From A Very Tired Girl

It has been a terrible week. I have to confess and concede I don’t take certain things too well. As far as my 20 odd years of living amidst other human beings have revealed, to be happy, I must be in charge, as opposed to being bossed around haphazardly.

Yes, I like to be in control, coz I’m under the illusion things won’t fall apart when that’s the case. I’m on the ball. I give clear instructions. I’m generous and fair and responsible. I do my work well. I’m patient and understanding when need be. I think and talk things through. Basically, I get things done and I make sure everyone is happy about doing it too.

I hate nothing more than being accused unfairly and suddenly of something petty and ridiculous, and only able to simmer in still silence because my perfectly sensible explanation is lost on ears all too stressed to listen. Honourable intentions and initiative were reinterpreted as a grave lack of responsibility and “not listening at all.” Honestly, it feels like I’m working for my mum sometimes, the way she speaks, totally exasperated at me and here I’m, grappling helplessly, quite lost as to why she’s so unhappy when there’s not much of a reason to be!!! *Sigh*

*

It was rather cool when I got to be with The Two (of Director positions) in the room when the contract was being “revised” because it was declared by someone I had “legal training.” In a way, this got me thinking seriously again about doing grad law after I have paid off my debt in kind. It’s not boring at all – these contract things. And I love a good argument.

At least when I’m a lawyer, I know exactly what I’m doing; it’s respectable and delivers much more moolah; and I won’t be aggravated to such an extent, I imagine.

Anyhow, between this week and the last, I met so many directors and CEOs, I grew ashamed of my namecard. I’m so small! But it was really nice of her to bring me along.

*

Had dinner with Minxiu that night. I believe he’s one of those rare people I can don’t see for years (has it been 4 years already?!) and still connect on a fairly intimate level. Or can it be both of us are just really personable people? Actually, it’s probably because we know how shit working life can be. Like me, he’s paying his debt in kind and it starts next week. Anyway, if things proceed as planned (referring to work), MX will be my new best friend starting Dec. Coz he has kindly agreed to bail me out of trouble and teach me the stuff I need to know which I seriously know nil about and I highly doubt anyone will have the time and patience to teach me from scratch when I’m where I’m in Dec. Hopefully with him in the picture, I can steer clear of shit. We are going to have a KTV session coming Sunday. Unfortunately, I have to leave earlier because I have to attend a Malay wedding midway.

*

And tonight, a lovely night out with April to exorcise ghosts and clean skeletons.

*

Has it been a year already? Not quite, but close.

*

Repeat after me. I’m a brain. I’m a writer. I’m young. My dreams will become reality.

*
It’s so easy to feign amnesia these days to console myself. And I’m definitely more tired than I pretend to be.

As usual, The Lovers Who Are Not have their cryptic moment of easy but suspect intimacy

He: I’m eating dinner. Call you back?
Me: I’m outside now. Call you when I’m home.

Projecting onto the all too brief, not to mention innocuous, exchange – how old-fashionedly adorable, I read after I spoke. As usual, The Lovers Who Are Not have their cryptic moment of easy but suspect intimacy.

In the spirit of Jane Eyre who tussled with an unbearable man, dear reader, I’m afraid circumstances have thrust me before He Whom I Hoped To Stray From and the connection is one so connected that it was really rather simple to fall into the natural rhythm of things and acknowledge that we enjoy a comfortable companionship that doesn’t appear any less impactful with infrequent and inconsistent communication (plaqued with constant misgivings, misunderstandings and misreadings).

It’s so easy, if you know what I mean.

Despite being all the worlds apart and having everything else between, with nothing before us (not that I can see), 4 odd years of random togetherness have shaped and nurtured a positive, unique pattern of relating to The Other. It’s like we can make each other very happy, if we so desire and choose, provided The Other can bring himself/herself to say Something FIRST. Like how I opt to keep mum about meeting up, even though it may be The Right Thing to say, and how he din say anything on that either, when that could be just what can make us both happier personalities.

So we tussled a bit on the phone and well *fast forward* -

He: I need to get some work done by midnight.
Me: Okay you can say it then. (The intelligent reader knows obviously what I mean)
He: Say what.
Me: You have something to tell me, don’t you.
He: Tell you what. What do you mean.
Me: Don’t you have something you want to say to me (I think I sense his panic at this point)
He: What do you want me to say? *rising panic*
Me: Just say it! Just say what’s on your mind; what you want to say lah *sounding very sincere and understanding, but I was teasing all the way*
He: *repeats* Tell me what you want me to say.
Me: *getting slightly tired and sleepy coz it’s late* You got nothing to add? So er…we are prolonging this conversation?!
He: Oh. I see what you mean.
Me: So slow.
He: okay then.
Me: Say lor.
He: *steadfastly refusing to use that word* @#$%%^& (representation of some malay words)
Me: Huh? What. I can’t hear. Or I don’t understand.
He: @#$%^
Me. Okay heh. Well then.
He: yar lar.

