About Angelinesque Angst
Today, Angst (whatever that's unresolved from teenybopper years spilling over to miserable quarter life stage) bounced back in full force after a welcomed disappearance lasting the whole of six months.
Welcome back, Angst. When you are haunting me obsessively, causing me to brood and mull over Life, Love, Lust and Lack, I know I have too much time on my hands and to myself.
I knew something just has to be very wrong ( and yet so right in the familiar hey-I-recognise-this! way) when I found myself
(1) Willing the mobile to display an sms from someone
(2) literally shaking with disbelief and excitement when the mobile does pay obeisance to my will
(3) Not reading the message until at least half an hour has passed to convince myself I don't care
(4) discovering the message was sent by someone who was not the someone I thought that was
(5) experiencing relief and disappointment all at the same time immediately thereafter
(6) going through motions (1)-(5) unwaveringly for the past 6 hs or so.
And you'd think one gets wiser and most cynical with age. Hogwash. I believe we only get more excitable over the smallest of details as we aged. Anyhow, I'm glad to report my sudden emotive feelings have been somewhat sedated, by time and the excruciatingly meaningless wait that has more than diluted any regard and appreciation I may have for the Obviously-it's-not-going-to-happen-because-I-know-the-person-only-too-well-but-it-may-be-different-this-time-even-though-I'm-goddamn-sure-no-no-no.
Have chucked the mobile away in despair. That useless thing.
So, there you have it, pure proof that Angst is back, now that I'm zipping through Angelinesque meta theories and devising elaborate plans to test that A Person does care, especially, and making that same person think that I don't quite care especially. Maybe a bit, but not especially.
With much horror, I do acknowledge that now, I have no more valid reason to procrastinate in Life.
Start Living...Stop Thinking...When In Doubt, Sing & Shop...
Hence, the visit to KBox tomorrow and a bout of hopefully bountiful shopping.
They are showing Pay It Forward at 10pm today. That was a movie we watched in Cineleisure together with some friends. Incidentally, that was the last decent mainstream thing we did before we gave up altogether, and for what, I do not know now, and still.
But enough of fluff. Boo.
Addendum: The sms(es) came when I was watching Pay It Forward. Sheer coincedence or planned, but do we care. For the most brevity of moments, I was made to feel regretful at an impetuous act on my part. I have already done so, so. So, there's certainly no grounds to suggest even the possibility of it. It was Doubt and Guilt that were culpable of Play. But please, dwell no further, because it will only move most viciously and vacuously in a hateful circle. Anyway, I do wish to say too, that The Person fell asleep while we were watching the movie. It seems that mainstream things have that effect, in addition to crowd-inducing spasms of dizziness. That's probably one of the better reasons why we stopped at normalcy eventually.
Welcome back, Angst. When you are haunting me obsessively, causing me to brood and mull over Life, Love, Lust and Lack, I know I have too much time on my hands and to myself.
I knew something just has to be very wrong ( and yet so right in the familiar hey-I-recognise-this! way) when I found myself
(1) Willing the mobile to display an sms from someone
(2) literally shaking with disbelief and excitement when the mobile does pay obeisance to my will
(3) Not reading the message until at least half an hour has passed to convince myself I don't care
(4) discovering the message was sent by someone who was not the someone I thought that was
(5) experiencing relief and disappointment all at the same time immediately thereafter
(6) going through motions (1)-(5) unwaveringly for the past 6 hs or so.
And you'd think one gets wiser and most cynical with age. Hogwash. I believe we only get more excitable over the smallest of details as we aged. Anyhow, I'm glad to report my sudden emotive feelings have been somewhat sedated, by time and the excruciatingly meaningless wait that has more than diluted any regard and appreciation I may have for the Obviously-it's-not-going-to-happen-because-I-know-the-person-only-too-well-but-it-may-be-different-this-time-even-though-I'm-goddamn-sure-no-no-no.
Have chucked the mobile away in despair. That useless thing.
So, there you have it, pure proof that Angst is back, now that I'm zipping through Angelinesque meta theories and devising elaborate plans to test that A Person does care, especially, and making that same person think that I don't quite care especially. Maybe a bit, but not especially.
With much horror, I do acknowledge that now, I have no more valid reason to procrastinate in Life.
Start Living...Stop Thinking...When In Doubt, Sing & Shop...
Hence, the visit to KBox tomorrow and a bout of hopefully bountiful shopping.
They are showing Pay It Forward at 10pm today. That was a movie we watched in Cineleisure together with some friends. Incidentally, that was the last decent mainstream thing we did before we gave up altogether, and for what, I do not know now, and still.
But enough of fluff. Boo.
Addendum: The sms(es) came when I was watching Pay It Forward. Sheer coincedence or planned, but do we care. For the most brevity of moments, I was made to feel regretful at an impetuous act on my part. I have already done so, so. So, there's certainly no grounds to suggest even the possibility of it. It was Doubt and Guilt that were culpable of Play. But please, dwell no further, because it will only move most viciously and vacuously in a hateful circle. Anyway, I do wish to say too, that The Person fell asleep while we were watching the movie. It seems that mainstream things have that effect, in addition to crowd-inducing spasms of dizziness. That's probably one of the better reasons why we stopped at normalcy eventually.
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