It's 5.22am 10th June now. I had logged off and tried to sleep at 2.30am. Pretended to sleep for 45 mins before giving up altogether. I can feel familiar waves of cold fear washing over me. Slightly more than a year later, they are back.
I've never been insomniac, nor too stressed to eat and drink, until that night, when I realised I could fail my hons year because my HT was deemed incomprehensible by all but me. And it wasn't just a simple matter of rephrasing; no amount of rewrites will save me. If I don't write the whole thing from a brand new angle in three weeks, shit will happen. So I went without a lot of things for 2.5 days just to think, and think, and think and type, and type and type. And for the first time in my life then, I felt real fear.
I feel it again now, as I hear my mum wheezing, gasping and moaning even as I type another piece. Only this time round, it's not a matter of my will power or within my control anymore. Another individual is involved and I can't do anything to help because the pain is hers to bear. I cannot complete it for her. My steely resolve has failed me this time when it has sailed me through everything else. I can only sit by the bed and offer useless company and look distressed.
It's my fault for trusting the doctor implicitly. That I was only too encouraging and supportive of the decision to go for the operation. I should have checked up more, requested politely for an extension, asked more questions, before embarking this ridiculously irrational leap of faith. Jude was asking me if I checked with another doctor and so on and I just, looked stunned. No, Jude, I'm afraid I didn't. It just din occur to me the doctor might have his own interest in mind. I just believed he meant to help my mum. Stupidly so. How silly of me. Ethics. Hogwash.
I almost managed to convince myself by evening, that to give the benefit of the doubt, that maybe the doctor was correct in removing the growth and the whole stomach to give my mum a better chance at survival. But when I reached home, I was horrified to see how thin my mum has become within a week. She's in constant pain (Fuck chemo, and fuck the op)and can't eat or drink much.
I think my mum might just shrivel, waste away and die first before the cancer gets to her. Her legs are scaly. Is this a sign of dehydration? I applied a lot of moisturiser on her and she was very irritated.
The hospital did not advise on the after-care post discharge from hospital on 9th June, Wed, not at all. And I'm sorry. I thought my sis would be smart enough to ask. Work kept me away and I was saving leave. The dietician only gave a single small sheet of handwritten note showing sample menu items apparently. This is ridiculous and most unprofessional. There was no support nor information on how to care for the patient. This is just so fucking shit. And a million things are happening at work, lots of shifts but that later. Like shit lor.
I think I'm scared and stressed. And for the record, Qiuyan is currently in my super bad books. 'Coz she feels my anger at the doctor is misdirected. It's ONLY A MISCOMMUNICATION, in her words. And you know how government hospital contacts are openly displayed on sites or you can call simply the receptionist for a general enquiry about how to get a person's email right. So I was testing (after I got DULAN at the miscommunication part) if she is *insert unknown adjective* by asking if she could ask ard who is in charge of what, just find out discreetly for me...and she just said it's no good, it'll put her in a difficult spot and she wouldn't know anyway, her peers also wouldn't know. Like hello. You scared what. I should be scared. I'm turning cold.
A Checklist of things to do:
(1)ask friends to ask friends to network for quick help, info and data through emails
(2) pose a list of questions that should have been asked before proceeding with the op. Now I just demand explanation and accountability since nothing can be undone. The doctor will just have to entertain me, I'm afraid.
(a)What is the stage of the disease?
(b)What are my treatment options? Which do you suggest for me? Why?
(c)Would a clinical trial be appropriate for me?
(d)What are the expected benefits of the treatment?
(e)What are the risks and possible side effects of the treatment?
(f)What can be done about side effects?
(g)What can I do to take care of myself during therapy?
(3) call up the dietician and demand a better presented and more detailed menu plan.
and pose her these questions:
(1.1) Is the pain due to the still raw wound; would it lessen with time? she can't sleep at all. what is considered a normal condition in her case?
(1.2) what is the ideal nutritious and hydrated menu a patient with no stomach at all should follow? cld you please recommend any nutritionist's contact or a trusted, reliable family doctor to me if you have?
(1.3) is it correct to say my mum needs significantly less water coz she has no stomach? she can only eat and drink in very limited amounts now within a selected food group...BUT i'm very concerned she might shrivel up and die of dehydration very soon instead of losing her to cancer. already her skin is getting scaly. i applied a lot of moisturiser on her just now. what is the minimal optimum water intake, and the maximum? is she supposed to drink very little - is this the norm and just how little can little get?
(1.4) is there anything i must provide and that i must not miss out? any essential nutrients? like i know that vitamin b12 is something a stomach-less person can't absorb and it has to be injected into the body etc etc (this is true right?). is there anything else i should know?
(1.5) is there a recommended stomach cancer support network to join?
