Bitter The Bitten

I have a question: if I were calm and unfazed in the face of calamity, does it trivalise and discredit what happened and makes it easy to dismiss because I am purportedly taking it well?

One more: since when does the refusal to go into hysteria and histrionics get interpreted rudely as nonchalance and disinterest?

I guess it really is a two way street. He can pose the exact same questions to me and send me reeling since I am unhappy at his neutrality. I haven’t asked him but I’m dying to.

Feeling particularly angsty and embittered. Now that I am running around trying to buy back what I have lost after doing the practical stuff ie IC replacement, bank cards, I have had time to think and feel, and I am very sorry to announce that the ugly beast of rationality has raised its head.

I felt resentful for the greater part of today. I suspect I will bear a grudge against Mr Dimples forever for this. I despise him for not issuing a formal apology stating it was also his fault and for not even pretending to offer to buy me back some of the stolen items to offset my losses. His aftermath reaction was one of helpless sheepishness at best.

I had a long talk on msn with Best Friend who contributed to my bitterness before this. Like I told her, I had tried darnest to be fair to Mr Dimples, to give benefit of the doubt and crap like that, and in the process, concluded that taking my resentment to its logical conclusion, I should be (and did end up) pretty mad at everyone else who knew about my “suffering”.

I was thinking that Mr Dimples had not acted like a good friend or exhibited signs of basic human decency through extraordinary insensitivity. But then as I tried to reason with myself, there are so many others whom I can be mad at because they had not been able to give me what I want or to pre-empt my immediate needs (to feel cared for and concerned by) despite knowing what happened. Let me stress here it’s nothing about $$$ but more of how my friends can display their support and make me feel less shitty. For example, You could have offered to paid for last night’s dinner as a token gesture but you did not – we went Dutch. Another example: You did not probe deeply enough into how your phone plan works for my sake. And there’s You and You, where Mr Dimples failed, you two could have suggested all three chipped in to buy back one item for me.

Only two on my msn asked me what happened and no one was concerned enough to call me. Another You who asked, I was in no mood to reply, I thought You could have called given our years of friendship. I din reply and You moved on without finding out. That was disappointing too. Shall I include the blog lurkers while I’m at it? Why not, You suck too for not caring about me!!!!

Yups, it was a damn lousy day whereby I hated the world and the world doesn’t care.

But back to Best Friend, we had a talk and I feel significantly less bitter and disillusioned.

Just because you don’t ask doesn’t mean you don't love me any more right?

But I just wish I can feel Your care and concern and not having to pathetically self-justify and 自圆其说 that you do look out for me.

I Became A Statistic Today

In a nutshell, I was thrilled this morning. And a thrilling time I did have which peaked in mid-afternoon when I experienced being robbed for the first time in my so-called life.

I was actually sitting in a car with three male friends when this took place. We had stopped because of a jam building up and the next thing I knew, two guys on a motorbike sped past to open the car door on my side (I was seated snugly next to the driver) and made off with my bag!! I screamed, jumped out of the car and bumped headlong into this other guy on motorbike who just “happened” to be in my way. The suspicions only came on hindsight when we reasoned they were probably in cahoots and the guy on the second motorbike was buying time for his mates. But I was crazily brave enough to grab the guy and yell can you bring my bag back please like in Hollywood blockbuster movies. It was futile and foolish, and no one knows reality better than I do. After letting go of the motorist, I got into the car to tell my stunned companions (who were rudely awakened from their reverie by my screams) that well, I have been mugged; it’s hopeless to chase; now can everyone please start calling the various credit card companies on my behalf so that I can cancel them.

I lost my Calvin Klein shoulder/hand tote, my Coach wallet, my less than two months old Nokia 7390, my Fuji FinePix F11 (which is no longer on the market), my IC, my glasses, and hair accessories and S$250 in cash. Total damage ie to replace everything should make me 2K poorer.

