What I Have Done
What have I done?
This question, when asked on a daily basis, serves as the constant reminder that I have to sow now in order to reap tomorrow (but usually later is when it will bear fruit, if at all).
Applied to my entire life so far, it can be a nightmare and end up as sheer rhetoric, to be shrugged off till the next panic attack.
What have I done? Have I messed up my own life? Is it too late to backpedal and be a student, far, far away from the maddening and mediocre crowd? Should I pursue something else entirely and passionately and be the flower girl of my generation?
I can no longer mull tragically in a strange, happy way on the what-ifs as I have done periodically for the last few years. It’s now or never to do what’s been in my head. Do I want it badly enough to keep moving forward?
Right now the songwriting plan is flying off to a decent start. I have met kind and encouraging industry people and it is surreal that two of them hark back to my schooldays: one being my primary school classmate whom I haven’t seen in 17 years and another being a secondary school senior whom I used to nurse an adolescent crush on. Imagine how taken aback I were when I realised both of them were teacher-student-related ie the senior mentored the friend and are closely connected. I will also be mentored by an award-winning lyricist whom I personally have a lot of respect for and we will all find out how good I am in time to come. This will be a four month long commitment that comes with a small price to pay. In the light of songwriting duties, I’m seriously considering staying put for a little while more even as we reach the end of an insufferable era: the expiry of the bond *pops champagne* I am also reviewing the possibility of professional singing lessons so that I can do live gigs. Yes, it’s another thing I always felt I had the potential to excel in but stop short of real action to mould reality from passion.
(or should I just fuck it and do that 3 year graduate law course, on top of everything else?)
Doing well in driving but I needed a temporary break so am stopping lessons till I get my mileage out of the GSS since driving lessons do eat terribly into the precious weekends.
In other trivia, PJ is flying back to Singapore 20 – 25 June and we will see each other for the first time in 4 years. He said he has matured and mellowed, no thanks to the passing of years, but I will be a better judge of that; buying a new digital camera with Mr Dimples in tow on Sunday; I’m really going to Japan 9 – 17 July and to tell myself I’m ready to go places literally, if not figuratively, I have bought a heavily discounted black Elle luggage bag for $34 ($65 paid my vouchers, original price being $229) using a cou[on and from Tangs sale, a much bigger show-stopping red travel pro one at $278 (original price $468, price slashed thanks to 20% less, $60 vouchers and using Minxiu’s rebate); trying to cultivate a professional interest in painful adult matters like the double-whammy I-s: insurance and investment and making sure I have the cashflow to buy and yet balancing delicately enough to have the liquidity to indulge in immediate gratification and shopping therapy to cope with the mediocrities in life; running the SHAPE marathon with April and Lingxiu, provided we do sign up successfully.
Watched Black Snake Moan with Minxiu. Christina Ricci has become super slender as far as I can see from the trailer.
How far can I sell out and what have I not done?
Good grief, what have I done? It seems all too easy to languish away during a period of turmoil and unrest like the female lead in Summer Palace. But what happens when we are all too calm, too contented and too contrived to be genuinely dissatisfied and doubtful of this so-called Life? My angst sticks out like the sorest of thumbs.
*
Fast forward two days later
Felt better after a KTV session with the best friend. But still feeling queasy after a horrid lunch in that purportedly very good “but it tastes gross and plasticky” ramen place in Central. Yuck! I will never go there again! Give me Maggie mee any time.
Bought the evoluted version of my old Fujifilm Fine Pix F11 (with Mr Dimples as gallant companion of the day) – F31fd which is incidentally the same one Mr Dimples has (who bought it ironically after seeing how cool my F11 was) and returned to Central to survey its potential for shopping as Best Friend and I only managed to grab food there the day before. Verdict? Not exactly my, or our, cup of tea, but I did buy a Japanese stick to bun up my hair. Had a good time at Liang Court looking at paintings and imagining what one we would buy if we had the $$$.
The nice thing about hanging out with some people is that you are almost always guaranteed of a good time.
*
The Simple Life: What if I just Marry A Good Man and be Simple?Joyance is the first of my good (and same age) friends to get married and have babies, with the second due in 6 months and sometimes, just sometimes, for the brief-est and the insane-est of moments, I actually found the notion viable and sort of attractive.
