The 2005 Review

2005 has quietly passed on without any monumental milestones of a personal nature.

It has been a particularly uneventful and unaccomplished year in terms of non-blogging writing (which is how I measure every year).

Work-wise, it can always be better. It can always be better.

And I have, to my horror, degenerated from plain lazy to a slatternly sloth. That applies in all areas, especially on the domestic front. Shall spend my leave doing housekeeping and tidying. Oh, and I swear to exercise (now where/when have we heard that before).

I really haven’t done anything of note, saved kicking someone successfully out of my life.

(Hmmm. Looks like I need to get pat down the 2006 aspirations as a to-do guide very soon. It’s getting harder to be proud of procrastinating. The ironic relish and perverse pleasure is fast wearing thin.)

Happily, I think I can prolong this report by covering relationships, as usual.

On the social front, I’m grateful how most friends have stayed with me and stood by me I’m sure my irresistible charm and love for them contributed to their steadfast 不离不弃ness.

Others of lesser calibre and credit have flitted away (ostensibly so, but more like fled in terror) and I remain flippant – maybe they will come back someday - like a Rick Price’s song haunting over the airwaves unexpectedly. Maybe we will embrace one another’s lives again. I have no need to know.

Maybe just like another sad love song wrecking the brain and mind, overplayed and overhyped, it is excellent riddance to the very bad rubbish littering my social landscape (for good).

Some ties were rediscovered and found to be tighter and closer, for which I am glad to be in possession of to ward off the ever-growing, ever-hovering cynicism (for now).

And how can I not mention: the small group of readers monitoring this blog’s inane progression and regression. We know each other through living vicariously. Strangers we may be, but we follow one another’s lives with interest.

Yes, prune, prune if only to dance, dance in the sun rays again, smell the blooming roses, enjoy a surprise harvest and be inspired to write properly and professionally once more.

The Hand That Reached Out

Eek. Someone tried to hold my hand. I wasn’t very sure what to do. So putting my trust in all those Japanese doramas I had surfeited on as a teen, I tried to pull away modestly and quietly. Equally quiet and no less persistent, the hand that held mine reached for it again, and held on.

And we walked, in silence.

And in the spirit of CNY, we went to visit my relatives.

It was too surreal, and eventually I figured I must be dreaming, and struggled to wake up. But not before I experienced the mock terror of losing my new digital camera in the same dream.

What a way to begin the second day of Chinese New Year. Whew. Now let me jinx and unjinx this by writing about it.

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

Prospects are grim when you are penniless, tired, hungry and thirsty, and alone in the busy streets of Orchard, smacked in the madding crowd and home is very far away.

The euphoria from shopping conquests has long worn off.

You despair of having paid in cash, just to enjoy a bigger discount, thereby depleting the wallet completely.

You forget the ATM machine in Far East Plaza has been torn down.

In utter misery, you remember you own no ubiquitously used POSB ATM card either because the replacement one has not come in. You have no idea of the pin numbers on the debit and credit cards.

You attempt to flag a cab with no success.

You dial for a cab but are put on waiting mode forever.

You walk all the way to Paragon to your secret cab-waiting place only to find it infested with people.

With sheer tenacity, you decide to throw in the towel (oxymoronic or what) and take the public transport.

Money-less. Tired. Hungry. Thirsty. Alone.

You carry a bag of pretty clothes but you know you look like shit.

You stumble your way from the underground passageway in Lucky Plaza and hope to see the fading interior lights of Takashimaya very soon.

In a daze, you heard someone calling out your name in disbelief.

Angeline?

Every cloud has a silver lining.

You meet a good friend entirely by the filmsy-est chance.

You wail out your ridiculous circumstance. That you are - Money-less. Tired. Hungry. Thirsty. Alone.

The friend feeds you and keeps you in good company on the way home.

You apologise for coming across as an unglam drenched diva soaked to her painted toenails.

The two of you laughed over the perils of working and life – and the constant efforts NOT to be harassed, haggard and harried.

You still have no money. But you are full in all senses.

Every cloud has a silver lining. You will remember this in lesser moments.

Thanks, Ryan. Your presence that night affirms the other saying that hope springs eternal. I have never been so bloody glad to see anyone.

La Figlia Che Piange

La Figlia Che Piange

O quam te memorem virgo…

Stand on the highest pavement of the stair –
Lean on a garden urn –
Weave, weave the sunlight in your hair –
Clasp your flowers to you with a pained surprise –
Fling them to the ground and turn
With a fugitive resentment in your eyes:
But weave, weave the sunlight in your hair.

