I'm As Tall As A Billard Cue

I just reached home. Been out since 7.45am. Haven't been sleeping enough lately. But shall document recent happenings before they lose all clarity and meaning.

So this morning, it's back to NUS with Eric (who secured the moral high ground by virtue of waiting 1 min for me in his car) to attend this political forum on towards an open and inclusive society in Singapore. Occasionally heavily laced with pedantic academic details but mostly enlightening revisiting and revisions, it was a good reviewing of a peculiar kind of historic amnesia. Speakers did the forum justice - Eleanor Wong, Asad Latif, Alfian Sa'at, Alex Au etc but the Q&A session was an utter bore/disappointments. The audience failed to ask pertinent questions - skewing the discussion to an academic discourse instead of positing perky and pointy points.

Couldn't decide what to do when it all ended but happily, we decide to make a threesome, and luckily, Weixiang was around. So it was off to bowl (pretty okay) and my shame and humiliation - pool. I completely suck at it okay. And no matter how Eric attempted to nudge my fingers into a *restable stand* to place the cue on, it just looks weird. To the extent, Weixiang remarked - I think her hands are different from ours...don't you think so? And so shots were way off, if I managed to hit anything correctly at all. But Eric is damn good at it. I figure if I play it well, I'd play all the time. It's really a sport you can look darn cool and professional.

Discovery of the Day (courtesy of Weixiang): I'm as tall as a billard cue. Fine.

Then it was off to PP for food. Shopped a bit and we were looking at furniture and gadgets. I bought two lovely, fluffy pillows which my escorts kindly took on their shoulders (each come in a individual shoulder bag). Tested out chairs and beds and examined this Howard's Storage Space thingy.

Time to go home. But no, when we reached my place, we were only starting to engage animatedly (and intimately :) in a Sex and the City discourse. So the car was parked at my block for the next 2.5hs, during which we talked in the car about Mars and Venus. Discovered some things which I don't know if it's good to know and said some things which I don't know if it's good. But things were goofy and good, till tiredness just crept in and knocked us out. This is what happened when you are immensely sleep deprived. You say and hear things worse than when you are drunk (and I have never been drunk). But whatever it is, we have to live with the consequences, if there's any consequence at all, and whether the consequences are worth ignoring, ignorance or indifference. Can get away with impunity but at the expense of impotency? Still very nice guys, ladies, and very single.

*

The night before saw me having unplanned-for dinner at Ma Maison. Long talk, even longer thoughts. Ended it by walking that stretch of road from Bugis to Lavendar again. Once - it was special to me. Then I mourned and commemorated. Third time - it was to exorcise and have a brand new reason to walk that way again. Finally, I see that stretch as no more than familiar past that no longer brings nostalgia. Perhaps, I just find it unsettling that eventually, I always return to walking this stretch with a different someone. Can't we go somewhere else?!

Earlier in the day, Minxiu called to announce he has won tickets to an overnight movie marathon but I can't go. Neither can he. My point: Things always fucking happen when you have no fucking time.

*

The essence of the preceding fucking statement is encapsulated in the sudden email announcement that I had to take a test. A written 2.5 h long Current Affairs one to boot. Intensive, extensive preparation...starting from? Called Shinhao for a reality check and half hoping he'd be a little more prickly so that I would be mockingly, sufficiently irritated to cover my anxiety and nervousness. But he was mostly nice so, yucks. We'll see how things go. I still like to have a good future.

*

I'm just really pooped lately. Really pooped. Bah. We talked about my conversation with his parents. It was rather funny. He could guess what my reply to them was. They were just finding a nexus, lar. It's okay.

I'm pooped. I wish there's someone 1.8m, with veins and dimples, and smiley, with manly hands to let my mind wander to.

Lee Hsien Loong - I mean I gotta observe him and the Cabinet :)

Bad Faith

It's easy to pretend that there's nothing.

Oh, there's nothing. Nothing. Nothing between us. At all.

