The Affair in Malaysia

Yes, I just returned from Malaysia with him :)

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He was particularly frisky today. Having succinctly and mysteriously instructed me to meet him at 1130hs at Tanjong Pagar MRT and period (as usual), I was naturally alarmed to read his sms when I was one stop away:

Did you bring your passport? We're eating in Malaysia.

Of course not! What do you mean did I bring my passport? Did you tell me we are going to Malaysia? Now what...

Nevermind, can sneak you in illegally...

When we finally crossed paths again (after 4 weeks of abstinence and phonecalls and sms-es don't quite factor), I couldn't help but notice we were totally colour-coordinated albeit grubbily and shabbily dressed (as usual x2) without meaning to. That's cool.

I looked up at him and demanded if he's serious that we are going to Malaysia. And he said yes. I poked his butt pockets but I didn't feel any bulge that's suggestive of a passport. Do you mean we are going to a food stall called Malaysia when you said we are going to Malaysia, I asked suspiciously. Nope, he was adamant that we are going to go Somewhere Truly Asia. Well, whatever you say.

He: I will be seeing you next Sat in court. You'll be my first official case.

Me: Huh?

He: For illegally sneaking into Malaysia, I shall have to prosecute you.

Me: Hello. You are both the mastermind and accomplice okay.

Needless to say, I was much cheered and excited. All this culminated (or collapsed) into helpless laughter when he led me to Tanjong Pagar Railway Station and motioned me to cross a small path before him.

You are in Malaysia now.

Chey. Well. It was good while it lasted. Apologies to sending excitable sms-es to some friends about the pseudo getaway and getting them all fired up too. We didn't really go to Malaysia, but we were alone in a place that feels like Malaysia and that was nice.

Food was nothing to rave about, but I appreciate his efforts to create an illusion and it was most funny. Classic line: Ignore the flies - they are part of the whole picture that is Malaysia - this is kampong at its best.

Most of the stalls were unfortunately closed when we visited (it does feel like a getaway!). And he was disappointed. But he raised his eyebrows when I played along and casually, innocently suggested: What about visiting other Malaysian islands like the nearby Langkawi *pointing to the direction of Chinatown* and he replied firmly no, we are staying put. Heh. Well, food aside, his reticence is receding and I hope it continues.

He voluntarily told me about his Japan trip, drawing on my obsession with anything Japanese and expressed shock and amazement at my so-called lack of knowledge of the culture ie which to him, simply means political climate and history, as far as I can tell. I learn the language, not the culture, and I will read up when I am actually going. My specialisation are in other areas, I reminded. Anyway I'm sure you will get lost in Japan by yourself, he retorted. With that, he flaunted how he managed to trek along, and keeping to a budget of just $700 in 9 days.

I spent only 5 nights in a bed. I'm sure you can't have survived. That's not a fair statement. Are you making it with reference that's peculiar to me - did you have female companions on your trip that could survive? If it's all guys, I don't see how you could have concluded that for me. And with that, I was informed it was an all male trip (whee!)

I'm glad he didn't go to Hokkaido. I want to go there so much. I shall do my best to cover there before he does. Anyhow, lotsa stories, that I wasn't sure if he's just being frisking and teasing and if, there's any gram of truth in there at all.

One of the weirdest moments of the day came when he came the closest to expressing physical insecurities. He feels he's thin (either that or he's under the impression I like muscular guys, which is not entirely true?) and he's been trying to pile on the kilos. But it was A Moment of Surreal-ness when he said his legs look okay but his arms were too thin. Now we were sitting on these very old old-school benches and from my angle I could see his legs (or I was meant to see them) and then, those arms with veins (yay, veins!!). The legs were okay. But I will very much rave about his arms, thank you very much. And it was Another Moment of Surreal-ness when I found myself saying everything looks okay to me and his veins are looking pretty good.

While I find myself consoling him, he's equally determined to pelt me minders about my weight. For the umpteenth time, he challenged me to disclose my weight. I said WTF, I'm definitely still weighing less than you k. Why are you so fascinated by my weight? Weird obsession. He just remarked a non-sequitur: You are the one obsessed - you don't say anything about it!!!

Which is not true. I say it all the time, just not to him. Boo.

