Q & A

Is there ever a right time to ask questions, so that you optimise the possibility of getting the answer you wish to hear?

I have stopped asking altogether for that one person who matters. I hear the same things over and over again.

Yet the inability to ask is obviously killing me, since it leaves out any possibility of getting an answer at all by not setting up the crazy context. At least I can be hopeful the moment before the world comes crashing down if there is a question to begin with.

I end up asking other people about most ordinary of things, just so the repression surfaces itself tangentially and I feel less bad.

I am dying.

Do I really want to ask, or am I just whining, because life is too staid and fucking dull?

Over sms to Minxiu last week: Why is life so boring? Is it because I do not have a lover?

Minxiu: You are asking me? Should go and read my blog.

But back to asking questions.

There is a right time, but there’s a catch, for the answer can be a lie.

Have you ever liked me? – No.

So I was a substitute. – Yes

If the above are the answers you wish to hear, well and good. Congratulations on being the recipient of my half-truths, for asking in an impossible context, when we both know better.

离开你是傻是对是错 是看破是软弱
这结果是爱是恨或者是什么
如果是种解脱 怎么会还有眷恋在我心窝
那么爱你为什么

Maybe if he comes back to me, I would realise, that once again, like it was so many silly years ago, it was absence that moulds him into an image I worshipped, that he could never live up to.

So the outcome of past few months of deprivation – no contact cold turkey – is rearing its ugly head. I alternate feeling proud and shit. I am suddenly snappier towards friends (I blame them for not being him, for not being like him), and sometimes overwhelmingly appreciative they are just there to tide me over this present screw-up state.

I went to Kbox Cineleisure last night, and then to Cocco Latte @Gallery Hotel. Reached home at 4am.

Asked my companion, why’s a girl like you doing with a guy like me on a Friday night.

I refused to dignify that question with a reply. The truth does nobody good.

But you know what. I can tell you the secondary truth if you are reading: You are relatively charming and we can hold a nice conversation together with no strings attached. Company is ok, and you sing.

Hell, I can share the primary too. Truth is, I’m running away from an image in my head (not my heart, please. I told you it lies uselessly in a chute, spread-eagled. Doesn’t seem too eager to return).

Thank you my friends and especially my sister, for being really here, there and everywhere, and putting up with little eccentricities magnified by work and lack of a lover. For those who can’t be here (Ezo – My thoughts are with you too - and Huixin etc), I carry your good wishes wherever I go. For those who care deeply but are not in the know ‘cos they never know I have a blog and I seldom do updates, I know you will jump in at notice.

But for those who read my blog without a squeak and who once lay claims to knowing me intimately, I say what goes around, comes around. Fuck you.

I’m such a softie.

从女性观点让我明白地说
无论你是挖心掏肺呼天抢地 或是热情如火
不止白白惹人讨厌让人嫌你罗嗦 恨不得没跟你认识过
你讲也讲不听听又听不懂 懂也不会做你做又做不好
你现在唱个这样的歌 你到底是想对我说什么

有太多男女就象你就象我
年纪轻轻开始拍拖纯纯的爱或者天雷地火
眼看卿卿我我眼看情海生波
最终日子还得往下过
你可以说我冷漠或是怪我刻薄
我到想等着看你没我能不能活
你现在唱个这样的歌
你以为我们之间还会有什么