(4) pose the same questions to whichever doctor is seeing us for the check-up two weeks later
(5) Update Shen in the twist pf events and enlist her brother's aid.
(6) call up the guy who recommended my mum to SGH.
*useful note*
Endoscopy -- an exam of the esophagus and stomach using a thin, lighted tube called a gastroscope, which is passed through the mouth and esophagus to the stomach. The patient's throat is sprayed with a local anesthetic to reduce discomfort and gagging. Patients also may receive medicine to relax them. Through the gastroscope, the doctor can look directly at the inside of the stomach. If an abnormal area is found, the doctor can remove some tissue through the gastroscope. Another doctor, a pathologist, examines the tissue under a microscope to check for cancer cells. This procedure -- removing tissue and examining it under a microscope -- is called a biopsy. A biopsy is the only sure way to know whether cancer cells are present.
StagingIf the pathologist finds cancer cells in the tissue sample, the patient's doctor needs to know the stage, or extent, of the disease. Staging exams and tests help the doctor find out whether the cancer has spread and, if so, what parts of the body are affected. Because stomach cancer can spread to the liver, the pancreas, and other organs near the stomach as well as to the lungs, the doctor may order a CT (or CAT) scan, an ultrasound exam, or other tests to check these areas.
Staging may not be complete until after surgery. The surgeon removes nearby lymph nodes and may take samples of tissue from other areas in the abdomen. All of these samples are examined by a pathologist to check for cancer cells. Decisions about treatment after surgery depend on these findings.
(7) check with my Fourth Aunt nurse on whether there could be negligence in the after-care procedures.
(8) Useful links:
American Cancer Society, Inc.
1599 Clifton Road, NE
Atlanta, Georgia 30329
800-ACS-2345 (800-227-2345)
http://www.cancer.org
AMC Cancer Research Center and Foundation
800-321-1557
http://www.amc.org
Cancer Information Service
800-4-CANCER (800-422-6237)
http://cis.nci.nih.gov
Follow-up with Friends who are to get back
(1) Jude will ask his doctor cousin
(2)Chinyi will check with nurse mum
(3)Chih Yuan will check with brother doctor.
well yes, i'm just trying everyone and everything, you have a problem with that?
MY MUM IS SUFFERING.
Oh well. Time to prepare for work. Don't visit, Ruth. Don't come, Kaile. Wrong Time. If you want to be really useful, do your research and feed me with what I need now.
Plan a proper menu for my mum. Find out. Stop her from losing anymore weight. Stop her from turning into a dried prune. So there.
I've never been insomniac, nor too stressed to eat and drink, until that night, when I realised I could fail my hons year because my HT was deemed incomprehensible by all but me. And it wasn't just a simple matter of rephrasing; no amount of rewrites will save me. If I don't write the whole thing from a brand new angle in three weeks, shit will happen. So I went without a lot of things for 2.5 days just to think, and think, and think and type, and type and type. And for the first time in my life then, I felt real fear.
I feel it again now, as I hear my mum wheezing, gasping and moaning even as I type another piece. Only this time round, it's not a matter of my will power or within my control anymore. Another individual is involved and I can't do anything to help because the pain is hers to bear. I cannot complete it for her. My steely resolve has failed me this time when it has sailed me through everything else. I can only sit by the bed and offer useless company and look distressed.
It's my fault for trusting the doctor implicitly. That I was only too encouraging and supportive of the decision to go for the operation. I should have checked up more, requested politely for an extension, asked more questions, before embarking this ridiculously irrational leap of faith. Jude was asking me if I checked with another doctor and so on and I just, looked stunned. No, Jude, I'm afraid I didn't. It just din occur to me the doctor might have his own interest in mind. I just believed he meant to help my mum. Stupidly so. How silly of me. Ethics. Hogwash.
I almost managed to convince myself by evening, that to give the benefit of the doubt, that maybe the doctor was correct in removing the growth and the whole stomach to give my mum a better chance at survival. But when I reached home, I was horrified to see how thin my mum has become within a week. She's in constant pain (Fuck chemo, and fuck the op)and can't eat or drink much.
I think my mum might just shrivel, waste away and die first before the cancer gets to her. Her legs are scaly. Is this a sign of dehydration? I applied a lot of moisturiser on her and she was very irritated.
The hospital did not advise on the after-care post discharge from hospital on 9th June, Wed, not at all. And I'm sorry. I thought my sis would be smart enough to ask. Work kept me away and I was saving leave. The dietician only gave a single small sheet of handwritten note showing sample menu items apparently. This is ridiculous and most unprofessional. There was no support nor information on how to care for the patient. This is just so fucking shit. And a million things are happening at work, lots of shifts but that later. Like shit lor.