Most of us are adept at it. Sartre would call it bad faith - this act of fleeing. Denying any possibility of a something.

Look, he is holding my hand - it's been more than 10 seconds -well he's telling a story, perhaps he's just being open and friendly and holding my hand serves no greater purpose than animating the plot (which is of course, never about us).

Oh, she's asking me out. Wait, we are living in contemporary times - which means it's okay to ask me, a male out, without meaning to suggest anything. Which means, damnit, I can't tell if she's into me at all. Oh well, just hang out, lor.

He's asking me out again. But he's not saying anything beyond that. It's okay. We are only good friends, solely and entirely platonic. We are safe. We don't speculate crazily. Perhaps we did and now we have gone beyond. Way cool. We can hang out like crazy and I think it means nothing more. To be honest, it can drive me crazy sometimes, still.

I suspect it's getting so much harder to get an official companion if you are decent, educated and intelligent, because you are so, so aware of how warped social rules are and can be. They are currently at the stage at which any signs of interest can be neutered and neutralised. Anything goes. Everything can mean nothing. Thanks to prevalence of irony, gender equality, parody and deconstruction (RIP, Derrida) and what other academic rubbish that ruin what little romanticism wafting in the air. Messy. You just can't trust your instincts and self-help books anymore. It's like what I love to expound on during Dr Ang's 19th century literature classes of crime and detection. You can't be sure at all if the clues are red herrings and vice versa. Always a risk. To analyse is actually pretty useless. Just throw yourself into it if you dare. Odds wise, it really wouldn't make a world of difference.

Still. All these only serve to paralyse one into ridiculous passivity. The lady dismisses as nothing and the gentleman shrugs it off and they continue being together without attaching importance to the intimacy because each are convinced that it's just a platonic hanging out, surely the other knows. Yes, I'm sure the other knows. I'm merely suggesting the daring thought of meaning something more to the same party has crossed and it conceals itself, because of the belief it can never be, and all the signs that point to it are just coincedental or due to the exceptional wonderful personalities concerned. In short, bad faith.

TBC

The Men I Was With All Those Nights

Actually, more accurately, some of the men I was with. There were more. And then the girls too. Anyhow, with the release of these exclusive photos (courtesy of Toyi's digital camera and Ryan forwarding the shots to me), my identity is now finally exposed. But it's okay, good things are meant to be shared. Meaning, of course - I like these people and the pictures bring back fond memories of a very busy yet fun period :)


I think we are all looking pretty good here (click to see close up). We are - Me & Some Shenyang Acrobatic Troupe Guys & Two Friends. The guy beside me wearing the loud prints is super muscular and strong, and the object of desire amongst friends, and incidentally, also the male lead for many items in the show. So I was flattered when he plonked himself beside me (he was originally at the other end). He's not my idol (as mentioned in an earlier post). But the guy in black right behind me - he's the person who partners my idol. The guy who has a bandaged foot is very nice and friendly too. Wanted to treat me to ice-kachang. And then there are the two friends (mine), who are, obviously not from the troupe.

Addendum: I realise if I crop the picture to just the two of us (Me & Mr Super Strong and Muscular), it actually works well. We look very nice together. It started out as a joke that day the picture was taken to tease a friend but maybe I really should since it's so natural, just to make someone slightly distressed someday. Anyhow, just to expand somemore, Ruth was remarking the other day that I looked like the girlfriend of a triad leader in the photo. The triad leader referring to the guy in loud prints of course, and the rest are his gang members. So cool. Yay.

The Men I Was With All Those Nights Part 2

Another good-looking picture. Actually there are only two group shots. Very precious. So posting both, even though you can spot very few differences. The obvious - I became rather coy and conscious of the super muscular and strong guy beside me and started to lean the other way. You can see his smile ain't that flashy because of that. Hee. And if anyone is wondering, the beautiful wraparound skirt (on me lah) is a gift from Thailand, courtesy of Kaile who finally proves he has taste. With this purchase, he successfully redeemed himself and atoned for the last shop-for-me disaster. But that's another story and some years ago.