Today went better than I dare hope and we left each other with him saying he is serious about coaching me in Current Affairs if I'm serious about learning, when I asked if I'm serious about asking him to give me a crash course, will he be serious to take me up on it.

It's back to worrying about nasty things like careers and directions. I need to brush up on Current Affairs. Like Who is Who and the hard, hard facts. No more theoretical analyses and hypotheses that are socio-political and linked more to Life and People. I need to know names and background, badly. And I'm glad he's superb in this area.

How can Tomorrow beat Today? Oops. Thou shalt not apply unnecessary comparisons.

我猜中你的心 也差一点距离
遥远的距离都是因为太过聪明

The Trainer (Or - 还有别的办法吗)

After talking to him last night, I was determined (and convinced) that I can pull off as a tour guide, taking 5 visitors from East to Chinatown via MRT. So, that's settled. I shall DYI and congratulate myself at the end of it.

You can do it. The bus-stop is in front of the hotel. I have brought you there before.

Uh huh. Well, thanks for the vote of confidence and for stirring up the stubborn streak of pride. Of course I can do it.

So thank you, and I'm happy that I can release you from the promise entirely. We are free, yippee! Nevermind the injured principles.

Still I need to check out Chinatown, probably on Sunday and the hotel itself.

*

Going to a farewell gathering later. Another leaving the country. Why? I don't understand.

*

Will be able to meet him on Sunday, since the gathering has been brought forward to today. We'll probably do a quick one, since he knows I'm tired, and I know he's starting work in a new environment for good on Tue, and needs the mental preparation. I suspect this will take place in the late morning, so that frees the rest of the day to explore Chinatown in the name of work. I will most likely be going alone - but if you want to accompany me, let me know.

I hope he doesn't upset or distress me too much, since it's my last precious weekend free (henceforth I will be spending most days and weekends doing the shows - even my eve is spent in studios, all the way after countdown and stuff) and I just want to be happy. Unfortunately, he also reminded me it's his last weekend, equally precious. Whatever.

Anyway even if he ruins my emotional health, I hope it gets perked up on Monday night with another, and then another. I can't think of why I won't be, since deep dimples, as I've confessed, are beginning to have similar effects on me akin to prominent veins.

In any case, as with the trouble with Murphy's men (what will go wrong will go wrong), when I'm still less than ideal happy, there's always throwing myself into work and burying myself as another alternative.

Cultivating a desire to fob off another desire. Through which, you wean yourself off any scarily strong attachment to anyone. Is this brilliant or brainless?

还有别的办法吗?

The Trouble With Men Is

Men just have the oddest possible sense of timing. Dreadful. And I say that with less affection than exasperation. Friends or lovers, they somehow manage to hit on you at the most harried period of your life.

Because you never quite know (apart from intuitively) where you stand with new and wonderful people you met, you conduct yourself with dignity, straining the desire to approach unless offered a more discernible clue as to how they see you. You are cute and fun, but reserved in between the going out.

Today I received a msg I would have been very pleased to read should it come in one month ago, since I was on leave. To be fair, he din know that but still - He could have suggested something sooner, couldn't he. *rolls eyes* So my friend asked if I wanted to attend a talk by NCSS. He and the other guy friend will be going.

With deadlines pending and busily plotting how to manage the next week's craziness and week after, I haven't had the chance to reply.

I have been involved in SS, in a way since JC and lapsed. So it can be potentially fruitful, given it's something familiar I do enjoy. Have been half-heartedly toying with the idea of volunteering for quite some time but feeling too inert to do anything more concrete. Now that I have real interested (and interesting) company willing to check it out together, why not.

Why not - 'cos next week is insane. Trust me on my schedule (which I have to plan 3 mall events sortie and be there over the weekend)

I'll just mull a bit longer on this

*

Hypothetical questions are always replete with The Real, agree not?

They are never just hypothetical but mean exactly what you yearn to know. Under the guise of an hypothesis, you get to test it out and have the satisfaction of talking about it and pretend it's not what you mean at all and only a question with the assumption it's really not true.

You get to force a person to confront it and demand for closure (or starting something) all in the name of Hypotheses. Whatever you ask, however you answer, it will be safe.

What will you do?

What will you do?

I will think about it, I said.

