Nostalgia Is Evil

There are times when you just feel, feel so 无能为力 - helpless as to how to not, how to stop because really, apart from the reeling-from-the-feeling, there isn't anything left for you to do. That's how pathetic the state of things is. I would like not to care about anything and ironically, that feeling is what I cling to for dear life, simply because: I fear if I don't remember occasionally, what I am losing will be so much more. I have already lost, and what's left keeps me going. I aspire to be a better person in so many ways. Living to prove a point is always painful, when you are not sure how that point can be driven home to a party you wish to attend and miss.

Nostalgia is a terrible thing. And I hope I'm making most of this up just so I can have a legitimate reason to put up this set of lyrics.

我只想知道你快不快乐
有没有遇见更懂你的人

闭上眼风在吹 又是这个季节
偶然经过那条街 熟悉的气味令人怀念
也许只有我的心比当时老一点

错过的从前能不能回头说抱歉
这么些年我一直还记得那些欠你的誓言

我只想知道你快不快乐有没有遇见更懂你的人
阳光下好想念你微笑的眼神

选好旅行的地点才想起那是你的心愿
不知不觉我始终把你的话放在我心里面
错过的从前我好想对你说抱歉

爱过的人还住在记忆中一直没有说再见
爱恨都已不再

我只是不能不关心你
我只是想听你的声音
错过的从前我好想对你说抱歉
爱过的人还住在记忆中一直没有说再见

夜里流星飞渡 想象着他日的路途 晚风听着我们壮志无数

I ran 5km under 30 minutes for the SHAPE run this morning!!! For someone who has only been running for an average of once a week for a month, and not at all for the last two weeks (thanks to work and a non-work course I signed up for that would er, run, for the same two weeks - that coincided with the SHAPE and Terry Fox runs – in the evenings), I think I did decently and give (yes, present tense) myself a pat on the back.

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I’m doing everything I can short of killing myself through exhaustion to make life existentially meaningful and worth living.

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Since the last entry, a lot has happened that I cannot bring myself to blog about. Suffice to say, I’m confused. Nevertheless, through the unnecessary trials and tribulations I had to go through, the one thing that has emerged - still shining and pure and good – is a long distance friendship that was once casually cast aside due to the headstrong nature of both parties. It’s true that absence makes the heart grows fonder. While four years apart still failed to induce any desire to rip off his clothes (ha!), it was enough for me to think well of my friend and be excited at seeing him again each time. Possessing the ardent and passionate nature of a familiar lover, the intelligent company of my friend pleases me and saw me through the dark week. He had flown into Singapore to watch a play together and did his best (very well done for a male of the species) to make me happy, for it had been a week of letdowns on most accounts for me. Even just before boarding the plane back to HK, he had tried to reach me but I missed the call. So we continue with long distance phone calls and msn chats, and now I like my friend enough to introduce my best friend to him. Isn’t it strange how you can live without a person once dear and close to you and how easily retractable the same statement is. I’m glad we are back into each other’s lives again and I wish more of those close and dear to me are as ardent and passionate.

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I think I’m lonely. Ever since my sis started working as a reporter and clocking 12 hour shifts on a close to daily basis, I don’t know what to do for dinner and during weekends. Objectively speaking, it also heightens my personal sense of despair and desperation to break out and get out as my sis is living and breathing her dream job and here I am, still the drifter, the airy-fairy writer wannabe who wonders when will I, will I be famous, as the song goes and the story gives way.

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The smartest thing I’ve done so far for 2007, apart from setting and achieving running goals, is signing up for my song writing class. It returns me to a class environment where I’m in a position of control and influence.