The Idol

Well, and finally, here's a picture of my idol. It doesn't really do justice to his chiselled good looks and even more chiselled body (It can't help that his partner is messing up his hair big time and he knows it, hence the slight frown). Seriously, his remarkable abs and pecs and veins are a lot more defined in reality. Most unfortunately, the dimples also did a vanishing act here.

I can't decide if he's shy, reticent or just needs warming up. In the end, we din manage to take any picture together ie just the two of us, cos I also flee from scene, even though people did try to get us on the same platform.

Interesting Facts & Figures:
He's the 27 years old person who believes I'm only 19.
He's been training since 11 years old.
He's currently on an 8-month performance tour with his partner in Switzerland.
His partner is only 18.
He's dating someone from the troupe but she's not in Singapore when the troupe was here.
He weighs 72kg and his partner is 65kg. Both of them are ard 1.73m.

The E(litist) Gathering

Me: Okay, so 8.30pm tonight at the Blk 85 Bedok market...but who's going? What if I don't recognise anyone and no one recognises me either?!

Weixiang: Aiyar, meet us first. We meet 8.15pm at McDonald's and Eric will drive there.

Yes, our Yu Neng Primary School 6E gathering is taking place tonight.

It was a good one and we had a grand time yakking away. Turn-up was small, for various reasons, but the chemistry was encouraging. I saw my then best friend and we were both very heartened to see each other again. We were close in the way children can be, by virtue of being in the same environment ie E class from primary 2 all the way till we graduated. Most of us anyway, for those who hadn't left, or those who replaced they who did.

We reminisced about the past (I chipped in where possible since I left the E(-litist) class in primary 4) and ribbed a bit. Apparently the very nice Weixiang and Eric are also very single, so readers can note their eligibility - for those who are interested in this sort of things. Tuyi and Lirong think my job is very glam glam (we know better! :). Then there were adult topics like the budget, maids, kids, and dating, and men, women and household chores to be covered. And all the oohs and aahs when we realised some of us go back 19 years.

Promises to stay in touch and I think we will. I just checked my mail and already a Yahoo Group has been set up. So efficient and enthusiastic. Now if only I can remember my password....

Thank you all for a wonderful time tonight. And thank you-s to Eric who drove me back, and the extra male escorts!

霓虹纵然再嚣张 我们的步履有方向
成败不论切莫将昔日遗忘

人生的际遇千百种 但有知心长相重
人愿长久 水愿长流

i

On leave since Mon, but soon to pass, by Thurday, I should be back at work. Sob.

Shopping is always good to stop thinking. But. It's time to think. I've stopped thinking for far too long.

*

Had an okay Valentine. But I dearly miss Friendship Day in Temasek Junior College. I miss looking out for all the pretty cards and gifts dedicated to me on the Spider Web.

It's one thing to hate cliches and stereotypes but when the legendary cliche and stereotype has never happened to you before, I think it's only fair game to desire, and sadly soured grapes if you profess, without experiencing or attempting it, that you are not embracing it at all. For a shallow example, if you claim buying flowers are a waste of money, I can and want to believe you if you had bought before in the past. But if you had not, you cannot save me from the impression you are just making use of the cliche as an excuse to refrain from doing it, and you are a bloody cheapskate.

It was a strange night to be out. I registered no couples, and no sellers of flowers but that's probably because we were in the car most of the time, and already rather late. Dinner was easily settled at a familar terrain (once we found somewhere that's not closed). And I ordered my staple there. And I breathed in the past. Overlooking from the third storey, I breathed in a little more of a past even further away. I have missed walking this stretch but not tonight, not for the longest time. And tonight, we drove.

