How Not To Encourage Without Being Discouraging

In Monday night’s Dear Diary delayed telecast:

This is insane. I’m a nutcase. For the last couple hours, I’ve been agonizing over the most parochial of matters: How Not To Encourage (without a more pristine understanding of what’s going on) Without Being Discouraging. Since I don’t really know what’s going on or on his mind, for that matter, I don’t wish to think anymore about it myself (the proverbial office line comes in useful here: KIV lah) and overread and overreact. I shall Be Natural. But what if being natural is read by the other party as a discouraging sign, that I’m not friendlier, that I have no bigger response to match the bigger gestures. How-to-not-encourage-without-being-discouraging is obviously self-defeating in its paradoxical nature but I shall persist in futility because it’s the only thing left to do.

It all started when I met YQ this morning on the MRT and we decided to catch The Producers, the movie version of the musical together when it opens. Later in the Mr Dimples and I started smsing and he told me he has watched Rent the movie. Obviously, very naturally, I would mention I’m going out with YQ to watch the latest musical-turned-movie to hit town and ask if he would like to join us since we have done a threesome many times, the whole two guy and a girl thing (Hell, it’s always been 2 guy and a girl or 3 guys and a girl).

He said okay (and okay only), in a not terribly enthusiastic manner as compared to the earlier smses just before. Perhaps it was in the middle of workday, perhaps something, perhaps, you know. It’s giving myself far too much credit but it’s definitely more fun to have complete attention from me.

On hindsight, I had imagined his reaction to be less energetic than the previous sms-es but it’s also highly likely that I’m being too imaginative. This observation about myself alerted me to how I have been quietly, quietly simmering with stress of the weird kind since the last supper together with his friends. Am I, God forbid, beginning to think along those lines with more than a passing, fleeting consciousness? Now that I’m bothering to read with intent to find, it’s only obvious that every goddamn thing is replete with meaning and significance.

Which is not good.

Don’t put funny ideas in my head!! I try not to get the thoughts-on-friends-who-could-be-more-than-friends thought machine started, cos this is exactly what will happen, ie the way this entry is turning out, me attempting fourth guess the parties involved, including my nutty self.

I blame Meihui for her chirpy phonecall that attempted to brainwash me and sow further discord in my head on Sunday.

Minxiu closed the door calmly in my face by saying my life is too complicated for him to analyse, which was hardly helpful. I just need someone to shake me and say wake up from this!!!

Eventually I called April up and told her to talk sense to me, me who’s troubling over nothing, and being all wasted cum angsty about the non-existence of nothing. Repetition always helps, so long as you are not the one telling yourself, ‘cos that hardly works. It’s always way more convincing and damaging to hear from another. So yes, meeting his friends doesn’t mean anything. IT DOESN’T. He’s probably being polite, that’s all.

Repeat to myself: Can I talk and write about Mr Dimples without feeling pressured that he is someone special? May I? Can my friends stop putting funny ideas in my head? Can I stop speculating so myself?

Still, on the same Monday night, eventually Mr Dimples did send a much nicer sms 6 hours later asking (somewhat redundant ‘cos I had asked him 6 hours earlier and he already replied with a horribly plain ok) whether he can join YQ and me on our movie date and that it will be nice unwinding for him over the weekend. So that kinda alleviated the angst and stress and quite convinced me things are back to being normal.

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Yes, life will certainly be boring without Mr Dimples as a friend. It was a pleasant surprise upon discovery that both of us had logged on to our Gmail accounts simultaneously during office hours on a Wednesday afternoon just after lunch and via its chat system we went “oooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” at each other.