雨下了走好路 這句話我記住
From Minxiu,
Like I say, I often wake up in the morning and ask myself what the fuck I'm doing with my life. Perhaps it's too late now to regret signing up for this. The company doesn't seem to have any plan for me, unlike many other such organizations that give out scholarships like this. I suppose someone just goes, "Oh, I have a bunch of people who are contractually bound to us for 4-6 years each. Let's see... ooh, I think it'll be fun to stick him here. And her there. And... oh, I'm bored. I think I'll go for lunch." And then promptly forgets all about us once he's back from lunch break. Seriously, I see no prospects at all in the future. Nada, zip, zero, none, mei you. Where am I going to be? I shouldn't be asking myself that, not when I'm supposed to be sitting well and pretty. I know that without it, I probably would never have gone to NU and gotten so many opportunities. Is this what happens when the security blanket of school is ripped away? I thought I was cynical, but now I know I wasn't all that cynical, not quite yet. Is it unreasonable of me to be expecting something more? Can this be that goddamn "quarter-life crisis" that was the topic of discussion in the mainstream media a while back? I mean, it feels pretty much like a fucking crisis to me, thank you very much. I also know it sounds whiney. Lots of people don't have jobs. Lots of people don't have job security. Yes, but then again, when a company gives out shit like that, I think they're obliged - nay, should be compelled - to get their shit together and give us the respect and treatment we deserve. After all, people leave your company all the time, don't you think it's because you suck in some small, undefinable way perhaps?
This is akin to what I'd have written in great angst and anger during my first 8 months. While things have since infintely improved, I get incredibly depressed when I compare what I believe in reasonably good faith, what I'd be doing, to what I'm actually doing. What I want to do vs what realistically I have been doing. Yes, like my friend, probably even more strongly, I thought I couldn't get more cynical.
I just don't understand how life operates the way it does - with absolute irreverence and irrelevance towards people who are just doing their best to lead their lives and deal with stuff. It's stupid and shitty.
Life doesn't appreciate that I just want to live in my own fucking little world, get all fucked up and derive my orgasms from writing romances mainly. If I can't make a career of it, at least the job I'm doing will have to materially supplement (in sense of $ and encounters) it without eating into the time supposedly to be dedicated to writing.
I mean seriously, what's so difficult about such a request? My peers' parents don't just die on them in relatively quick sucession, leaving them to deal with all the scary shit like paying bills, making sure all transfer documents are signed, that our money is not retained by the government, check, check and check that all is in place, basically all the practical ie survival stuff, that I'd hate to care and I wouldn't give a damn ideally.
Hello, like how do I arrange a funeral blah blah. May I write about it instead?
Which is why my man's gotta be all worldly wise and got street credibility. He's gotta look after all the nitty gritties to free me up from the daily grind of Lousy Life. Know his directions blah blah and actually enjoy taking care of these. Which means I'm still describing someone as I know and have trusted, and still do, just that I've decided to handle all these myself for the time being. But that's meandering off.
Anyway, if my mum were still healthy, and ceteris paribus, life could pass off as okay.
But she's not. She's dying in front. Yup. So in case you guys still don't get it, she is living out her final days.
She's just been discharged yesterday and to my horror and immense irritation, the pump that's to give her the feed throughout the night din fucking work.
Now you must appreciate that my mum is no longer taking food orally. She's fed via a tube connected to her intestines, and the long tube is connected to this pump that rotates regularly so that she's able to get the required amounts within a very controlled time frame. Now that the fucking pump din fucking work, we had to control the pump manually, meaning every few minutes, just so to ensure flow is smooth and neither too fast nor slow, or worst, stops completely. Since this is her total food intake, the pump stopping is akin to her eventual death speed up. And it really doesn't bode well that it spoils on its first use, if I were to be entirely Chinese and hence, superstitious.
