My mum has been diagnosed with cancer. After 3 months of throbbing pain in her stomach that ranged from mild to mildly severe, she did a conclusive scope on Monday that showed up a huge growth in there. The situation was pretty tense because the doctor in charge was kind enough to cancel his leave just to operate on her immediately the next day.
The operation lasted for 8 hours and for the entire time, my sis and I camped outside the operating theatre. For the first time in many years, the fear of losing someone became real again. And akin to the last time, this was a surreal feeling, to be in a particular position in which television and movies have exploited and corrupted most absolutely, to the extent you are very conscious that you are behaving in line with familiar cliches. The first drop, the coldness, the patient's why-me repertoire, just about everything.
*
I saw an aunt from my Dad's side for the first time in 6 years. Eversince Dad passed away, we have cut off all ties with them.
To them, "looking after us" means sending a representative to drop by every 4 months or so for 5 mins at our place, culminating in the generous gesture of stuffing a $50 note in our hands. Like hello, I can do better as a beggar in just one day, you know. It was painful and burningly humiliating. And I will always remember his side as money-grabbers who were unkind to my family since young because we were so awfully poor.
Now that I'm bigger and very much respectable socially (why do you think I'm a hons grad and a scholar? Nothing just happens), my family is better off, (thanks to me!!!). But still.
Yes, I hold nothing but bitter and vengeful thoughts when it comes to those relatives. I long to see their obituaries in the papers and laughingly attend their funerals like how some of them were disrespectful 6 years ago. I trust my cousins are good-for-nothings and I'm the best amongst all of them.
It's unfair when you consider how nothing terrible happens to them, and my mum, who's still very pretty, kind, smart and in her prime, has been a widow for so long, and now, cancer.
But back to my aunt, so I was polite but distant and I rolled my eyes when I heard her talking loudly to my mum's sisters of my Dad's mum had a stroke that left one side of her face sagging, and how terrible it is yada yada. Obviously, I can't feel any sympathy, esp if you throw in how that woman is already in her 80s and has no major ailments at all so far.
Anyway, so my mum's sisters were telling me how that aunt and the rest of Dad's side would really love to help us. What is stopping them is only their fear of our rejection. I coolly replied it was an entirely valid one and anyway if they had insisted and were sincere, what could have stopped them. In fact, I din want to inform them at all. Whatever for huh. It was my mum's side that informed them, despite my mum's reminders that her elder daughter would be most displeased. Still, it's been done so.
So. So the thing that angers me most now is how the aunt (and only the aunt was there only for yesterday) must have carried the news home and today, the first day after the major major operation, I see no one else from my Dad's end visiting, not even the aunt. What kind of fucking shit is this, you tell me.
*
I haven't slept in days. If you throw in the 10-day event in which I slept only at 1am on the average before turning up to work at usual time a week back, you'd understand why I'm sleep-deprived. I have never quite recovered. I think I look like shit. And I'm meeting the GCEO on Fri for a scholar tea.
I came home on Mon night (was shoo-ed home by an irritated Mom), wanting to continue my chinese novels (since I can't sleep anyway)and the bloody computer BROKE DOWN in the most peculiar way. It has been attacked by a malignant strain of virus that KNOWS exactly what matters to me most, right now. So I can't open my word/chinese files and so I can't write at all. And I'm horrified that all these files could be gone FOREVER!!!
I can only surf the internet and type my blog. This is weird. And life is shit. And to add on to the list of indignities I have suffered recently, I returned home on Tue night to find my flat plunged in complete darkness. Somehow in the entire block, my flat has managed to fuse itself and so, blackout. It's just shit.
It would be a lie if I don't admit that I do the why-me repertoire (as opposed to my mum's) myself now and then, but I do a pretty good job of overcoming that. I'm special, I tell myself. All genuises walk a hard path. Hence, the father's early demise; the various family's misfortunes, my struggle to write in midst of a career, for a career etc etc.
Regarding my mum's case, the operation is considered a success. But she has had her entire stomach removed (!?) so. It's quite depressing, really. The doc said there's a high (!!??) risk of recurrence and said she'll have to undergo the painful chemo FOR SURE. Which is so shit. Like we have no family history of cancer at all!!!! Why my mum??? Why not the evil people? My mum's body has been severely wrecked, so the thought of therapy just makes me cringe.
Many thanks to Qiuyan who helped me to translate a medical report prior the check-up on Mon, and for the simple, practical reason that she is going to be a doctor, who happens to be a very good friend of mine. I feel safe checking stuff with her and generally inquiring over and over again.
and mention of practicalities, if you want to contribute in various ways (got money, buy me things. no money, give me other things), here's a check list:
1)you can ply me with useful stuff like tonics...bird nests and ginseng etc etc for my Mum. I will shamelessly accept. No chicken essence, pls. It's of no use in my Mum's case. The doc has advised tonics.
2)help me print my stuff and lend me your computer to type out (just a couple or so hs) my works so that I can submit a couple of them before end June (which is why it's doubly the shit...I have a deadline to meet!!!)
3) be nice and let us have some fun together. I still need a social life, no matter what.
4)you can curse my Dad's side.