*long pauses on both ends*

Then very brief tussle stopped (had to lar, we all so busy people) and we put down our phones.

Okay. I will say what I din say then.

Bye.

我想是因为我不够温柔 不能分担你的忧愁 如果这样说不出口 就把遗憾放在心中

Sitting (and standing up very briefly for the whole of Oh Sally!, clapping and moving along to the rousing anthem) through the three-hour long and more concert that had 赵传 and 陈升 and 动力火车 performing their respective power hits to wonderfully appreciative crowds and adoring fans at the Indoor Stadium on Wednesday, I was mostly thoughtful and completely sober, if not sombre. Not even 动力火车's belting out my favourite retro 热情的沙漠 could prod me from a disturbingly quiet reverie, which comprises myself, a bit of history, some baggage and The Image, as I got rather lost in the songs I knew all by heart.

I don't care for the company beside me. I only came because I wanted to revisit some mock sorrows that had mellowed to some thing more terse but real with the passing of a decade and plus some more. I remembered as a baby all too young in the late late 80s and early early 90s, I had unwisely fronted an appearance of worldly-wise-ness and melancholy, pretending that I could understand the many sorrows of some songs.

Now, almost 14 years later, I am contemplative once more, whether are my current sorrows any more mock, pseudo. You tell me.

把我的悲伤留给自己 你的美丽让你带走从
此以後我再没有 快乐起来的理由
我想我可以忍住悲伤 假装我生命中没有你
从此以後 我在这里 日夜等待 你的消息

I read the stupid "Never Been Kissed" article in LifeStyle and was offended. But perhaps it will do to just admit with grace and generosity that I may very well fall into this category.

Do I fall into this category? *Think Hard; Think Harder; Think Most Hard*

How do you define a date? Is any hanging out with a guy considered one? What if the guy likes you but you don't and you still go out, as friends - what is that called? What if you go out as a couple on secret rendezvous without going anywhere? What if you were going out without saying anything major and you called it a day - is that a relationship at all? Do you have to literally kiss and hold hands? What if it just stopped there and there are no dates therafter? What if the other half we were goofing around with secretly thinks we are together (and you are quite happy with it) despite the missing oaths?

How absurd.

The question is, have I ever been in A Relationship? I find this a very difficult question. I always hesitate when I had the grave misfortune of encountering it. It's not a simple yes, or no, if I were to be entirely honest and honourable. Who can suggest undeceitful answers for me?

Okay, if you insist on a conclusive, I will go for no. Urgh. But I have quite enough of relationship-related stuff.

能不能让我陪著你走 既然你说留不住你
无论你在天涯海角 是不是你偶尔也会想起我
可不可以 可不可以 可不可以

I know many of my close friends have Never Been Kissed, literally and figuratively. And I believe it will be all too easy To Have Been Kissed had we decided to go all out for it. But somehow, while holding out for Mr (or Ms) Right Enough to turn up, we have also quite given up on the idea a prince or princess can be found in a world like ours. I know too many less close friends who are contented with Kisses From A Toad. But we are not admitting Toads yet, not so fast, babes!

*

Yes, Yes, I do. Yay, Yay, but I have managed to not to do anything about it despite having all the more reasons in the world to.

好多话想说 好多事要做 请天空给我 请时间给我 再多一点停留
身为一道彩虹 雨过了就该闪亮整片天空
让我深爱的你感到光荣
身为一道彩虹 尽全力也要换你一段笑容够了
我爱你 不必人懂 (只要你懂)

如果你累了 那就去睡吧不要为我 强求什么 爱不能不宽容
亲爱的你 若有感动 请牢记在心中下一次下雨
你能看见的 那道彩虹不再可能是我

Addendum: I have Never Been Kissed but I was Loved; I am Loved; I have Loved and I still Love

Surreal.

Imagine attending the Swarovski launch of its latest OUT OF AFRICA collection in Raffles City as its VIP, sipping red wine and nibbling on African fare (too bad the Swarovski goodie bag did not contain a pretty pendant as hoped, but bathos, ready packed in a pencil with a crystal balancing on its end tip)with the rest of the public looking on enviously at me, I mean, us. This is what the rich and connected life is about.

Imagine braiding your hair on a casual Friday and coincedentally, had to shade seating arrangements for a presentation using colour pencils. I feel like a kid again.

Imagine right after that, being asked to read important contracts. I am a lawyer after all.

Imagine being told I'm to attend every single very, very IMPORTANT meeting with my *ahem* next week.

Imagine that me, mini-me, will be introduced to some international hot shots that others are dying to meet and (net)work with. Okay, I'm quite cool about it. Probably the enormity has yet to fully dawn on me...

