The Normal Life

Companion: Hi, can I pick you up 6.15pm at your void deck?

Manners. There can never be too much of it. My companion for the night, was a breath of fresh air, compared to my usual escort. I guess I have surfeited on silence and surliness and strangeness for a bit too long. I used to think that was novel and was attracted to it. But today, I welcome and embrace normalcy, and being integrated into what is considered mainstream for a change.

And so, hopping into his car, we headed first to his favourite Katong laksa stall in where else, Katong, to have a bite, before moving to Esplanade.

In a way, I was relieved that it was someone else who went with me to watch Sleeping Beauty On Ice. Because Boss was seated beside me and showed interest in my companion ie asking what he's doing, which university did he graduate from etc. And my companion held himself rather well, I'm pleased to say.

Sleeping Beauty was enjoyable, especially with an amicable and appreciative companion to pass inane comments about the show. The skaters were really good. If anything, the narrator should be shot and replaced. I can't make out what he's saying half the time. Kept swallowing his words.

My companion was gallant enough to indulge my childish desire of touching the ice rink. So, on the pretext of finding what we have forgotten to take away when the show ended, we sneak back. I touched the rink and fled. Heh.

Following that, Companion suggested going to the rooftop. He asked if I've ever been there and appeared really surprised that I had. C'mon, I reminded, I'm in Singapore, you know. I haven't been so away, so it's really no big deal that I've come here before. Well apparently, he has never, and only read of it in the papers lately. So up we go, up, up and away.

(I remember us going to the Esplanade together for the first time, even before it was officially opened. We attended a *test* concert together and a lot of ministers were there too. Months later, I remember he taking me to the library where we sat in what he deemed as the best seats to breath in the night scenery. It was very near Christmas 2002 (or was it 2003) and demarcates the beginning of malfunctionality, more and less. We sat in absolute silence thereafter. Words were always useless and redundant and failing, even with my love for and absolute reliance on them whenever returned to the subject of He. And of course, we appeared on the rooftop together one day. He was no longer the first to bring me there, even though he had that very intent so long back.)

Then it's off to seek the Botero treasures around the Esplanade! Too bad the museum's closed, so. Too bad we couldn't see the actual colours of the sculptures. Must return in broad daylight to check them out. Between molesting sculptures and looking at signs, we were being goggled at by a rickshaw rider blasting really nice music at a metre's length away, possibly less. It was tempting a thought to be all touristy but when we finally figure out the interest was mutual on the passengers' side, we had walked too far and lost all sight of the rider. Oh well. There must be a stain somewhere in the picture perfect.

I like my companion, who's beamingly smiley and very nicely dimpled and intellectual and likes to exchange views on issues. (Honestly, I find his dimples fascinating.) I need more new friends like that. I like my old friends, but sometimes, it's hanging out with new people that you get back zest and inspiration, and feel good, due to the unexpectedly (maybe not so unexpected in this case) interesting results ensuing from the interaction.

Topics covered: how to address a waiter/waitress, service in Singapore, casino, politics, rallies, languages, logic, of scholars and being misunderstood ones, really wanting to do what we did not have a degree in, national service, SDU, museums and zoos etc.

A relatively new companion, whom you have yet to master his/her responses, is hence, always exciting and unpredictable. Every view is fresh; every word is captivating.

Because I'm leading a normal life now, my companion sent me home.

Please wish Normalcy for me. I'm tired of being special and too special.

那是個寧靜的夏天 你來到寧夏的那一天

About Angelinesque Angst

Today, Angst (whatever that's unresolved from teenybopper years spilling over to miserable quarter life stage) bounced back in full force after a welcomed disappearance lasting the whole of six months.

Welcome back, Angst. When you are haunting me obsessively, causing me to brood and mull over Life, Love, Lust and Lack, I know I have too much time on my hands and to myself.

I knew something just has to be very wrong ( and yet so right in the familiar hey-I-recognise-this! way) when I found myself

(1) Willing the mobile to display an sms from someone
(2) literally shaking with disbelief and excitement when the mobile does pay obeisance to my will
(3) Not reading the message until at least half an hour has passed to convince myself I don't care
(4) discovering the message was sent by someone who was not the someone I thought that was
(5) experiencing relief and disappointment all at the same time immediately thereafter
(6) going through motions (1)-(5) unwaveringly for the past 6 hs or so.

