我活着的目的就是活得鲜明

很好奇 还有谁等着闯进我日记
欢迎光临 亲爱的 请享用我的感情

This week hasn't been fantastic but I'm surviving.

Monday comes with the news that it doesn't work out there and that's when I start thinking hard and fast about my next 5 years and where I want to be in life.

It's difficult living when you are used to being proud and accomplished (and thinking that you are) and would do anything to keep up the illusion for yourself. I can't bear it otherwise. Even though everyday is a lesson in mediocrity. A most painful reminder. It also hurts a bit that what you have always prided yourself as, is apparently, not as apparent to others. Either you are in denial, or they will not see it. The question is, do I continue pushing it quietly through other venues, or attempt something else.

爱或伤害都欢呼都是活过的证据

Tuesday sees me succumbing entirely to the ambiguous attractiveness to a pint of Hoegarden. Considering that my average intake is about 30ml, I'm drinking more than 10 times the usual. It must be the mature company - the goth chick who is really a struggling artist but working as a graphic designer in real life and an ex-commando officer (for 10 years) who is a artist but harks back to romantic Chineseness and Orientalism.

Older woman, older man - the combination suffices to ignite and combust the bitterness (and worthlessness)haunting me for the past 24 hs. And so I burn purposefully and am happy for a while. It helps that the Hoegarden tastes friendly and we toast and cheer at every available moment. All too anxious to capture that fleeting sense of the indescribable when together; all too eager to share the past we were not privvy to; all too nostalgic at the could-be, may-be and should have been. How do I not relive those stories. The sense of deja-vu, that I'm making the same mistakes, that I will be, with eyes wide and open and all too seeing, with regrets that are not regretful, with guilt to no one but myself - I like it that I care too much and not enough to bother.

Felt hot and sleepy and puke-y when I downed everything completely. Is that the drunken feeling? What a terrible one.

痛快去爱痛快去痛
痛快去悲伤痛快去感动
生命给了什么我就享受什么
每颗人间烟火全都不要错过
痛快去感受

Wednesday takes me visiting. Went to meet the lawyer and saw the friend removed too. Jonathan will be helping out. Both men looks extremely affable and we talked well, even cutting into topics off territory. Which means, yes, I started thinking about being a lawyer yet again in a if-only way. Jonathan asked the most innocuous questions about his friend and I ie are you classmates (er, no?); oh, then how did you know each other (a vacuous and rather irrelevant "NUS" trailing off) and I was saved by the lawyer in charge returning to the room. I was also whisked off to Brewerkz and drank 10ml of the alchoholic.

Thursday has me, after a bout of pensive contemplation, deciding to sink myself together with a perceived sinking ship as the alternative (see Monday in same entry). The very least, I consoled, I get to see myself in tangible ways and build a mock profile, albeit a rather terrible one. With that, I called Someone Very High Up and Important to ask if he could arrange something to that effect. The Someone alarmed me by revealing that I could cause a lot of distress and unhappiness to Monday and Thursday and in the end, do good to no one and harm myself most of all. In a way, I was more or less coaxed and coerced into believing the dice thrown and stone cast can bear no reviewing, not at the moment. I must tread carefully and dance the delicate.

The answer to nothing and nothingness is: I will survive.

痛快迎接痛快等候
痛快去试探痛快去触碰
生命安排什么我就感谢什么
每颗人间烟火全都美丽了我