You know those blogger ads they place on top of our blogs? Ever realised they change in accordance to what your latest entry on the blog is about? I have had writing, singing, dining ads etc but the most recent ones really take the cake.

For a week at least, I've had:

Positive Thinking
The official online home of Dr. Norman Vincent Peale

A Positive Way for Women
Trusted Self Esteem Experts can help you restore confidence & hope!

Negative thinking, peace of mind yada yada. My blog must sound depressing and suicidal and pathetic. But, oh well. It's only a blog. And I'm a writer. It's a construct; memory prosthetic, meant for catharsis.

The strange, ironic thing is, in Singapore, we are bombarded by slimming ads everywhere with no escape. And here in bloggerland, I gripe about weight and I dun get any ads on that AT ALL.

Anyway, okay, I can be positive. The moment I reach my ideal weight and figure, I'm going audition to sing in a pub and be a stage actress (theatre, theatre!), and I'm gonna make it. If I were thin years ago, I would have done these already. Now they are buried in aged fats which I'm determined to shed (fats, not the former!!!). These are things I put off due to weighty issues. It's high time I resolve or abandon them.

That's all for determinacy. Now to catch disconnectedness and uncertainty:

I was walking along Parco on Fri night when I suddenly had the flashback of how he wanted to take me to Ma Maison. Given:

(1) I love Ma Maison;
(2) He doesn't know that I love and he likes the place himself;
(3) Ruth and I, having stumbled upon the place our dear selves, once even said, quite resolutely, we will fall in love with the guy who takes us there of his own accord (without our hint-hints and blatant endorsement);

it was surprising that we din dine there eventually, simply coz I din think the moment was right (nb: and I haven't had a clue what he was gonna say later), so I rejected the offer and we went to another restaurant instead.

I'm glad I said no, else he would have spolit the place for me. But given Ma Maison is really quite pricey at night (It becomes a bar/pub restaurant), I don't know why he wants us there, given he's gonna say the things he's gonna say.

Like I said, this shouldn't be important, or crossing my mind, but it did, suddenly and it is slightly troubling, that the why he wanted to tell me in such a setting surfaced as a small issue that I took time to quietly reflect on a little, when I have never thought of this back then, saved now.

*

I saw someone as I was making my way to Parco from Beach Rd yesterday. I have never met him outside of school (the dates dun count, I mean just purely bumping into each other at random frequency) and I saw him talking with a friend quite warmly. Given I dun wear my glasses and I dun have a habit of looking around, it was shocking that I saw him when I least expected it.

I dun know if he realised he just brushed past me but I was quite forlorn after that. Is it because I realised he has ended his exams and he din let me know? Is it because he looked happy and life goes on in his world? Is it because he din notice/acknowledge/greet me?

Subsequently, I imagined if we had never met in uni, that things never happened the way they did, and we are perfect strangers, at the moment when I looked up and saw him, talking and laughing happily with another person, would I care; would I even be attracted, would I move on without thinking at all.

And suddenly, things fall into perspective, at least the perspective that I like to adopt, it barely matters when one sees it that way. He's just another guy I'd never know. I'm unyoked; liberated and accountable to no one, but myself.

Felt significantly less forlorn after that. I think I can go on.