So I would have had him leave,
So I would have had her stand and grieve,
So he would have left
As the soul leaves the body torn and bruised,
As the mind deserts the body it has used.
I should find
Some way incomparably light and deft,
Some way we both should understand,
Simple and faithless as a smile and shake of the hand,

She turned away, but with the autumn weather
Compelled my imagination many days,
Many days and many hours:
Her hair over her arms and her arms full of flowers.
And I wonder how they should have been together!
I should have lost a gesture and a pose.
Sometimes these cogitations still amaze
The troubled midnight and the noon’s repose.

– T.S. Eliot

Lovely.

And So It Is, Just Like You Said It Would Be

In the end, I trusted my gut instincts and hedged my bets on the digital camera that CH recommended.

I ended up with a Fujifilm FinePix F11 that has unanimous approval from everyone who knows a thing or two about cameras. I paid $600 for it, inclusive of GST, tripod stand, original Fuji leather casing, 512MB memory card, and the protective screen in Alan Photo at Sim Lim Square, which I find to be a pretty good deal.

Moral of the story: Amassing things is the quickest way to acquire knowledge. I now sort of know stuff after I had asked around and did some online research. Give me till mid Feb to master my new love and I can pass off for something weightier than an amateur.

*

Went shopping for New Year clothes for my friend (too busy to shop till today). He ended up with a striped shirt at Domachi but not before remarking he found checkered shirts weird. I confessed my weakness for them and large/oversized shirts on tall guys, plus a strange aversion for guys in polo tees. So yes, I must say he cut an appealing figure when I peered into the changing room to give my solicited but very, very biased opinion. i think tall (and lean) guys should just seriously stick to wearing large/oversized shirts.

*

Dinner at here. Fish, Steak and Level 3 Buffalo Wings. And yes, I am clear what I do not want now.

The place is different from I remember. I’m here with another. We drove.

Some things, did they really happen?

and so it is
just like you said it would be
life goes easy on me

And my friend gave me a Tuesdays with Morrie DVD as a belated birthday gift.

Oh yes, and that's a Harvard University tee I am proudly wearing. Granted it's not a sweatshirt and my metal rimmed glasses are in my bag but well, it's an improvisation from this. That guys are supposed to dig girls wearing stuff from Ivy League schools. I shared this with Meihui and she promptly bought the tee for both of us when she was in Boston for her rendezvous! You go, girl!

Addendum: Too hot in Singapore to wear a sweatshirt okay. At least I can wear the Harvard tee anytime, anywhere.

Disclaimer: I didn't put up the picture because I was in a Harvard top lah. It's to showcase my new baby - how despite harsh white lighting and utter lack of photoshop. we can still look pretty decent. The nice guy attending to me in the shop, when I had confirmed my camera buy, took it upon himself (woah, very the got initiative, shop and service strongly recommended) to snap the picture of my friend and I and had it printed on the spot for us. So the Harvard thing is a fortuitous coincedence.

(Cam)p It Up! Part II

I had wanted to return him his camera, as it is no longer in working condition, but that sounds heartless. So what came out was an sms asking him whether he wants to accompany me to get a digital camera.

In less than 5 seconds, my friend called and said he hadn’t heard from me for a long time. And that he would be happy to accompany me. Weekends would be good as he’s very busy on Mondays to Fridays on a top secret project. So we settled for Saturday.

Me: Please make yourself useful hor.
He: I don’t know anything!
Me: Then bring you along for what. Duh. You must at least know more than me.
He: That I can be sure.
Me: Boo.
He: I’m after all an engineer.

Nevertheless, I give Mr Dimples full marks for gallantry. Bonus marks for calling while waiting for dinner outside and talking still when dinner has been served (my guess – can’t take that long to get it on the table). More marks for coming across as “worrying” (in an attractively awkward manner) whether he should drive for my sake. I think meaning in the preceding sentence is unclear but so long as I know what I mean. Minus marks for egging me to buy both the camera and ipod. Bad.

*

Shortlisted entries

1. Casio Exilim 500 or 600
2. Sony Cybershot DSC T5 or T7 or T9
3. Canon power shotSD400
4. Nikon Coolpix S1-3

Thanks to Wang Yun, YQ, & Kent for being patient and helpful!!

