The One With The Questions
Favourite Colleague, devoted Christian: Must be thankful to God.
Me: Fine. I shall stop doubting his existence for a while.
Favourite Colleague: Come to church lar
Me: I say stop doubting, not start supporting. Maybe next year. When manifestations are in the form of even bigger increments. *smiles*
Yes, I got my increment, bonus and promotion. So yay to all that. You know I deserve it. I’m now Assistant Manager. Don’t have to feel so tiny when I exchange cards with people who are managers, directors and CEOs.
*
But things are never so simple, are they. I need to constantly remind myself I’m not 20 anymore, and I have to do and achieve everything now, now, now if I’m to get anywhere at all. There’s pressure to perform from myself for myself. There’s the desire for immediate gratification. Then there’s always the pleasure of throwing in the towel and be a hippie/bohemian creature in my imagination. Minxiu accused me of being high-maintenance. But I’m not, for goodness’ sake, my alter ago is as artsy as arty-farty can go. We, the artless artsy - we don’t care about money, just quality of life(style).
Dear reader, what can we do at our age? Go back to law school, start a business, leave Singapore and be a drifter, carry on and let it be – what can we give up and what control do we have to relinquish in the first place?
Depressing thoughts, considering the good news but I’ve always been a cynic and sceptic, with tendencies to romanticise.
*
Since graduating from Dunman High, Peiyun (my ex-classmate and someone I am very fond of) and I have met up no more than 10 times. Possibly on the average of once every 2 years. But each time we come together, our enjoyment derived from each other's company is obvious.The paths we have chosen cannot be more different, yet we share the same temperament and proud demeanour. She's one of my fiercely ambitious buddies (despite her strenuous denials) and I love her all the more for that. Really. Most of my friends fail to comprehend my distress and despair when it comes to Life. But I think she does, because she was experiencing doubt and defeat, though she has clawed her way out and headed straight for her dream career through sheer hard work. I need more inspirational friends like that.
Most of my friends are laid-back and content. Good for them.
But I’m not like that. And sometimes I forget, because I’m around them so often, that I get lulled into a false sense of security and complacency. When I wake up from the reverie, I lose time. So it’s bad for me in that way.
I need more friends who are steely and ambitious, so that I won’t get lost myself (or, lose myself) and we can help each other along the way, the whole shoulder to cry on thing.
What am I doing with my life? Why do I keep asking this?
仁慈的父我已墜入 看不見罪的國度 請原諒我的自負
沒人能說沒人可說 好難承受 榮耀的背後刻著一道孤獨
閉上雙眼我又看見 當年那夢的畫面
天空是濛濛的霧 父親牽著我的雙手
輕輕走過 清晨那安安靜靜的石板路
Me: Fine. I shall stop doubting his existence for a while.
Favourite Colleague: Come to church lar
Me: I say stop doubting, not start supporting. Maybe next year. When manifestations are in the form of even bigger increments. *smiles*
Yes, I got my increment, bonus and promotion. So yay to all that. You know I deserve it. I’m now Assistant Manager. Don’t have to feel so tiny when I exchange cards with people who are managers, directors and CEOs.
*
But things are never so simple, are they. I need to constantly remind myself I’m not 20 anymore, and I have to do and achieve everything now, now, now if I’m to get anywhere at all. There’s pressure to perform from myself for myself. There’s the desire for immediate gratification. Then there’s always the pleasure of throwing in the towel and be a hippie/bohemian creature in my imagination. Minxiu accused me of being high-maintenance. But I’m not, for goodness’ sake, my alter ago is as artsy as arty-farty can go. We, the artless artsy - we don’t care about money, just quality of life(style).
Dear reader, what can we do at our age? Go back to law school, start a business, leave Singapore and be a drifter, carry on and let it be – what can we give up and what control do we have to relinquish in the first place?
Depressing thoughts, considering the good news but I’ve always been a cynic and sceptic, with tendencies to romanticise.
*
Since graduating from Dunman High, Peiyun (my ex-classmate and someone I am very fond of) and I have met up no more than 10 times. Possibly on the average of once every 2 years. But each time we come together, our enjoyment derived from each other's company is obvious.The paths we have chosen cannot be more different, yet we share the same temperament and proud demeanour. She's one of my fiercely ambitious buddies (despite her strenuous denials) and I love her all the more for that. Really. Most of my friends fail to comprehend my distress and despair when it comes to Life. But I think she does, because she was experiencing doubt and defeat, though she has clawed her way out and headed straight for her dream career through sheer hard work. I need more inspirational friends like that.
Most of my friends are laid-back and content. Good for them.
But I’m not like that. And sometimes I forget, because I’m around them so often, that I get lulled into a false sense of security and complacency. When I wake up from the reverie, I lose time. So it’s bad for me in that way.
I need more friends who are steely and ambitious, so that I won’t get lost myself (or, lose myself) and we can help each other along the way, the whole shoulder to cry on thing.
What am I doing with my life? Why do I keep asking this?
仁慈的父我已墜入 看不見罪的國度 請原諒我的自負
沒人能說沒人可說 好難承受 榮耀的背後刻著一道孤獨
閉上雙眼我又看見 當年那夢的畫面
天空是濛濛的霧 父親牽著我的雙手
輕輕走過 清晨那安安靜靜的石板路
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