Imagine. Me, having an affair with the newly sworn-in PM. Okay, that really din happen hor, not yet lar. But only Ruthie will appreciate this *chuckles*

Imagine. Having a bestseller in your brain. I just have to write it down.

On repeat mode yet again: Stranger things have happened; this one just happens to be happening to me.

*

In my other mundane life, I've been working till 7pm everyday this week. I'm sick and it's full-blown flu today, just when I thought I had suppressed it successfully (for 3 days).

I got a card from Michael about my "quiet determination". Yes, dear. The chocolate cake you sent was quite lovely.

I will be watching Dim Sum Dollies tonight. I lost the original tickets at home, and it's thanks to my sis who went down to Indoor Stadium SISTIC to collect the replacements, that I'm watching anything at all.

I also got a letter from SingHealth and that's really another story. I've actually blogged a long and angry entry about it but my infected pc posted a blank entry. So I shall write about it again when I have the time.

Addendum: Imagine. Having every reason in the world to contact him and I did not. I'm brilliant. Praise me! Lavish encouragement on me! Admire me! Give me a pat on the back!

Imagine. Dreaming that he called to ask me out and for the first time, not actually sentient (the thought just didn't cross at all) that it was a dream.

PS: Can the person who is using NTU dial-up to access my blog please. please reveal your identity? If you shy, shy, drop me an email at angeline.ang@gmail.com - I very nice one.

There's something gone horribly wrong residing in my pc. I'm sure I caught it after it caught me waiting for something else more redundant and repetitive to happen ie someone to acknowledge the online presence which could then lead to something other, thinking perhaps this time, it could be different. Yup, my pc starts acting up, that's what. Since I am so ridiculously resistant to making even neutral moves, my pc has decided to infect itself mysteriously to save me from the habitual mindless fretting I am so used to when it comes to a certain person. I no longer am able to see him online, because I have uninstalled ICQ as an additional means to prolong the sick and sad life of my pc. Which means I no longer pseudo-play the wasting role of the waiting woman. Anyhow, I have quite managed, in a convoluted and spirited debate pitting myself against myself, to win myself over to the rather obvious conclusion that I no longer matter to him.

*

A visit to Kinokuniya over the weekend had me bumped into Lynette and Shin (revelation: ooh they are great friends! What a tiny world!). Shin just returned from New York from a one-year film course. I'm envious but it's okay. She's a year older than I am, and I have one more year to "make it" and be accomplished.

Half way yakking loudly to the girls, someone tapped me on my shoulder. I looked up to see a very familiar face that was once very dear and important in impressionable years. Goodness me, it's M! And J looming behind! The former has finally graduated from NorthWestern. It must have been at least 4 years since I last talked properly (meaning, well you know) to him, the last time being just before he left for the States. I have known both of them for a decade and more, but lost them for 7 years through different paths and the chronic ability (peculiar to me) to refuse to attend gatherings that I have stubbornly presupposed as meaningless. It's really very lovely to see both again. A sense of romantic nostalgia emerges (probably due to age) and suddenly, I miss those secondary school days and lazy weekends during which we were never apart. I watched helluva lousy movies and gulped tonnes of fastfood in the name of friendship, for everything must be done together, that was our rule. Silly, silly. But such silliness as only youth is capable of. *smiles* And I made the verbal commitment to attend the next mass meet.

*

I got an sms just now through a special means that was well-known to him and used largely via him. But it wasn't him. I know. Because the sms started with "dear." It's arrangements to meet with my JC class. I was always the absence, as usual. (The only gatherings I am ever enthusiastic about so far are primary school and tertiary ones, and ecas-based). I will turn up because I need something new, so much more than an infected pc, and so much less than someone who no longer feels anything for me, if there were indeed odd feelings to concede and 'fess up in the first place.

I feel ridiculously 幸福 today. Let this blog entry be the riposte to future silly and impetuous declarations that I can and will never, ever experience happiness again. Happiness is over that corner waiting to pounce on me, I must realise. I have played my part by moving towards it, however unwittingly; and it patiently wears out any scepticism and suspicion on my side through the long march. I shall remember and be grateful at least for the next two days.

*

My favourite person at the office gave me a surprise treat at My Humble House, Esplanade. Despite me whipping out the NKF discount coupon that would entitle us to $25 off the total bill, it came to a 3 digit figure anyhow. But we did agree unanimously that the final bill was nevertheless a vast improvement from our first visit there. I know, scary huh.

*

This next part is censored because it is highly sensitive. But what happened made the most of my day mostly, and also, most unfortunately, made me revisit an issue I had only very recently considered finally closed after long and painful discussions with myself, weighing the invisible pros and inevitable cons . Now that this has tilted the balance in another's favour more and more, I'm no longer sure whether it's a route and risk I'm raring to undertake. I have just barely managed to brainwash myself into believing this is good for me but. But.