Sometimes it may not be a good idea to talk too much, it seems a tad different and difficult now. But I'm cool, as usual. I think he's the one who's being gritty over it. Why can't we pretend everything is ok since everything is ok. Maybe it's me.

Overreacting vs Living in Denial - which is the lesser evil.

Addendum: Turned out I said I should think I could go. If last min work commitments should delay me, will let him know again. Not very wise, but then life is very confusing and dull. And just to further pad out how horrid men are with their lousy sense of time, my usual companion has replied (to an sms I sent on Monday due to a desire for distraction to fob off a newer desire) and sent his apologies for the silence since he's out of the jurisdiction then and just returned. WTF. Uh-huh, now what. No Time, Stupid Men.

The Psychoanalyst

In a nutshell, I could believe I finally met another who asks all the right questions, and who casts all too knowing looks, whose words are all heavy with meaning and who pays full attention to my quirks and neuroses, just like someone else did, all too long ago. That I’m provocative enough to produce desire for analysis is a huge aphrodisiac in itself.

I fear I think too much. But the person in question, demanded to know why not, why can’t something simple be read as more.

It’s a sense of déjà vu that I’m not sure if I’m keen to relive. What if he concludes likewise after the analysis of me. But that should be the least of my problems.

We are much older. He’s much older. But we are not wise, not yet. And I’m less worldly than I like to pretend. False maturity is dangerous. So is confusion and loneliness.

And today, I was at Vansh. Indian cuisine. We had Indian cuisine mostly. And that added to my misgivings.

(Yes, I’m determined to jinx this by posting an entry on it. It has to be jinxed.)

我活着的目的就是活得鲜明

很好奇 还有谁等着闯进我日记
欢迎光临 亲爱的 请享用我的感情

This week hasn't been fantastic but I'm surviving.

Monday comes with the news that it doesn't work out there and that's when I start thinking hard and fast about my next 5 years and where I want to be in life.

It's difficult living when you are used to being proud and accomplished (and thinking that you are) and would do anything to keep up the illusion for yourself. I can't bear it otherwise. Even though everyday is a lesson in mediocrity. A most painful reminder. It also hurts a bit that what you have always prided yourself as, is apparently, not as apparent to others. Either you are in denial, or they will not see it. The question is, do I continue pushing it quietly through other venues, or attempt something else.

爱或伤害都欢呼都是活过的证据

Tuesday sees me succumbing entirely to the ambiguous attractiveness to a pint of Hoegarden. Considering that my average intake is about 30ml, I'm drinking more than 10 times the usual. It must be the mature company - the goth chick who is really a struggling artist but working as a graphic designer in real life and an ex-commando officer (for 10 years) who is a artist but harks back to romantic Chineseness and Orientalism.

Older woman, older man - the combination suffices to ignite and combust the bitterness (and worthlessness)haunting me for the past 24 hs. And so I burn purposefully and am happy for a while. It helps that the Hoegarden tastes friendly and we toast and cheer at every available moment. All too anxious to capture that fleeting sense of the indescribable when together; all too eager to share the past we were not privvy to; all too nostalgic at the could-be, may-be and should have been. How do I not relive those stories. The sense of deja-vu, that I'm making the same mistakes, that I will be, with eyes wide and open and all too seeing, with regrets that are not regretful, with guilt to no one but myself - I like it that I care too much and not enough to bother.

Felt hot and sleepy and puke-y when I downed everything completely. Is that the drunken feeling? What a terrible one.

痛快去爱痛快去痛
痛快去悲伤痛快去感动
生命给了什么我就享受什么
每颗人间烟火全都不要错过
痛快去感受

Wednesday takes me visiting. Went to meet the lawyer and saw the friend removed too. Jonathan will be helping out. Both men looks extremely affable and we talked well, even cutting into topics off territory. Which means, yes, I started thinking about being a lawyer yet again in a if-only way. Jonathan asked the most innocuous questions about his friend and I ie are you classmates (er, no?); oh, then how did you know each other (a vacuous and rather irrelevant "NUS" trailing off) and I was saved by the lawyer in charge returning to the room. I was also whisked off to Brewerkz and drank 10ml of the alchoholic.