So I called the person/s in charge, and just yelled very firmly - I need a replacement pump. what do you mean you have no spare. you think I care. Just get one that works now to Tampines. Like Now. Now Now Now. After 8 such conversations sprouting similar lines, I got the substitute. But the stupid substitute was on low batt which means even after I switched on the power, it has to be totally recharged and only after 8 hs, so it means it still cannot be used. Oh fucking bugger. Ended up manually adjusting the thing till 1am.
it's 9am now, and apparently the substitute is still at low batt. Murphy's Law.
But it's okay. Murphy doesn't know I'm from hell and I kick hell when stupid things happen.
I also took leave today to do urgent stuff like process documents, look for maids (immediate serving ideally visit HDB, make sure I actually have a working pump, and of course to see that my mum lives beyond today.
See, all I want is just write. Why is this happening to me? I don't understand.
But while I'm rather patently ignorant about reality (Urgh - CPF...Ahhh what logistics, what tax levies...), the good thing is I'm stubborn and insistent person who is all too willing to yell and fuss and overwhelm ppl with my powerful English and determination to get my way. Most importantly, I was ignorant, true, but that's only because I couldn't be bothered, which means it's a temporary state. Now that life has irritated hell outta me, I'm just gonna find out and fight. Make sure we dun lose out. Oh bloody hell.
I'll be in parts of Tampines later on to check on maid stuff, so if any of you have maid information or even better, recommendations, please contact me like immediately today, if you can, or the next few days (not so great 'coz I want one soonest) .
In the past, I asked what the fuck I am doing with my life. These days, I wake up asking what the fuck is happening to me. But there will never be an answer, and maybe he's right, it's inexplicable. It happens. And it's there. Maybe I shouldn't begrude him for hesitating because he's only telling the truth. But that's me getting sentimental in moment of need.
Now excuse me while I do everything else, and stop writing.
雨下了走好路 這句話我記住 風再大吹不走囑咐
雨過了就有路 像那年看日出 你牽著我穿過了霧
叫我看希望就在黑夜的盡處
哭過的眼看歲月更清楚 想一個人閃著淚光是一種幸福
又回到我離開家的小路 你送著我 滿天燕子都在飛舞
雖然一個人 我並不孤獨 在心中你陪我看每一個日出
Like I say, I often wake up in the morning and ask myself what the fuck I'm doing with my life. Perhaps it's too late now to regret signing up for this. The company doesn't seem to have any plan for me, unlike many other such organizations that give out scholarships like this. I suppose someone just goes, "Oh, I have a bunch of people who are contractually bound to us for 4-6 years each. Let's see... ooh, I think it'll be fun to stick him here. And her there. And... oh, I'm bored. I think I'll go for lunch." And then promptly forgets all about us once he's back from lunch break. Seriously, I see no prospects at all in the future. Nada, zip, zero, none, mei you. Where am I going to be? I shouldn't be asking myself that, not when I'm supposed to be sitting well and pretty. I know that without it, I probably would never have gone to NU and gotten so many opportunities. Is this what happens when the security blanket of school is ripped away? I thought I was cynical, but now I know I wasn't all that cynical, not quite yet. Is it unreasonable of me to be expecting something more? Can this be that goddamn "quarter-life crisis" that was the topic of discussion in the mainstream media a while back? I mean, it feels pretty much like a fucking crisis to me, thank you very much. I also know it sounds whiney. Lots of people don't have jobs. Lots of people don't have job security. Yes, but then again, when a company gives out shit like that, I think they're obliged - nay, should be compelled - to get their shit together and give us the respect and treatment we deserve. After all, people leave your company all the time, don't you think it's because you suck in some small, undefinable way perhaps?
This is akin to what I'd have written in great angst and anger during my first 8 months. While things have since infintely improved, I get incredibly depressed when I compare what I believe in reasonably good faith, what I'd be doing, to what I'm actually doing. What I want to do vs what realistically I have been doing. Yes, like my friend, probably even more strongly, I thought I couldn't get more cynical.
I just don't understand how life operates the way it does - with absolute irreverence and irrelevance towards people who are just doing their best to lead their lives and deal with stuff. It's stupid and shitty.
