Seeing The Last Of Angsty August
The last day of August sees me remarkably angsty. Once again, I can't see a proper future ahead and I'm bored, despite all appearances of being busy. I need something more decent and reliable, something that makes me feel good about myself. If I can't achieve orgasms from working, I need my romances and affairs, pseudo ones obviously.
Angst was compounded when she used a word that I took quiet offence at. Sure, in the light of context and her moods, it was probably one of those say-and-forget remarks, but I took it darkly. The word in question is "co-ordinate" - she reminded I was merely co-ordinating. Which is not exactly false since we all do some amount of c0-ordinate here and then. But. But I unhappy lor. I certainly don't see myself as a c0-ordinator, even my namecard reads something other. So that kind of spoilt my already spoilt day.
And feeling all the pent-up angst just means it's the cue to parade all my despair and desperation in a seemingly deadend situation, yet again! When can I get out? When can I do something I truly love? When can I regain my dignity and start utilising the reserves of brainy cells? When can I feel proud of myself again?
I'm not a bad person. I just want to take pride in what I do. Granted it's a much improved situation from the first 8 months of utter shit, but I feel deprived, somewhat still, which is not to say I'm ungrateful. It's just that lately, there have been plenty of downers in my job...
Was telling my close friends at office during lunch today, that sometimes I wish I don't have a debt to be paid in kind, just so I'm free to look for jobs outside. For my current mentality is: I can get a much better job elsewhere, with better pay and better prospects, with my CV. What I so totally need is to have this mentality utterly destroyed ie to have it proven that I really can't have anything better than this, that it can be so much worse outside, I have to thank my lucky stars for my fortuitous circumstances NOW, NOW. But meanwhile, I shall go along with my current mentality.
In a bid to upgrade myself and inject apathetic excitement into indifferent causes , I was thinking of persuading HR and supervisor to sponsor me for a couple of company training courses. Final Cut Pro etc. I wasn't too sure about the diff between Avid express and Final cut (think of them as different means to the same end) so I decided to check with Minxiu and Jude, the experts. We'll skip Minxiu for now, coz I'm really tired. But anyway, turns out Jude has lost his entire list of contacts and has been waiting for me to contact him, so he claims. Dinner next week, I guess. Good news, probably. Breaks the lousy routine.
He. I suspect he is part of something that used to be quite attractive to me, except I was already bonded and hence, option was expelled by default. Anyway, I had a dream this morning about the man which made me feel good, alas the temporariness!!!
He's never going to be mine, as far as the story and reality unfold gently in my ignorance. We will stay intimate but distant, aloof but together, apart but close, in the mutual desire to confirm and confuse to steer from a conclusion. That's how it goes. That's how it will go.
Addendum: I think we could be going out over the weekend after a long hiatus from each other (minus the sms-es and calls) but I'm not that sure. Reason says we are, coz he has spoken and I'm being selfish to deny both of us an ounce of hope and happiness, and sillier to even pretend to doubt. Reality says not to panic, for it will be okay and bans me from repeating to myself the vicious cycle story I have written somewhere here. Relief says now that we have something forward to look at, please do not tense up unduly and totally ruin things for myself - relax and JUST.DON'T.EVEN.THINK.ABOUT.IT.
Happy birthday to Kaile!!! Whom I was a day late in wishing. Like Duh. I knew it!!!
Angst was compounded when she used a word that I took quiet offence at. Sure, in the light of context and her moods, it was probably one of those say-and-forget remarks, but I took it darkly. The word in question is "co-ordinate" - she reminded I was merely co-ordinating. Which is not exactly false since we all do some amount of c0-ordinate here and then. But. But I unhappy lor. I certainly don't see myself as a c0-ordinator, even my namecard reads something other. So that kind of spoilt my already spoilt day.
And feeling all the pent-up angst just means it's the cue to parade all my despair and desperation in a seemingly deadend situation, yet again! When can I get out? When can I do something I truly love? When can I regain my dignity and start utilising the reserves of brainy cells? When can I feel proud of myself again?
I'm not a bad person. I just want to take pride in what I do. Granted it's a much improved situation from the first 8 months of utter shit, but I feel deprived, somewhat still, which is not to say I'm ungrateful. It's just that lately, there have been plenty of downers in my job...
Was telling my close friends at office during lunch today, that sometimes I wish I don't have a debt to be paid in kind, just so I'm free to look for jobs outside. For my current mentality is: I can get a much better job elsewhere, with better pay and better prospects, with my CV. What I so totally need is to have this mentality utterly destroyed ie to have it proven that I really can't have anything better than this, that it can be so much worse outside, I have to thank my lucky stars for my fortuitous circumstances NOW, NOW. But meanwhile, I shall go along with my current mentality.
In a bid to upgrade myself and inject apathetic excitement into indifferent causes , I was thinking of persuading HR and supervisor to sponsor me for a couple of company training courses. Final Cut Pro etc. I wasn't too sure about the diff between Avid express and Final cut (think of them as different means to the same end) so I decided to check with Minxiu and Jude, the experts. We'll skip Minxiu for now, coz I'm really tired. But anyway, turns out Jude has lost his entire list of contacts and has been waiting for me to contact him, so he claims. Dinner next week, I guess. Good news, probably. Breaks the lousy routine.
He. I suspect he is part of something that used to be quite attractive to me, except I was already bonded and hence, option was expelled by default. Anyway, I had a dream this morning about the man which made me feel good, alas the temporariness!!!
He's never going to be mine, as far as the story and reality unfold gently in my ignorance. We will stay intimate but distant, aloof but together, apart but close, in the mutual desire to confirm and confuse to steer from a conclusion. That's how it goes. That's how it will go.
Addendum: I think we could be going out over the weekend after a long hiatus from each other (minus the sms-es and calls) but I'm not that sure. Reason says we are, coz he has spoken and I'm being selfish to deny both of us an ounce of hope and happiness, and sillier to even pretend to doubt. Reality says not to panic, for it will be okay and bans me from repeating to myself the vicious cycle story I have written somewhere here. Relief says now that we have something forward to look at, please do not tense up unduly and totally ruin things for myself - relax and JUST.DON'T.EVEN.THINK.ABOUT.IT.
Happy birthday to Kaile!!! Whom I was a day late in wishing. Like Duh. I knew it!!!
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home