Thursday has me, after a bout of pensive contemplation, deciding to sink myself together with a perceived sinking ship as the alternative (see Monday in same entry). The very least, I consoled, I get to see myself in tangible ways and build a mock profile, albeit a rather terrible one. With that, I called Someone Very High Up and Important to ask if he could arrange something to that effect. The Someone alarmed me by revealing that I could cause a lot of distress and unhappiness to Monday and Thursday and in the end, do good to no one and harm myself most of all. In a way, I was more or less coaxed and coerced into believing the dice thrown and stone cast can bear no reviewing, not at the moment. I must tread carefully and dance the delicate.

The answer to nothing and nothingness is: I will survive.

痛快迎接痛快等候
痛快去试探痛快去触碰
生命安排什么我就感谢什么
每颗人间烟火全都美丽了我

Confessions & Accomplishments

I fell asleep during 地下铁 and so I will never know the ending.

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I bought SK-II products on Saturday. Girlfriends are bad 'coz they are eternally encouraging. Still, it was a bargain.

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If I had come home just that bit later that night, I will have missed a Very Important Phonecall.

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It is equally gratifying, my dear, to know I'm in your thoughts when things happen.

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When comes to the crux, I'm a very 念旧 person. Having history helps, a great deal. Good history.

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Silence is never a good way to respond to someone's stories. Asking the appropriate questions (just die trying) is always the way to go. Saying and sharing something - No one wants only a listening ear. Serious. Trust me on this one. If you can only be quiet, at least have the courtesy to tell and someone will turn to another instead. Don't waste others' breath and time. Above all, don't waste mine.

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I don't understand why some people fail to recognise how un-lovable they are. Sure, be yourself, but don't come running to me and ask for love. I can't love you the way you are. It's not the first time I'm telling you this and it's not the first time you have pissed me off big time. Think before you speak. Think again and think harder. Life is too short to hang out with un-lovable people.

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Very busy week ahead again. May have to work on Friday :(

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Seeing Peiyun on Saturday.

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Not going to the gym at all for the past week.

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Finding a gym/sports buddy in Meihui. Restarting the gym routine asap.

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Getting a really pretty pair of earrings (Paua shell-ed) from April. She bought them from New Zealand. Meihui has also committed herself to getting earrings for me when she flies to New Zealand in Feb. Meihui: Now that I have blogged about it, you must!

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Meihui pierced her ears!!! Partly thanks to me *smirks* A most excellent decision.

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Learning of another's decision to leave Singapore for some years.

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Is this pretty or what. Should I.

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Addendum: Seriously, am I the only person in Singapore who has yet to catch Kung Fu? Nobody to watch with me 'coz everyone has watched it! Confess, who else had not!

The lawyer he told me to call is at least one friend removed. It's at least a friend's friend.

假如 I'm Just That Into You

While waiting for Best Friend (still Ruth :), I browsed through various selections in MPH at Raffles City, and managed to speed read through the entire He's Just Not That Into You.

The book advocates mainly

(1) Never to call a guy first, or bother to initiate/plot deviously whatever because *obviously* if he likes me so much, he will hunt me down. Do not make excuses or justify on his behalf. Any sub-performance should not be tolerated and must be read as "He's Just Not That Into Me". Just wait to be hunted and I'll be happier (no longer fretting over when he'll ask me out or call, since people really that into me will purportedly be doing all that and save me from my own obsessions and analyses).

(2) Consider my circumstance as the average rule instead of the exception. I may be exceptional but not the exception, is the mantra. Pessimism is healthy and welcomed in this case. Yes, the book is right. He's doing/saying all these (and not), simply because *repeat after me* - He's Just Not That Into You! Not as much as you'd rather.