And you'd think one gets wiser and most cynical with age. Hogwash. I believe we only get more excitable over the smallest of details as we aged. Anyhow, I'm glad to report my sudden emotive feelings have been somewhat sedated, by time and the excruciatingly meaningless wait that has more than diluted any regard and appreciation I may have for the Obviously-it's-not-going-to-happen-because-I-know-the-person-only-too-well-but-it-may-be-different-this-time-even-though-I'm-goddamn-sure-no-no-no.

Have chucked the mobile away in despair. That useless thing.

So, there you have it, pure proof that Angst is back, now that I'm zipping through Angelinesque meta theories and devising elaborate plans to test that A Person does care, especially, and making that same person think that I don't quite care especially. Maybe a bit, but not especially.
With much horror, I do acknowledge that now, I have no more valid reason to procrastinate in Life.

Start Living...Stop Thinking...When In Doubt, Sing & Shop...

Hence, the visit to KBox tomorrow and a bout of hopefully bountiful shopping.

They are showing Pay It Forward at 10pm today. That was a movie we watched in Cineleisure together with some friends. Incidentally, that was the last decent mainstream thing we did before we gave up altogether, and for what, I do not know now, and still.

But enough of fluff. Boo.

Addendum: The sms(es) came when I was watching Pay It Forward. Sheer coincedence or planned, but do we care. For the most brevity of moments, I was made to feel regretful at an impetuous act on my part. I have already done so, so. So, there's certainly no grounds to suggest even the possibility of it. It was Doubt and Guilt that were culpable of Play. But please, dwell no further, because it will only move most viciously and vacuously in a hateful circle. Anyway, I do wish to say too, that The Person fell asleep while we were watching the movie. It seems that mainstream things have that effect, in addition to crowd-inducing spasms of dizziness. That's probably one of the better reasons why we stopped at normalcy eventually.

The Christmas Without Eve

I slept the entire Christmas eve away.

Starting from 2pm-7pm, then 8pm-10pm, then 12midnight to 7am, no thanks to bad, bad headache and bad stomachache that lasted since morning. And I didn't even eat anything. Duh.

During the few wakeful hours, I managed to delete Xmas sms-es (without replying), eat a small slice of log cake and watch a bit of Love Actually to imbue magical hope and sunshine on a lousy day/night tragically plagued by ill-health.

Top 10 Things that were more Xmas-sy in nature:

1) My boss gave me a bag! Very Chinese, in fact, all the way from China. Amazing (that it was from China). She also said she has something else for me in her car. But we din manage to retrieve that, so the surprise will have to wait.

2) CK gave me a bag!

3) John gave me a CD pouch!

4) Too many Marks and Spencer Chocs & their luxurious biscuits covered with Belgium Chocolate.

5) Met someone new, male, a year older, from the Rafflesian family and stays in AMK. Deja vu or what.

6) Drinking some non alchoholic bubbly called Bimbo Strawberry.

7) Getting e-cards from my 2 super cute and adorable HCJC interns (who just ended their A Levels). A year on and they still love me!!! :) Qinyi asked when we are going for a seafood feast and Tingliang also said to meet and catch up.

8) And in additional to 7, getting a rather long email from Tingliang. Which is really quite nice. Reminds of lovelier times I used to correspond with Wang Yun. Reminded me of how young I was then! So young that our letters were delivered by postmen and not via cyber resources. Well, we all have gone through a lot in life since then, haven't we. Slightly sobering. *shakes it off*

9) Realising from 8 that intern has a blog and happily read it.

10) Getting an invite for Sleeping Beauty and celebrating the fact I will be attending it with someone else, other than my usual companion.

The Pathetic Low Self Esteem Day

Today has been an awful, awful day. Just Terrible.

It's A Low Self Esteem Day.

Low Self Esteem Days, by my definition, has absolutely nothing to do with questioning individual capabilities and talents. No sir, I never doubt that I'm that good. In fact, I insist I am.

Low Self Esteem Days, however, are brought upon by person or people around you who make suggestive remarks about your appearance (somewhat negative, but of course), causing you to feel like an unattractive cow as a result.

I don't know. How do you fight the feeling of feeling like an unattractive cow? It's not even funny, especially when it is insinuated that the lack is likely to hamper progress in a particular area you will love to engage in.

If you tell me, darling, lose weight and it'll be okay, I will believe you and still stay happy while actually doing something about it. Because it's true. I do need and want to be thinner, just to fit into the classic mould of a Singaporean woman, so that I don't stick out amidst other females who are incredibly slim and be considered so-called attractive in the slim kinda way.

