He will tell me he met someone else. That’s the whole purpose of us meeting tomorrow night. That’s why he’s travelling all the way down to Tampines to my territory for once. He will break it firmly, kindly and gently, but not apologetically, ‘cos he has never let me down.

I met someone.

And I’ll be calm and lovely, glowing in the dark, in my understanding, in his happiness. Shiawase yo.

I am happy for you.

I talked to Ruth about this earlier. She thinks I’m nuts. I just think I have too much spare time at the moment, hence the inane speculations. Obviously, I don’t believe in the above scenario myself (in the sense I doubt he will hurt me so suddenly and spectacularly). He will never do that to me. But I can imagine the outcome before it plays out itself tomorrow, can’t I?

I hate being caught unprepared. Like I reminded Ruth, it has happened before. She said very reasonably and sensibly, they are two different persons. And perhaps, something very joyous may occur.

I know. Hence, my fear. I do care this time. The stakes are there. And I’m vain enough to believe I matter as importantly. If it stalls, splutters and stops completely, I just might give up thinking, you know what. I will think only this far.

There’s always the possibility, like how I was led astray, of how he could be tempted.

I’m happy to be seeing him. I shouldn’t let this grayness cloud my childish pleasure and excitement at the simple thought of meeting him.

He: Tue then.

Me: What time?

He: You can tell me the earliest possible time you can be at your interchange and that shall be the time.

Me: 6.50pm. Where are we going?

He: What a silly question to ask, knowing that this question will not be answered…

Me: It doesn’t hurt to ask.

I know he won’t tell me what we are gonna do but I like to ask. I also know I'm a silly, silly girl. Silly but happy; happy but silly.

Shimin, was it you who said he’s the perfect boyfriend in many ways?

He’s quite perfect, except he’s not my boyfriend. Someday, some lucky girl will have the exclusive privilege of having all these exquisite little surprises lined up solely for her sunny smiles.

Status quo, darling, status quo. Someday, it will be somebody else. But now, it seems we are happy as a committed pseudo couple and it is all that matters.

Addendum:I realise I've moved from hoping to take a step forward to mildly worrying (irrationally) we may be moving in separate ways. Now I'm honestly relieved that nothing (bad) has been said each time we are together. This can't be good, or healthy. He has always been steadfast in his odd and affectionate gestures towards me. There's zilch cause for my unworthy, unfaithful (that I'm actually having doubts) thoughts, but I guess there's a reason my irrational fear is irrational :)