Critical Qns: If I'm just that into you (meaning a little), may I flirt and tease with no strings attached? The girls that buy into the saying, are they that into their lovers as well? Or giving up and settling for less? Does the saying apply elsewhere ie in the Asian context, with our shyness and repressions? Can guys truly forget how tired they could be if sex is dangled before them, if they really like you? How does this work in platonic relationships? Can the saying be adapted and applied to same sex friendships? If my friends are that into me, then shouldn't I be expecting a particular sort of behaviour? If he's just not that into me, but that is only a little falling sort, why must I ruin the whole relationship and quibble over that, especially when I never see that as an issue before. What about role reversal - HAS THAT BEEN TAKEN INTO CONSIDERATION? I'm pretty sure I belong to the category of "even if very, very into you, also won't do anything." I sure as hell won't be making moves unless I sense the liking. And even those moves, if any, are subtle and safe and subdued, to retain dignity and mystery. I used to like tactical and complicated mind games better than cutting to the chase. More pleasurable, more thrilling, more meaningful. The more difficult, the more worthy and deserving. If I can be like that, it makes sense that some guys fall into this category too. *Disclaimer* But over the years, I have learnt to appreciate and yearn for simpler and straightforward relationships.

假如 时光到流 我能做什么
找你没说的却想要的
假如 我不放手 你多年以后
会怪我恨我或感动

The book is only helpful if you are ready to move on and in a seriously dead end relationship. It's irrelevant to me, because I'm in a stable friendship-py kinda relationship. Eccentric, weird, inexplicable...strictly speaking, but lawful by any account. I'm not leaving because he's a good friend. Not the prince, but he is my knight, you know, as the below proves.

I got unpleasant news from the agent. All claims need a will and a probate. The latter being something I have to formally engage a lawyer to pen.

At times like this, I wish I had gone to law school.

I thought of running to him, but I din want to seem needy, much less looking for a reason to approach him. Silly, I know. Why so uptight for a friend?

After trying a couple of means, I finally caved in and did the thing I should have done all along first. Tell him about it. Like duh.

He called and he will look into it and give me a person next day at a reasonable price. So he did.

It will probably be 1K plus (my agent quoted 3K and another finance friend said 2-3K is the norm for an uncomplicated case).

I'm not sure if he went through a lot of trouble. He has said his firm doesn't do probates yesterday and his friends are also all in the bigger firms whose portfolios don't cover this...plus the guy he told me to call isn't a personal friend either and so it's all very mysterious, and he refused to say more on how he got hold of him and I only squeaked out a rather lame thank-you.
He said to call the guy for a FOC initial interview/consultation and if I not happy, can walk out and let him know.

Everytime I make a firm resolution to cease contact and opt for a safe distance between us, things will have to happen to make me go to him. This has been proven so over and over again that I shall have to accept him as the knight. Maybe the role of prince will have to go to someone else.

If I leave it as that, does that mean I'm just not that into him?

It takes two to create the tremor and only one to grow the tumor.

假如 真可以让时光到流 你会做什么
一样选择我或不抱我
假如 温柔放手你是否懂得
走错了可以再回头

When Bored Meets Boring

As predicted, this week has been nothing short of insane, so far. I have to contact the media and arrange for interviews, request for coverage, check that we are really in the listings, get the mags in and archive the releases - PR in short. I got slightly ill from trying not to choke when senior press members (thank goodness it's a couple, but still) talked down and explained why it is impossible to alert me at all if they should do a write-up - we are very busy people, as one says. We can't say. Just buy it all the time and keep checking. So I uttered my thank you-s and apologised insincerely and fervently for wasting the person's time and that I did understand.

Yes, surely, that is barely a reason. I'm very busy too, you know. It's a simple thing really, just keep me informed.

Was supremely irritated for 20 secs, and then I was just irritated. Honestly, if I end up a reporter, this is why. Will love to know how it is like at the other end and observe whether it is indeed true, that media can behave as rudely as it likes and people will still be deferential. But I will be a good reporter, polite and efficient and helpful and enthusiastic towards all I meet, aside from reporting well obviously. The behaviour I encountered today is just horrid.

*

A reporter. That's the new track I will seriously consider if the station cannot make me part of them. I kinda din do as expectedly (as in usually) great as I would under less jittery circumstances, so I'm rather unsure about outcome. I came across as demure and nervous instead of my ideal projection - a deranged and interesting personality, you know, ike those wacky Taiwanese variety show hosts.

Not too pleased. Was tongue-tied at the early stage when suddenly told to make a speech on anything and pretend I'm on-air. In the end, I fell back on my first love - Dave Wang and used him as a springboard to yak away.

Argh. It could have gone so well if I were less nervous!!

I'm sorry I couldn't conjure up the craziness.