Guys need to be tall and girls need to be slim. For life to be a little smoother. Period.

An ex(friend) most memorable(and possibly wisest) words to me, in not so exact terms:

You know, your hair and complexion are okay. Your personality is there. Why don't you just bloody hell lose weight? I'm sure life will change drastically and dramatically for you.

Another he, when I told him about it, supported such a view strongly. But then, he's always been very keen on my losing anything.

And I accepted all these. Because there is truth in those words and it does paint a flattering picture. There's an even more beautiful girl in me once those fats are shed!

But today, today was depressing. I wasn't even advised about doing anything to myself at all to up Chance and cheat Fate. It was merely implied they (referring to people who are not the people making these remarks that spoilt my entire day) are seeking people who are good-looking. Which implied I'm not one of them. How insulting. If effort is taken to pile the make-up and dress up, and even having the makeover shoot, I'm sure I'll loom over the competition, without tweaking, or tipping the scales either. Anyone can, come to think of it, with a wonderful make-up artist and with investment of time and money. Unless you are really hopeless.

I'm pleasant enough looking as pleasant can get, naturally ie as in by Nature. Definitely not plain. And I'm willing to make an effort to accomodate (just dun have any have designs on my hair literally, like dyeing/cutting it real short/and the dreadful, dreaded rebonding) and change a bit physically as my kind of compromise. But no, the person just said they probably looking for good-looking people (which I swear, cannot be true, because those who are in, are simple, and pleasant at most too).

I used to be insecure about the way I look when I was much, much younger. There was even a stint during which I was convinced I looked like a guy. It took quite a while then again after to believe that I'm really, really okay.

Hence, I'm pretty immune to certain comments since The Looker issue has been resolved long ago. But now and then, a remark that comes hurling, esp by 100% well-meaning and respected person who seems to feel I'm setting myself up for disappointment, hit the healed wounds, resulting in a crack, and then the crashing down of my shallow, shallow world.

Seeds of suspicion, when sown, only can grow, and never quite die.

It's The Pathetic Low Self Esteem Day, I'm afraid.

I look into the mirror and a cute person is staring wide-eyed at me.

I'm so sick. I shall lose weight and do a Jolin Tsai transformation into a super provocative thin slut.

Sigh.

I really loathe Low Self Esteem Days.

One Woman's Obsession Is Another Man's Obfuscation

Tonight, I'm allowed escorts to the Dick Lee concert. My girlfriends are unfortunately, either away to Hong Kong, or out caroling and refused to give him face. Ingrates.

*

Shinhao drove me home, even though he really didn't have to. 'Cos Minxiu could easily have and I came in the latter's car anyway.

*

And after tonight, I will always seriously wonder if guy friends in the know about my fetish for veins check out my other guy friends' veins when they do happen to meet. Well, look by all means. It's fascinating to examine the issue and hear from a male perspective. One woman's obsession is another man's obfuscation, yay!

*

I trust everyone enjoyed the concert.

A Card, A Concert and A Catch

Got my first Christmas card of the year from the regional VP of Feld Entertainment, expressly sent all the way from Hong Kong.

*

Attended Dick Lee's concert last night. Brought my sister along, then promptly abandoned her and ran to the backstage (Ha, I have the All Access Pass) to watch how the rich and famous kiss kiss, hug hug and pose pose for glam shots with the People Who Matter. Fun. And no, Taufik and Slyvester were long gone. The concert was okay. Will be going again tonight.

Went to Oasis for Teochew porridge for post-show supper with Boss and our usual lunch kakis ie 5 of us. The Dick Lee clan was seated behind us.

*

Just had the weirdest dream in which I yelled out my bitter disappointment with some people and things to a stunned audience. Bizarre, to say the least. Since I'm usually very PR and that's the very nature of my work when I do events. Maybe I'm too repressed and cool and unflappable in real life. I also dreamt of him coming to my house, and realising with a jolt he was on very familiar terms with my girlfriend (whom I don't care too much about and don't like much either). I remembered being upset.

Upset. Due to Pride. I can't stand being proven wrong.

*

I read this some days back.