Life doesn't appreciate that I just want to live in my own fucking little world, get all fucked up and derive my orgasms from writing romances mainly. If I can't make a career of it, at least the job I'm doing will have to materially supplement (in sense of $ and encounters) it without eating into the time supposedly to be dedicated to writing.
I mean seriously, what's so difficult about such a request? My peers' parents don't just die on them in relatively quick sucession, leaving them to deal with all the scary shit like paying bills, making sure all transfer documents are signed, that our money is not retained by the government, check, check and check that all is in place, basically all the practical ie survival stuff, that I'd hate to care and I wouldn't give a damn ideally.
Hello, like how do I arrange a funeral blah blah. May I write about it instead?
Which is why my man's gotta be all worldly wise and got street credibility. He's gotta look after all the nitty gritties to free me up from the daily grind of Lousy Life. Know his directions blah blah and actually enjoy taking care of these. Which means I'm still describing someone as I know and have trusted, and still do, just that I've decided to handle all these myself for the time being. But that's meandering off.
Anyway, if my mum were still healthy, and ceteris paribus, life could pass off as okay.
But she's not. She's dying in front. Yup. So in case you guys still don't get it, she is living out her final days.
She's just been discharged yesterday and to my horror and immense irritation, the pump that's to give her the feed throughout the night din fucking work.
Now you must appreciate that my mum is no longer taking food orally. She's fed via a tube connected to her intestines, and the long tube is connected to this pump that rotates regularly so that she's able to get the required amounts within a very controlled time frame. Now that the fucking pump din fucking work, we had to control the pump manually, meaning every few minutes, just so to ensure flow is smooth and neither too fast nor slow, or worst, stops completely. Since this is her total food intake, the pump stopping is akin to her eventual death speed up. And it really doesn't bode well that it spoils on its first use, if I were to be entirely Chinese and hence, superstitious.
So I called the person/s in charge, and just yelled very firmly - I need a replacement pump. what do you mean you have no spare. you think I care. Just get one that works now to Tampines. Like Now. Now Now Now. After 8 such conversations sprouting similar lines, I got the substitute. But the stupid substitute was on low batt which means even after I switched on the power, it has to be totally recharged and only after 8 hs, so it means it still cannot be used. Oh fucking bugger. Ended up manually adjusting the thing till 1am.
it's 9am now, and apparently the substitute is still at low batt. Murphy's Law.
But it's okay. Murphy doesn't know I'm from hell and I kick hell when stupid things happen.
I also took leave today to do urgent stuff like process documents, look for maids (immediate serving ideally visit HDB, make sure I actually have a working pump, and of course to see that my mum lives beyond today.
See, all I want is just write. Why is this happening to me? I don't understand.
But while I'm rather patently ignorant about reality (Urgh - CPF...Ahhh what logistics, what tax levies...), the good thing is I'm stubborn and insistent person who is all too willing to yell and fuss and overwhelm ppl with my powerful English and determination to get my way. Most importantly, I was ignorant, true, but that's only because I couldn't be bothered, which means it's a temporary state. Now that life has irritated hell outta me, I'm just gonna find out and fight. Make sure we dun lose out. Oh bloody hell.
I'll be in parts of Tampines later on to check on maid stuff, so if any of you have maid information or even better, recommendations, please contact me like immediately today, if you can, or the next few days (not so great 'coz I want one soonest) .
In the past, I asked what the fuck I am doing with my life. These days, I wake up asking what the fuck is happening to me. But there will never be an answer, and maybe he's right, it's inexplicable. It happens. And it's there. Maybe I shouldn't begrude him for hesitating because he's only telling the truth. But that's me getting sentimental in moment of need.
Now excuse me while I do everything else, and stop writing.
雨下了走好路 這句話我記住 風再大吹不走囑咐
雨過了就有路 像那年看日出 你牽著我穿過了霧
叫我看希望就在黑夜的盡處
哭過的眼看歲月更清楚 想一個人閃著淚光是一種幸福
又回到我離開家的小路 你送著我 滿天燕子都在飛舞
雖然一個人 我並不孤獨 在心中你陪我看每一個日出
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