Mummy's Post #1

Great. My sister and I are officially orphaned. It's kinda depressing to see it that way, even when you are already in your twenties. At least when Mum was sickly, she was like, there. So, now we are pretty much left on our own. For real.

I wanted to keep a bone after we collected them from the crematorium but was unfortunately stopped by everyone, the Uncle who did the wake stuff, the temple person arranging my mum's remains, aunt etc. I seriously think my mum wouldn't have minded too much. I've asked her before sometime back and she said okay.

Mum wants me to be a neater person and less of a tornado on the loose. She also wants me to be less headstrong, less proud and to take care of my sister. And to put on my glasses all the time, or to wear contacts or do the whole Lasik thing. I have her recorded on audio tapes, so that's something.

My parents have led extremely difficult lives, and had edgy relationships with their individual families. I remember being very poor when I was much, much younger, and there wasn't anything we could do about that. I also remembered being treated unkindly or being ignored, and being acutely aware of it, and knowing that my parents felt all that I was feeling and were much saddened themselves. Who likes being treated differently, just because you are poor, and who likes to see their children being treated as such due to this.

I guess I turned out pretty okay. My parents gave me their all. I gave them a scare for the first six years I was around, 'coz I was forever coughing and wheezing like Raistlin Majere. I hacked away practically every night when I was older and cried all the time before that. Eventually Mum gave up a rather promising career in the army (or so she claimed) to take care of me full time before I reached one year old. Yeah, I'm pretty all right, maybe a little more proud, prickly, snobbish, condescending and sarcastic than people around me will prefer (milder and gentler not, please :) but I like it this way. I earned the right to be all these through sheer determination and hard work.

I have travelled a long distance to where I am, and I have seen my parents totally unhappy over thorny blood relations, so it's very hard for me to accept my extended families with smiles, when they have always been out. I can be cynical and say oh well, they see how great I am now and were sorry they failed to be nice to me vs oh, are they like guilty now, now that their daughter and son are all gone, leaving the granddaughters/nieces alone in this sick, sad world but I shall not. I don't know what actually happened (saved that nasty feeling of being looked down upon and treated like shit) that led to so much unhappiness and it no longer matters anyhow, since Mum and Dad are dead.

I will never forget and forgive, but I can reconcile, for my parents' sake. And hence, I did the very Asian thing of sitting at the round table for lunch after the trip to the crematorium. This was the elaborate meal and hence significant that my dad's side saved two places for my sis and I, trying to catch my eye and looking expectantly when they did. I hesitated and went to sit with them. They saved me a place beside the cousin, who's slightly older than me and we chatted about work, being both in the same industry. You'd go, what's the deal. Mind you, my cousin and I have not seen each other for seven years and what we spoke that day was more than the twenty odd years combined. I'm pretty sure my cousin was advised upon by all the aunts and uncles to "break the ice" through the younger generation. It wasn't as painful as I thought it could be, and my cousin's rather cool. We are all, now that we have grown up.

So eventually, PR was conducted in the most respectable manner and extended families were happy. I was relieved. And as proud as ever.

At the temple in which my parents' ashes were housed, I looked at the space beside Dad, now occupied by Mum and they residing side by side (complete with photos and they are such a good-looking couple together) and I'm like WTF. If there's such a thing as afterlife, truly so, I hope they are happy. Seeing them also makes me sad that there will be no Mum or Dad at my wedding, if I ever found someone worthy and brave enough to take me on. Bizarre. But that's always the thing that troubles me. My parents never seeing me married or having my own kids.

天上的星星不说话 地上的娃娃想妈妈
天上的眼睛眨呀眨 妈妈的心啊鲁冰花
家乡的茶园开满花 妈妈的心肝在天涯
夜夜想起妈妈的话 闪闪的泪光 鲁冰花