I Hate French Movies

Thanks to Minxiu's craftiness (and unbelieveable sense of urgency) right after he led me to saying something along the lines of "I guess we could do a movie tonight", with my stress on could, I stress here again, he went very happily ahead to book tickets online for Comme une Image. Before I knew it and could do anything more useful to stall for time, I found myself reading with mock horror an sms from him gleefully announcing his efficiency, thus sealing my fate for what lies ahead.

It's one thing to watch an arthouse film, another to watch one in French, especially when ill-prepared for such an adventure. There's a reason why I don't remember any of the French I learnt in secondary school. The entire experience has been painful and pretentious (it was my snobbish desire to be all uppity that led to such a bad choice in the first place). I remember trying my darnest in all my classes (before I quitted entirely) to be at least invisible. Together with Jonathan and Zhongyi, we will struggle with accents and french verbs and their inexcusable gender divide (everything is differentiated via gender; the French are most gay-intolerant). Saved for Zhongyi, we all said goodbye to French eventually, and the last I heard, he's on a scholarship in France studying architecture. Bizarre.

But back to French movies. So. I'm always rather wary of French whatever. *read* OVERRATED. Especially in the light of recent French arthouse flicks that failed impressively to earn my attention at all, even when I was the one who insisted on watching. I have the remarkable tendency to close my eyes after a while, after I realise the characters are still droning on in the same setting like forever, and the badly translated (I presume hopefully) subtitles failing to capture or communicate any redeeming gleam of brillance that's lost on me.

Comme une Image lost mainly on the account I was already suffering from a lack of sleep, accumulated from the past eventful month, and which it will take a really exciting (read: veins, romance, nudity, historical opulence, decadent era, my kind of genres, arthouse and otherwise irrelevent, I very the egalitarian one) spin to grab me. Despite the raving reviews, I remained stoically indifferent. Tried for a brief moment to be all literary and pretentious (which I can, effortlessly, usually) and read the nuances and blah but my eyelids came crashing down, thus crushing any attempts at appreciation. Quite sad. But it was really too vapid for me to feel anything other than sleepiness. I wasn't even bored. It didn't help matters that the subtitles read like they were wrong when placed in context with the expressions and gestures. After a while, I didn't care anymore.

Perhaps this is how Shinhao felt when we watched Jeux D'enfants. I don't blame him. I was bitterly disappointed myself at the film that promises so much in its premise but failed to draw out deftly its potential. I enjoy the childhood scenes very much though, in all fairness. Still, coming from the viewpoint of someone who is all too well-versed in the art of playing and daring, I'm very sure the writer and director have no idea what they are talking about. Far from being pleasing and poignant as a movie, it was self-indulgent and annoying.

It will take a really good French film, with excellent translation in a proper setting (when I'm well-rested) to make me change my mind that the French film is waaaaaaaaay overrated.

I lost my haircare product that I bought before the screening in the theatre. Forgot to lug the bag (beside the aisle) home. Like damn, it costs $42 and is sold at Paragon, and what I have at home is running out. So damn, I hate French movies.

At the end of it all, we ended the crazy night with a stint at KBox.

Steamboat/BBQ

It's too bad my primary school girlfriends do not enthuse as much as the guys about the steamboat/BBQ gathering tonight at Kaihan's place. Granted only another three were informed, but still, despite all appearances, they fail to turn up and only send notification in the very last.

So other than myself, there's host Kaihan, Weiming, Jarvis, Derrick, Darren, Ryan and Andy. If I conveniently disappear, it will be one cool gay party. I'm kidding. They are all very straight guys. And one girl is better than no girl at all.

I am consoled that despite my limited capabilities in the kitchen (Kaihan sent me out of the kitchen to water his plants *sob*), apparently our generation of guys do know their stuff and are happy to cook and clean. Like yay! Wonderful! Plus, being the only girl has its perks. Not having to carry any shopping bags (when buying ingredients), and basically pottering around helplessly (after watering the plants) while the guys efficiently wash the vegetables, do the cleaning-up after the feast, and clearing/washing the tons of plates and bowls. Nevermind that Weiming (beside me) kept unceremoniously reminding me of what I can't do, or am doing wrong. I'm only too happy to sit back and let my boyfriend rule the kitchen if that's so.

Kaihan is so cool. He made the soup broth/base himself and marinated the meats. I really like the lean pork which he used XO to bring out a rich flavour. Yummy! He also made fruit jelly.

Dug out half-rotted things from the closets we shared, and blah, and blah.

Mahjong and cards.

Quite a good night.

