Ruminations On A Presence And A Past No Longer Present
Tonight, while meeting someone I was rather fond of, I found myself on the defensive once more, when she popped the two questions I hate and dread most.
She: Why don't you rebond your hair? Then you can be a 美少女...
Me: I'm already a 美少女, albeit with curls...and I don't like rebonded hair...*getting flustered and agitated* I like it the way it is.
I hate justifying and explaining the natural state of things. It is absolutely pointless. The right question, surely, is: Why are you rebonding your hair (Or, why should I rebond my hair)?
Which is incidentally the question I want to ask Hwee - Darling, why you go and rebond again?? Embrace natural beauty!!
Anyhow, curls are in, and he prefers me in curls (which is quite irrelevant, of course), and I'm comfortable (with) and confident of how I look. So there, all you people who keep pestering me to consider rebonding. Talk about stupid peer pressure. Go and curl your hair instead for a sassier, sexier look than the dime-a-dozen, lousy, limp and lacklustre locks!! Surely curly hair is more versatile and easier to style differently (bun with tendrils, english schoolgirl pony tail, braiding etc etc) . It just looks better (imagine a bun with rebonded hair - the hair will just poke out in a ridiculous manner) effortlessly and casually, even when wind-blown and tousled. So. Shut up.
And then, the ubiquitous question that everyone asks eventually -
She: Are you attached? Who's the lucky person?
Me: Er...
Like I wrote before, I am one pathetic helluva helpless and hesitant creature in the face of such blunt, superficial question that assumes all relationships to be linearly lovey-dovey. Really. It's like, how come everyone is having a "normal" relationship and there's no category I fit into. Theoretically, I'm not attached in the proper, acknowledged context as deemed by most. But. But.
Me: Not really. I'm going out. But it's not an exclusive relationship. At least we have never claimed it to be (the latter being something I added as an afterthought). *After more afterthoughts* Actually, we are just good friends, lar.
And as I said it, I believed it. Believe that it is good enough to have illicitly pleasurable moments together now and then, and that we are friendly friends. After all, what's in a name?
身份，不一定得靠個名分賜予。
We are okay the way we are. It's only difficult to account and explain to outsiders why do we put up; how do we stand such a mode of interaction etc. But we are answerable and responsible to The Other, only. Don't forget, we are sado-masochists, and just good friends.
*
But I forgave my senior, whom I haven't seen in 5 years, for traumatising me with the 2 tiresome questions. I think she's badly traumatised by my replies.
*
I have gatherings to look forward to. A mini HL one that consists of me, Hwee, Ezo and Wanying (unless anyone cares to invite anyone else); a mini TJC orientation one that has me, April, Jasmine (who was seated next to me on the train last week through an amazing stroke of luck and we exchanged nos) and Lingxiu, and perhaps Dennis will join in; one with me and Wang Yun (another senior I was similarly fond of previously and almost as long lost), and I hope I can see Kaile and Jude and Chin-yi real soon to boot. Hope everyone is well and good.
*
It's the one year anniversary of the death of a friendship. I'm not mourning; I'm acknowledging. He was good when (and while) he lasted. A year later, I'm ready to make it part of my 文藝愛情小說 selections. It's my hollow tribute to us, to celebrate that we both made extremely wise decisions a year ago. It's also a way of thanking, that he was there, when he wasn't, and for a very brief, convincing moment, made me understand it was quite possible to lead a life without. And subsequently, for bringing me to the realisation that no one can come close either to the original I had tried to run away so hard from.
He had asked if he were a substitute. But I don't see how that can be important anymore. Just like whether I have liked him would make a difference.
Knowing that I will write again gives me an orgasm.
*
From a year ago (The foreshadowing is uncanny) :
Dear love,
I am listening even as you refuse to speak
Of clichés that matter most. Sunny skies will never be
Ashamed of our darkness even if I am scared of answers.
Silence is on a winning streak, you know well so that I do know.
It stuns me (stunts me, you fool) meaningfully
Into misreading kind intentions,
Happily ignorant and ignoring of questions
That surface during the tossing summer
So candidly and carefully as you
Master the manly love and,
Shelter and steer our lives
From passionate whoring pain
(I forgive you. It was the only way we know how).
So above us lies a staring heaven we shall never know: You say it
Best in a story that has less to teach than to tell about her.
Neither excuse nor encouragement to say so that you do, or
Maybe it really should be you don’t, that you don’t, really.
It was a good escape for you, indeed so, for
I can never be reasonable; I just want to be safe
When I don’t see why you cannot risk madness
And fall into my arms. Now we are both safe and I hope
At least one of us is pleased.
Me, I take away pride and leave myself
Here, but here, and here, how can, or can it, be any different
When we write away, waste away
In words instead of worlds?
I think I am safe still, all too safe, but safe. You will
Pretend never to discover my presence
In your writings like how
I feign it is never about you
(Taking a step forward, I hold my breath).
Dear love,
My fingers fumble in your hand
And you drop them impatiently
For we have neither time nor energy to think through
Only that we are so, so, so sure
We are never lovers, can never be
(Nor friends either for we cut too deeply for that)
But we can be dreamers, as we dream now
Of a sweet future together somewhere else
Where we write of love
And there is no need for you to say.
But love, dear love,
I listen with you to the silence still
When no words remain and
There is no need to listen to you.