That's what I can think of now. Shall grab some sleep. Already took leave on Mon and Tue. Have to work tomorrow. Can't take anymore, 'coz I believe I need all the half-days in the world for the rest of the year.
The operation lasted for 8 hours and for the entire time, my sis and I camped outside the operating theatre. For the first time in many years, the fear of losing someone became real again. And akin to the last time, this was a surreal feeling, to be in a particular position in which television and movies have exploited and corrupted most absolutely, to the extent you are very conscious that you are behaving in line with familiar cliches. The first drop, the coldness, the patient's why-me repertoire, just about everything.
*
I saw an aunt from my Dad's side for the first time in 6 years. Eversince Dad passed away, we have cut off all ties with them.
To them, "looking after us" means sending a representative to drop by every 4 months or so for 5 mins at our place, culminating in the generous gesture of stuffing a $50 note in our hands. Like hello, I can do better as a beggar in just one day, you know. It was painful and burningly humiliating. And I will always remember his side as money-grabbers who were unkind to my family since young because we were so awfully poor.
Now that I'm bigger and very much respectable socially (why do you think I'm a hons grad and a scholar? Nothing just happens), my family is better off, (thanks to me!!!). But still.
Yes, I hold nothing but bitter and vengeful thoughts when it comes to those relatives. I long to see their obituaries in the papers and laughingly attend their funerals like how some of them were disrespectful 6 years ago. I trust my cousins are good-for-nothings and I'm the best amongst all of them.
It's unfair when you consider how nothing terrible happens to them, and my mum, who's still very pretty, kind, smart and in her prime, has been a widow for so long, and now, cancer.
But back to my aunt, so I was polite but distant and I rolled my eyes when I heard her talking loudly to my mum's sisters of my Dad's mum had a stroke that left one side of her face sagging, and how terrible it is yada yada. Obviously, I can't feel any sympathy, esp if you throw in how that woman is already in her 80s and has no major ailments at all so far.
Anyway, so my mum's sisters were telling me how that aunt and the rest of Dad's side would really love to help us. What is stopping them is only their fear of our rejection. I coolly replied it was an entirely valid one and anyway if they had insisted and were sincere, what could have stopped them. In fact, I din want to inform them at all. Whatever for huh. It was my mum's side that informed them, despite my mum's reminders that her elder daughter would be most displeased. Still, it's been done so.
So. So the thing that angers me most now is how the aunt (and only the aunt was there only for yesterday) must have carried the news home and today, the first day after the major major operation, I see no one else from my Dad's end visiting, not even the aunt. What kind of fucking shit is this, you tell me.
*
I haven't slept in days. If you throw in the 10-day event in which I slept only at 1am on the average before turning up to work at usual time a week back, you'd understand why I'm sleep-deprived. I have never quite recovered. I think I look like shit. And I'm meeting the GCEO on Fri for a scholar tea.
I came home on Mon night (was shoo-ed home by an irritated Mom), wanting to continue my chinese novels (since I can't sleep anyway)and the bloody computer BROKE DOWN in the most peculiar way. It has been attacked by a malignant strain of virus that KNOWS exactly what matters to me most, right now. So I can't open my word/chinese files and so I can't write at all. And I'm horrified that all these files could be gone FOREVER!!!
I can only surf the internet and type my blog. This is weird. And life is shit. And to add on to the list of indignities I have suffered recently, I returned home on Tue night to find my flat plunged in complete darkness. Somehow in the entire block, my flat has managed to fuse itself and so, blackout. It's just shit.
It would be a lie if I don't admit that I do the why-me repertoire (as opposed to my mum's) myself now and then, but I do a pretty good job of overcoming that. I'm special, I tell myself. All genuises walk a hard path. Hence, the father's early demise; the various family's misfortunes, my struggle to write in midst of a career, for a career etc etc.
Regarding my mum's case, the operation is considered a success. But she has had her entire stomach removed (!?) so. It's quite depressing, really. The doc said there's a high (!!??) risk of recurrence and said she'll have to undergo the painful chemo FOR SURE. Which is so shit. Like we have no family history of cancer at all!!!! Why my mum??? Why not the evil people? My mum's body has been severely wrecked, so the thought of therapy just makes me cringe.
Many thanks to Qiuyan who helped me to translate a medical report prior the check-up on Mon, and for the simple, practical reason that she is going to be a doctor, who happens to be a very good friend of mine. I feel safe checking stuff with her and generally inquiring over and over again.
and mention of practicalities, if you want to contribute in various ways (got money, buy me things. no money, give me other things), here's a check list:
1)you can ply me with useful stuff like tonics...bird nests and ginseng etc etc for my Mum. I will shamelessly accept. No chicken essence, pls. It's of no use in my Mum's case. The doc has advised tonics.
2)help me print my stuff and lend me your computer to type out (just a couple or so hs) my works so that I can submit a couple of them before end June (which is why it's doubly the shit...I have a deadline to meet!!!)
3) be nice and let us have some fun together. I still need a social life, no matter what.
4)you can curse my Dad's side.
That's what I can think of now. Shall grab some sleep. Already took leave on Mon and Tue. Have to work tomorrow. Can't take anymore, 'coz I believe I need all the half-days in the world for the rest of the year.
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