The Depths Of Shallowness

Drowning, Drowning in Cynicism; Drunk, Drunk with Sentimentality; Down, Down with Love; Dunked, Dunked in Life. Desperate Discourse. Disposable Desires. Dusky Dreams. Delirium. Dignity. Despair. Doubt. Duty. Dewy Days. Divine Divide. Dump Everything that Bothers in The Depths of Defiance. 《我的快樂時代》唱爛 才領悟代價多高昂 不能滿足不敢停站 然後怎樣 All Rights Reserved ©Angeline Ang

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Tempestuous. Intense. Proud. Intellectual. Easily Bored. Consummate Performer. Very Chinese. Very Charming. Fair. Pale. Long, Curly, Black Hair. BA(Hons). Literature. Philosophy. Japanese. Law. Dense in Relationships. Denser in All Else. Brooding. Sceptical. Condescending. Daria Morgendorffer meets Kitiara Uth Matar meets Ally McBeal. Always dreamy, always cynical, always elusive. Struggling writer, artist and student, in that order please.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Boy, am I glad to be working. It takes my mind off a thousand and one, and two, and three, crazy and crazier things.

Girl, am I glad to be gym-ming. It gives me something to work forward to after work that is not dinner, not movie, not another rendezvous that would turn my sleep routine upside down and make me spend tons of money. This is a purported cheap investment that would make me healthy and trim. And, visiting the gym regularly being something which I’ve never attempted before (even after minus-ing the regularly word), it’s not boring at all. It’s actually interesting, for me, to see myself doing this.

Why am I doing this? Am I really unhappy with myself?

Only occasionally. I’m usually a babe. But I guess I just want to see what’s the big deal about being in the other camp. I’ve experienced what it’s like being plump/fat etc etc and the implications and repercussions that follow the figure. It’s time to discover whether pastures are indeed greener when one is thinner. I suppose? Given one eats less, there should be more lush grass growing around. Oh-huh. Bad joke.

After that, I would decide if I wish to be a fat advocate, championing the cause of not-so-thin people.

I think too fat is bad but to be discriminated because you are not very fat, just not-so-thin is disgusting.

I think this is where I will stop harping about the weight and gym bits. I’m bored with writing about them already. Doing is still fun and funny. Surreal. The person on the treadmill, is that really me?

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I am a brain, I remember I used to be one and I hope I still have something of it left after a year of whatever atrophying away.

Someday, I’ll reread all my philosophy books and revisit all the theories that I have all but forgotten. I'm just good at existentialism now. It's the one branch that i enjoyed most and carried with me.

Someday, I will cover all the notes I enthusiastically printed and made in relation to qualia and the mind (known also simply as philosophy of consciousness :) in 2002 when I chose to do lit hons instead of philo hons, and emerged victoriously with a ton of philo hons readings after a visit to the Central Library intending to look for lit stuff (Here’s a link to additional brainy works that I will read when I get down to it).

Someday, after I’m done with my novel and all, will I settle down and be contented with being just a brain.

It’s difficult to be a brain when the environment is not there. No one to banter, to challenge, to discuss meaningfully and passionately.

It’s lucky I can talk about anything. But I miss philosophy classes at times like these when I remember (or imagined) a life very different.

What would happen had I gone full-fledged into philosophy? Had I gone overseas instead?

And obviously if I had done Jap as a major instead of a minor, I would probably be living and working happily in Japan now. I’m so good and cute at it. But I gave it up to pursue being a brain ie lit and philo. Studying Japanese always feels frivolous somehow. It’s like a side-issue, you know

Now I’m half-baked, mostly lost, possibly just a malcontent.

*

It’s difficult to attempt and think of everything at once. But I do.

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