I reckon I have been very lucky to emerge unharmed and unscathed. Given the swiftness and deftness of the execution by the robbers, they are old hands at this. They could jolly well have stabbed me for fun while they were at it. And for that, so could the motorist on the second bike, especially since I actually jumped outta the car and grabbed him. *shudders* quite scary hor. In any case, it was also fortuitous that I have my passport in Mr Dimples’ car compartment (somehow I decided to put it there in the morning) so I could still return to Singapore without hassle.

While I don’t blame anyone for this turn of events (except myself for being lazy and just grab and go my workbag for a road trip instead of using ratty stuff and changing into disgusting wallets/or not bring at all, and also the overall lack of self-vigilance), I am surprised that Mr Dimples does not have the habit of locking the car doors when he is driving. I always assume he locks. A permanently wrong assumption that has a hefty price tag. Like really. If I had known he doesn’t lock, I would have insisted he does!

Well I’m still here, still alive, still whole and healthy. Thank goodness for that. Trust me, I feel weak with gratitude whenever it occured to me how close shave it was that things can turn bloodily nasty.

And thanks to The Three Young Men, Best Friend and my sis for making it less painful.

The sad thing is, during the aftermath, I kept having flashbacks of inane thoughts going along the lines of: Mr Veins would never have let this happened to me!!! Not just that he would have locked his doors and made sure I’m safe, but that there wouldn’t be any chance of this happening. He would nag me to death first about taking a slingbag (though to be fair, I dun think that would make any difference if I were also sitting inside the car), to take the barest essentials and stuff like that. And I would have listened. All his reminders during our last trip together resurfaced this morning as I hurried out of the door and I thought defiantly: Hur, l’m going places without you!

And then again, Mr Veins would not have driven to Johor and I had a good time during the road trip, even though we never found the legendary Bak Kut Teh I wanted. And I was robbed there where it purportedly was somemore, oh the cruel irony!

To read the account of the car robbery from the male’s perspective (not the driver but the passenger), click here.

That Place We Almost Go

It happened in 2004: the KL road trip that he, the organiser, backed out in the very last leg after train tickets were bought because he had to attend a distant primary school friend’s wedding (who issued him a last minute invitation), during which he called me to check how I feel and consult on how to choose in the middle of the night and sounded genuinely confused and I feigned understanding but was damn unhappy privately to the extent I wanted to pull out myself. No one knew how miserable the consummate actress was then but me. And I wouldn’t admit to consummate actress the holiday was ruined because of an absence.

In 2005, he said we are going to Malaysia together and we sorta did.

Fast forward 2007: I am finally, really going on a road trip to Malaysia in 1.5 hours’ time. Johor to be exact. Mr Dimples will be driving and I shall stop thinking about 2004 & 2005.

Every Day Is A Lesson In Mediocrity No More

Boredom + restlessness is a lethal combination. The need to live (spiff) up each day to the fullest is more kitschy than kosher but it is a mantra I hold dear.

This weekend sees me signing up for express driving lessons and $888 poorer as a result.

I watched Stomp The Yard alone for inspiration (I confess to a weakness for dance movies) despite watching 300 with WY the night before. The pecs and abs in Stomp The Yard were more impressive and the men infinitely more desirable.

Tonight, more pecs and abs to be expected in The Swimming Instructor for me to pass judgement together with 3 other men with lesser pecs and abs.

I once said with great angst that the everyday is a lesson in mediocrity. Well, it is gonna be no more because I shall register for other classes. Who is to dictate I have to put up with frustrating mediocrity from an entity of crass and cess. If I can’t rely on You for something bright, I will shine happily in my own brilliance. You can’t block me, baby. And I ain't waiting no more for illuminating teachings. It was the wrong thing I signed for many years ago. But I can put it right.

*

M Dimples: Hi, was in Ipoh for holiday for the last few days. Not stranded in America lah.

Me: I’m going to places too! Just signed up for express driving classes.

Mr Dimples: I hope that you have knowledge of the sexist views tha I hold towards female drivers. Despite that, I wish you all the best in your endeavour and prove you are slightly different from the bunch.

Me: Alas, there are not enough eligible men to drive the eligible women around. I would much prefer not to prove you wrong so that you can stay manfully chauvinistic but independence is forcing me to the wheel.

