单身无罪 快乐有理

To my posse of intelligent, independent, beautiful and amusing girlfriends, you are not alone and I love you.

To myself: 宁缺勿滥

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I hereby reproduce an article courtesy of Best Friend to me 5 years ago.
(Note to Best Friend: Yes, I have kept it)

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JUST GOOD FRIENDS

They have good jobs, good looks and a whole lot of fun. But what they don't have is a boyfriend. Can a best friend ever be a decent substitute? Sally Weale reports

Monday August 5, 2002
The Guardian

There is a touching scene at the end of Lynn Alleway's latest documentary film in which two young women snuggle up to each other in a taxi travelling through rainy late-night London after an evening out on the town. They haven't pulled, they haven't been picked up, but it has been a good night. They are going home, not alone, but with each other. "You realise how much I love you, don't you?" one says drunkenly to the other. She struggles to find words to express the strength of her feeling. "Everything - just about everything."

"And I love you too," the other reciprocates. One girl nestles her head on the other's shoulder, they look like contented lovers. At home, they wash, put on nightshirts and clamber into a double bed before wishing each other good night, switching off the light and going to sleep. It is a sweet ending to a bittersweet film about being single. The two women featured, Kerrie Stone, 27, and Luciana Ferreira, 31, look as though they have it all. They are both extremely good-looking, they have great jobs, they have bought their own homes. They have both been in long-term relationships and have even been engaged, but are now single and, like so many women, Alleway suggests, are struggling to understand why.

The backdrop to much of the film is clubland - furtive glances across smoke-filled rooms, couples dancing intimately, passionate first-night kisses. But invariably Kerrie, from Northampton, and Brazilian-born Lu come home alone.

"I have no idea why we are single," says Kerrie. "Maybe we go for unsuitable guys, maybe we're a bit scared to let each other go." She adds a bit later: "Lu and I are a couple, all bar the sex." And it's true. Most of the time, they look like they don't really need anyone else. Why would you bother when you have such a great time together?

During the eight months of filming, they are utterly inseparable; they call each other constantly, see each other most days and holiday together. They get ready to go out together; two sets of clothes laid out on one bed (complete with silicon breast-boosting pads); they do their make-up at the same mirror, and reassure each other about how they look. They even finish off each other's jokes ("Me-e-e-n are like a box of chocolates," Kerrie starts in a Jerry Hall-style drawl. "You never know whatcha gonna get," Luciana finishes for her, amid gales of laughter.

Alleway, producer and director of Sex, Guys and Videotape, made the film after becoming single again at the end of a 23-year relationship. "There have been many, many column inches written and much said about the state of being single. What I wanted to do was to make a film which gave a more complete picture of what it's really like.

"The truth is there are many, many wonderful highs about being single, but there are many lows, and few single women are prepared to admit how painful it is. Kerrie's way of dealing with being single is having a close woman friend to support her. I think that happens to a lot of women. They very easily slip into quite intimate relationships with other women. We live in a culture where friends are the new family.

"The highs of being single are being absolutely proud of yourself, that you are independent, you can do anything and the world is your oyster. The truth is it's fantastic to go out on a Saturday night and feel anything can happen. But it's a world a million times removed from having a decent relationship with someone."

And then there's the other side to being single, which we see mainly through Kerrie, who is heroically candid throughout the film. Alleway shows her deliriously excited about a first date, who telephones on camera to cancel. It is crushing. We see her getting off with a footballer on holiday in Spain, who doesn't call her in the UK. We see her upset and left out when Lu's relationships seem to be taking off - though none last for long. Like an old couple with a lifetime behind them, she worries aboutbeing the one left alone. "I would always want to be the one who went first, rather than being left behind.

"I do feel lonely sometimes," she admits. "As much as I can claim I am happy - life's a dream and I'm in charge of my life - it's nice for somebody else to make those decisions for me sometimes. I'd like a boyfriend to complete what I've got. I know I've done well in what I do. As long as I carry on working, I know I will succeed there. Why can't any of us bloody succeed with men?" she asks.

