Sleepless in Singapore

The last time I remembered feeling this shitty on a Friday night, I said my good-byes the immediate Monday.

The only difference is, in less than 6 hours, I will be seeing the same motley bunch again.

Can someone save me from these headless chickens? I need a fast exit.

:(

人生有几个十年

明明知道是被世俗商业化的无聊数字游戏，不过，无功无过的顺理成章从2字头升级到3字头，进化到熟女阶段，还是会带来不安。左看右看都不象30岁的我，自认还有少女情怀的我，深刻体会时间的有限，可能来日真的没那么方长。

过去的30年，患得患失的感激和遗憾一直在交错。当梁静茹唱把失去活成一种获得，我在揣摩最后拥有的，是不是所求。强悍的自尊心，为我挡得太多太多；可能就是这样，垂手可得的简单幸福终究离也自己好远好远，总有临门一脚的感慨。有些事就是有转机的局面、有挽回的余地，我竟选择坐以待旦，非要他人他事送上门不可。毕竟洪姑娘有的是时间长期奋战，来硬的，我就是等(玩)得过你。

不过，现在，30岁后的我务必要更积极、更坦然的面对自己的梦想和人生。那些苟且偷生，口是心非的日子不能再延续。值得我放下身段的东西有好多；值得我拥有的，是我要的，就不值得等太久了。虽然好事多磨，我原有的作风也过于拖拉了。

何必跟自己过不去？亲爱的，但愿你看到我的脱变。

From 9 To 10

The considerably long absence was because of hardware failure – it went into comatose after 8 years of dedicated service. So we decided to pull the plug and get a new one. Meanwhile, Christmas came and went; 2009 ended; and a decade was started.

And I am still here.

2009 was a strange year of hedonism, excesses and materialism. I lived and travelled slightly over a month in Japan from two trips combined – one in spring and one in autumn. I bought my first pair of Mikimoto pearls, a Miu Miu bag, a Prada tote, 3 pairs of Doc Martens diva heels of different designs but all in black/white colours, hair spa packages at Mahagony, massage package at Qimantra, lux facial packages, and of course, tons and tons of dresses. I don’t recall ever caring for such things. But somehow, if you asked me what was most memorable in 2009, I would open my cupboards to show what 2009 meant to me. And that makes me sad, even if it still brings me joy to wear and use these things. Perhaps if I were to be kinder to myself, I will say 2009 was the year I invested in myself to acquire a certain look, taste and style that would last me through the years.

Well, I did try to achieve a breakthrough by signing up for another song-writing theory/practice class. But it is of little use that everyone finds you talented when opportunity has yet to present itself for you to sell that first song. Still, I have come to realise for better or worse, I have learnt to bide my time and do what is 100% within my sphere of influence. Call me mellowed or declawed, but I am a lot less angsty now. Of course I still get indignant when well-meaning people – specifically Deputy Best Friend (DBF) – tells me it’s a waste that I have not achieved anything when there’s so much potential in my writings yada yada, but I mean it too when I defend whole-heartedly that I am making progress in my own way.

I may not have published a book or sell a song, but I am still writing, still living, still experiencing, trying very, very hard to lead an exciting life of experiences. My struggles are my own and I am enriched by them. I do desire that smooth-sailing life; yet that will make an absolutely boring book and dull song!

2009 was also a year I enjoyed true friendships at my workplace that make the everyday grind more colourful and less pained.

I also pulled no punches when it comes to spending on food. Which I tried to offset the evil of calories by signing up for my first gym membership, and that incurred a vicious cycle of spending.

I cabbed practicallly anywhere and everywhere. For at least 7 months, I cabbed daily to work. And I don’t just cab, I call to book the damn cab when my office is just 15 mins away via bus and bus. Such were my failings and shame.

So in 2010, the immediate thing I would want to stop and rectify is my natural tendency to cab. I cab to destress, and to make myself feel more collected and cool when I arrive at the office, instead of reaching there, hot and harried etc. I need to persuade myself hot and harried is OK, especially in increasingly humid Singapore. All savings can be channeled into the shopping fund.

I also started a household accounts book to keep track of my daily expenditure.

I resolve to eat less and exercise more.

So just three resolutions to take action, which should be relatively easy. I can still shop what!

(And The Angelinesque Project shall resume when I so decide)

Since 2009, I believe in making the best from a current situation and to improve the self so that we can be ready when opportunity shows itself, instead of expending time and energy in creating that opportunity. The former and the latter are really one and the same, just the the former is more sensible and workable in real life.

Make the best of 2010 – we all have the same timeframe to let it work for us!