Sometimes I find it extremely difficult to go on. It’s wearying.
My feet still hurt. So does my brain but it’s used to me and my nonsense. Scepticism has seeped insidiously into my heart since I start using my brain so the heart is merely confused and distraught by the owner’s lack of staunch beliefs, apart from her staunch belief not to believe in any belief (dun apply meta-theory on this. I’ll flip).
Last night seems so far away, so surreal. Did we, the lovers that we are not, really walk barefooted along the endless wooden bridges; felt the damp, cold sand under our feet; me fidget-ly sitting and he just as restlessly squatting by the beach, taking in the loud, rough, rushing waves, articulating what we cannot admit or say? Did we really congratulate ourselves on how lucky we were to have the whole landscape to ourselves with nary a soul in sight to spoil the pleasurable, almost illicit privacy? Did we, did we, before he turned all quiet and stony?
Why does he bring me on these pseudo romantic dates and then go cold on me? Hello, I din force you okay, you planned the whole damn thing everytime!!! I’m always in the dark!! And I was on my best behaviour; I was cute; I was encouraging; I did best not to put foot in mouth and start blabbering to hide embarrassment, I did, I did, I swear. So I’m not sure why the night cease to sustain itself and he just dried up. Help? Please? I’m tired of pretending that I know and I don’t know. It’s weird we keep going out on a one to one basis again and again, in spite of our misses. And here he does all the proper date-like, boyfriend-friendly things, including the springing surprises on me and crazy ideas strewn all over the place, and we go everywhere but there. It’s depressing. Even more depressing on the sudden blogger ads on God that appear on my blog out of nowhere. I don’t blog on that. Just you know, the closest thing that comes to Love. Weird.
Slightly happier side news:
1) Kaile sms-ed me. It’s been weeks since I stopped talking to him because he overpromised and underdelivered. So he finally somehow decided to relent and msg me (yay, I win the petty war!!!!) and got off his pedestal (why took so long huh, huh. Too proud issit). And I can come down from mine gracefully. Heh. Okay. So he is accompanying me to Parco to buy a pair of slippers for my bruised feet tonight and I think, to kaypoh and be all concerned and fuss over me so that he can leave for Vietnam/Cambodia (I think) guilt-free on Sunday afternoon. Correct, right? I know you got read my blog.
2) Jude asked me out for lunch tomorrow. I honestly think he is psychic like me. I have been thinking about talking to him after my traumatic yesterday night. See, ever since Jude caught a fleeting glimpse of the man in question during an unfortunate screening of Love Me If You Dare, he has maintained (and expressed) interest, incredulity, nostalgia (he said he also like that towards his wife during the mock courtship days, just as hapless and just as anal-retentive. Basically just refusing to say anything to confirm to her lar) and impossible mirth and amusement in my relationship. And he’s always appearing kind and generous and concerned, so I do share with him when he ask. So yup, I’m glad I’m having lunch with someone who analyses, and yes, I admit, he is supportive and positive about me and the man, hence my gratefulness. Coz, my friends disapprove, in general and I get discouraged with various cold remarks. Whereas Jude is kind and generous, and dare I hope, truthful, that the horrid man is indeed horribly in love, just finding it impossibly difficult to say it at all.
My feet still hurt. So does my brain but it’s used to me and my nonsense. Scepticism has seeped insidiously into my heart since I start using my brain so the heart is merely confused and distraught by the owner’s lack of staunch beliefs, apart from her staunch belief not to believe in any belief (dun apply meta-theory on this. I’ll flip).
Last night seems so far away, so surreal. Did we, the lovers that we are not, really walk barefooted along the endless wooden bridges; felt the damp, cold sand under our feet; me fidget-ly sitting and he just as restlessly squatting by the beach, taking in the loud, rough, rushing waves, articulating what we cannot admit or say? Did we really congratulate ourselves on how lucky we were to have the whole landscape to ourselves with nary a soul in sight to spoil the pleasurable, almost illicit privacy? Did we, did we, before he turned all quiet and stony?
Why does he bring me on these pseudo romantic dates and then go cold on me? Hello, I din force you okay, you planned the whole damn thing everytime!!! I’m always in the dark!! And I was on my best behaviour; I was cute; I was encouraging; I did best not to put foot in mouth and start blabbering to hide embarrassment, I did, I did, I swear. So I’m not sure why the night cease to sustain itself and he just dried up. Help? Please? I’m tired of pretending that I know and I don’t know. It’s weird we keep going out on a one to one basis again and again, in spite of our misses. And here he does all the proper date-like, boyfriend-friendly things, including the springing surprises on me and crazy ideas strewn all over the place, and we go everywhere but there. It’s depressing. Even more depressing on the sudden blogger ads on God that appear on my blog out of nowhere. I don’t blog on that. Just you know, the closest thing that comes to Love. Weird.
Slightly happier side news:
1) Kaile sms-ed me. It’s been weeks since I stopped talking to him because he overpromised and underdelivered. So he finally somehow decided to relent and msg me (yay, I win the petty war!!!!) and got off his pedestal (why took so long huh, huh. Too proud issit). And I can come down from mine gracefully. Heh. Okay. So he is accompanying me to Parco to buy a pair of slippers for my bruised feet tonight and I think, to kaypoh and be all concerned and fuss over me so that he can leave for Vietnam/Cambodia (I think) guilt-free on Sunday afternoon. Correct, right? I know you got read my blog.
2) Jude asked me out for lunch tomorrow. I honestly think he is psychic like me. I have been thinking about talking to him after my traumatic yesterday night. See, ever since Jude caught a fleeting glimpse of the man in question during an unfortunate screening of Love Me If You Dare, he has maintained (and expressed) interest, incredulity, nostalgia (he said he also like that towards his wife during the mock courtship days, just as hapless and just as anal-retentive. Basically just refusing to say anything to confirm to her lar) and impossible mirth and amusement in my relationship. And he’s always appearing kind and generous and concerned, so I do share with him when he ask. So yup, I’m glad I’m having lunch with someone who analyses, and yes, I admit, he is supportive and positive about me and the man, hence my gratefulness. Coz, my friends disapprove, in general and I get discouraged with various cold remarks. Whereas Jude is kind and generous, and dare I hope, truthful, that the horrid man is indeed horribly in love, just finding it impossibly difficult to say it at all.
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