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While I think it is sweet of my friend (and friend only, for like the best of Taiwanese idol dramas, we interact with the mutual understanding this is a totally platonic relationship that we have and he has self-declared himself as my best friend, after Ruth) to call me frequently from Hong Kong, and to msn ever so often, this unfortunately negates my interaction with other male species in so far as his ardent and passionate nature makes it a tough act to follow and top. Mr Dimples has been sadly neglected and perhaps it shall stay that way from now (apart from wishing him Happy Birthday in the later of this week). On the other hand, I’m only beginning to realise (remember) how potentially consuming it can be to really talk on the phone/msn frequently. I think I’d flip if a real lover were to do that to me.

你想要的 我却不能够给你我全部
我能给的 却又不是你想要拥有的
我们不适合也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭

你常解释这样的一切都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束
不想再约束不要再痛苦下一次会有更好的情路

Week of 26 & 27 Oct
Events of note: Held a press conference and sat through another one that had William So in Grand Shanghai restaurant. My sis spotted me on national news.

Sat - sneak preview of Stardust with Shimin. The ending was reworked into a sanitised and sappy one. Otherwise, ceteris paribus, I am happy with the adaptation of the Neil Gaimen’s novel. Charlie Cox definitely looks hotter with longish hair to frame his face while Claire Danes looks less hot as a blonde. The night blue gown she was wearing is gorgeous though. Watched Lars and The Real Girl even later at night and promptly slept through bits of it and missed the ending completely. Remade my vow never to watch a movie at night. The same thing had occurred when watching Death At A Funeral with Ruth a couple weeks back. I think it’s a sign of age. I used to laugh at Minxiu who has to sleep at some point through our movie-watching most of the time and it’s payback time.

Sun – lazy day. Read and rid the newspapers that have been piling up for the past two weeks. Crunched my way through the latest issues of trashy female magazines. Attempted to blog (ie now) and hopefully set some time aside to do English subtitling for a Cantonese musical. Talked to Po (henceforth to be known as such instead of PyJamas) on the phone.

Weekend of 19 & 20 Oct
Sat – Sat my way through Superbad which was probably my first encounter with movies of this genre (the alpha teen male answer to chick flicks like She’s A Man, Mean Girls that are my guilty indulgence) and it was a surreal experience. Was sufficiently intrigued to start sms-ing various guy friends in the middle of the movie if guys really think and act that way at that age (okay, assuming it’s something that can be outgrown – they could still be thinking and acting that way now). It’s hard to imagine my guy friends attempting actively to get laid and score when I know for a fact most are 自爱 and 检点 in so far the attempting (as opposed to the attempt to attempting, ha) has not happened. Went KTV with my broadcast group and stayed up till 1am.

Sun – Ran my first 10km race (Great Eastern) with April and achieved my not-very-high target of completing it within 1:30:00 (plus minus 15 secs). I walked a lot, no thanks to the sweltering heat and I think the thing that kept me moving fast and steady enough was the futile attempt to outran the beams of sunlight.

Signing off here ‘cos there’s no steam and there’s subtitling to do. I should really avoid lagging in blogging.

Troubled Addendum

There really is nothing a bout of old school shopping can’t fix, that $$$ can’t buy and truly, the Metro warehouse sale @Expo made me feel like a champ again. 2 jackets, 1 top (all from Additions/Celiana), 1 pair of leather boots and another pair of leather heels (all from Pierre Cardin), $225 poorer in the name of saving $254, I was the happy accomplished auntie shopper who, after elegantly and expertly shoving away what was screened and scorned, swooped, scavenged and swept away all the one of a kind items. Ahhh, victory is sweet, even if i have to savour it alone.

*

What does being vulnerable mean?

Beautante says it’s good that I, we (she and I), are self-assured creatures.

Hwee declares I have pent-up resentment towards He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named (so Harry Potter), otherwise known as Mr Veins. And drawing inspiration from her observation, my psychoanalytical take on me is that so all puffed up and blown out of proportion is my angst that it became the armour from which writings are infused with intrinsic bitterness and I so need to let go of my resentment for the vulnerability to emerge and for my writing, as far as lyrics are concerned, to have the breakthrough and my long overdue big break.

Best Friend remembers my distressing moment of weakness, when it was (mis)directed at someone else and never Mr Veins. But tears were shed only because someone was indignant and angered by her own vanity and judgment. Perhaps I was wrong.

PJ’s well-meaning remarks – that I should give his junior (ie Mr Veins) a proper burial or I should resurrect him – are utterly useless because I will never contact him. And he, without following the twisted tale, said quite unnecessarily that he doesn’t comprehend why I’m playing hard to get and 吊起来卖 – but it’s really a 无Mr Veins问津 sort of situation and I simply refuse to hang myself anymore. We got quite exasperated at each other at this point in time on msn no less.

Is there any vulnerable memory of me that you hold?

Troubled

老师说我的致命伤是抓曲feel不精准，不稳。曲feel不对，我文笔再好，也始终不如一个写得平庸肤浅曲feel却ok的填词者。她还说我的词没带出市场所向往憧憬的脆弱，并用"理直气壮"来形容我的"风格"，这点 让我深感困扰。我不否认我会刻意"理直气壮"，不过这也只是为了传达词中故事的发展。从最初任性到最终懊悔和遗憾，难道就不是柔弱吗? 有30%沉默的抗议，50%的认真检讨， 20%的莫明其妙和100%的无奈和感慨。

100%的无奈和感慨 weigh me down when I am trying to work out why there is the perceived lack of vulnerability in my songs. After all, not-so-hypothetically-speaking, if I did write with the intent of sending subliminal messages in the vain hope that it will be sung and therefore played and heard by a party who has not demonstrated and directed affection towards me for the longest of times and has by default amply crushed any hopes of even maintaining platonic ties by blatantly ignoring me, surely the subliminal messages will carry (even if at times conflicting) my nuanced vulnerability and sadness. If it doesn't, really doesn't, my heightened ability to cross refer and put things in context to see The Big Picture argues that this perceived lack of vulnerability could be The One Reason why all promising relationships end up going nowhere. Am I being seen as someone who doesn't care, who is too strongheaded, that They-Whom-I-Like are never man enough for me, or so They think. Have I been sending out all the wrong signals?

This is depressing. Because I so totally disagree. Yet I can't disprove this theory at the moment.

Bits of the forementioned invulnerable song lyric:

我在想你 是凭吊的关系
因为会可惜 写到结局 没耐性是我的败笔
很对不起

我在想你 是归零的前提
就是来不及 面对爱你 最后还是停在这里
追不上去

留下的字迹 谁能代续 好久没有你的消息
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