I Don't Want To Do It Again
I can’t believe we were on the phone for close to an hour.
I can’t believe I was trying to truncate it earlier a few times (yes, that’s me, panicking and bolting out of insane pride and crazy, crazy modesty) by giving obvious openings to exit before realising you do want to continue the conversation. I am feeling slightly dizzy now, upon really ending the call, and am kicking myself for being so presumptuous and underreading (but you can’t blame me, we were on the phone and it was not written in the book). The second chance after the spectacular boo-boo in your car and I have the sinking feeling that I let you down, again!!!
My sincere apologies to you, for my clumsiness and eccentric principles, that have ensued in a conversation whereby I once again refused to wear the heart higher on the sleeve (I’m unfortunately used to sleeveless tops). If I have confounded you with my errant behaviour and confused your enthusiasm with my err...shyness (leading to a less-than-ideal response to your kind words and gestures), believe me when I say I rue, and I regret. Especially on this night before you leave for the seas. I wish you could carry fonder memories with you and I could bring myself to be more 温柔。
*
On a neutral note, he called with a purpose lah. Settling our tickets to West Side Story. But it flowed smoothly into other areas. I was silently wondering if he should get sleep and start packing, but I was too self-conscious to mouth my concern and too uptight to wish him a safe voyage (too clichéd).
*
I must remember to let the guy take the lead and not attempt a silly pre-emptive strike. I must not jump into Angelinesque conclusions and self-sabotage a good thing or commit kamikaze in advance. There is nothing to be ashamed of, or scared, or embarrassed about.
I must try very, very hard not to send mixed signals, something that I’m a natural at. Urgh.
Addendum: I guess I did do one thing right on hindsight. I shut up and allow him to book online and pay for the tickets when he said that's what he's gonna do. See the original plan had me saying I will buy first, since my job entitles me to a more special rate. After the meandering fun chat when we finally got to the point in the midst of everything else, he suggested he would buy immediately online instead. We would spend 5% more for promptness since he had the UOB card that would give him the other 10% off. I let him and I taped my mouth.
I find it slightly stressful when it comes to our going out expenses, because I'm unsure of how I can "pay it right" without offending his male sensibilities. We never split the bills, not that I recall. Mostly he pays. I try to equalise it by paying an equivalent amount every other time, when I manage to sneak in my own card in advance of his. The most extravagant offer he extended: He had wanted to waive away the Rent ticket when I had only paid in kind (in terms of food) only 50% - about $60 (!!) but I was too horrified (and well-bred) to be indebted so. So.
Perhaps I should let him spend more, as a signal? I suggest male readers of this blog share how the dating expenses should be spread, when the date is not quite the girl-friend and not the girlfriend either, especially when you hang out pretty often with a person singularly.
I can’t believe I was trying to truncate it earlier a few times (yes, that’s me, panicking and bolting out of insane pride and crazy, crazy modesty) by giving obvious openings to exit before realising you do want to continue the conversation. I am feeling slightly dizzy now, upon really ending the call, and am kicking myself for being so presumptuous and underreading (but you can’t blame me, we were on the phone and it was not written in the book). The second chance after the spectacular boo-boo in your car and I have the sinking feeling that I let you down, again!!!
My sincere apologies to you, for my clumsiness and eccentric principles, that have ensued in a conversation whereby I once again refused to wear the heart higher on the sleeve (I’m unfortunately used to sleeveless tops). If I have confounded you with my errant behaviour and confused your enthusiasm with my err...shyness (leading to a less-than-ideal response to your kind words and gestures), believe me when I say I rue, and I regret. Especially on this night before you leave for the seas. I wish you could carry fonder memories with you and I could bring myself to be more 温柔。
*
On a neutral note, he called with a purpose lah. Settling our tickets to West Side Story. But it flowed smoothly into other areas. I was silently wondering if he should get sleep and start packing, but I was too self-conscious to mouth my concern and too uptight to wish him a safe voyage (too clichéd).
*
I must remember to let the guy take the lead and not attempt a silly pre-emptive strike. I must not jump into Angelinesque conclusions and self-sabotage a good thing or commit kamikaze in advance. There is nothing to be ashamed of, or scared, or embarrassed about.
I must try very, very hard not to send mixed signals, something that I’m a natural at. Urgh.
Addendum: I guess I did do one thing right on hindsight. I shut up and allow him to book online and pay for the tickets when he said that's what he's gonna do. See the original plan had me saying I will buy first, since my job entitles me to a more special rate. After the meandering fun chat when we finally got to the point in the midst of everything else, he suggested he would buy immediately online instead. We would spend 5% more for promptness since he had the UOB card that would give him the other 10% off. I let him and I taped my mouth.
I find it slightly stressful when it comes to our going out expenses, because I'm unsure of how I can "pay it right" without offending his male sensibilities. We never split the bills, not that I recall. Mostly he pays. I try to equalise it by paying an equivalent amount every other time, when I manage to sneak in my own card in advance of his. The most extravagant offer he extended: He had wanted to waive away the Rent ticket when I had only paid in kind (in terms of food) only 50% - about $60 (!!) but I was too horrified (and well-bred) to be indebted so. So.
Perhaps I should let him spend more, as a signal? I suggest male readers of this blog share how the dating expenses should be spread, when the date is not quite the girl-friend and not the girlfriend either, especially when you hang out pretty often with a person singularly.
2 Comments:
:)
meanwhile i live vicariously
through you.
ruth
wah Best Friend drops in and leaves a Derridean trace!!
i was just gonna smsed you that i daren't called you in fear that you are live in current fear of hearing from me, thinking it might be another temptation in difficult times and causing you unnecessary stress as it is. but that you have my silent support and you can always call me. :X
i just received my 费玉清 concert tickets. i blushed to see that we're in VIP seating. Sigh, it'd be great if the parents were still around. it'll be so cool to take them to see their idols, frances yip, feng feifei inclusive. but since it cannot be so, i shall do the next best thing, get someone who can make me happy to escort me there.
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