Will I ever write again? Blogging doesn't count. Right now I'm printing the various Chinese 文艺小小说 I have been working on for the past four years on and off. In between, I have been distracted by real life, academic essays, people and the likes. And because I insisted I had no time, out of sheer impatience, I turned to writing English poetry. While a certain amount of work is required to construe the framework, I do find it much less strenuous than attempting to sit and write in Chinese.

I take a long time to choose my words when it comes to Chinese. Everything has to be laced subtlely, delicately without it being in-your-face (meaning crass and coarse), and yet emote intensely to the reader. I can't fake it when it's in Chinese. I have to be involved personally, absolutely. Which is why by the time I actually finish a piece, I feel quite depleted; because the entire piece is replete with me, which is quite terrible in the revealing, revelatory sense of things. I hate it when ppl ask me if it's real, because it never is not and it's gonna embarrassing. Anyhow, Chinese - it needs a really important situation to shape the story, really strong and overwhelming feelings to drive me to write, and usually, a Very Significant Other (yes, I only write romances, and the occasional, somewhat obligatory friendship piece).

So far my last complete piece is probably more than eight months ago. Meanwhile, I play with phrases in my head and jot down hurriedly when I remember and can find paper and pen, so that in the seemingly eternally deferred future, I may find some use for them. But I should start soon, and continue. While I call my works 文艺小小说, actually they can be read disparately or as a long novel, depending on how I decide to break them up (I am not prolific but I do write to commemorate and dun forget, I have been writing informally since JC). I fantasise about publishing my works as a three part novel chronicling the relationships of someone seeking and yet questioning/doubting love.

So the final work is philosophical in nature, tragic, beautiful and comtemplative. I hope it gets ppl to think more deeply about some painful things. So my romance is not a cliche. But it also means while I take great pain to craft my romance using more evocative language, half and more of the population in Singapore would not be able to comprehend because of the ridiculous standard of Chinese here. Does it matter? No. I don't write for Singapore. I write selfishly for myself and the he, who would never know, can never understand, how every line is inspired by his careless cruelty and callousness. I write to understand the bathos and pathos of modern pseudo relationships and if it rakes in money, great. If not, well not so great but at least I get an orgasm everytime I reread what I wrote. Anyway,I'm sure Hong Kong, Taiwan and China would take my works more kindly and seriously.

I finished Novel One last year but it's quite raw, though what's there is there. I just need to rework it a bit. I'm simultaneously working on Novel Two and Three and I keep jumping from stages to well, other stages and it's due time I attempt to link all stages and at least tidy to make it flow more coherently and continuously (modesty is a virture :) even though the story is still on going in real-life.

But like I constantly swear to myself to be more pro-active and thick-skinned to promote my works, I need to while writing still, find means to be published somehow. So anyone know of good, reputable Chinese mags/papers locally and internationally (I have never submitted to any before for Chinese), drop me a line pls and let me know. Help a struggling writer, artist and student (now add struggling executive)!Oh, I also do movie screenplays, currently working on one as well, in very slow progress coz The Novel is my priority. I also write songs, with help of by Chinyi's score which we shall find out this week whether we are good or just a bunch of deluded nuts when we meet later to sound things out.

I suppose I can always write in English and submit stuff quite easily. But I just get more kick and satisfaction from writing in Chinese. English - I will like to freelance reviews for plays and movies. Publish my book of love poetry. Stuff like that.

Someday I hope I never look back mockingly at myself, bittersweet and thwarted in life, and remarked how silly I was once to think I am a struggling genius. That shall not happen. And I am "recognised." Just to remind myself again, when I do submit, I can be published (so just work on it, babe!), like QLRS. And there was that radio segment of me done by the now defunct Passion 99.5FM. Well, the programme host chose me, as a writer, to be interviewed. Even though I totally kinda screwed up during then (so bad, I din even dare listen to my bit that was apparently broadcasted four times...eeks!!! I also conveniently omit to tell interested parties when the broadcast would be on...it's so bloody embarrassing). These are little progressive steps I shld hold on to and encourage myself when the rough life gets rough-er and the tough gets older and mellow-er.

Fight on, babe, if you aren't gd enough, who else is?

So yes, print out nicely first, whatever I have already typed out in Chinese and slot them in a nice new clear folder file. Then sort out the bits and pieces I have scribbled so far and try to arrange them usefully. Type out properly those already more or less completed works. Continue working on all works and source for them to be read by appreciative (in the i-can-understand-chinese-well) critical mass. So that I wouldn't get feedback like: It's a bit cheem hor; cld you pls tone down; probably the mainstream market can't understand etc etc. It's very hateful and distressing to hear such remarks. Because I seriously think your lousy grasp of Chinese does not in any way cast suspicion on my works and is totally irrelevant. If you understand and you have criticisms, I will gladly accept all. But to blame my writings as un-sellable or cheem (in the I can't understand what you are saying at all sense) is just so horrid. Just tell me your Chinese is very bad and perhaps, it was not a great idea to volunteer to be my test read.

Sigh. I need someone based in HK, China or Taiwan to convince me.

踩著月光 打开车窗 离开这城市 想找个解放
一路开往 最高那一座山 孤单的想像 寂寞的逃亡

我想是偶尔难免沮丧 想离开想躲起来
心里的期待总是填不满
我看著山下千万的窗 谁不曾感到失望
就算会彷徨也还要去闯

关于未来 只有自己明白 不想让心情 被现实打败
一路开往 最高那一座山 孤单的想像 寂寞的逃亡

我站在靠近天的顶端 张开手全部释放
用月光取暖给自己力量
才发现关于梦的答案 一直在自己手上
只有自己能让自己发光

(逃亡 - 孙燕姿)