一次幸福的机会

在那么有限的生命中
能被所爱的人深深爱过
或许不该再奢求再怨什么
世上的遗憾本来就很多

Had dinner with Hwee, whom I have not seen for close to a year ever since she embarked on her Masters in Auckland, New Zealand. Shared inevitable gossip and unenviable lowdown on mutual friends, otherwise known collectively under a neutral header called updates.

Me: So we just drifted apart, I guess.

Hwee: How can that be, L and *insert Mr Vein’s real name” always 迁就 you?

Me: They do? I don’t feel it. L maybe, because he is really very, very accommodating back then even when I’m being ridiculously unreasonable. But, Mr Veins?

Hwee: Mr Veins always gives in to you!!!!

Me: Oh really.

Hwee: What’s wrong with the two of you. Damn weird siah.

Thing about meeting up with an old friend is that you naturally dig up the past for continuity and out pour the skeletons and ghosts from the invisible wardrobe.

在艰难的说了再见后
你真的不该再紧紧抱我
刚才还能体谅的放开你的手
不代表我就够坚强洒脱

Confronted (and confounded) by an utterly opposing opinion, you find yourself scouring the long abandoned site of severance for signs that could sit in anywhere but the middle.

I must not relent. I have moved on well enough and there’s no turning back.

But veins aside, meeting Hwee did make me wonder what happened to some people.

Perhaps I will contact a couple and see where that takes me.

Which begs the question why must I be the one.

我们曾有过一次幸福的机会
当玫瑰和诺言还没枯萎
别说抱歉我不后悔
曾经逆风和你一起飞

Flights of Fancy

I aim to come across as impossibly young. Which translates to looking like I’m in my end teens or stuck at the twenties start forever.

I might have taken this whole youth quest too far though. Case in point: over the weekend, my mentor was chatting to this Perm Secretary’s daughter and pointing to me (blithely unaware I was, briefly, the object for discussion) the former remarked both of us should be around the same age. The latter retorted that it was not possible lah, she is already 21 years old. My boss shook her head as she was relating this anecdote to me and another business acquaintance today. I shook my head in unison and said wah lau, let’s change the subject, as the business acquaintance nodded her head in vigorous agreement, though I fear it’s my lacking in years that she concurs.

Subsequently, my tuition kid, who is 16, thinks I’m 5 years older than he is. While I want to look youthful, I’m also seriously skeptical that people really think I’m this young. It’s ridiculous. I know my limits. I just don’t look my age, yet. But can I really take so many years off? Whatever. I do hope I can shrug off a few layers of cuteness and notch up the pretty quotient more. With age and years and maturity, exceptional style, grace and beauty will perhaps finally be mine.

Not cheap to look young and stylish, that’s for sure.

*

I had wanted to do something adventurous, and convinced myself somehow it was a great idea to wax my upper lip on Sunday. People who know me long enough will understand why this is a monumental decision. As an *academic feminist, I can’t fathom the need to be hairless, neck down especially (and I just don’t buy the “it’s for hygiene’s sake” excuse, so don’t fling that at me). I hope everyone knows that the hairless woman is a myth – unfortunately perpetuated by women themselves. I have resisted making myself unnecessarily hairless (my idol in NUS was a young female philosophy tutor who doesn’t shave at all, not even her armpits and she has no qualms about waving and gesticulating wildly. Admiration comes from my own inability to be any less hypocritical in my tirade against the false hairless woman). But society’s pressure and your own funny desires can be a strange mix, leading you to do stranger things. I tell myself to fuck academics and just sell out and see what’s the deal about being slightly less hairy. So in April’s good company, I did it for $6 only in Strip, Wheelock Place. Surprisingly, I do feel more feminine after that blasphemous act.


*The key is to embrace and enhance natural beauty without having to fight what Nature has given. So no dyeing hair and that sort of stuff. This academic feminist is also most strongly against rebounded hair. But she confesses that it is mostly because someone she adored to bits has said before she looked better in a mass of wavy messes. But the path is rocky and temptation to succumb to neat immaculation is omniscient. If only my hair is more tapered, but that would be too unnatural.

*

I bought a silk kimono top. I look and feel very geisha as I wear it, especially if I knot my hair up. I wonder if it is too much to don this to Memoirs of a Geisha.