Eric, when told of my folly, was encouraging. But. But. What he revealed after I shared my desired projection (but I morphed into a shu1 nu3 once mike was opened. WTF) just threw me off like completely.

He: Actually you do talk and feel like the lady who hosts the variety show Super Sunday...
*followed by a chain of supposedly feel good and motivating statements*

Me: *said my thanks, and then zoomed in on the interesting bit* Which female host? Got so many! You don't mean Xiao Yan Jie!?

He: I think it's her.

Me. I remind you of a woman in her late 50s. Brilliant. That does a world of good to my ego.

He: Haha. She's charismatic! That's why she's the host of the show.

Me: That doesn't change the sad fact a single bit that she's a woman in her late 50s and I remind you of a woman in her 50s.

He: Well, looks like the well-intended compliment has other undesirable implications.

You bet! Xiao Yan Jie!!! *pengs* Does anyone feel I remind of Xiao Yan Jie!?!?

Anyway, just for the record, if anyone at all, I will love to remind of Xiao3 S. Not jus 'cos she's really crazy, but for mordant, fearless wit and she has also the determination to die for craft and beauty. See how far she has come in 8 years. Just check out the before and after pictures. She's living proof that dedication and stubborn-ness work. Lovely. And with that, she strutted out of her sister's shadow and proved all those myopic critics dead wrong.

Yup, if it fails, then News it shall be...?...urgh

Uncertainty of the future is getting to me these days.

*

I really like the necklace and earrings and to come, the Narnia Chronicles. Thank you for all your generous demonstration of love for the gift whore. Yay!!! There will be something from April and more from guess where, HK again!!

*

Watching the opening of 地下铁 musical @Esplanade Friday night. Going out with April and Lingxiu on Sat. Next week, drinks and dinner with designers who have become my friends. Not too bad.

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The hateful sterility of a most singular existence. Learning of someone's fear he may be impotent. That pretty much sums up the past three days.

We Have Art So We Shall Not Die From Reality

We have art so we shall not die from reality - Nietzsche

*

So I went to the gym instead on Friday. 5.9km on bike and 4.3km on treadmill. I shall set a reasonable goal of at least 10km done each visit. Doesn't matter what, so long as somehow I travel 10km.

The evening saw me trotting down Singapore Art Museum to see the rest of Botero artworks. It was okay, until I realised some of the oil paintings I wanted to examine closely were not amongst those exhibited. Quite disappointing in that sense. Thing of Note: The president walked past me and I tried hard to avoid being accidentally photographed. Strangely, I had picked a day that Russell Wong decided to have some sort of gallery display and it was the grand opening. There were too many well-heeled, well-dressed people and a couple of familiar faces I had to walk past to get to my intended destination. I put on my poseur face: the oh-i'm-way-too-cool-to-care look. Expanded, it's supposed to explain why I'm in a vintage top and scruffy jeans (read: I'm a bohemian) and lounging around by myself.

Yes, I was alone, quite so, because Minxiu was late. Eventually, I sailed through Botero works with myself (and played along with looking arty) which was pretty nice and relaxing. To be able to admire at one's own pace and expense is always rare. The Other is almost always a hovering presence to keep in mind.

By the time I was done, it was too late to do any more apart from dinner, so returned to Via Mar and started some serious spending.

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Saturday had me and Qiuyan having a good time doing girlie things. I bought a rather nice top which Qiuyan had doubts about.

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Today was a quickie with Meihui and KTV at night.

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Tomorrow, real life begins once more, and I start work.

Tell me, why is living life in the adult mode so surreal. To prove that I'm alive, I'm resorting to consumerism.

For Minxiu: The maxim - I consume, therefore I am - is fundamentally flawed. By generously using "I" without qualifying and defining, statement presupposes the identity "I" a priori. So the conclusion is actually what you have already assumed in the premise. I already am, not because I consume, but because "I" is used.How do you prove "I" is individual as opposed to a collective? For that matter, how do you differentiate "I" (referring to Angeline) from "You" (referring to Minxiu) since both "I"s (as used in their respective blog) are consuming with a vengence. And yes, the famed Cartesian line is not right either, as far as the objection stands. But does anyone care?

Sigh. I am increasingly losing my philo and lit chichi-ness, that much is obvious.