(Yes, I'm losing steam. Can't write anymore)

Driving Miss Angeline

Today was surreal.

Because I set aside Monday and Tuesday to run Very Important Errands, I texted him to check if I could retain an account jointly held by Mum and myself by just canceling out her name, leaving only mine. (A check conducted by myself with the 24-hour hotline reveals the most hassle-free method is to close the old account and transfer what's there to a new one)

I guess it's to his credit, that I consider him reliable, trustworthy and knowing well enough about finances and stuff I'd hate to care about under normal circumstances, that I turn to him instinctively with regards to issues like these. Really, I am doubtful that my other friends will find them of interest.

And of course, being the prudent, cynical person I am, I will still check it out on my own. It's just that I find it assuring to talk to him about it, since he's more than happy and willing. Well, readers, if you think you are up to the job, as I think he possibly could be, please let me know. I know about him 'coz he lets me know he knows.

He says he is in the East now, and that we could meet if I have more of other questions.

I said I'll be home in 5mins (went to the temple).

He said he'll meet me at my void deck in 15 mins.

And then there he was, *surprise*, in a car. And I hopped onto it, like it was the most natural thing in the world. And why shouldn't it be. I have sat in lotsa cars. Maybe it's just that it marks the first time we are actually in a car, and not walking together into the sunrise/sunset. That I felt mildly disoriented in my seat, and he beside me, driving quietly to Siglap. It was rather pleasant - pleasant and surreal. In a bizarre twist, we went past the temple where I was in the morning.

And then, there's the hands on the wheel and glorious veins that I could sneak peeks at when I remember to and I'm not daydreaming away (staring vacantly is a luxury these days). What a *real* treat. And I hope he never gets to read this :)

Anyhow, we made the trip to Siglap and did a slightish bout of walking, 'coz we can't decide what to eat, so walked from left to right and back again. Actually I had my lunch already, so he had a quick one at Killiney before we drove off in search of a better place to hang out.

Eventually he drove us to Changi, this SAF Yacht Club/Clubhouse and we sat by this alfresco place by the sea for more food (he), desserts and drinks (us).

Nevermind what we talked about.

And we drove back to my place and end of story. He left, after I got off, but of course.

Still, surreal.

And it's my guess no one but myself would understand why it's so surreal for something so normal. But no matter what, he's a good friend and that's the way it shall stay.

如果对于明天没有要求 牵牵手就像旅游
成千上万个门口 总有一个人要先走

直到和你做了多年朋友 才明白我的眼泪
不是为你而流 也为别人而流

Mummy's Post #1

Great. My sister and I are officially orphaned. It's kinda depressing to see it that way, even when you are already in your twenties. At least when Mum was sickly, she was like, there. So, now we are pretty much left on our own. For real.

I wanted to keep a bone after we collected them from the crematorium but was unfortunately stopped by everyone, the Uncle who did the wake stuff, the temple person arranging my mum's remains, aunt etc. I seriously think my mum wouldn't have minded too much. I've asked her before sometime back and she said okay.

Mum wants me to be a neater person and less of a tornado on the loose. She also wants me to be less headstrong, less proud and to take care of my sister. And to put on my glasses all the time, or to wear contacts or do the whole Lasik thing. I have her recorded on audio tapes, so that's something.

My parents have led extremely difficult lives, and had edgy relationships with their individual families. I remember being very poor when I was much, much younger, and there wasn't anything we could do about that. I also remembered being treated unkindly or being ignored, and being acutely aware of it, and knowing that my parents felt all that I was feeling and were much saddened themselves. Who likes being treated differently, just because you are poor, and who likes to see their children being treated as such due to this.

I guess I turned out pretty okay. My parents gave me their all. I gave them a scare for the first six years I was around, 'coz I was forever coughing and wheezing like Raistlin Majere. I hacked away practically every night when I was older and cried all the time before that. Eventually Mum gave up a rather promising career in the army (or so she claimed) to take care of me full time before I reached one year old. Yeah, I'm pretty all right, maybe a little more proud, prickly, snobbish, condescending and sarcastic than people around me will prefer (milder and gentler not, please :) but I like it this way. I earned the right to be all these through sheer determination and hard work.