*

I’m researching to buy a digital camera. Budget $500. I have never owned one before so am relying on recommendations from kapoh and kind souls. Must have form and function and be friendly to me, please. Don’t be like YQ, who “WOMEN” me amidst all the technical terms he threw at me. Grrrr. Be like Yeun who is sweet enough to answer all my questions (but not sweet enough to accompany me on a live quest). Anyway, here is the camera conversation between Wang Yun and I. Do you agree with his recommendations? Anything else I should be looking at and taking note? Please leave your mark or email me. Thanks!

yeun says:
eh dun make me go shopping hor.. for digital camera.

Kitiara says:
wait i kanna conned how. you make yourself sound so knowledgeable what

Kitiara says:
it will just be one round. buying technical stuff very tedious to me.

Kitiara says:
what you own?

yeun says:
well, i also followed my frens advice the last time i bought mine.. mine is canon a95

yeun says:
just read the reviews, they say a lot and do comparisons there. rather then listen to the shop ppl... they want to clear stock sometimes

yeun says:
canon a95 is not those slim, or nice looking cameras.. but its quite good la. gd thing for me is that it uses AA batteries instead of lithium, so u can change batt instead of waiting for the camera to be plugged in to power and wait wait wait

Kitiara says:
how did you buy yours? also a lone hunter at sim lim?

Kitiara says:
sim lim gives me a headache cos it's so crowded and all the shop owners yak yak yak.

Kitiara says:
thought be nice to have a companion in tow to act as barrier and advisor lah

yeun says:
i went with a fren first time then go second time just to buy

yeun says:
ya true la, actually all the cameras can fulfil most needs.. so sometimes its just which one u feel like getting, and how much it costs.

Kitiara says:
but you still don't want to go with me!

yeun says:
ya dun wan.. haha.. spare me!

Kitiara says:
boo then you email me some links and sites can

Kitiara says:
y you recommend what you recommend?

Kitiara says:
m starting research from scratch - dunno anything!

yeun says:
dpreview.com

yeun says:
i dunno wat u want so maybe u might want slim cameras cos not so bulky? so even ixus may be gd, im not sure of the price.. canon cos most well-known, can't go too wrong... nikon coolpix tend to be slightly smaller frame than canon cameras (my perception) so i didnt like it (cos too small to hold!) but it might be just nice for u. and casio exilim is classic slim and supposedly bestlonglasting batt

yeun says:
and a lot more others.. panasonic also got their selling points.. sony is lifestyle - but their card is only compatible with their own brand. so there's the card to consider, the functions, the design/size, the batt type and life, and LCD screen (bigger usually better)

Kitiara says:
aiyoh i must cut and paste and save this conversation...

Kitiara says:
got recommended direct links and sites to visit? rather than just generic hardware zone

yeun says:
hmm i dun have links now i need to surf a bit

Kitiara says:
oh no! memory card i know. but battery type O_o

Kitiara says:
what is the norm for battery life

Kitiara says:
can drop proof anot...sigh

yeun says:
got AA batteries, lithium (those like handphone type) and casio one is a different kind duno wat lithium la. anyway its a problem only when u travel.. like do u mind charging digital cameras every nite, or prefer AA batts despite the inconvenience of carrying spare sets. exilim one i think can last several days

Kitiara says:
eek. which in your expert opinion is better

yeun says:
if u are photo-intensive then use AA batteries lor, so that u can change in the middle of ur day trip and snap all day long.... if u are normal user then the lithium will do. AA can be troublesome cos u also need to carry along a recharger for AA batteries when u travel.

yeun says:
anyway.. which camera have u used and what problems do u see in it

yeun says:
this one looks nice http://www.dpreview.com/reviews/specs/Casio/casio_exs600.asp

Kitiara says:
i think i will unleash the camwhore in me (it has been partially unleashed by my hp cam) with the acquisition of a digicam. i have never owned a digicam before, that's why i'm asking qns by the loads.

Kitiara says:
got any cam is got both lithium and AA batteries for super kiasu ppl?

yeun says:
hmm.. dun think so. actually the small cameras can't use AA cos it adds to the bulk.

Kitiara says:
what is the standard/average life for the lithium battery before i need to charge?

Kitiara says:
let me try to ask helpful questions...what are the things i should also be looking out for when buying the camera? any free accessories or must buy accessories? can i safely assume most digicams on the market now are "more or less" the similar?

yeun says:
yup more or less. zoom is almost all 3x. they all have LCDs, they all have a few different shooting modes... accessories is only... maybe u need to buy higher capacity cards. thats all. canon gave me goodie bag with small tripod and all those dust cleaner thing in a camera bag.. but i never use them cos quite redundant

yeun says:
u can start with.. how many pixels u want. 5, 6, 7, 8mpx

Kitiara says:
i have...500 bucks

Kitiara says:
what can that buy me?

