My Modern Malaise
(which sadly, is an apparent universal condition and not peculiar to me, and hence, I am no different in reacting with mock indifference, saved – alas but not saved from! - with more abandon and aggression, thus contributing again to existential anxiety and angst and anger about living in vain when it is vanity I am striving for.)
The deepest problems of modern life derive from the claim of the individual to preserve the autonomy and individuality of his existence in the face of overwhelming social forces, of historical heritage, of external culture, and of the technique of life. The fight with nature which primitive man has to wage for his bodily existence attains in this modern form its latest transformation. The eighteenth century called upon man to free himself of all the historical bonds in the state and in religion, in morals and in economics. Man's nature, originally good and common to all, should develop unhampered. In addition to more liberty, the nineteenth century demanded the functional specialization of man and his work; this specialization makes one individual incomparable to another, and each of them indispensable to the highest possible extent. However, this specialization makes each man the more directly dependent upon the supplementary activities of all others. Nietzsche sees the full development of the individual conditioned by the most ruthless struggle of individuals; socialism believes in the suppression of all competition for the same reason. Be that as it may, in all these positions the same basic motive is at work: the person resists to being leveled down and worn out by a social-technological mechanism. An inquiry into the inner meaning of specifically modern life and its products, into the soul of the cultural body, so to speak, must seek to solve the equation which structures like the metropolis set up between the individual and the super-individual contents of life.
The Metropolis and Mental Life, Georg Simmel
*
The only meaningful way to authenticate and validate my existence when not writing is a toss between voyeur-ing and flaneur-ing through plays, movies and concerts. I like to believe some answers can be found there, when we have combed through the coarser themes of life, love and lust over and over again in the careless, heartless persona we have all learnt to so carefully project. Where answers fail, inspiration falls and we can still pretend that some things really don’t matter. Like being depressed, like missing you. They will pass; they always do, so I try not to mind the haunting too much. But it gets to you and then you welcome the distractions when answers are not forthcoming (honestly, they will never come).
Just how much harder can I try to live and how much more can I run away from with no embracing end in sight?
I now place all living hopes in my yet-to-be-published novels and poetry and my songwriting buddy Hwee.
*
Someone confessed to feeling like my spare tyre. That was bizarre. Because I have gone out only once with the person. That aside, it is also not easy to be a spare tyre or substitute can. Do you know how many spares or subs there could be before you or me? How fortuitous that you are next in line and being asked at all. And lucky me that you have agreed so that we can know each other better. So that there’s always a chance that we can be the first one the next time round. Like seriously, think of when I last asked you out. If the answer is more than 6 months ago, it’s probably a combination yes, I have met more exciting people, yes, you don’t really figure in the grand schemata of things, yes, I don’t even want you to be a substitute – I think you’d suck.
Naturally other variables apply ie I love you but I love other people more, we both love each other but can never find the time, you love other people more than you love me, you have a boyfriend, and usually – you have not demonstrated sufficiently of your desire to be loved by moi etc
*
In local context, people asking for more pay should be challenged to venture beyond to see if they would command a similar paycheck, and not be indulged in their ridiculous fantasies that they are worth all that. Hell, I would know. That’s what my CEO told my seniors when collective unhappiness was raised about the salaries the monolithic industry is dishing out and that was the final word on the silenced subject. You do see the parallel and the inconsistency, don’t you. Yes, I have no doubt my CEO is paid supremely well either.
Everyday I find new reasons to leave this place and uproot from the motherland.
*
In other news, I signed up with online job engines today.
The deepest problems of modern life derive from the claim of the individual to preserve the autonomy and individuality of his existence in the face of overwhelming social forces, of historical heritage, of external culture, and of the technique of life. The fight with nature which primitive man has to wage for his bodily existence attains in this modern form its latest transformation. The eighteenth century called upon man to free himself of all the historical bonds in the state and in religion, in morals and in economics. Man's nature, originally good and common to all, should develop unhampered. In addition to more liberty, the nineteenth century demanded the functional specialization of man and his work; this specialization makes one individual incomparable to another, and each of them indispensable to the highest possible extent. However, this specialization makes each man the more directly dependent upon the supplementary activities of all others. Nietzsche sees the full development of the individual conditioned by the most ruthless struggle of individuals; socialism believes in the suppression of all competition for the same reason. Be that as it may, in all these positions the same basic motive is at work: the person resists to being leveled down and worn out by a social-technological mechanism. An inquiry into the inner meaning of specifically modern life and its products, into the soul of the cultural body, so to speak, must seek to solve the equation which structures like the metropolis set up between the individual and the super-individual contents of life.
The Metropolis and Mental Life, Georg Simmel
*
The only meaningful way to authenticate and validate my existence when not writing is a toss between voyeur-ing and flaneur-ing through plays, movies and concerts. I like to believe some answers can be found there, when we have combed through the coarser themes of life, love and lust over and over again in the careless, heartless persona we have all learnt to so carefully project. Where answers fail, inspiration falls and we can still pretend that some things really don’t matter. Like being depressed, like missing you. They will pass; they always do, so I try not to mind the haunting too much. But it gets to you and then you welcome the distractions when answers are not forthcoming (honestly, they will never come).
Just how much harder can I try to live and how much more can I run away from with no embracing end in sight?
I now place all living hopes in my yet-to-be-published novels and poetry and my songwriting buddy Hwee.
*
Someone confessed to feeling like my spare tyre. That was bizarre. Because I have gone out only once with the person. That aside, it is also not easy to be a spare tyre or substitute can. Do you know how many spares or subs there could be before you or me? How fortuitous that you are next in line and being asked at all. And lucky me that you have agreed so that we can know each other better. So that there’s always a chance that we can be the first one the next time round. Like seriously, think of when I last asked you out. If the answer is more than 6 months ago, it’s probably a combination yes, I have met more exciting people, yes, you don’t really figure in the grand schemata of things, yes, I don’t even want you to be a substitute – I think you’d suck.
Naturally other variables apply ie I love you but I love other people more, we both love each other but can never find the time, you love other people more than you love me, you have a boyfriend, and usually – you have not demonstrated sufficiently of your desire to be loved by moi etc
*
In local context, people asking for more pay should be challenged to venture beyond to see if they would command a similar paycheck, and not be indulged in their ridiculous fantasies that they are worth all that. Hell, I would know. That’s what my CEO told my seniors when collective unhappiness was raised about the salaries the monolithic industry is dishing out and that was the final word on the silenced subject. You do see the parallel and the inconsistency, don’t you. Yes, I have no doubt my CEO is paid supremely well either.
Everyday I find new reasons to leave this place and uproot from the motherland.
*
In other news, I signed up with online job engines today.
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