How To Elude Happiness
I don't want to think about it.
I don't want to remember that I remember.
I don't want to contact the person.
I have two more hours before the day officially expires and escapes into the past.
*
It would have been rather simple had I just allowed myself the tiny pleasure of wishing him Happy Birthday. But no, it must not be so.
And so sparked off a series of crazy things. Like going off to town on my own, alternating between feeling cool and loser-like, buying stuff, all the while thinking it would be so nice if he could spend some time with me.
It's difficult to admit a person, even harder to admit a desire.
I don't think people who were unfortunate enough to get a casual sms from me today understand that I was yearning for company. I din say, but part of me wished the vibes were received, or that even those who din hear from me could give me a ring, somehow. It was that bad.
Given that only one person can make me happy, and that's the one person that I am consciously avoiding, does that make everyone else a substitute?
There's nothing wrong with being a substitute. I'm sure we're all some kind of substitutes for one another.
Derridean stories speak of an absence, against an original, so what do I do with the repetitions?
Perhaps he's more a philosopher than I ever was. Repetitions don't bother him, for I was never an original, and he can always repeat, with anyone else.
I don't want to remember that I remember.
I don't want to contact the person.
I have two more hours before the day officially expires and escapes into the past.
*
It would have been rather simple had I just allowed myself the tiny pleasure of wishing him Happy Birthday. But no, it must not be so.
And so sparked off a series of crazy things. Like going off to town on my own, alternating between feeling cool and loser-like, buying stuff, all the while thinking it would be so nice if he could spend some time with me.
It's difficult to admit a person, even harder to admit a desire.
I don't think people who were unfortunate enough to get a casual sms from me today understand that I was yearning for company. I din say, but part of me wished the vibes were received, or that even those who din hear from me could give me a ring, somehow. It was that bad.
Given that only one person can make me happy, and that's the one person that I am consciously avoiding, does that make everyone else a substitute?
There's nothing wrong with being a substitute. I'm sure we're all some kind of substitutes for one another.
Derridean stories speak of an absence, against an original, so what do I do with the repetitions?
Perhaps he's more a philosopher than I ever was. Repetitions don't bother him, for I was never an original, and he can always repeat, with anyone else.
1 Comments:
For the past few years, I've been structuring my response based on how he reacted to mine.
Yes, been through the "must be first" and/or "must be last" to wish. quite crazy and lame!! Sigh.
Anyway, this is one year he has not acknowledged (happened a couple years back too!) and I shall
reciprocate the coolness.
I won't have reminders, I'm sure he knows I knows, just like I know he knows mine. Just how, how do you fight with someone who doesn't believe in birthdays, gifts and all things nice?
Don't fight. Run away.
A year later, let's see if things will be any different for both of us? If we still stuck in the same rut, we can spend the two days together :)
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