Kitiara says:
what is yours? i heard 5 is more than suffice for good pictures?

Kitiara says:
okay er...what is meant when you say "zoom is almost all 3x"...

yeun says:
mine is 5 megapx.. abt $600 bought last yr

yeun says:
optical 3x zoom

yeun says:
but the casio exilim ex-s600 is 6megapixel and costs usd379.99, that's around sgd600?

Kitiara says:
is that the latest?

Kitiara says:
referring to models...

yeun says:
oct 2005.. http://www.dpreview.com/reviews/specs/Casio/

And we broke off here for lunch and individual business

姐妹们的聚会好happy

I had the loveliest time with 3 of my favourite people last night. With my 姐妹 Ruth, April and Chinyi, we trotted to Golden Mile Tower at Beach Road for a healthy dose of old school Chineseness. This comes in the form of Thien Kee Steamboat where we had great fun masquerading as decent cooks of broth and a yummy time overall (we turned out to be very decent). I really think we should meet more often as a foursome instead of being rounded up on the grand average of once a year.

姐妹们的聚会好happy
说来说去永远说不到你
场面绝对不会冷清
八卦的话题做带劲

Chinyi’s birthday provides the perfect pretext to meet. I was horribly late due to a last minute production call. So all three of them had to wander around Parco for 1.5 hours prior to my arrival (I have zilch idea how to get to Golden Mile Tower) but that also gave Ruth the opportunity to buy me my belated birthday gift – a very-pretty-and-cute-but-not-nauseatingly-cutesy Hello Kitty bag that I adore to bits! My best friend, ever the practical creature, chose one that was in safe office colours of brown, cream black and grey (apart from the white kitten, that is). Very thoughtful! Now I can carry it anywhere without fearing for its mortality, unlike my usual Japanese hand sewn cloth cat bags (found in basement of Takashimaya) that turn very, very dirty within a ridiculously short period of time.

After steaming the boat, we settled down in Café Le Caire at Arab Street. Unfortunately, work has rubbed away some corners and none of us are as happening and energetic as before. At 11.30pm +++, we happily called it a night and cabbed home.

I can’t recall all the nonsense we sprouted, apart from sterilizing the prawn, but I sure haven’t felt so good for the longest time. Good in the joyful, zesty, feeling-very-young-and-carefree-and-careless sense.

姐妹们的聚会好happy
上了发卷幻想自己是巨星
戴上太阳眼镜就更接近
今天一定要是最美丽
老了以后还是要继续
把老公小孩都留在家里

In other news: I watched Broken Flowers. Thought of getting an ipod. Mr Dimples called. We considered the merits of using his credit card and his company apple scheme to make purchase. Discovered my company also has such a scheme and that the scheme screams buyers beware (‘cos disclaims all responsibility). Decided against pod (poopoo) and to buy a digital cam instead. The cam is both a necessity and a want. Especially now that the one Mr Dimples has loaned me takes mostly ghostly pictures. Ruth and I will be watching this. I want to go for this too. Any person to accompany me?

Without You

我瞧着地平线 命运答非所问的脸 让我感觉有些晕眩
她走在他左边 这一秒钟 她笑的很甜
我爱你的那几年 那十几岁的雨天 这刮着风的今夜
走吧 两个人能爱多远 穿上你的毛衣穿过世界 看着那封信变成碎片
我问 什么回忆最可怜 是不是在很久很久之后 想很久以前

Last night, I was taken aback to discover my close girlfriend’s new boyfriend is best of friends - blood brudders in fact, with my ex (in the intellectual whore sense). So much for kicking a person out of your life and ruthlessly decimating all that is related by association, with the exception of Beautante.

After 2.5 years, we are only parallel travelers in a circle. Bad enough that I had to meet the girlfriend (yes, it’s still that one) recently (totally unavoidable), if only in the womanly sense that you intuitively know the other female is sizing you up, scrutinizing you all over, with a bizarre mixture of curiosity and apprehension, to imprint the latest you on the mind and against a mental checklist, assess your potential as the competitor and wonder about the shared-past-not-worth-mentioning for the umpteenth time silently, without confronting you, even if she is dying to.

