The Angelinesque Project: Day 1

365 days. But no recipes. Or remedies either. Just one girl versus the world she once believed to be her oyster. She will not cave in; she will not be clammed in. She will give her life the makeover, and she has exactly a year to do that. There will be daily blogging to show her progress and the lack of. Big, lofty goals do not belong to this incubating period. We are talking about actively doing something small, yet significant and tangible every day that she can derive happiness and satisfaction from.

How far will this project go? How strange can she stray to ensure her well-being? We can only count, and write, and review, one day at a day.

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Yes, this idea came from watching Julie and Julia. I love eating, but I can’t cook at this point. Just thinking about its dire aftermath ie washing up suffices to throttle any burgeoning interest stirred up by the movie. So does doing the math for investing in cooking equipment and remembering I don’t have an oven at home.

But, hey, I can be the quintessential cubicle rat and Singapore drone who is tired of waiting and working hard for her big break. I need to find a way of having my breakthrough in life without relying too much on luck, love and opportunity. If they are there, well and good. If they are not appearing any time soon, I have better create something within the bounds of my control.

I’m a Julie in my Angelinesque way. I am a writer, and an unpublished one too. I have completed and unfinished manuscripts laying around somewhere. I have started to write songs, with bigwigs in the industry saying I have potential, and I have yet to publish any songs as well. I have also been blogging for nearly five years, with lesser and lesser entries materialising in the last two years. The limited postings really mean I am mellowing in a manner that I disagree with.

Writing less is most disagreeable and that is something I am going to right immediately.

Well. Oh Well.

FB says his status has changed from being in a relationship to married.

With the wisdom of hindsight, rhetoric questions are begged. The most pertinent being why he would want to contact me the week before that. All reasons would be excuses and just as futile.

Looking back, I am mostly relieved that things didn’t work out along the way when I still was in it entirely for the thrill and fun while the agenda-ed party was already sussing me out as a potential life partner ie marriageable material.

Did I ever think boyfriend? Yes. Did I ever think husband? Never. And it would not have been fair to either of us. I would hate the invisible pressure and he would get nowhere. Seriously, if we were together now, and he were to propose, I would say not now, if not an honest no.

I am not ready to be someone’s wife and I see it as me having to give up so, so much just to be a legally bound team.

I am happy to cruise along socially. I may not be seeing anyone new now on a regular basis but I still date within my incestuous pool of guy friends. Ha. But really. Familiarity is so comforting these days.

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That’s me in the Forum page of Saturday’s ST. The one about the marathon.

原谅我就是这样的女生

Sms received at 9.53am today.

Good morning Angeline. On this cold and wet morning, I’m attempting to bridge this awkward lack of contact between us for the last 1 year plus. Lack of time could be a side reason, though lack of determination could be more likely. Would you want to meet up sometime this week for dinner?

From Mr Dimples.

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Is there anything more he could say, that could make things any different, to make me feel any differently about him?

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I heard from mutual friends that he has proposed to his girlfriend sometime back.

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May I continue to ignore him?

Addendum: The only possible (and warranted) response is status quo ie. dignified silence. What can we talk about, like really. His happiness? His unhappiness? Both will be just as unsavoury. Granted I can't prevent him from checking me on FB, but I can make a determined effort effortlessly to keep him out of my real life. Just don't reply.

Anyway, I have already given due respect and accountability to our "past" by asking close friends in-the-know about us. Yes, I just needed that poll, even though it won't change the outcome. I must admit the sudden and totally unexpected sms did disrupt my day and made me pause to think seriously at one point about agreeing to meet up. But what if he brings his fiancee and I think even worse of him than I do now? But what if I started articulating my previous anger and angst, and I just appear sore and petty in front of a very tired man who simply wants to renew a cherished friendship?

Let it end with my silence unbroken and my dignity intact. Let me continue to be that little mystery and enigma he thinks about now and then during quieter moments.

I need to thank Mr Dimples all the same. He reminds me of my younger self with his rather relentless, unwavering ways of extorting a response. Once upon a time, with Mr Veins, I sent similar occasional unorthodox smses that hit the wall. There are similarities here and I believe I have found my closure, the reasons why Mr Veins did what he did (not).

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我不够认份 所以怕再为谁作出牺牲
爱要有天份 所以我始终学不会放任
我不够天真 不允许我傻傻的等
对自己残忍 多残忍 我要有分寸

我太过认真 所以才相信所谓的永恒
爱让人恍神 所以止不住不小心沉沦
我太负责任 不允许有太多悔恨
对自己坦诚 多坦诚 我自有分寸

无辜的人 很需要叹气声
我只是无辜的人 很需要叹气声

有一些文字的吻 只留给伤过的人
明知道有些问题 没有答案还是要问

原谅我 因为我就是 这样的
原谅我 因为我就是 这样的女生