Naohiro-san

I was suitably amused as I walked along Coleman Street last evening, when every single reasonably 1.8m tall and lean male clad in long sleeved shirt and black pants threatened to induce a heart attack as they make their way past me. Some memories just never falter while we simply fall out of it after a while.

*

If there ever existed a guy who first aroused the primal awareness of masculinity, it must have been Naohiro-san. Needless to say, this is a pseudonym to protect the dignity of this mock-confessional entry as I introduce this new person who re-entered my life recently as a result of the omnipotent Facebook.

I first knew Naohiro-san in college where we belonged to the same ecas as my then Best-Friend-Who-Was-Not-Ruth (BFWWNR). In those days, BFWWNR and I were happy, giggly, heady schoolgirls literally because we had our respective crushes to go gaga-crazy over: me on a senior and she on Naohiro-san. We would practically call each other everytime we had an “update” that went along the lines of “oh my God, I spotted him in the canteen today!!! *screams of ecstasy*. For example. Well, you must remember we were not in the same class then and can only have our distant orgasms through chanced encounters and lecture theatres and staged meetings (eg. waiting at the bus-stops). We were young then lah, and still very shy.

But I have digressed too much. Anyway, in my first year, I didn’t think very well of Naohiro-san because he is too reticent and reserved to the extent that I actually believed he’s slow-witted and dull (then again, it’s not like our paths crossed very often). Well, not that my own crush fared much better in terms of personality but he was cute enough for me to overlook the non-existent virtues (Ha, I bet So and So is reading this right now and wondering if he used to be the object of my unquestioning adoration. Dare to ask me in person and I will tell you).

Anyway, I somehow got to know Naohiro-san better in my second year through camps and more banners-in-the-making. He was hilarious, when he wants to be and while I did not harbour incestuous thoughts towards my friend’s crush, I did notice that woah, 身材很棒哦! It was probably then that the inchoate attraction to veins semi-bulging from a tanned muscular arm started to burgeon (no pun intended).

By then my crush had graduated and I became a lot more focused on my studies and ECAs. I paired with Naohiro-san quite often in the camps (dun ask me – we were assigned to be a team) and it was during one of the kids’ camp that I found him truly quite attractive in the way he interacted with the children and eeeks, I turned red when we had to hold hands for a game. The kids being kids, kept pestering whether we were together (is she your girlfriend? Is he your boyfriend?). To our credit, we refused to dignify the questions with an answer.

Fast forwarding, college being college, you get easily dogged by ridiculously spurious rumours from nothing. One fine Friday evening, Naohiro-san was seen walking me to the library by his classmates before we set off for our weekly astronomy session and argh, the next thing I heard, is the alarming newsflash of who likes who and is dating. All these point to, really, is that Naohiro-san never goes to the library and is never seen with a girl. *rolls eyes*

Anyway, BFWWNR got wind of it and was upset. I was upset that she was upset. Naohiro-san did the typical guy thing under this weird circumstance ( he definitely knew BFWWNR likes him) – stay away from all gatherings, stray away from our gang and be a nomad. And I was upset that Naohiro-san responded in the way he did which I feel was highly inappropriate. For one thing, BFWWNR never got to see him again in the most tangential of circumstances and I felt it was my fault, somehow. BFWWNR and I quietly drifted apart when we went to university.

10 years later, we are all meeting again, the three of us, and the rest of the astronomy gang, thanks to Facebook. I still have lovely memories of starry skies, suppers and late night stoning sessions on the rooftop. Meanwhile, Naohiro-san and I have started chatting on msn and filling each other on the gaping years. He comes across as more outgoing and open, asking all the right questions at the right time to keep the conversation going. So I hope this means he’s not going to flee at boh liao things now that we are grown-ups. I also hope he doesn’t remember the very brief and odd period in college.