I’m fine with it. It’s just hard not to squirm with all the baggage floating around when lightness of closure is only achieved through time, since we all mishandled the situation back then. It’s my first time seeing her again after we graduated and after all the pseudo confessions and pseudo breaks and real life drama and vice versa. That, perhaps, justifies the quiet display of glowing-ness as opposed to glowering. Yes, we all need to pass off as living well, more so for some others, to some others.

But it’s true that time makes one negligent and therefore allows all that have transpired to fall gracefully into a natural state of neglect. It no longer matters, and if not for some letters, and entries, there are important details that I would have forgotten. I don’t choose to remember or revisit. There are just some things that are rendered invisible with time.

We will never be what we were again, but it doesn’t mean having to run away from or recoil at a super duper Friendster moment. Our paths are crossing. I can live with it, just like how the without you was never an issue from the start.

Addendum: The revelation is almost on par with discovering Mr Veins's parents are 世交 of my dad's brother and wife ie they know one another for years, way before he was born into the world. We uncovered this only last year and it brought unnecessary excitement. Right.

I must confess I read the boyfriend's blog with interest, wondering what he would say about the connection. In his words, "we discovered that this close friend of my gf is a close friend of one of my closest friends (blood brudder Yuren)." Well, I'm not sure how it was derived I am a "close friend" when closer to the truth is at this moment, we are no longer speaking to or seeing each other. But. It's all water under the bridge now. If you happen to be reading this, whatever negative thoughts i harbour of you have dissipated with time. My ex therapist, psychoanalyst, shrink and thesis companion, I wonder you would say if you know my original story has finally ended.

我爱过 可是找不到永远 看着时间拿走我的纪念
爱上你又恨透这种思念 谁爱过谁 谁又吻过谁的从前
于是我们目送爱的嘴脸 渐渐的走远 慢慢看不见

那一天 向前走 慢慢走 忘了爱也没有用
那一夜 那一切 那一眼 那一天 那一月 那一年 爱你的我

The Eve With No Ifs

It is at once charming and sobering to acknowledge that we are spending the eve of both Christmas and New Year with people we have known for 13 years. It’s like we have come full circle, or that we have never moved, or, god forbid, we have no choice. Old friends always age well. You feel terribly comforted by their familiar presence, especially when you no longer want to think anymore.

My sugar daddies for that evening, Ryan and YQ bought me a pair of earrings from my favourite shop as an early birthday gift. I went along with them to QC, making sure it’s something I want and one that I would actually wear – no taking chances here!

Dinner took place here. We ordered lavishly, evils like foie gras and mascarpone cheese inclusive. And opened a bottle of wine. The lovely dimmed lights were rather intoxicating and we soon found ourselves on the bizarre topic of tweaking nipples amongst others (and stranger). Slightly tipsy. Yummy tapas. Yummier desserts.

We soon shook it (drunkenness) off with a well-time walk to Esplanade for the fireworks.

I will get to the 2006 resolutions and 2005 review in time.

蜡烛都点了 - 寂寞, 可亮了?

Today was spent in an understated manner that brought me quiet joy. There were the usual calls and sms-es. Some were expected, some came as a pleasant surprise, and some cannot be mentioned, much as I wished, for they never reach me (which simply means I didn’t hear from them), and never will again, I believe.

As always, Best Friend thinks my birthday falls tomorrow. She can never remember, just like how I am often confused whether hers is on the first or second of July. But that’s okay. Qiuyan is all heart and love – despite being on call at the hospital two days and nights in a row, she managed to wish me chirpily before sinking into comatose. My primary school friend, he remembered. My internal and external partners-in-crime at work all did. Mr Dimples blamed his pda for insistently reminding him.

So many people who mattered tried to do something to show that they know and care. But we have always cared for and run after the absence more, ever since Derrida showed that’s the only principled way to live. With my dignity in shreds (known only to myself), I made the mental checklist of what is not there and what cannot be there. Whatever.

Happy Birthday to me. I’ve come a long way, but it has not ended, and, the show must go on. May I always retain the bountiful beauty and incandescent intellect. May I be rewarded with enduring youth, endless wealth, enchanting love and enriching friendships throughout my journey in Life. May I always see reason and light in the darkest of hours and panic not. May I always choose wisely but follow my heart. May I always dream.

Not easy, but hell, I’ve only 18+1 years to my name. Plenty of time.

May I always smile from the heart and have a sense of humour to my name.

May I move on. May I chase after my beliefs. May I not stray too far from the heart, the brain, the principles and people I love.

生日快乐
我对自己说
蜡烛点了
寂寞亮了