Current happiness have divorced the determination and delusion from the decision.

*

I see the results of labour and love. It's very satisfying. I like what I'm doing very much. I thank you for the trust, the confidence and the acceptance. I will continue to strive harder and aim higher and make the most out of the best circumstances can offer.

*

My favourite person has also invited me to be part of something that I'm only too happy to be.

*

I bought 2 lovely tops within half an hr (same shop, lah)

*

He matters not, now that being independently happy has divested me of any short-term desire. I hope it is as long as it gets. I love it when I feel this way. I drown all too easily in it. Let me drown.

I long to see someone, and someone is, fortunately, not free to indulge in an ill-fitting habit. I end up hating myself for bothering when we have no more to say. I need to wean myself off the desire to meet everytime I have less to do and more to think. We remain as firmly and stubbornly out of sight, but nevertheless somewhere in restless minds, despite all evasions.

*

Ambushed by urban loneliness. Nothing short of traumatic. Who can I call upon; who do I want to talk to; is there a better way to deal with it other than shopping and ktv-ing?

I don't want to see some people because I know they can't understand. They will say something I cannot pretend to appreciate and I will bite my tongue, and hate them, anyway. Don't you see, I really don't like that and I will never.

People who do, I can't see, 'cos we know schedules don't match and we can only encourage through mutual experiencing of the same pain.

Others I can't decide, because, I just can't. No, I'm lying. I'm practising censorship, that's all.

So I shop for pretty things to make life beautiful and make it look I'm alone by choice, when filtered through eyes not my own. In a way I am, but I'd rather have good company for catharsis. And because I can't, for various reasons, I resort to shop 'n' sing to bloat up an empty life. And the blogging, now and then, because it assuages asinine guilt for *something*

*

I know it's the cue to write my failed little Chinese romances again. But for reasons I know not what, I can't bring myself to. Maybe this heralds the true end of a real-life pseudo romance.

*

Meanwhile, I listen to 杜德伟 (incidentally, another taut and sinewy body)'s 脱掉。I also want to strip.

外套脱掉 脱掉 外套脱掉
上衣脱掉 脱掉 上衣脱掉
面具脱掉 脱掉 龟毛脱掉 脱掉
通通脱掉 脱掉

有冲动 没行动 那就什么都白搞

没问题 干脆我们来分工合作

谁要点那把火 谁要火上加油

场子热了谁都不要躲 干脆假戏真做

跳进来搅和 给你机会放纵

拜托大家不要 败再没事穿太多

规矩太多一起 脱掉 有搞头一起飙

浑身上下清爽畅凉快活着多美好

你知道 你想要 那样才翘

*

I'm pretty because of good hair days, but no one right enough is seeing. So. Save me from myself and that reflection.

Everytime I feel my thoughts getting that smaller and narrower to where they always begin, it usually pays to ask, "SO WHAT?" very loudly in my head, since the question (referring to another) has never been popped.

Allow me, to obsess quietly and negatively, on my own, without cause, and with doubts, over a lack, an absence and a distance that we can only hope to conquer, but never bridged.

I have no more to speak of, just like how you have no more to ask of. If henceforth, I stay this silent and still, without my drama and direction, will you continue the play, have you considered. Has someone left without my realising; can I live a life of abstinence from questions and answers peculiar to you and I.

It's all too easy to miss, a hateful missing of a kind so commonplace and mediocre, it hurts to know we are experiencing it.

Admiring sculptured, muscular and very naked male torsos for 3 nights in a row, it's very easy to lose all sight of reality. Can this be the norm? Yes, how I wish all males have bodies like that and they should! Those well-built men, with that defined V shape and all, made even me forget to check out the veins parts. Which is a major deal, if you know me. But I suppose if you are so bloody muscular, the veins come with the package.

At an informal dinner hosted by CK for the cast, I got to see everyone upclose and personal. But given that hunky Christian is still gloriously made-up as a woman and so are the rest of the macho men (only Timothy looks okay 'coz he's playing The Man), I decided to just look and focus from the neck down onwards. He waved a small hi at me :) Basically, I'm just very content to sip my lobster bisque and be dreamily laidback, basking in the testosterone-ridden air.

What does it take to achieve such a body? What can I do to convince someone to look like that so that it will be more fun to go out? Sigh, I know, shallow, shallow. But at least I'm honest about my preferences.

All cute guys are in theatre. Hell, even Casey, the director, is eye-candy. Not fair.

Tomorrow night after our last show, there will be a cast party. Of course I get to go.

*

He's here. I'm here. But nothing ever happens, and I've almost stopped wondering. But. I will start again.

*

Time to move on and party. And shop. And be good to myself.