Anyway, as Naohiro-san’s representation on Facebook has been a question mark so far, I wondered aloud to the organiser of the gathering if this means he has become fat . In private, I wonder if he has become less buffed. After all, he used to be the epitome of manhood in the naivety of my girlhood. How can my ideal just let himself go!

*

Extract from yesterday’s msn:

Me: Are you attending the gathering?

Naohiro-san: Yes, I am. Are you?

Me: Of course. Can’t wait to see everyone again. (then as an afterthought, I decided to sneak in slyly) Have you changed much?

Naohiro-san: Yah, I have grown fat. Very, very fat.

Me: *mind in a blank and wondering how to respond now that the unthinkable has happened*

Naohiro-san: You think I become fat right? Hahaha

Me: Er…I never say it to your face leah

Naohiro-san: XXX told me you were speculating because of the question mark on Facebook. I never put up pictures ‘cos I’m seldom on Facebook and I dun have many pictures of myself lah.

*

Orh. I see. But it still invites speculation on whether he has maintained the 很棒身材 what. Guess I have to go to the gathering to find out.

And I bumped into BFWWNR today while out shopping with Ruth.

Happy, It's So Nice To Be Happy

The ability to be naturally, effortlessly, blithely blasé when I am with someone I like is a curse.

And I hate how I forget to flirt.

He: Are you like online now? Or am I talking to a figment of my imagination?

TYS Model Answer: “Do I appear in your imagination that often?” or “I didn’t know you think about me so frequently that you can’t differentiate when I’m real anymore!” and their various forms are all perfectly acceptable.

And me, damn, I had to pull a boring statement like “I am online”. By golly, how can he tell that I think he is cute!!

Okay, that was Mr Dimples in the leading man role. But it suffices to perk me up and make me forget he could possibly be taken. Mahjong at his place confirmed in the first week of February. Well, at least I get to see his family and room before the erm, potential girlfriend does? Yay, cheap thrill, I know.

*

But even discounting the various encounters with Mr Dimples, for some reason, I’m really happy this week. Could be that everyday is a good hair day. Could be that my CNY clothes are gorgeous. Could be watching Jay Chou in concert. Could be I started my runs again. Could be Huixin’s belated present for me. But it’s most attributable to my fledging song-writing career. After pointedly ignoring the last three demos my shifu sent me because I was busy/uninspired/lazy/tired, I decide that I would write each and every demo that comes my way in 2008. And I was glad to write a sweet and romantic one in under 5 hours yesterday that’s very unlike my usual style. Safe and simple and sweet is good to earn commercial stripes first. No Magnum Opus complex that results in complex stories choking the tune. I have successfully exorcised the 理直气壮ness that seemed to permeate my earlier works. So whee, it does mean I’m finally over you-know-who. In fact, I’m surprised at my own response towards Mr Dimples’ (that is unknown to Mr Dimples himself) confession of “seeing someone else” and I can only conclude from this that you-know-who is really not on the radar, unless I’m trying to stir up pseudo feelings for a story and a song. Anyway, I attended a talk cum small showcase today by Soler, with shifu and her song-writing soulmate (Eric Ng lah) supporting them. And I felt hopeful and re-inspired.

In other news, I’m signing up for a night marathon. 42km starting from 12 midnight onwards. I think I can, because there’s no sun, and that's so not a non-sequitur. Nevermind I have only ran 10km officially in <>

TLC DIY Style

Misery and depression almost ruined a perfectly good Saturday. Woke up feeling down. Spent half a day moping and thinking in contemptuous circles. Still, I managed to go for my routine check-up at the dentist so not all time was frittered away.

Like I told Shimin when we met for Beauty World last night, you ask me what I want to do? May I just slump into a dark, quiet corner and be sorry for myself? But I have an image to upkeep so it wasn’t long before I was smiley again. Beauty World made it easy, because it was actually entertaining (then again, I did watch it with no expectations), even if the ending was too abrupt.