Dear Love
Angeline Ang©
All rights reserved
She: Why don't you rebond your hair? Then you can be a 美少女...
Me: I'm already a 美少女, albeit with curls...and I don't like rebonded hair...*getting flustered and agitated* I like it the way it is.
I hate justifying and explaining the natural state of things. It is absolutely pointless. The right question, surely, is: Why are you rebonding your hair (Or, why should I rebond my hair)?
Which is incidentally the question I want to ask Hwee - Darling, why you go and rebond again?? Embrace natural beauty!!
Anyhow, curls are in, and he prefers me in curls (which is quite irrelevant, of course), and I'm comfortable (with) and confident of how I look. So there, all you people who keep pestering me to consider rebonding. Talk about stupid peer pressure. Go and curl your hair instead for a sassier, sexier look than the dime-a-dozen, lousy, limp and lacklustre locks!! Surely curly hair is more versatile and easier to style differently (bun with tendrils, english schoolgirl pony tail, braiding etc etc) . It just looks better (imagine a bun with rebonded hair - the hair will just poke out in a ridiculous manner) effortlessly and casually, even when wind-blown and tousled. So. Shut up.
And then, the ubiquitous question that everyone asks eventually -
She: Are you attached? Who's the lucky person?
Me: Er...
Like I wrote before, I am one pathetic helluva helpless and hesitant creature in the face of such blunt, superficial question that assumes all relationships to be linearly lovey-dovey. Really. It's like, how come everyone is having a "normal" relationship and there's no category I fit into. Theoretically, I'm not attached in the proper, acknowledged context as deemed by most. But. But.
Me: Not really. I'm going out. But it's not an exclusive relationship. At least we have never claimed it to be (the latter being something I added as an afterthought). *After more afterthoughts* Actually, we are just good friends, lar.
And as I said it, I believed it. Believe that it is good enough to have illicitly pleasurable moments together now and then, and that we are friendly friends. After all, what's in a name?
身份，不一定得靠個名分賜予。
We are okay the way we are. It's only difficult to account and explain to outsiders why do we put up; how do we stand such a mode of interaction etc. But we are answerable and responsible to The Other, only. Don't forget, we are sado-masochists, and just good friends.
*
But I forgave my senior, whom I haven't seen in 5 years, for traumatising me with the 2 tiresome questions. I think she's badly traumatised by my replies.
*
I have gatherings to look forward to. A mini HL one that consists of me, Hwee, Ezo and Wanying (unless anyone cares to invite anyone else); a mini TJC orientation one that has me, April, Jasmine (who was seated next to me on the train last week through an amazing stroke of luck and we exchanged nos) and Lingxiu, and perhaps Dennis will join in; one with me and Wang Yun (another senior I was similarly fond of previously and almost as long lost), and I hope I can see Kaile and Jude and Chin-yi real soon to boot. Hope everyone is well and good.
*
It's the one year anniversary of the death of a friendship. I'm not mourning; I'm acknowledging. He was good when (and while) he lasted. A year later, I'm ready to make it part of my 文藝愛情小說 selections. It's my hollow tribute to us, to celebrate that we both made extremely wise decisions a year ago. It's also a way of thanking, that he was there, when he wasn't, and for a very brief, convincing moment, made me understand it was quite possible to lead a life without. And subsequently, for bringing me to the realisation that no one can come close either to the original I had tried to run away so hard from.
He had asked if he were a substitute. But I don't see how that can be important anymore. Just like whether I have liked him would make a difference.
Knowing that I will write again gives me an orgasm.
*
From a year ago (The foreshadowing is uncanny) :
Dear love,
I am listening even as you refuse to speak
Of clichés that matter most. Sunny skies will never be
Ashamed of our darkness even if I am scared of answers.
Silence is on a winning streak, you know well so that I do know.
It stuns me (stunts me, you fool) meaningfully
Into misreading kind intentions,
Happily ignorant and ignoring of questions
That surface during the tossing summer
So candidly and carefully as you
Master the manly love and,
Shelter and steer our lives
From passionate whoring pain
(I forgive you. It was the only way we know how).
So above us lies a staring heaven we shall never know: You say it
Best in a story that has less to teach than to tell about her.
Neither excuse nor encouragement to say so that you do, or
Maybe it really should be you don’t, that you don’t, really.
It was a good escape for you, indeed so, for
I can never be reasonable; I just want to be safe
When I don’t see why you cannot risk madness
And fall into my arms. Now we are both safe and I hope
At least one of us is pleased.
Me, I take away pride and leave myself
Here, but here, and here, how can, or can it, be any different
When we write away, waste away
In words instead of worlds?
I think I am safe still, all too safe, but safe. You will
Pretend never to discover my presence
In your writings like how
I feign it is never about you
(Taking a step forward, I hold my breath).
Dear love,
My fingers fumble in your hand
And you drop them impatiently
For we have neither time nor energy to think through
Only that we are so, so, so sure
We are never lovers, can never be
(Nor friends either for we cut too deeply for that)
But we can be dreamers, as we dream now
Of a sweet future together somewhere else
Where we write of love
And there is no need for you to say.
But love, dear love,
I listen with you to the silence still
When no words remain and
There is no need to listen to you.
Dear Love
Angeline Ang©
All rights reserved
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