But back to flowers. It would be rather nice to celebrate V-Day proper eventually, without someone reminding me how crass and commercial it is. Don't forget, I'm dying to be crass and commercial for once. I don't see why not. Why I am so deprived. It has been years since I received roses - and so young then, it really doesn't quite count, I wasn't appreciative, not in the way I would be now if someone were to send me.

The best Valentine was last year, with Chinyi :) Just click and scroll to 14 Feb. For a real *official* date, scroll to 6 Feb. That pretty much laid the groundwork (to halt, perhaps) for what and where we are.

Meet My Parents

Reunion dinner with my dad's eldest brother and wife (henceforth referred to as Uncle and Auntie) and their family burped out the pretty bauble.

After realising Auntie works in Attorney-General's Chambers, it was only a natural progression to ask if she knows Mr Veins, who has recently started work as a prosecutor.

XXX? Why, I knew his parents before he was born! Your uncle and I watched him grow up. His parents are our very good friends.

It was of course a very exciting bit of news, enough to cheer me up and more.

He's very homely and quiet. Always reading.

It's funny to hear him being described in that way. I always had my reservations (and suspicions), you know. Like because we don't seriously have mutual friends who know him as well as they know me and the pride he takes in being secretive and elusive ie hard to get, there's always the possibility lurking, that he's a screwed up personality, a sex fiend(hmm), basically VERY BAD NEWS. Now that he has the elderly stamp of approval (homely and quiet is always good when sprouted by elders)...well i'm not sure if it adds to the overall charm and attraction actually, given the history of the extended family *censored*. It can be VERY, VERY BAD NEWS.

At least we ascertain he's not married or anything like that. I'm not a mistress, not yet.

Anyhow, I told him about it, how we actually appear now, to go way back even prior to knowing each other in NUS.

Fast forwarding, he decided to take his parents to my show as a treat over the weekend (don't ask me why). Insisted on buying the tickets, so I got him a better rate and eventually upgraded them discreetly. As usual, Mr Veins was sardonic and eventually I cut him off and shooed him to Gents when we spoke during intermission. But I chose to be nice and asked his parents if they liked the show.

It went off as nicely as it should at first, with they thanking me and saying it was a great show (but of course) and then I said my Uncle and Auntie also enjoyed and I heard you guys are good friends. And here's where everything just goes off tangent wildly, and like totally. *appalled*

Mr Veins' parents: Ahhh yes, we are. We were there at your dad's *insert most inauspicious word*

Me: Ummm. Well, *insert Mr Veins' real name* was there during my mum's.

Mr Veins' parents: Your mum also?! Was it quite recent?

Me: Errr...yah December *insert cause and condition*. Okay, I think the show's about to start, I gotta go. Auntie, Uncle, nice meeting you, Happy New Year and Gong Xi Fa Cai!

With that, I fled the bloody scene. WTF. Short interaction, but not exactly sweetest huh.

I don't know about you. This is the first time I'm meeting his parents and it's pretty much sent me reeling. Urgh.

Terrible script. Terrible lines.

Languorous Lust 2005

I meant to write about lusting languorously after nicely buffed men who are blessed with superbly defined pecs AND abs AND veins AND have dimples AND a good nose. On top of that, also a bit on how it's quite cool that they have no qualms about stripping before me. And they have manly hands - big and calloused.

After swimming in a sea filled with performing (as tongued as tongue-in-cheek can be :) Greek gods albeit with Chinese features (and I adore Chinese men) for the past one week, I worry I may have been spoilt into thinking all men should look a particular way. They are just so well-built and beautifully shaped.

I have resolved to ask my idol (my senior calls him my hero), my favourite amongst the guys, how much bulk he has and try to wheedle future boyfriends discreetly to pack in that amount. He's not *really really* my idol - started as a joke, as anything serious happening to me has a tendency to start that way - but he does grow on me. Plus he shares my Chinese namesake phonetically (quite lah, hanyu pinyin exactly the same).

