Me: You don’t say, how do people know.
*
He: Do you remember my home and hp number?
Me: Do you remember mine?
He: They’re stuck in my head *recites perfectly*
Me: Wah, you where got call me so often?
He: So you remember mine?
Me: *recites perfectly*
Now if it had ended here, maybe it’s a different story altogether. But he brought up Po again, and somehow, because he seemed genuinely interested, I told of the real reason why we went separate ways (Nooooooo, we din break up, I yelled at him. Don’t you repeat that phrase again!!! We were never anything and break up connotes something that is not!!!) and he agreed Po is quite mad.
And then, and then I told him very briefly of why Po and I had that strictly platonic going out agreement in the first place: because of my unhappy and very messy, very confusing experience with a mutual friend (I stopped here).
*
Me: And I never talked to both ever again.
He: That’s terrible. You had one for one and overnight you had naught.
Me: *suddenly depressed* I know. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all my fault that the ending is such, since I’m the common factor.
He: Well you were not at fault where Po is concerned, but I don’t know about the other, since you din tell me what actually happened.
Of course I kept steadfastly mum. How was I to say. That it was his fault that it was messed up because he was non-committal and I was uncertain and someone needed a blank slate?
*
But I’m afraid I got possessed then. Something inside me clawed and claimed it’s the golden chance to rescue a fragment of clarity from the craziness that was us.
I’m afraid I did ask if he thinks he’ll end up like Po and The Other. It was not a bad dream. It happened.
He said he’ll not be the former, but The Other, what happened.
Me: He traumatized me by asking me if I had ever liked him.
*pause pause*
Maybe he got what I’m saying, whatever.
Thing is, I can’t remember exactly what happened next ‘coz it was even more traumatic.
I know meaningless and valueless phrases like “nothing is cast in stone”, “status quo” floated around though, voiced by he. I don't understand, I never did.
Not time for the next stage…
The question is,
(1) are the feelings there, before we even touch on stage whatsoever
(2) is it a matter of no feelings at all. There never will be, and forget about the stage!
He said can be either. And then repeated all the maybes and perhaps and maybe nots and perhaps not. And by that I meant literally. He stopped after throwing those phrases with no further elaboration and expansion whatsoever. Hence the trauma. I had thought this would warrant a reply more sincere and long, if not entirely honest.
What a lousy fuck. I din risk throwing both face and friendship away just to hear such nonsense. I just want to know if it’s purely platonic!!! Then I can breathe. Then I can live again.
I repacked The Question, if just so to get something conclusive that would make me die and hate him forever.
Actually, whatever you had done with me, you could have just as easily done with anyone, right?
YES.
Good. That’s all I need to hear for a complete closure at my end since you can’t give me a decent answer after 4 bloody years. Closure is easy when you are utterly convinced he doesn’t like you. Nevermind the odd circumstances things get uttered. So long as you hang on to what he said and remind yourself you are too good for such shit, you can close.
He says he’s not going to be like that. He says things can change. He says who knows I will be friends with them both again. Yeah. Right. You don’t know how stubborn and proud I am, mister. Just like I have never known the real you.
I should have known better. To know nothing significant about someone after 4years, to have no real mutual friends, to be refused a direct answer when asking the simplest question (Hey, where are you working now/do you have classes/what are you doing later) just scream OI YOU SIAO AH! THIS GUY IS TOYING WITH YOU. IT’S NOT FUN, IT’S NOT NORMAL, IT’S NOT RIGHT! RUN WITH YOUR BRAIN AND HEART INTACT!!! SIAM AH!
He says he won’t end up like Po and The Other. Well, that’s really not up to you. You are ending up like them, I personally guarantee it.
*
I can’t believe what I just did. I closed it! I had my answer and he doesn’t feel anything for me. But it was very traumatic and I called Ruth and Shimin (in Melbourne) for release. I spent 6 hours with Shimin and I couldn’t sleep, so I’m blogging away in frustration and disbelief at my audacity to “end things”
The irony is, I’m walking the road of Pain and Trauma once more, in the same area, in two consecutive years, with a wholly different person.
Who’s worse, He or The Other?
Don’t Care. They are both the weakest link. Out. It’s Over. And when I say it’s over, it’s finished, finished, you get it!!!
*
The irony of ironies is that someone gave me a pair of male/female Mickey and Minnie plush dolls yesterday. I gave them to him when he asked if I had anything for him when things were still okay at Ann Siang Hill Park.
You can save them for your girlfriend/wife. My parting gift to you.
*
You said it’s your character, and you are like that. Fine.
I, The Depths of Shallowness, hereby declare I severe all ties with you henceforth.
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