I have travelled a long distance to where I am, and I have seen my parents totally unhappy over thorny blood relations, so it's very hard for me to accept my extended families with smiles, when they have always been out. I can be cynical and say oh well, they see how great I am now and were sorry they failed to be nice to me vs oh, are they like guilty now, now that their daughter and son are all gone, leaving the granddaughters/nieces alone in this sick, sad world but I shall not. I don't know what actually happened (saved that nasty feeling of being looked down upon and treated like shit) that led to so much unhappiness and it no longer matters anyhow, since Mum and Dad are dead.

I will never forget and forgive, but I can reconcile, for my parents' sake. And hence, I did the very Asian thing of sitting at the round table for lunch after the trip to the crematorium. This was the elaborate meal and hence significant that my dad's side saved two places for my sis and I, trying to catch my eye and looking expectantly when they did. I hesitated and went to sit with them. They saved me a place beside the cousin, who's slightly older than me and we chatted about work, being both in the same industry. You'd go, what's the deal. Mind you, my cousin and I have not seen each other for seven years and what we spoke that day was more than the twenty odd years combined. I'm pretty sure my cousin was advised upon by all the aunts and uncles to "break the ice" through the younger generation. It wasn't as painful as I thought it could be, and my cousin's rather cool. We are all, now that we have grown up.

So eventually, PR was conducted in the most respectable manner and extended families were happy. I was relieved. And as proud as ever.

At the temple in which my parents' ashes were housed, I looked at the space beside Dad, now occupied by Mum and they residing side by side (complete with photos and they are such a good-looking couple together) and I'm like WTF. If there's such a thing as afterlife, truly so, I hope they are happy. Seeing them also makes me sad that there will be no Mum or Dad at my wedding, if I ever found someone worthy and brave enough to take me on. Bizarre. But that's always the thing that troubles me. My parents never seeing me married or having my own kids.

天上的星星不说话 地上的娃娃想妈妈
天上的眼睛眨呀眨 妈妈的心啊鲁冰花
家乡的茶园开满花 妈妈的心肝在天涯
夜夜想起妈妈的话 闪闪的泪光 鲁冰花

Taking A Moment

Currently taking a moment from the wake.

I'm immortalising the following in my blog:

Ruth has been coming every single night after work (and always calling to check whether I need anything before she drops in). On top of that, her mother came, and bought me lotsa cakes and bread for PR activities. Her dad also came.

My Gongshang-ers came. Zichao, Junxiang, Shiqi, Yifang and Huiting each, on their own, with the latter two doing two visits. Huiting shocked me when she embraced me with tears. Shiqi cried a little when she revealed her mum died of cervical cancer a year ago. Ryan, Kaihan and Weiming turned up in the middle of the night to pay respects and talk to me (we stayed pretty close to each other). Kaihan came this morn again to pay respects and chat. Weiming will come tonight on his own (*surprise!*).

Meihui, Jincai, Minxiu and Qingwei came and the former three will turn up tonight and it will be Minxiu's third visit, ranked immediately after Ruth. Geraldine and Peiyi visited together, while Minchao was on her own.

People whom I barely know/was beginning to know better showed concern. Eric came and that was nice. Shin came and that was nice. Weixiang was in Malaysia and did it through Eric.

Shimin will come for the third time tonight (topping list after Ruth and Minxiu). Qiuyan, Chih Yuan, NUS Huiting, Ezo, Huixin, Shinhao, Hongboon, Abel and Joyance were here all at different times.

Kaile took leave and spend 1.5 days here, even though I din have time to talk to him much.

My colleagues were here.

Philo Grace was here.

Lingxiu was here.

April and Joojin were here.

And did I miss out anyone else? Hmm.

Okay. Just remembered Meihui visited thrice too, if including the would-be one later. And so's Chinyi!

So, has everyone figured who everyone is, in real life? Most people I have mentioned on the blog did turn up? Like Chinyi and Shimin meeting. Everyone seeing my best friend...and of course the legendary He always coyly hiding behind the "he" as you read.

*

I fear I may be shallow, but I'm truly quite overwhelmed by some of your generosity. My best friend, my closer friends, and some, at best, very good casual friends.

If some things are quantifiable materially, I'd do the same for you and more if I could. But may the opportunity to prove that never occur in the near long term.

*

Long night ahead. Apparently I'm not supposed to sleep. Oh well.

Addendum: Very unfortunately, Meihui has concurred professionally with Ruth that Eric reminds of Shinhao.

Short Note

For those of you who came, those of you who are coming and those who will come again, thank you for saving me from unwelcomed socialising with other camps.

Wake is Mon - Fri, leaving at 12 noon for cremation on the last day and prayers on Thu.