年华

For the time being, as in now, I have quite decided to put aside the fact that I'm actually on leave and head for the office tomorrow for the entire day (Reserve all rights to change my mind in the morning though). Reckon there's too much publicity and infinite promotions for the shows that required urgent follow-up, or be done/arranged/planned soonest. Mind you, I always work my way ahead, but new, exciting things-to-do just flood in, due to the mostly on-the-spot brillant thought, or the occasional debatable idea that needs manifestation to prove how wrong it was to begin with. I feel important (oh look, do I qualify as an workaholic now that I work on my off days?) and adult and busy. Uh-huh.

But is this what I really, really want? Managing events is fun, and I have the most wonderful, supportive mentor and seniors I can learn from and have the greatest times to boot. Overall, I do gain the useful expertise (dare I type that? oh, I just did) and experience and contacts that make me urgh, marketable, which is all very well and good.

Still, with the coming of 2005, it'd be timely to remind myself again to be focused and not to lose sight of what I have always wanted to do. I have chosen my calling and I mustn't be distracted at any cost.

In a way, Minxiu is quite an inspiration. He has pretty much settled on film-making and hey, he's on track, slowly but surely because he never forgets, and never loses hope, as far as his blog reads. He keeps watching movies, the very least and does reviews on the blog itself, even when reality fails, which is like usually, since we are housed in the same hotbed. Nevertheless, small steps, but oh-so-significant ones.

I don't see fears, or doubts, faltering, at all. Maybe he doesn't put them in words but if it's really so, that he's consistently and constantly engaging his craft meaningfully in all sorts of ways, then woah, either you are really good (which makes you more inspiring) or you are losing reality now and then (denial, denial - which makes you the average person, which is very well too, perhaps better).

So. Yes. I want to write full-time, as a novelist, poet. I already have my manuscripts, my stories and I shall continue to write more and more. To be published. I cannot abandon what gives meaning and purpose to my life. How busy and tired and tiresome life gets, I must remember. That I need to transcend all the pettiness and write all that matter. It's that simple; it's all that matters. I remember now.

如果说不回头不必害怕 我的幸福总有解答
为何我还追逐着追逐那梦中童话

星斗般迷幻的舞池中大声的喊出 这才是人生啊
在午夜的喧闹中融化在日出的疲劳中无力挣扎

那以为可以的永远啊 为什么短暂的令人惊讶
那男孩背影后的潇洒 带走了永远神秘的解答
如果说不回头 不必害怕 人生理想总会到达
为何我还追忆着 追忆那似水年华 追忆似水年华

Quarter Life

Last year, I gave myself this blog as a present. I must say it was the most excellent gift I could ever hope to receive from anyone. Reading what I wrote again over the past 12 months, I believe I could say in good faith, I have lived. I did not waste my time. Then again, I could have saved time better from various projects and utilised it to greater purpose.

*

This year, it was a pair of ridiculously overpriced Nike AirMax running shoes bought within 5 mins of stepping into the store by me for me. I was that fervent (and feverish and frivolous) But hey, it got me to the gym again this very evening. I did 4.4km on the treadmill, and 4km on wheels. Not too bad for a start. Especially when it's the trying to start that really sucks, and stalls big-time. I still don't get it though. Why's the gymming people all so bloody young. According to the sign in, sign out sheet, at least 60% are born after 85. WTF. Well, perhaps, my generation is all way too cool, working out in California or Planet instead. Me, I just picked convenience and accessibility over whatever alleged hip quotient. If paying someone $2.50 each time can guarantee me running (for my life), I say it's $ well-spent.

If anyone from Tampines needs a running/gym/badminton buddy, just drop me a msg. If you are from elsewhere other than Tampines, and for some unfathomable reason, will love to do your run and stuff in Tampines, I suppose you can drop me a line too.

*

Compared to last year's plundering Chinatown for lost Chinese-ness and essence (via waiting for the firecrackers to crackle, crackle and hopping from one tiny pseudo China restaurant to yet another tinier one with an ex-friend), I am enjoying the mediocrity of today. Nothing particularly of note, saved perhaps this:

Boss and senior sang happy birthday via the office phone, since I'm on leave. We will be forever 18, 38, and 48 respectively. Heh.