War & Peace

I reached the zenith of tranquility at three separate points during our 3 day escapade from Real Life (to Sentosa Spa & Resort) during which I yelped excitedly (and cheese-ily) to Best Friend: This is it!!! I feel at peace!!! It’s quite amazing, considering I found serenity rather boring most of the time, and thus despite it being usually lost to me and on me, the absence strikes as a good thing when I bother to reflect on its apparent non-existence (which is hardly because more often than not, I stress myself and everyone else out trying to lead an exciting and therefore fulfilling life even if the logic of one leading the other is obviously missing). The serendipitous findings made me surprisingly happy, and I’m only beginning to appreciate that a placid period (though hopefully still not of overdrawn mediocrity and normalcy) has its strange draws.

The calming revelation happened once when I was dining with Best Friend at The Cliff on the first day. Never mind that The Cliff was not as grand as the names suggests, or that I have tasted much better European cuisine at Il Divo and even Ember. Just reclining on the couch and chatting about the inconsequential and non sequitur while overlooking at the sunset and the ships in the horizon made me very contented. This level of bliss hit optimal level when night fell.

After an hour of Swedish massage and countless cups of raspberry tea and opening up our pores in the indoor hot Jacuzzi on the second day, Best Friend decided she had to tan by the pool. I became the modern day equivalent of Sun Wu Kong in his Shui Lian Dong by devising an ingenious way to stay out of the sun while being in the pool. I dragged the floating mattress into the concave section of the man-made waterfalls and parked myself there for a good half an hour. Relaxing in the pool, away from the sun, watching the water cascading down fro inside the cave while thinking about nothing in general, I attained another state of Nirvana.

The second night was spent looking (frantically so) for clubbing attire in Vivocity before we were to enter Dragonfly. I was really under-clad (and not the clubbing kind of under-clad either) while Best Friend was under the ludicrous illusion she’s just as underdressed (she's so not, can). We spiffed ourselves up by buying a white jacket (which I can wear to work and play) and gray ragamuffin cap respectively for instant not-so-cheap chic at River Island. Dragonfly was all right, but I thought the 45 min break in between sets were way too long. Lovely was the fact it was Ladies Night which we didn’t know and were already prepared to pay to get in. So hey, free entry and two drinks each. In any case, we reached the place at 8pm and left by 10pm which meant we were in time to catch the free shuttle back to the hotel. It was so cool not to worry about or do anything (referring in particular to not having to jostle for cabs and not working the day after so no self-imposed curfew and home being 15 min drive away) and live for the frivolous moment that I had another shattering orgasm by courtesy of this creature called peace. 此时此刻，我确实与世无争。

I’m happy! Waking up two mornings in a row to go for leisurely strolls along the beach, spying insects and peacocks and birds, making inane breakfast chatter, sharing the bathroom with Best Friend and pottering away at the face, the hair together, it feels good, and it feels right. Defying all reason, I learn over the weekend it doesn’t take much to experience peace and happiness. Well, maybe a little money and time to invest in the harvesting.



Me making a face upon seeing Best Friend's super slender frame which you can catch a teasing glimpse of through the reflection from my shades. Oh! The cruel ironies of life! No photos of us together will be shown on this blog until I get thinner or Best Friend gets fatter. I look ridiculously bad next to her.






Presenting the Best Friend in a first ever photo appearance on this blog. She says cheerily: Ha! I'm flipping through the menu and I am slim! I can eat! Urgh.






Okay okay. You win but I have lovely wavy hair. Whatever.





My oasis of serenity can be found here. I'm peace-loving after all, damn.




Despite all precautions, still freckled and chao-da. Ahhhhhh. I saw new freckles. Kid you not.


Other things to look forward to:
1. The Phantom of the Opera (Invite)
2. Ukulele concert (Invite)
3. 251 (self-funded)
4. The Swimming Instructor (self-funded)
5. Grasshopper concert (status unknown)

I'm ready to face The World & Real Life again.