I Think I Will Not Hang Myself Today

Last Friday evening, luxuriating @Fosters in Holland V, and lost in our traditional English fare, dear Elaine and I were making tiny sighs of contentment, on how during moments like these, it seems that we were still very, very young and how everything would look not-so-dreary after all. Time was on our side, and ours to splurge on friends, with friends. Frivolity was not the stuff of dreams, and work, merely a pleasant distraction, a tool to earn the moolah, and not the all-consuming demon that drains us of life’s vitality.

We concluded blithely that in moments of despair, we must always cling on to the consoling fact: At least we are not married with children.

Yes, and so the future was unfettered. We are not in emotional debt for the rest of our lives. It was still ours to decide, to live stubbornly, wildly and selfishly.

I need to remember that: At least I am not married with children.

Signs of how tired I am:

- I rather go on a cruise to nowhere with Shimin and nua on deck doing nothing but eat and sleep and gym and dream. Instead of somewhere we have to plan and walk and do sightseeing. The very thought of the latter fills me with great horror.

- Best Friend’s idea sounds awfully brilliant to me. We will check into a local hotel with fluffy pillows to sleep and read. Minimal interaction between us except for the meal breaks. Oh, what wouldn’t I give to sleep and read more? The book shall be Atonement when this happens.

A Ballade of Suicide
G.K. Chesterton

The gallows in my garden, people say,
Is new and neat and adequately tall;
I tie the noose on in a knowing way
As one that knots his necktie for a ball;
But just as all the neighbours on the wall
Are drawing a long breath to shout "Hurray!"
The strangest whim has seized me. . . After all
I think I will not hang myself to-day.

To-morrow is the time I get my pay
My uncle's sword is hanging in the hall
I see a little cloud all pink and grey
Perhaps the rector's mother will NOT call
I fancy that I heard from Mr. Gall
That mushrooms could be cooked another way
I never read the works of Juvenal
I think I will not hang myself to-day.

The world will have another washing-day;
The decadents decay; the pedants pall;
And H.G. Wells has found that children play,
And Bernard Shaw discovered that they squall;
Rationalists are growing rational
And through thick woods one finds a stream astray,
So secret that the very sky seems small
I think I will not hang myself to-day.

ENVOI

Prince, I can hear the trumpet of Germinal,
The tumbrils toiling up the terrible way;
Even to-day your royal head may fall
I think I will not hang myself to-day.

安静了III: He Will Get It, Soon

Today on msn, in the middle of a chat with YQ, who's Mr Dimples' colleague and our mutual friend -

*unicef J says: Oh yeah. Mr Dimples asked me abt you today.

*unicef J says: Specifically, did you change your hp number.

He slipped it in so casually that I was slightly taken aback. Naturally, I simply ignored the remarks and continued with my description on places he should visit for Japan, which was what we were discussing before that. I pretended the two sentences were lost in our ramblings and I never saw them. To his credit, YQ didn't pursue it either.

Now I know why YQ suddenly msged me in the afternoon. When he has always msned. It's a test.

Depending on how you see it, I passed or failed with flying colours.

*

It seems I'm only blogging when it's him. I guess because it's simple, fuss-free and straight-to-the-point. I rarely have the energy and luxury to think my thoughts through, much less bang out something. I get lost in consumerism these days and measure happiness by the number of pretty dress I buy to coax myself to get through Mondays - Fridays, with a smile on my face.

安静了II: When The Man Doesn't Get It

I was taken aback to receive another sms from Mr Dimples, this time at 8.30am. Yes, in the morning of today.

Mr Dimples: If you read today’s papers, there was this snatchthief in JB who was beaten up while robbing a woman. You are allowed to gain some comfort that it may be the same person who terrorised us and that justice has been done.

I have no reply for him. But screaming words such as Pathetic! Loser! surfaced as smug thought bubbles.

Curious parties can refer to here, here and here for background and flashback.

安静了

I received an unexpected sms around 10pm (!) today from Mr Dimples.

I intend to ignore it, just like what I have been doing (nothing!) for his last sms to me and for the last few messages left on my facebook page.

Maybe this time, he will really get it. I’m not going to respond and I never will.

I couldn’t resist calling Best Friend and crowing about it though.

Being absolutely catty, I wondered aloud (again!) if it has dawned on him that his girlfriend is a bore and no one can be as fascinating as yours truly; if he’s done missing my company silently and stoically and is doing something to test the waters of friendship and so on.

No, you will never enjoy the pleasure of my companionship again. So don’t bother.

My blood boils each time I remember how he has intentionally mislead me to the very end, by withholding the fact he already has a girlfriend (when he could have let me down gently once he has made the decision that it’s not me); by still preying on my companionship after that (k, so I was partly to blame here too); by expecting me to go on a date with him and his girlfriend; by taken for granted that our easily established chemistry would go on forever and he can still adopt an intimate tone with me, by saying he values success over passion (thus implying I was too challenging a catch) and again, the list of crimes go on and on.