*

My teens and academic years have never felt further. To think the latter was only 1.5 years ago.

Thoughts Of The Seismic Sort

Had I been the one, tossed and lost, who will breath my absence and brave through space and time to a foreign land to look for me? Will anyone?

Sisters don’t count. Anyway, my sis is still a big baby girl. She can’t do it on her own.

It’s sobering. And yes, with this thought firmly stuck in mind, it’s difficult to engage the tragedy meaningfully. All that keeps replaying is wistfulness of a most personal, sentimental and romantic kind, albeit most useless and helpless as well.

I can’t care because I’m too caught up in the horrific vision that if I were unlucky enough, no one will stumble along wrecked beaches calling out my name; no one will have sleepless nights; no one will actively seek for me, in short.

But someone, some people will have to do it – the looking for me part. Bugging MFA, physically flying to where I was last rumoured seen.

Some people will weep; some will carry with them a deep loss; others will never forget.

But my challenge to them is, when and if it happens? What can and will you do?

If it happens to you, well, you have your parents. That’s my point.

*

The unfortunate thought was formidably displaced by spending a lovely first day of 2005 with two of my closest friends from JC days. Despite not having met up for close to two years, we nonetheless have the best of times together.

Familiarity is mostly assuring and comforting, and not something to be contemptuous of. I do concede that when I’m neither cynical nor embarrassed enough for confessions of a most vulnerable kind.

Over escargots, calamari and marinated wings + red berry, chamomile tea @Via Mar, Esplanade, we celebrated coming together again. Took crazy photos over and over again and indulge in girlish frivolity.

And surprise! My friends also took advantage of the night out to celebrate my birthday. We haven’t been celebrating any in recent years, mostly ad hoc, and usually not. So it was really nice that we are doing this all for me. Thank you, charming ladies – Sherry and Jiahui – we have travelled the road so long, sometimes divergently alone but it’s always a pleasure knowing around that bend, we will cross paths again.

What they presented me with also reminds me I should start reading again, seriously. The hard, solid literature that I resisted touching after graduating with Lit Hons. After a hiatus of one and a half years, it’s time I return to my roots. I do miss brainy days.

*

The second day of 2005 sees me passing myself off as an 18-year old, ‘cos I’m with 2 of them. It’s seriously not as farfetched as it reads.

*

And just now, an ice-cream cake from my godsister cum friend as an early birthday gesture. Her mum will be cooking for me tomorrow night.

*
What will you do for me? What lengths will you go? Had I been the one, tossed and lost, will you breath my absence and brave through space and time to a foreign land to look for me? Will you?

A Life Less Ordinary

And so we spent the eve together, like we did two years before, together with some mutual friends. But that's never the point, is it not.

What I do mean.

For some torrential reasons, the rains perhaps, the old friend was in Frisky mode last evening. After sending me a couple of ridiculous sms-es which I did not reply to, he called when we were very close to meeting. I'm almost always caught off guard, in a good way.

Somehow, the issue at hand hovers about spending the night at my place. Which I do not approve. Even if it's him + another two friends we were supposed to be with.

My House is female. She's very shy. She's also very male-intolerant. So, no, period. Don't even think about it.

The topic was revisited a few more times. Eventually I got tired of answering in a particular way, so I said he could come to my place, but not stay the night. Provided he makes himself useful ie clean the air-con, cook lunch/dinner etc.

I can do that, you know. It's difficult for you to clean the air-con because of your height.

*stumped* Well.

What do you want me to cook?

I don't know. But anyway, you definitely can't come to my place tonight. You hear me. NOT TONIGHT. It's a mess. Though I suppose you could come on a weekend before Chinese New Year to help.

I really don't know. He probably means what he says. But I'm not kidding either when I say my place is male-intolerant.

Anyhow, on the last day of 2004, what stuck most was the above.

What I said about wanting an Ordinary Life the post before, I guess it doesn't get any more ordinary than this. Shopping together at wet markets in the morning, someone cooking for you at home, someone cleaning up your place together with you.

If this is what 2005 is bringing, I say, rock on!

我们可不可以不勇敢 当伤太重心太酸无力承担
就算现在女人很流行释然 好象什么困境都知道该怎么办
我们可不可以不勇敢 当爱太累梦太乱没有答案