Waiting
My mum's home for good since Tuesday. She has insisted discharging herself permanently from hospice and hospital, citing that she shall die on her own bed. Fair enough. And she's given herself two weeks, possibly a month if good, to live. I'm sure she's feeling her mortality intensely. How do I tell? Mum's the typical Chinese mum who doesn't openly show her affections. Like never. She cooks my favourite dishes when she thinks there's a need to be expressive. But when I visited her on Tue, she was standing by the window. Upon seeing me, she fumbled over to embrace me. I'm like, shit, oh dear. Not the best of signs. I'm sure she has missed me but she must have been terrified of leaving my sis and i forever. And it's true she's not too great now. I really don't know when time is up. No idea at all. Mum tries to speed things up a little by involving me in pitifully grand stupid plans that I refuse to participate though. So they won't work without me, yay. Illegal, besides. But such thoughts are inevitable.
Anyhow, it's mum's wish that I can be around more and so I'm at home from now till next Wed night. Apart from running errands, I don't think I shall go out. Like in case mum decides to die, at least I'm there to witness the demise. Anyway, sis's having her exams, so I shall be Nurse instead. So people who have been asking, I can't watch those movies and all, cos movies take up too much time (2hs and excluding travelling!). The only movie indulgence I will allow myself is that BJ sequel: The Edge of Reason and only within Tampines parameters too. Maybe The Incredibles, if I get to choose at all.
Still, don't despair if I fail to reply to messages and what else, I'm just either sleeping or on away mode, busy with something. The former, cos I'm still sickly, having an extremely bad cough at the moment and catching up with sleep missed since a fortnight ago.
*
I'm lucky that I have a very kind and understanding supervisor. So kind she is, she is saying on top of whatever I'll be getting from the incentive scheme, I'll also get a cut from the tickets I helped to sell. The latter is not a lot, but I'm touched by the gesture. Here's someone who tries ways to get me money. Reminding my very important meeting next Thu, she told me not to go empty-handed and thrust me the file to show as some kind of portfolio to show him what I have done and as a very natural progression, the next career step I should so gently suggest. Did you bring along the press releases, she demanded. Here, take all these as well to tell him you wrote them.
Let's hope this is a good direction to turn.
*
Ruth's (otherwise known as Best Friend) off to Hong Kong. I gave her $60 to spend and shop on my behalf. There's nothing much I can do, save living literally in a viciously vicarious manner.
*
From Waiting:
No, time may prove nothing. Actually you never loved her. You just had a crush on her, which you didn't get a chance to outgrow or to develop into love.
Yes, you mistook your crush for love. You didn't know what love was like. In fact you waited eighteen years just for the sake of waiting. You could have waited that long for another woman too, couldn't you?
Yes, you waited so many years, but for what?
All those years you waited torpidly, like a sleepwalker, pulled and pushed about by others' opinions, by external pressure, by your illusions, by the official rules you internalized. You were misled by your own frustration and passivity, believing that what you were not allowed to have was what your heart was destined to embrace.
I don't know. I suppose we could all wait for one another while waiting for something better to come along. At least in the book, Shuyu waited quietly with some success. The man who had so desperately wanted to divorce her for 18 years told her to wait for him as he waited for the second wife, whom he has divorced the former to marry the latter, to die.
Anyhow, it's mum's wish that I can be around more and so I'm at home from now till next Wed night. Apart from running errands, I don't think I shall go out. Like in case mum decides to die, at least I'm there to witness the demise. Anyway, sis's having her exams, so I shall be Nurse instead. So people who have been asking, I can't watch those movies and all, cos movies take up too much time (2hs and excluding travelling!). The only movie indulgence I will allow myself is that BJ sequel: The Edge of Reason and only within Tampines parameters too. Maybe The Incredibles, if I get to choose at all.
Still, don't despair if I fail to reply to messages and what else, I'm just either sleeping or on away mode, busy with something. The former, cos I'm still sickly, having an extremely bad cough at the moment and catching up with sleep missed since a fortnight ago.
*
I'm lucky that I have a very kind and understanding supervisor. So kind she is, she is saying on top of whatever I'll be getting from the incentive scheme, I'll also get a cut from the tickets I helped to sell. The latter is not a lot, but I'm touched by the gesture. Here's someone who tries ways to get me money. Reminding my very important meeting next Thu, she told me not to go empty-handed and thrust me the file to show as some kind of portfolio to show him what I have done and as a very natural progression, the next career step I should so gently suggest. Did you bring along the press releases, she demanded. Here, take all these as well to tell him you wrote them.
Let's hope this is a good direction to turn.
*
Ruth's (otherwise known as Best Friend) off to Hong Kong. I gave her $60 to spend and shop on my behalf. There's nothing much I can do, save living literally in a viciously vicarious manner.
*
From Waiting:
No, time may prove nothing. Actually you never loved her. You just had a crush on her, which you didn't get a chance to outgrow or to develop into love.
Yes, you mistook your crush for love. You didn't know what love was like. In fact you waited eighteen years just for the sake of waiting. You could have waited that long for another woman too, couldn't you?
Yes, you waited so many years, but for what?
All those years you waited torpidly, like a sleepwalker, pulled and pushed about by others' opinions, by external pressure, by your illusions, by the official rules you internalized. You were misled by your own frustration and passivity, believing that what you were not allowed to have was what your heart was destined to embrace.
I don't know. I suppose we could all wait for one another while waiting for something better to come along. At least in the book, Shuyu waited quietly with some success. The man who had so desperately wanted to divorce her for 18 years told her to wait for him as he waited for the second wife, whom he has divorced the former to marry the latter, to die.
7 Comments:
take care Angeline
cy
hello dear, how have you been doing these days?
working on anything worthwhile and interesting?
OK, I shall come by with Before Sunrise this weekend and we can watch that. Your mom can watch it too and hopefully the grand romanticism of it all will make her feel a little better.
im doing freelance writing at the moment. not exactly the most stable or well paying job but the hours are flexible:) ur life is most glamourous in comparison! and been reading a bit of deleuze, repetitions r always different n substitutes r never replace originals completely.
im doing freelance writing at the moment. not exactly the most stable or well paying job but the hours are flexible:) ur life is most glamourous in comparison! and been reading a bit of deleuze, repetitions r always different n substitutes r never replace originals completely.
How the hell does one find freelance writing assignments? Tell me! How come no one ever ask me to freelance? No, don't answer that :) Answer my first question. How do you get urself into it!
the assignments are infrequent but they do advertise...im doing a project for redspot now and this website called learnacourse has promised me another...nothing terribly exciting but you work from the comfort of home:)
Post a Comment
<< Home