And that is the nub of the film. Women are succeeding in every other sphere of life. They are independent, they have careers, they can pay for their own drinks, their own cars and their own mortgages, but why can't they meet the right men? "I have to say anecdotally, my personal experience is that the quality of men who are available nowhere near matches the quality of the women," says Alleway. "You can talk to any of the dating agencies and they will all say, "I've got 200 women on my books and 50 men" and the men don't match the quality of the women. It feels as if there is a shortage of half-decent men who are not gay or bisexual and the supply is diminishing."

Alleway's theory is that the lack of men is due partly to the increase in men coming out as gay. "It has taken men out of the market in large numbers. Twenty years ago, these men would be bisexual and they would get married, have children and struggle with their sexuality and perhaps have the odd fling with a man but stay in the relationship with the woman, for the sake of conformity."

Her other theory is that relationships today are more difficult because of divorce. "Both Kerrie and Lu, their parents are divorced. It can instil in someone an anxiety, to the point where they are over-anxious about forming a relationship because they are trying to prove to themselves they can do it better. They want to prove to themselves that marriage can work despite their own experiences. The other way it works, and this applies to a lot of men, is it makes them frightened of commitment. Being in a steady relationship triggers some deep alarm bells somewhere, so they are less likely to rush into a committed relationship.

"Those sorts of experiences are never going to encourage us to throw ourselves headlong into a relationship. It knocks confidence and raises your expectations in an unrealistic way. A lot of people are determined to get things right, and are very aware of what a relationship should be. "

I meet Kerrie at the nightclub where she works as a marketing manager. Kerrie is worried that the film makes her look needy, and explains that last year, when filming took place, was a particularly bad one for her romantically, but lots of good things happened too. She got promoted, she bought a bigger, better flat and now she is driving her own Audi TT sports car. She is seeing someone at the moment - it is still early days, but she likes him.

She thinks there may be some truth in Alleway's theory about divorce. Not only are Kerrie's parents divorced; her mother and stepfather have recently separated and her younger brother's marriage has ended in divorce. "Yes, it may be a factor. I think it's terrible. Infidelity is the norm. It's almost condoned. There's no happy ever after any more." She also believes that men are intimidated by women who have learned to be assertive at work as well as in their personal lives. "Lu and I are in complete charge of our lives. We finance our own cars, homes and social lives. It's not so much that we need men any more, it's a matter of choice. We've evolved. We've realised we don't need a man. And the men out there are not such a great calibre."

Men do not come out of the film well. They are either drunken and lecherous or simply ridiculous. There is a very funny moment when Lu and Kerrie are on holiday in Spain. They are lying on sunbeds, in their bikinis, while a drunken, dishevelled Englishman (who turns out to be a leading snooker star) pesters them, finally leaving with their newspaper and a farewell belch. "That's why we're single," Kerrie fires at the camera.

Lu, who has a corporate job with a Spanish bank, does not like the film's final cut,which she feels concentrates too much on dating and has missed out the interesting debate about men and women and their difficulties in forming relationships. "With the men and women of our generation, the women are brought up by parents who will encourage them to be successful and independent, but they are still bringing up men to have the same traditional roles as provider and protector. That creates a huge problem when the two have to integrate. You can't. Realistically, like everyone else, I would like to meet somebody that I see a future with, but I'm less tolerant of people than maybe my mother was. I don't need somebody to support me financially."

Lu would prefer to be single than to settle for second best. As she says in the film: "I'm never going to settle for something mediocre in terms of a relationship. I like myself enough to know that I give 100 per cent and deserve 100 per cent back."

Kerrie, meanwhile, may drive an Audi TT and have two bathrooms in her new flat, but she is still sweetly romantic. "I still believe in the fairy tale. I would like to meet somebody. I would like to live with them, marry and have children and I have every belief that I will find that right person. I believe he is out there for me."