I think I'm scared and stressed. And for the record, Qiuyan is currently in my super bad books. 'Coz she feels my anger at the doctor is misdirected. It's ONLY A MISCOMMUNICATION, in her words. And you know how government hospital contacts are openly displayed on sites or you can call simply the receptionist for a general enquiry about how to get a person's email right. So I was testing (after I got DULAN at the miscommunication part) if she is *insert unknown adjective* by asking if she could ask ard who is in charge of what, just find out discreetly for me...and she just said it's no good, it'll put her in a difficult spot and she wouldn't know anyway, her peers also wouldn't know. Like hello. You scared what. I should be scared. I'm turning cold.
A Checklist of things to do:
(1)ask friends to ask friends to network for quick help, info and data through emails
(2) pose a list of questions that should have been asked before proceeding with the op. Now I just demand explanation and accountability since nothing can be undone. The doctor will just have to entertain me, I'm afraid.
(a)What is the stage of the disease?
(b)What are my treatment options? Which do you suggest for me? Why?
(c)Would a clinical trial be appropriate for me?
(d)What are the expected benefits of the treatment?
(e)What are the risks and possible side effects of the treatment?
(f)What can be done about side effects?
(g)What can I do to take care of myself during therapy?
(3) call up the dietician and demand a better presented and more detailed menu plan.
and pose her these questions:
(1.1) Is the pain due to the still raw wound; would it lessen with time? she can't sleep at all. what is considered a normal condition in her case?
(1.2) what is the ideal nutritious and hydrated menu a patient with no stomach at all should follow? cld you please recommend any nutritionist's contact or a trusted, reliable family doctor to me if you have?
(1.3) is it correct to say my mum needs significantly less water coz she has no stomach? she can only eat and drink in very limited amounts now within a selected food group...BUT i'm very concerned she might shrivel up and die of dehydration very soon instead of losing her to cancer. already her skin is getting scaly. i applied a lot of moisturiser on her just now. what is the minimal optimum water intake, and the maximum? is she supposed to drink very little - is this the norm and just how little can little get?
(1.4) is there anything i must provide and that i must not miss out? any essential nutrients? like i know that vitamin b12 is something a stomach-less person can't absorb and it has to be injected into the body etc etc (this is true right?). is there anything else i should know?
(1.5) is there a recommended stomach cancer support network to join?
(4) pose the same questions to whichever doctor is seeing us for the check-up two weeks later
(5) Update Shen in the twist pf events and enlist her brother's aid.
(6) call up the guy who recommended my mum to SGH.
*useful note*
Endoscopy -- an exam of the esophagus and stomach using a thin, lighted tube called a gastroscope, which is passed through the mouth and esophagus to the stomach. The patient's throat is sprayed with a local anesthetic to reduce discomfort and gagging. Patients also may receive medicine to relax them. Through the gastroscope, the doctor can look directly at the inside of the stomach. If an abnormal area is found, the doctor can remove some tissue through the gastroscope. Another doctor, a pathologist, examines the tissue under a microscope to check for cancer cells. This procedure -- removing tissue and examining it under a microscope -- is called a biopsy. A biopsy is the only sure way to know whether cancer cells are present.
StagingIf the pathologist finds cancer cells in the tissue sample, the patient's doctor needs to know the stage, or extent, of the disease. Staging exams and tests help the doctor find out whether the cancer has spread and, if so, what parts of the body are affected. Because stomach cancer can spread to the liver, the pancreas, and other organs near the stomach as well as to the lungs, the doctor may order a CT (or CAT) scan, an ultrasound exam, or other tests to check these areas.
Staging may not be complete until after surgery. The surgeon removes nearby lymph nodes and may take samples of tissue from other areas in the abdomen. All of these samples are examined by a pathologist to check for cancer cells. Decisions about treatment after surgery depend on these findings.
(7) check with my Fourth Aunt nurse on whether there could be negligence in the after-care procedures.
(8) Useful links:
American Cancer Society, Inc.
1599 Clifton Road, NE
Atlanta, Georgia 30329
800-ACS-2345 (800-227-2345)
http://www.cancer.org
AMC Cancer Research Center and Foundation
800-321-1557
http://www.amc.org
Cancer Information Service
800-4-CANCER (800-422-6237)
http://cis.nci.nih.gov
Follow-up with Friends who are to get back
(1) Jude will ask his doctor cousin
(2)Chinyi will check with nurse mum
(3)Chih Yuan will check with brother doctor.
well yes, i'm just trying everyone and everything, you have a problem with that?
MY MUM IS SUFFERING.
Oh well. Time to prepare for work. Don't visit, Ruth. Don't come, Kaile. Wrong Time. If you want to be really useful, do your research and feed me with what I need now.
Plan a proper menu for my mum. Find out. Stop her from losing anymore weight. Stop her from turning into a dried prune. So there.
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