Life's Little Deep Pockets

Things that cheered me up this week:

I got a call from the HR who can offer me my dream job. It's too early to tell but hey, at least the VP is meeting me to find out more. The person who rang me to arrange for the meet is also someone whom I've talked to with regards to my interest two years ago. She's seen me when I was intern and student. So here I am, still struggling to prove worth and talent and fighting for my beliefs, and there she is, in the same department still. We laughed, and I reminded at least she's a manager now. Conversed in English intially, then when it occurred to me she is who she is, switched with joy to Mandarin. Actually, my Mandarin is pretty intact (have to, since I'm gunning for a job that holds such relevance), hiccups and all. I really hope dreams do come true.

*

Taufik won! I'm sure it's due to the two votes I cast for the very first time. He's amazingly sexy when he sang Me and Mrs Jones. And his moves are sooooo smooth.

*

Getting a really 冷 Singapore Idol sms from someone.

*

Finally getting down to having my jeans altered, watching BJ Diary: The Edge of Reason, simple things I have been dying to do for the past 3 weeks very unsuccessfully. Now I need to get white ribbons and bobby pins to fix my hair and life is a livable one.

I like the movie, and I love Hugh Grant. But I'm more or less seeing a Colin Firth-like (I should say Mark Darcy, but they are one and the same person really, isn't it) persona. Like the unfortunate female protagonist, I'm belaboured by a lawyerised, constipated, repressed fella who will choke upon anything remotely significant and progressive surfacing. But not relevant to this post. And I'm currently drowned in too many new things and people to figure us out. So, moving on.

*

Ruth. 'Nuff said.

*

My role in my current job being expanded.

*

Listening to All I Want For Christmas from Love Actually soundtrack, except I'm hearing it online. It makes me happy.

*

Knowing that Before Sunrise is watchable anytime now that Minxiu has passed me the DVD.

*

Anticipating seeing Minxiu, Shin, Vincent at the hill next week after my meet with VP if everything goes according to plan.

Things that marred my week:

Very unsuccessful attempt to own legally a physical copy of Love Actually soundtrack. Apparently sold out in Tampines. Sob. Must get a copy.

Hearing the doctor, when pressed for an estimation, saying he will be very surprised if mum can be around next weekend.

Addendum: Kaile texted me at 4:37:07 to say he has bought Love Actually soundtrack for me and will mail it to me. That's very love-ly of him. I thought to thank him publicly as well as to announce it in case other loving friends (very likely) have the same idea. Too late! Ha! Kaile has beaten you all to it. As to Kaile, other than thanking, I must also declare that I know I have been extremely anti-social and rude and cold and lately. But bear with me, and it shall pass. That goes for other friends too.

Of Renaissance And Returns

I seem to be experiencing some kind of renaissance in terms of friendship. Which is not unpleasant, but a tad bizarre and rather surprising. But perhaps to be expected. Weddings and funerals always bring people together again, as a wise saying goes. I would have hoped any contact made is due to more natural and becoming circumstances ie missing me overwhelmingly and independently, but I guess it takes both effort and courage to check on me again. In stranger cases, it's due to unseen forces that propel some of you back into my life, and I thank the unknown for my occasional good fortune in the most uncertain of times.

Yesterday, I received an email from a dear friend whom I used to attend philo classes with in university. Because I adore intelligent people; people who are always nice enough to drive me home (esp when they live in distant lands like AMK), and people who yak and dissect life non-stop ie who enjoy a good verbal sparring/animated discussion/intimate sharing, and Grace was all three, we got along great despite the lateness of realising each other's existence. Then life (beliefs and boyfriends, all more on her end) got in the way - there was always a lack of time upon graduation - and it was friendship, interrupted enacted.

It was a concerned email that tested waters, without coming across as too heavy, or flippant. The drawback was that the subject heading was crassly christened as "touching base." Urgh. Grace, I always knew you were better suited for the corporate world. Anyhow, I just want to announce openly on my blog that you and I, we are okay. Thank you for your email (I will email you back, just need to blog first).