Woke up today determined to be happy. So I went for a hair spa with April at my favourite taitai place to relax my hair, reinvigorate my mind and rest my heart. I am in dire need of TLC in 2008 so I signed a hair package with them and felt more cheerful right after that. I’m an independent, charming woman who is perfectly capable of loving herself and paying her way through the better things in life.

Then I am home, at peace, at ease, and then I logged on, to see an email from Mr Dimples setting up February for mahjong at his place. Yeah, he heard from our mutual friend I just learnt the game on my birthday and he is keen for me to pay tuition fees for more intense and ruthless play.

Well. I'm an independent, charming woman who is perfectly capable of staying just good friends with an eligible, attractive man.

@Jones The Grocer

Who needs a boyfriend when you have guys organising a birthday celebration for you, who are quietly suffering the indignity of driving from East to West and back and simply going along with what they think makes you happy??? Oh Mr Dimples, you are probably better off as my platonic friend!! Boo to you. Yay to the men who love me.


Anyway, we went to Jones The Grocer. Sadly, we forgot to do time-keeping and by the time we remembered to order desserts, well the kitchen was closed!




Salmon. Which I dun like. Whic was not ordered by yours truly, obviously.



My tenderloin, which I wasn't very impressed with, having just eaten a very good version from Mezza9 @Grand Hyatt.



Boring. Din even take a nibble from here.



Apparently the driver had some pockets of free time and he shopped at ToysRus in Tampines a present for me. You wun believe his choice. It was more of something he likes, being a tribute to his own childhood. He was appalled that I have never heard of it, much less played before. I will not dignify his choice by telling you what game it is. Suffice to say it is suitable for ages 6 and above.



Attempting to set it up.




The most eager, enthusiastic beaver.



Oops, missed out on the starters. Cheese platter is good.



I love the one on the left more. He braved the cold strong winds in Taiwan on his own to buy me books from Taiwan from that famous bookstore that he hopes will inspire my songwriting. You know I'm a sucker for initiative, originality and efforts. The one on the right helped to dilute costs for the other two: that's his main contribution. Heh.


]
He din tell me he was based in Changi the night we were heading for Dempsey and he drove all the way in the rain to Commonwealth to pick us up (and we were all staying in the East!) after work. He wins the martyr award and another for selecting the strangest present I have ever received.


Once again, with feeling.



Once again, with mock feelings (sorry, insiders' joke for readers in the know). Hey, I just noticed we are very the colour coordinated. But why would that matter.

It has been a good night and I must start loving myself even more henceforth.

Moving On

2008 is turning out to be super efficient in terms of fulfilled resolutions, renewed resolve and achievable aspirations. With the passing of tonight, I learnt from the horse’s mouth itself that he has been seeing someone for several weeks now, to the extent of spending new year’s eve with her and I guess that’s the best outcome for me to stop the occasional wondering of if-it’s-ever-going-to-happen in moments of frivolity and boredom. Never mind they have yet to hit official status because he hasn’t popped the question. It would, of course, be nice to have someone to project all these romantic thoughts, lyrics of pop songs etc on. Still, I have to wean myself off him because this is something I want to see myself succeeding, in order to find someone I really like instead of having the imagination working overtime just because: someone is readily available, whose company I enjoy greatly and has sent out signals that he likes me too in ways that are more than friendly.

If you are wondering, had he asked me, I would have considered favourably but the fact remains he still hasn’t, so far, and I have decided in 2008 that I would get the potentiality of it out of my system, to which he has helped me, tonight.

Yeah, the notion whether he is just saying it to test my reaction did flash past. But hey, this is a bloody engineer we have here. I don’t think there’re all these complications and complexities as opposed to when it is me uttering the same things.

*

I don’t think I have a very healthy stance towards relationships in general. With each projection comes the displacement from one party to another (because of my determination not to like another in the romantic way until I’m sure that he does like me in that way) until this auto self-defense mechanism completely misleads me. I do fully intend to confuse myself, mind you, so that I will never sink so deep as to feel sorrow, wistfulness and betrayal if my affections are not reciprocated. I was convinced it was a smart move. But in protecting my heart, perhaps I have been blinded to who my knight is, and confounded some with my restless streak, stubbornness and inability to be vulnerable ie honest.

