Moving On

2008 is turning out to be super efficient in terms of fulfilled resolutions, renewed resolve and achievable aspirations. With the passing of tonight, I learnt from the horse’s mouth itself that he has been seeing someone for several weeks now, to the extent of spending new year’s eve with her and I guess that’s the best outcome for me to stop the occasional wondering of if-it’s-ever-going-to-happen in moments of frivolity and boredom. Never mind they have yet to hit official status because he hasn’t popped the question. It would, of course, be nice to have someone to project all these romantic thoughts, lyrics of pop songs etc on. Still, I have to wean myself off him because this is something I want to see myself succeeding, in order to find someone I really like instead of having the imagination working overtime just because: someone is readily available, whose company I enjoy greatly and has sent out signals that he likes me too in ways that are more than friendly.

If you are wondering, had he asked me, I would have considered favourably but the fact remains he still hasn’t, so far, and I have decided in 2008 that I would get the potentiality of it out of my system, to which he has helped me, tonight.

Yeah, the notion whether he is just saying it to test my reaction did flash past. But hey, this is a bloody engineer we have here. I don’t think there’re all these complications and complexities as opposed to when it is me uttering the same things.

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I don’t think I have a very healthy stance towards relationships in general. With each projection comes the displacement from one party to another (because of my determination not to like another in the romantic way until I’m sure that he does like me in that way) until this auto self-defense mechanism completely misleads me. I do fully intend to confuse myself, mind you, so that I will never sink so deep as to feel sorrow, wistfulness and betrayal if my affections are not reciprocated. I was convinced it was a smart move. But in protecting my heart, perhaps I have been blinded to who my knight is, and confounded some with my restless streak, stubbornness and inability to be vulnerable ie honest.

I hope to be more sincere and open and vulnerable and emotionally available. Quit my ridiculous addiction to testing and manipulating people to suit my vanity and bewildering them in turn to end up fanning out very confused thoughts over me.

So bye-bye Mr Dimples, we can still be the good friends we are, 虽然和你独处的时候还是存在怪怪的感觉 – and I must confess I haven’t seen this coming, that he’s seeing the friend of his friend all these while. I’m sorry we didn’t work out. There was a time I really thought we have something good going on.

可能的可以的
真的可惜了
幸福好不容易
怎么你却不敢了呢

风筝有风
海豚有海
我存在 在 我的存在
所以明白所以离开
所以不再为爱而爱
自己存在 在你 之外