This question, when asked on a daily basis, serves as the constant reminder that I have to sow now in order to reap tomorrow (but usually later is when it will bear fruit, if at all).
Applied to my entire life so far, it can be a nightmare and end up as sheer rhetoric, to be shrugged off till the next panic attack.
What have I done? Have I messed up my own life? Is it too late to backpedal and be a student, far, far away from the maddening and mediocre crowd? Should I pursue something else entirely and passionately and be the flower girl of my generation?
I can no longer mull tragically in a strange, happy way on the what-ifs as I have done periodically for the last few years. It’s now or never to do what’s been in my head. Do I want it badly enough to keep moving forward?
Right now the songwriting plan is flying off to a decent start. I have met kind and encouraging industry people and it is surreal that two of them hark back to my schooldays: one being my primary school classmate whom I haven’t seen in 17 years and another being a secondary school senior whom I used to nurse an adolescent crush on. Imagine how taken aback I were when I realised both of them were teacher-student-related ie the senior mentored the friend and are closely connected. I will also be mentored by an award-winning lyricist whom I personally have a lot of respect for and we will all find out how good I am in time to come. This will be a four month long commitment that comes with a small price to pay. In the light of songwriting duties, I’m seriously considering staying put for a little while more even as we reach the end of an insufferable era: the expiry of the bond *pops champagne* I am also reviewing the possibility of professional singing lessons so that I can do live gigs. Yes, it’s another thing I always felt I had the potential to excel in but stop short of real action to mould reality from passion.
(or should I just fuck it and do that 3 year graduate law course, on top of everything else?)
Doing well in driving but I needed a temporary break so am stopping lessons till I get my mileage out of the GSS since driving lessons do eat terribly into the precious weekends.
In other trivia, PJ is flying back to Singapore 20 – 25 June and we will see each other for the first time in 4 years. He said he has matured and mellowed, no thanks to the passing of years, but I will be a better judge of that; buying a new digital camera with Mr Dimples in tow on Sunday; I’m really going to Japan 9 – 17 July and to tell myself I’m ready to go places literally, if not figuratively, I have bought a heavily discounted black Elle luggage bag for $34 ($65 paid my vouchers, original price being $229) using a cou[on and from Tangs sale, a much bigger show-stopping red travel pro one at $278 (original price $468, price slashed thanks to 20% less, $60 vouchers and using Minxiu’s rebate); trying to cultivate a professional interest in painful adult matters like the double-whammy I-s: insurance and investment and making sure I have the cashflow to buy and yet balancing delicately enough to have the liquidity to indulge in immediate gratification and shopping therapy to cope with the mediocrities in life; running the SHAPE marathon with April and Lingxiu, provided we do sign up successfully.
Watched Black Snake Moan with Minxiu. Christina Ricci has become super slender as far as I can see from the trailer.
How far can I sell out and what have I not done?
Good grief, what have I done? It seems all too easy to languish away during a period of turmoil and unrest like the female lead in Summer Palace. But what happens when we are all too calm, too contented and too contrived to be genuinely dissatisfied and doubtful of this so-called Life? My angst sticks out like the sorest of thumbs.
*
Fast forward two days later
Felt better after a KTV session with the best friend. But still feeling queasy after a horrid lunch in that purportedly very good “but it tastes gross and plasticky” ramen place in Central. Yuck! I will never go there again! Give me Maggie mee any time.
Bought the evoluted version of my old Fujifilm Fine Pix F11 (with Mr Dimples as gallant companion of the day) – F31fd which is incidentally the same one Mr Dimples has (who bought it ironically after seeing how cool my F11 was) and returned to Central to survey its potential for shopping as Best Friend and I only managed to grab food there the day before. Verdict? Not exactly my, or our, cup of tea, but I did buy a Japanese stick to bun up my hair. Had a good time at Liang Court looking at paintings and imagining what one we would buy if we had the $$$.
The nice thing about hanging out with some people is that you are almost always guaranteed of a good time.
*
The Simple Life: What if I just Marry A Good Man and be Simple?Joyance is the first of my good (and same age) friends to get married and have babies, with the second due in 6 months and sometimes, just sometimes, for the brief-est and the insane-est of moments, I actually found the notion viable and sort of attractive.
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