April Is The Cruelest Month

The time is now propitious, as he guesses,
The meal is ended, she is bored and tired,
Endeavours to engage her in caresses
Which are still unreproved, if undesired.
Flushed and decided, he assaults at once;
Exploring hands encounter no defence;
His vanity requires no response,
And makes a welcome of indifference.

On the social front, this week has been nothing short of disasterous. Packed, but bad.

My three filmfest movies early in the week were bland. I had forgotten The Movie Moral/Lesson(Curse): Be firm and say NO. History has proven if I were any less stringent and gave nod anyhow due to a certain willingness to hang out/haven't figured how to say no due to tenuous connections, I am doomed to sit through a sleepy series.

I never watch bad movies. I only attend screenings I like, and even if they disappoint, I see the value and that's NOT BAD. BAD MOVIES are movies I am not interested in to begin with and if they turn out okay, well and fine. But usually, I do walk out stewing quietly. Oh, time, my time! So if I experience Bad Movies, it's 'cos I'm hanging out with someone new or someone not-so-close. I have no qualms rejecting bad movie dates, if we are very friendly and familiar.

The seats were yucky. And, somehow, despite the friend buying tickets very early in person, he was given A row for two movies screenings. We then seat-hopped, yes, of course. It was possibly my worst filmfest year - dearth of crops and death by discomfit.

I should just stop watching movies with people whom I have yet to figure how to place them, as friends, as casualties, well, you know. Then again, they can have longer shelf lives if I perpetuate this mock stupidity.

WHATEVER.

'My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad. Stay with me.
'Speak to me. Why do you never speak. Speak.
'What are you thinking of? What thinking? What?
'I never know what you are thinking. Think.'

I'm tired shit of guessing.

The awful daring of a moment's surrender
Which an age of prudence can never retract

No, I do not know what I want. But I like certainty from you. And I hate nua-ness, laziness and inconsistency. I like certainty from you, because it gives me a basis to found (and find) my own readings. But I don't read anymore - I tried - but not only is there nothing; there's no heart. So. I. Sing. Nothing beats imitation to irritate repetition back.

Weather has been dreadfully warm, even an invite to the excellent Lord Of The Dance failed to keep spirits up. LOTD was really electrifying and exuberant though. I don't think I have ever enjoyed a dance performance so.

Was happy for a while - not even the lack of air in Kallang Theatre got to me. Everyone was complaining how hot it was.

Just as I thought it can't get any worse, and in fact, things were looking up because Friday's movie picks were good: My die die must watch Japanese movie Tokyo Noir was good and so was Ryan's choice of Splendid Float(Chinese name: 艳光四射歌舞团 - the original film score is to die for too. Everything's really 將帶你一起進入永恆的天堂) . You'd imagine two movies in a row would have finished me off, esp by then I had full blown flu and felt as if my nose is no longer my own (numbed by all the pinching and rubbing), but my eyes were wide open from start to finish. This is what good movies do for you - keep you captivated while distracting from The Real Peripherals. So SIFF 2005 ended with a bang, yay to that.

But as we stumbled out of the theatre, I thought I saw him, yes, busy him - actually watching a Japanese movie of his own initiative, without me? Forlorn-ness struck and was the killing blow that destroyed me completely for the night. Sure I could write it off as my blunder, that I wasn't wearing glasses and he was at a distance. But it could be him, that's all that matters.

'Do
'You know nothing? Do you see nothing? Do you remember
'Nothing?'
I remember
Those are pearls that were his eyes.
'Are you alive, or not? Is there nothing in your head?

I'm not alive. No. There's nothing in my head now that he cannot belong to it.

'What shall I do now? What shall I do?'
'I shall rush out as I am, and walk the street
'With my hair down, so. What shall we do tomorrow?
'What shall we ever do?'

It has been a terrible month. Why should I expect any less? April has always been the cruelest month. Come May, I must stop this horrid long-distance dependency. We mean nothing. There should be nothing in my head. My heart is lying in the chute. It can come back to me when it so chooses.

May can be better, barring the fact Mayday is his birthday. I got invites to It Takes Two (Hossan and Selena)and the ABC concert (Wu Bai, Huang Pin Yuan and Zhang Yu).

April is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.