Happily or unhappily, my idol believes I have yet to graduate. He thinks I'm 18/19 years old and 10 years younger than he is. He is, of course, very much incorrect but I didn't correct him.

Happily or unhappily, my boss, getting wind of my half-hearted interest, has publicly announced before the group that we (He and I) will take a picture together. We have to be in a most ridiculous pose. He would be in his costume ie skimpy shorts only and lift me up with one hand.

Now I know he's incredibly strong and it will be a cool picture to show people, especially some people, but I guess NO. All it takes to make me happy is posing in the boring standing-next-to-each-other kind. What I need is something to commemorate that body. I will meet no body like that ever again upclose and personal. Sob.

And do not despair, my male friends reading this. You are taller than these buffed bodies, so that's something to be proud of. With the exception of my idol, who's blessed with everything, including height.

Prove It To Me

(1) That He's Just Not That Into You vindicates its theories
Recapping and Refreshing: Men will spring into action without delay ie ask you out readily. If you had to wait uncomfortably, he's just not that into you, seriously! Story: The photographer called and asked me out to dinner within the hour we ended the press interview. Had to turn him down 'coz I had a show on. Important Moral: I'm a damn charming creature.

(2) That everything happens for a reason
Story: I was upset that the Huang Shu Jun concert was all sold out. Damn depressing. Then I got an sms from Weixiang inviting me to Tuyi's place on the coming Friday for a Yu Neng Primary School gathering. Now, how cool is that. I have not seen some of them for over a decade (since I switched school) and thanks to Eric who's chummy with Weixiang who remembered to jio the traitor now that we are back in contact, yay, I got something exciting to see me through this week. The gather also happens to fall on the night I would have bought the tickets had they not been sold out. Important moral: If things don't happen, there's probably a very, very important reason stopping them.

(3) That things can fall, and be okay - ie fall into place
Story: Due to a very 冷 and very lame forward from Eric, and my witty retort, we are gonna attend a talk together. As the talk is political in nature, part of me is concerned someone might be there. The remaining me is appalled that it should even cross my mind at all. Even if someone's there, why should it matter for me. Important moral: I have lost my shallow but salient point. Am I proving that I'm scheming, that I have a conscience (and that it's okay to admit this failing), or that very 冷 , very lame forwards are good and acceptable and go a long way.

(4) That I have a career
Story: I'm attending two courses - one on management, and the other on copywriting, at no cost to myself of course. I resolve to be most hungry and determined and enthusiastic. Important moral: I must take absolute responsibility for my actions, nevermind the Humean contestations (on the dubious claim of causality). Must pull, must push, and never let go.

The Jolin Tsai 变变变 Post

After saying fine 4 consecutive times, culminating in a disconcerting half-rhyme bye, to his 4 statements, I hung up on him.

I felt dreadful enough without him voicing out my true, and possibly real, concerns. Where will I be without this? Even if I had my own very reserved reservations about this direction to be taken, as he said, do I want to be anywhere else within A, since I have only A, as various parties have insinuated, coaxed and coerced to my bewilderment, and hence I should be, in his own words - *desperate* and *dying* for this to work out, and more hence, be intensifying laudable to launch a new career. I could only manage lamely - it's not that simple (always contestable)while seething within with anger and confusion at my lack of control over everything.

当我看见左肩破损的战衣 盔甲后的你表情带着笑意想要对我说
外来的袭击即将离公主远去 那些令人刺耳的声音 我不听 我不听
偏偏我又容易受影响容易伤心没有用 微笑的表面不停骗自己
他们的语气 好笑的攻击 自卑的心理四年来 带着各种面具想让你我孤立

He said he doesn't sense my hunger at all. That I'm just concerned at a potential loss of face and that I'm too proud. He wants me to seriously find out information about what I should and need to know. He's right in a way. I didn't even want to (or, have the heart and courage to) tell him in order to transcend, I need to jump off the ground first. I shouldn't sound defeated but oh, let me take the leap of faith.

