Hypochondria Of The Heart

I’ve always known I can be a heartless person. I am also very proud. That’s why if the day should come to kick Somebody (loosely defined as anybody) out of my life, provided Somebody has done something unforgivable in my eyes and stayed unrepentant and/or nonchalant, I have no hesitation to do just that. Of course, the whole pride thing just made it easier. If I said I never wanna hang out again, er, it would take a lot for me to eat the words and come crawling back to you.

Easiest is the case if the Somebody is Someone Who Matters, because for good or bad, I am the sort who QC friendships. So I find it reprehensible to be let down after I have personally overseen to the screening myself. Your extent of betrayal, whether it is 1 or 10 on the scale, matters little and I see only the act of betrayal itself.

In a nutshell, the higher you are on my ladder rung, the more I care about you, and unfortunately, the more I need to subject you to a sublime friendship standard. Which to be fair, I abide by it too. If you are just a casual friend, hey, I probably won’t take anything you do or say too much to heart, because I really don’t care.

Then again, I’m also a softie at heart, a real wimp. Sob. So I don’t stay mad or bitter. Mostly I get upset and crestfallen: how could she/he do this to me if they are really my good friends? Then I pick myself up and life goes on, somewhat.

So what happens when you topped the rung and then you crashed out?I

t took 6 months, a very recent chance encounter with the Dad & sister, a do-or-die attitude, lots of mulling over 会不会很丢脸 and yet another fortuitously timed and chance-d online encounter before I took the plunge and spoke to the Best Friend again. Yes, Best Friend was the unceremonious axed ex for a while. I’m just really glad we are back to being Best Friends. Though I must concede reluctantly that she wins hands down: more heartless and with more hubris. Sigh.

So yesterday, we hanged out at Vivocity to do the girly stuff we have been missing out on and watched the equally girly chick flick Miss Potter.

T’is true: If it’s meant to be, you can always pick up from where you left, and you will always come back. She was waiting for me and so was I.

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Friday saw Huixin, Ezo and myself together after hmmm 3 years. Nothing dramamama resulted in the long hiatus, only that Huxin went to New Zealand to escape reality and do a master degree. Now that she’s back for good, we are gonna fight back together and conquer Reality ie make it Our Reality lah.

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My Friends. They are living proof that while the past can't be recaptured, and it never really was the way you recall it, certain things did happen and we are better for it. I need not live in nostalgia because those who were there, are here now and will continue to be. Alas, those who were there and not here now, I can only grieve periodically and hope that they come back to me the way I come back to Best Friend.

So long as there's a connection, we can hope? Like the DHS graduating class of 1996 (and we are talking about the cohort, not class per se) that took 10 years to manifest.

I look like this (See left the maiden in orange bebe off shoulder top). I tried to siam the photo taking but apparently it was quite imperative we had to do a passport photo each. I hope I'm slimmer in the next gathering. I'm just grateful not to look any older. Some of the hot people then have degenerated! Sob.

But returning to The Return:

But how long can you stand for being apart in the same place before leaving for good? When it seems the wait is such a futile and aimless one that you’ve almost forgotten why it is worth the wait and you no longer harbour the hope of anyone’s return. Is this where nostalgia comes in and the ghostly figure accompanies you through the absent years, fanning the dying flames insistently,relentlessly. But it never really was the way I recall it, was it. I made it better; I made you better and I kill myself with the improved version when I am really hankering after something lesser that I can jolly well do without. And what’s the point of knowing, as if the knowing can make any difference. We still wait.

Reflective nostalgia while grounded in longing, contemplating, and remembering, does not attempt to restore the past. You don't deny your longing, but you reflect on it somehow. It's a positive force that helps us explore our experience, and can offer an alternative to an uncritical acceptance of the present

Restorative nostalgia is not about memory and history but about heritage and tradition. It's often an invented tradition--a dogmatic, stable myth that gives you a coherent version of the past. Generally it's far removed in time, even prehistoric, as in the German myths that Wagner used for his operas.

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