The Pathetic Low Self Esteem Day
Today has been an awful, awful day. Just Terrible.
It's A Low Self Esteem Day.
Low Self Esteem Days, by my definition, has absolutely nothing to do with questioning individual capabilities and talents. No sir, I never doubt that I'm that good. In fact, I insist I am.
Low Self Esteem Days, however, are brought upon by person or people around you who make suggestive remarks about your appearance (somewhat negative, but of course), causing you to feel like an unattractive cow as a result.
I don't know. How do you fight the feeling of feeling like an unattractive cow? It's not even funny, especially when it is insinuated that the lack is likely to hamper progress in a particular area you will love to engage in.
If you tell me, darling, lose weight and it'll be okay, I will believe you and still stay happy while actually doing something about it. Because it's true. I do need and want to be thinner, just to fit into the classic mould of a Singaporean woman, so that I don't stick out amidst other females who are incredibly slim and be considered so-called attractive in the slim kinda way.
Guys need to be tall and girls need to be slim. For life to be a little smoother. Period.
An ex(friend) most memorable(and possibly wisest) words to me, in not so exact terms:
You know, your hair and complexion are okay. Your personality is there. Why don't you just bloody hell lose weight? I'm sure life will change drastically and dramatically for you.
Another he, when I told him about it, supported such a view strongly. But then, he's always been very keen on my losing anything.
And I accepted all these. Because there is truth in those words and it does paint a flattering picture. There's an even more beautiful girl in me once those fats are shed!
But today, today was depressing. I wasn't even advised about doing anything to myself at all to up Chance and cheat Fate. It was merely implied they (referring to people who are not the people making these remarks that spoilt my entire day) are seeking people who are good-looking. Which implied I'm not one of them. How insulting. If effort is taken to pile the make-up and dress up, and even having the makeover shoot, I'm sure I'll loom over the competition, without tweaking, or tipping the scales either. Anyone can, come to think of it, with a wonderful make-up artist and with investment of time and money. Unless you are really hopeless.
I'm pleasant enough looking as pleasant can get, naturally ie as in by Nature. Definitely not plain. And I'm willing to make an effort to accomodate (just dun have any have designs on my hair literally, like dyeing/cutting it real short/and the dreadful, dreaded rebonding) and change a bit physically as my kind of compromise. But no, the person just said they probably looking for good-looking people (which I swear, cannot be true, because those who are in, are simple, and pleasant at most too).
I used to be insecure about the way I look when I was much, much younger. There was even a stint during which I was convinced I looked like a guy. It took quite a while then again after to believe that I'm really, really okay.
Hence, I'm pretty immune to certain comments since The Looker issue has been resolved long ago. But now and then, a remark that comes hurling, esp by 100% well-meaning and respected person who seems to feel I'm setting myself up for disappointment, hit the healed wounds, resulting in a crack, and then the crashing down of my shallow, shallow world.
Seeds of suspicion, when sown, only can grow, and never quite die.
It's The Pathetic Low Self Esteem Day, I'm afraid.
I look into the mirror and a cute person is staring wide-eyed at me.
I'm so sick. I shall lose weight and do a Jolin Tsai transformation into a super provocative thin slut.
Sigh.
I really loathe Low Self Esteem Days.
It's A Low Self Esteem Day.
Low Self Esteem Days, by my definition, has absolutely nothing to do with questioning individual capabilities and talents. No sir, I never doubt that I'm that good. In fact, I insist I am.
Low Self Esteem Days, however, are brought upon by person or people around you who make suggestive remarks about your appearance (somewhat negative, but of course), causing you to feel like an unattractive cow as a result.
I don't know. How do you fight the feeling of feeling like an unattractive cow? It's not even funny, especially when it is insinuated that the lack is likely to hamper progress in a particular area you will love to engage in.
If you tell me, darling, lose weight and it'll be okay, I will believe you and still stay happy while actually doing something about it. Because it's true. I do need and want to be thinner, just to fit into the classic mould of a Singaporean woman, so that I don't stick out amidst other females who are incredibly slim and be considered so-called attractive in the slim kinda way.