Oh fuck. Why the leap at all, in faith somemore? I'm okay; I'm good. The place is not conducive for anyone with vaguely low self-esteem. It has a tendency to drag you down and forget all that you were meant to do and be all plebeian and mediocre. I just need to transcend above all such pettiness and stupidity. I'm better than a lot of people. Oh and here's where he'll also come in and say I'm too arrogant and conceited again. I'm beginning to suspect we are what we are and where we are (ie going all over places except to that *place*)because of his occasionally misguided perceptions of my pride.

莫名其妙那些话语 莫名期妙那些话语
如同沙子掉进眼里 不用哭泣
莫名其妙那些话语 莫名期妙那些话语
不如下挡电影 值得注意

I must not give up. This is what I love and this is what I'm good at, and I have to do something about it.

我 不要王子苦苦守候的故事
梦幻不实我不希望你是王子
因为瑰丽童话结局为战而死
故事开端结局会因你而真实

He's good for me in his cutting earthliness, freeing me (through angering me) through hateful tapes of all colour, now faded and therefore, more dangerous.

+4000 to Mr Veins

像骑士的忠贞 不畏惧邪恩的眼神
这过程 一直放在我心底
就像挡在你胸前的盔甲 保护着我让我心疼

骑士们 发挥出你们的精神
就这样强悍的骑士撑到最后
骄傲的公主的要回家 整装再出发

Mr Veins and Mr Dimples

(Added the bits in italics)

I have gone on two dates within two days of each other. Since they are like my two last flings till after my latest show (that is, till end of Chinese New Year), I shall be silly and heartless and cruel and frivolous, and compare the two for the sheer "fun" of it, since I won't be having such *dating* fun in the very short run. I shall attempt to be as objectively as Angelinesquely possible. The two men in question shall henceforth be known as Mr Veins and Mr Dimples. Mr Veins, is of course, my long-standing companion and long-suffering unofficial legal advisor. Mr Dimples is someone who, well, has deep dimples. To be entirely fair, I will advance Mr Dimples +500 since history and personal bias has me tilted in Mr Veins' favour.

Mr Veins
>1.8m and lean: +200
Manly complexion: +10
Permanently prominent veins: + 300
Like to raise eyebrows knowingly at me: -100
Trust that I remember we have a date: +10
Date is a mystery made known to yours truly only at very last possible moment: +50
Makes me walk: +1
Has everything planned and plotted secretly : +100
Very safe driver: +20
Made effort for a memorable date and succeeded: +500
Focuses on me, and himself, and us: +200
Company is solid, assuring and familiar: +250
Hates fast food: +300
Sends me personal sms-es: +20
Endorsed by sister: +1000
DERIVES HAPPINESS FROM MAKING ME IRRITATED: -3000

Mr Dimples
> 1.8m and lean: +200
Manly Complexion: +10
Dreadfully deep dimples with slight hint of veins: +250
Constantly beams endearingly: +300
Calls to remind me that we have a date that night: +300
Tries to find out where I am to pick me up: +100
Free and easy, and therefore, difficult: -1
Brought along a good-looking male friend: +50
Very exciting driver: +40
Left Holland V coz no parking lot and settling in Great World City for KFC dinner: -100
Drove me home: +80
Company is good but definitely needs getting used to, to be entirely comfortable: -50
Raves about KFC: -80
Sends me forwarded sms-es: -50
Endorsed by Meihui: +500
Endorsed by Ruth: +500

Overall, Mr Veins gets +1541 while Mr Dimples gets +1179. After adding the bonus advancement of +500, Mr Dimples wins with+1679

Revised Scores: Mr Veins get -139 while Mr Dimples get +2549.

So tired. Shall stop here. Brain is addled, obviously, as seen from this lame and insulting post to two super nice guys. If you are the date in question, please excuse me. I just really need something to take my mind off the work flooding me.