我只是，想你而已

saying again
if you do not teach me I shall not learn
saying again there is a last
even of last times
last times of begging
last times of loving
of knowing not knowing pretending
a last even of last times of saying
if you do not love me I shall not be loved
if I do not love you I shall not love

the churn of stale words in the heart again
love love love thud of the old plunger
pestling the unalterable
whey of words

terrified again
of not loving
of loving and not you
of being loved and not by you
of knowing not knowing pretending
pretending

*

I have resolved to call for the past few nights this whole week. Something simple, like hey, are you dead. What happened to you? Yups, no sms foreplay. Just a straightforward call, after a year, because I'm a straightforward girl with nothing to hide, or be ashamed about.

But every night this week, I will return home late, and I tell myself to leave it to the day after. There really is no hurry, is there.

Tonight, Jamie Cullum kept me company, as I fidgeted, and think, and think. Yes, present tense, for it was never past.