Guys need to be tall and girls need to be slim. For life to be a little smoother. Period.
An ex(friend) most memorable(and possibly wisest) words to me, in not so exact terms:
You know, your hair and complexion are okay. Your personality is there. Why don't you just bloody hell lose weight? I'm sure life will change drastically and dramatically for you.
Another he, when I told him about it, supported such a view strongly. But then, he's always been very keen on my losing anything.
And I accepted all these. Because there is truth in those words and it does paint a flattering picture. There's an even more beautiful girl in me once those fats are shed!
But today, today was depressing. I wasn't even advised about doing anything to myself at all to up Chance and cheat Fate. It was merely implied they (referring to people who are not the people making these remarks that spoilt my entire day) are seeking people who are good-looking. Which implied I'm not one of them. How insulting. If effort is taken to pile the make-up and dress up, and even having the makeover shoot, I'm sure I'll loom over the competition, without tweaking, or tipping the scales either. Anyone can, come to think of it, with a wonderful make-up artist and with investment of time and money. Unless you are really hopeless.
I'm pleasant enough looking as pleasant can get, naturally ie as in by Nature. Definitely not plain. And I'm willing to make an effort to accomodate (just dun have any have designs on my hair literally, like dyeing/cutting it real short/and the dreadful, dreaded rebonding) and change a bit physically as my kind of compromise. But no, the person just said they probably looking for good-looking people (which I swear, cannot be true, because those who are in, are simple, and pleasant at most too).
I used to be insecure about the way I look when I was much, much younger. There was even a stint during which I was convinced I looked like a guy. It took quite a while then again after to believe that I'm really, really okay.
Hence, I'm pretty immune to certain comments since The Looker issue has been resolved long ago. But now and then, a remark that comes hurling, esp by 100% well-meaning and respected person who seems to feel I'm setting myself up for disappointment, hit the healed wounds, resulting in a crack, and then the crashing down of my shallow, shallow world.
Seeds of suspicion, when sown, only can grow, and never quite die.
It's The Pathetic Low Self Esteem Day, I'm afraid.
I look into the mirror and a cute person is staring wide-eyed at me.
I'm so sick. I shall lose weight and do a Jolin Tsai transformation into a super provocative thin slut.
Sigh.
I really loathe Low Self Esteem Days.
6 Comments:
maybe if you really knew the person who made the suggestive remark you might realise they have an unattractive bf/gf that totally negates their opinion. sometimes standards of beauty are really quite arbitrary. people have thought that gong li and zhang ziyi were plain, but they were zhang yimou's muses.
doesn't matter how many detractors we have as long as the ones who matter think the world of us, right? this way or skinnier i like you (if men are reading this, i mean in a platonic way). but please don't become jolin tsai. yanzi is good, but jolin i don't like :<
ruth
*wails* But I'll never, ever be a yanzi!!! she's too thin, will take more than this lifetime to reach that kind of size. Jolin, still possible. And she's inspiring, you know. She was once heavily critiqued and looked where her sheer determination to be beautiful has taken her!
i shall be slim. if all my friends are reading this, pls make your own tiny contribution towards helping me attaining my goal for the coming year. stop me from doing anything bizarre that will hamper and be encouraging of every step taken in the happy direction.
Let's both start saving up for liposuction! *grin*
but all she did was augment her boobs!
ruth
I feel for you. i was once a tomboy whom nobody would take a second look at. Low self esteeem days aplenty. But since i made the effort to transform, hey, everyone wants to be my best friend. Its a shallow world.
i guess u have to ask yourself, what is it u really want, or rather, who u want to surround yourself with. Certain people will still find fault with u even after u lose weight. The problem is with them. Not u.
Thank you Anonymous and all who tagged.
I guess everything comes at a cost. Time and effort in exchange for something else.
Oh, how badly must we crave for something else in order to do something about it at all.
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