There's something gone horribly wrong residing in my pc. I'm sure I caught it after it caught me waiting for something else more redundant and repetitive to happen ie someone to acknowledge the online presence which could then lead to something other, thinking perhaps this time, it could be different. Yup, my pc starts acting up, that's what. Since I am so ridiculously resistant to making even neutral moves, my pc has decided to infect itself mysteriously to save me from the habitual mindless fretting I am so used to when it comes to a certain person. I no longer am able to see him online, because I have uninstalled ICQ as an additional means to prolong the sick and sad life of my pc. Which means I no longer pseudo-play the wasting role of the waiting woman. Anyhow, I have quite managed, in a convoluted and spirited debate pitting myself against myself, to win myself over to the rather obvious conclusion that I no longer matter to him.
*
A visit to Kinokuniya over the weekend had me bumped into Lynette and Shin (revelation: ooh they are great friends! What a tiny world!). Shin just returned from New York from a one-year film course. I'm envious but it's okay. She's a year older than I am, and I have one more year to "make it" and be accomplished.
Half way yakking loudly to the girls, someone tapped me on my shoulder. I looked up to see a very familiar face that was once very dear and important in impressionable years. Goodness me, it's M! And J looming behind! The former has finally graduated from NorthWestern. It must have been at least 4 years since I last talked properly (meaning, well you know) to him, the last time being just before he left for the States. I have known both of them for a decade and more, but lost them for 7 years through different paths and the chronic ability (peculiar to me) to refuse to attend gatherings that I have stubbornly presupposed as meaningless. It's really very lovely to see both again. A sense of romantic nostalgia emerges (probably due to age) and suddenly, I miss those secondary school days and lazy weekends during which we were never apart. I watched helluva lousy movies and gulped tonnes of fastfood in the name of friendship, for everything must be done together, that was our rule. Silly, silly. But such silliness as only youth is capable of. *smiles* And I made the verbal commitment to attend the next mass meet.
*
I got an sms just now through a special means that was well-known to him and used largely via him. But it wasn't him. I know. Because the sms started with "dear." It's arrangements to meet with my JC class. I was always the absence, as usual. (The only gatherings I am ever enthusiastic about so far are primary school and tertiary ones, and ecas-based). I will turn up because I need something new, so much more than an infected pc, and so much less than someone who no longer feels anything for me, if there were indeed odd feelings to concede and 'fess up in the first place.
*
A visit to Kinokuniya over the weekend had me bumped into Lynette and Shin (revelation: ooh they are great friends! What a tiny world!). Shin just returned from New York from a one-year film course. I'm envious but it's okay. She's a year older than I am, and I have one more year to "make it" and be accomplished.
Half way yakking loudly to the girls, someone tapped me on my shoulder. I looked up to see a very familiar face that was once very dear and important in impressionable years. Goodness me, it's M! And J looming behind! The former has finally graduated from NorthWestern. It must have been at least 4 years since I last talked properly (meaning, well you know) to him, the last time being just before he left for the States. I have known both of them for a decade and more, but lost them for 7 years through different paths and the chronic ability (peculiar to me) to refuse to attend gatherings that I have stubbornly presupposed as meaningless. It's really very lovely to see both again. A sense of romantic nostalgia emerges (probably due to age) and suddenly, I miss those secondary school days and lazy weekends during which we were never apart. I watched helluva lousy movies and gulped tonnes of fastfood in the name of friendship, for everything must be done together, that was our rule. Silly, silly. But such silliness as only youth is capable of. *smiles* And I made the verbal commitment to attend the next mass meet.
*
I got an sms just now through a special means that was well-known to him and used largely via him. But it wasn't him. I know. Because the sms started with "dear." It's arrangements to meet with my JC class. I was always the absence, as usual. (The only gatherings I am ever enthusiastic about so far are primary school and tertiary ones, and ecas-based). I will turn up because I need something new, so much more than an infected pc, and so much less than someone who no longer feels anything for me, if there were indeed odd feelings to concede and 'fess up in the first place.
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