Incidentally, Grace also has the dubious honour of making me burst into tears the moment I heard her voice over the phone. No one has ever managed or repeated the feat. *Quote from June 11th entry: Yesterday was bad, I suspect coz I din sleep. During work, just hearing a familiar voice calling my office line inquiring about my mum and I made me burst into tears. Quite cheesy and gross. But yeah, I have my unflappable and perky composure back since.*

I remembered that day as a week plus after my mum's first rushed op and marked my return to work, and I was so horrified and frustrated over my stupidity at not asking for a second professional opinion before agreeing to the op. I fretted insistently and incessantly over its necessity, esp when the doctors and nurses were unhelpful and unforthcoming with post-op care and information. I was ignorant and scared and most of all, angry. Pissed angry enough to make sure everyone pays in the only way I know how. Getting published in the forum with an elaborate plan in mind. And I still have unsettled business with SGH, which if I ever had energy and time, I will definitely follow it through.

But back to Grace. Grace was kind and helpful during my very, very rare moment of freaking out. She caught me during need, provided it the best that she can (the fact that she called me on my office line still never ceases to amaze me; she kept my business card!), and for that, I will always remember her fondly, even if she chooses beliefs and boyfriends over me most of the time. So, amazing Grace, welcome back.

That Grace reads my blog pretty regularly (which I have no idea) also solves partially the mystery of why there are so many visits from NUS network. I'm relieved to know that Meihui and Ezo do not reload my page religiously. Now, all I need to find out is: who's the stalker (if it's only one visitor) using sing, edu.sg as dial-up. The person does not get tired of checking my blog 8 times per hour. He/She is obviously convinced I should be blogging all the time.

Then there's the sms from Minchao today, someone I haven't heard from for almost 10 years. Who used to be one of my closest friends in DHS, till *chorus* life gets in the way, and part of the whole Minxiu and Meihui network. Who told her? 'Fess up.

We Like To Think We Can See The End

Ruth remarked that Eric reminds of Shinhao. I have my reservations.

*

Even though we had someone in our midst who actually knows who Mahler was (Weixiang), we concurred we have no idea at all whether the pieces were superbly played and if a note was off. Our ears were that undiscerning and unappreciative. Give me pop anytime.

My eyes were busily scanning the program though. Ruth and I have this theory that you can be totally ignorant about classical music and still write a decent review, so long as you have a literary background. Really. I rolled my eyes upon seeing the familiar gloss that we always employed when engaged in so-called critical analysis and dissertation (beautifully wrought and/or pretentious, interesting, textured phrases that mean nothing mostly)to pass off as intellectual and intelligent discourse.

ie wonderfully lyrical theme; heralds the inexorable build-up of passion which finds its final resolution in the brisk and robust; bitter and anguished; the outrageously exuberant ending, with passing references to the very opening theme, seems to encapsulate the blazing brillance of the noonday sun.

Like, hello, why don't I write a better one for you.

I was also traumatised to read that there are parodies of Wagner's Die Meistersinger, Franz Lehar's The Merry Widow and the famous Lutheran tune Ein' feste Burg, not to mention other sarcastic and ironic references. I'm like ?! How the hell do you parody a piece of music. When is it a parody and not a tribute, and how do you tell; what's the difference musically. And certainly I fail utterly to comprehend how we can have sarcastic and ironic references in music. They are all lost on me! Plus, what's the point and meaning of these references - how do they enrich the music as they do in prose or poem?

Ruth stoically accompanied me till the concert was over and then excused herself. Then there's just the three of us left. You know the rest.

*

New restaurant in Tampines Mall - Phin's - it's okay I guess.

*

If you have a nagging suspicion that I have flagging desire to speak to you or to see you, yes, you are right. I don't think you can make me feel good, or better, and probably irritate me no end even if you mean well. Just be around will do fine. I'm sure this is a phase I'm going through. So. Wait for me to snap out of it. Eventually, I will.

*

Only Ruth is to visit. No others allowed. It's my mum's wish. So. No.
Thank you.

*

What makes me feel okay is the sudden influx of people from my past returning to my present. The connection is the link to a future I can look forward to, I like to think.

*

I hope my mum can die within the week. She's really all loose skin
and skeletal. We have stopped the feeding completely. She's been excreting around the tube area since two days ago. This means her entire body system has been blocked by the cancer. Feed anymore, blocked anymore, and she'll be vomiting shit. So. We like to think we can see the end really soon.

Anyway, she's placed on the drip now. So was Eric's grandma just before she passed away at home. So. Should be about time.

How will it happen? Will I be present to witness? Or, will it happen as it did for him, slipping away when another is sleeping?

Just save me from my relatives and all those kaypoh aunties and neighbours when the time comes.