Go and whine to your math teacher girlfriend can. She will teach you the world is 1 + 1 = 2 and there is really no need to overcomplicate matters.

Then I wonder is that why Mr Veins is ignoring me, and if I may stress, like the plague. Can we draw any parallels and learn something from my ignoring of Mr Dimples? Well, I can’t. But I know I’m making good progress in the art of forgetting when it escaped me it was Mr Veins’ birthday last Friday. No chance to do my annual quick moping and mourning!

Mr Dimples: Hi, if you remember the nasty boss which I told you about, he’s removed from the programme and I’ve outlasted him. Wonder whether should I be happy about such an outcome. Haiz. At least this episode came to an end. How are you doing with your career? Saw on facebook that you’ve strong opinions on the Aware saga.

Dude, that was almost a year ago. It’s been that long since we hanged out as a twosome, minus Meihui’s wedding last November. Why should I care? What right do you claim to be privy to my life that does not involve you anymore? Can you stop being so naïve?

The Personal Is Political III: AWARE-D

Yes, I was there too at the EGM. It was in every way as magnificent as reported, and worse. At certain moments, it felt like a riot was going to break out. As usual, I was detachedly fascinated, marveling at how people were losing themselves in heated passion, even the top leaders on both sides, and wondering why I was merely assessing and dissembling the situation so casually in my head.

Of course, the takeover was wrong. But I am stunned at how unprepared these people were in their responses, be it from previous interviews or that day on stage. C’mon, at least put up a decent fight and say something intelligent and sensible. Your most memorable quotes have become mocked instant classics, how sad is that. Even your supporters who spoke up were jokers, coming across as possibly insane. So it was pretty much a lop-sided fight and that, is absolutely disappointing and odd. What in the world could have motivated you to destroy your name and reputation in such a kamikaze way? Those sitting on stage were rude, petty and infantile. Whether it was tactical or otherwise, Ms Lau carried herself well, being a gentle and polite speaker. Unfortunately, the best responses were bimbotic to say the least. For everyone else up there, apart from stating brute hard facts (I estimated we spent 90k) and repeating tired phrases such as “we shall consult the legal counsel”, “please sit down and conduct yourself in an orderly manner” – probably to buy that few precious seconds to think, or breathe in deeply – they reacted pretty much in alignment in general: obfuscated the point and 答非所问, completely ignoring the issues brought up and 答非所问 again or made empty statements that 答非所问 once more. If you insist on the right to reply, can we then have something with substance, please?

On the other hand, it was touching to see the founding members and long-time members speaking up one after another with flair and emotion. Still, it begged the question if it had mattered so much, why did they lapse in their vigilance. You can’t deny it was probably living in a comfortable zone, with a good measure of complacency thrown in. They might be very passionate and dedicated, and successful in their research and clinics, but it was happening in a vacuum. You can’t go very far without publicity and marketing these days. Besides, I dare say they have very little chances of attracting members in the first place (if it were an initiative within their primary radar at all), if people who have studied feminist theory like myself are not, ironically, that aware of their diverse work (and it was not focused upon by our professors either!). And even if I were somewhat aware, I was always somewhat unconvinced and dubious too about what it stands for. So if I, who have feminist sentiments and am sympathetic to the movement, have not been won over, what chance do they have with the uninformed masses?

(and so, I joined because of two things: to ensure religion does not infiltrate the secular – this must be condemned and stopped immediately; now that AWARE is shaken out of its long reverie, maybe it can be a start to something really good and if it’s something I can believe in, I want to be a part of it too)

For me, it was most inspiring to see my professor (of feminist theory) speaking up for feminism and what it stands for and why the newly ousted exo cannot be the ones leading. She has only just joined as a new member too, and is living testimony that academics do not always hide in their ivory towers. An ex-honours classmate spoke too and she’s the rare few who definitely exceeded her 3-minute speech and completing it with no one minding. She’s the sort who rarely spoke in class then, and fights for airtime only on things she really cares about, and so her unexpected delivery was quite moving to me too.

I’m most proud to see so many familiar faces that turned up. And I guess we did make a collective difference. Hell, I’m proud that the government did not intervene either. Good job everyone and please stay that way. It’s our only chance grow progressively as a society.

In any case, moral of the story is: Things don’t end with a successful conquest. It’s only the very, very beginning. There has to be story development from there. This is something founding members and long-time members have to etch in mind now that they have their NGO back. You lost previously because you do not have a plan for membership continuity and renewal. You can win now because your rivals do not have a plan at all after winning the elections. As a new member who was (and still is) academically interested and suspicious in/of the existence of your organisation, I hope you have a plan now and I look forward to being engaged in a meaningful and dignified dialogue to dispel my doubts for good.