I hope to be more sincere and open and vulnerable and emotionally available. Quit my ridiculous addiction to testing and manipulating people to suit my vanity and bewildering them in turn to end up fanning out very confused thoughts over me.

So bye-bye Mr Dimples, we can still be the good friends we are, 虽然和你独处的时候还是存在怪怪的感觉 – and I must confess I haven’t seen this coming, that he’s seeing the friend of his friend all these while. I’m sorry we didn’t work out. There was a time I really thought we have something good going on.

可能的可以的
真的可惜了
幸福好不容易
怎么你却不敢了呢

风筝有风
海豚有海
我存在 在 我的存在
所以明白所以离开
所以不再为爱而爱
自己存在 在你 之外

Hey 2008, Bye 2007

5 days has passed since 2008 and I’m happy that they have been well spent. Saying goodbye to the last of 2007 with the DBF in Via Mar @Esplanade, making resolutions, toasting with Sangria, put the two of us in such excellent spirits that night that we forgave even the atrocious buffet spread. In less than 12 hours later (still on the first day), we met again, with Shimin joining us to zip around Singapore looking for the hawker fare that he missed. At one point, it was surreal that we da-bao and settled comfortably in the deserted corridors next to NUS business canteen to tuck in.

It was with some wistfulness that I discover the law faculty and library have been replaced by some graduate computer studies programme while seeking out the toilet. But it was a new year and there was no room for old memories, what more memories that have been officially destroyed in all its tangibility. Is there any use (and point) to be the only one sanctioning the past via remembering feebly, with the feeling already so grossly distorted by absence? The question is no longer where are you, as I stared at my reflection in the mirror, but where am I. Here, and without you, but it has always been my presence that matters, hasn’t it.

The birthday saw an unusually high volume of sms-es received from people I din even know they know, which is living testimony to how helpful and penetrative Facebook is. But this year was special, because I spent with Sherry and her husband. It was warm, fuzzy, kind and familiar, very homely and comfortable and in a way, traditional: good seafood, great company, with a Hello Kitty cake thrown in for good measure, rounded up by mahjong at their place till 3am. It was The Simple Life that I wrote about before, and I feel, with apprehension, that it is becoming increasingly attractive when I am happy. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Am I getting domesticated against my will? Never. I shall persevere to make 2008 more thrilling than 2007.

For 2008’s reference in order to surpass and transcend, I present my Top 10 Accomplishments in 2007!

In no particular order

1. Signing up for a songwriting course under lyricist Xiaohan in FM (Sadly I had to miss the last three lessons due to work). No regrets here. I learnt a lot and now it's up to me to take this further.

2. Signing up for driving lessons. Well, it was only a 10 lesson package I bought and upon completion, I stopped because I wanted the time to do some other things. I plan to continue with the lessons in 2008 and get that license.

3. Going to Tokyo. I was finally seeing the world!

4. Going to Hong Kong. I was finally seeing the world!

5. Finding the heart and courage to make up with Best Friend

6. Finding Deputy Best Friend

7. Putting myself out on the market and going for job interviews to suss out my market value, gain momentum/practice. I have been lapsing since October. Time to start a new search. Time to update resume.

8. Completed 3 runs: 5km Shape, 5km Run For Hope and 10km Great Eastern Women's Run. Time to start running regularly again.

9. Seeing my baby sis getting her dream job. Very, very proud of her.

10. Not exactly an achievement but an experience. A thrilling table story to tell when normal conversation gets boring: being robbed in JB while in Mr Dimples' car with two other male friends (I know, like wtf) and feeling a rich plethora of strong, stormy emotions that eventually subsided after I told Mr Dimples he sucked big time.