While the blog is used for cathartic and prosthetic purposes, I realise there are still a lot of things I can't put to words. Like what really happened. Partly because I feel very protective and possessive of certain memories, and to tell would somehow desecrate (and cheapen significantly) my precious treasury and rip them of the premium I place on them. Some times I do feel it's a shame that I can't convey more but to a larger extent, I feel it's all very embarassing what is done and said by all involved, and I consciously trail off and practise brutal self-censorship.

Some things are best left unsaid and unread. But I know, and I remember, and I write into little convoluted love mood pieces to commemorate everytime it happens.

I'm blogging this in the middle of a story that I have left untouched for a couple of weeks. Going back to work on it but I felt the need to blog this.

Given my frantic embarrassment and the deliberate suppressing of crucial information, I acknowledge it is difficult to help me work things out, since I always downplay intensities on both sides, even as I pretend to tell my story. So, given my friends can't grasp the situation as ideally as I like, it's forgivable :) 'coz i dun offer information freely. I forget, you know, that only I am really in the know (and naturally someone else as well) and if anyone can make a fair-as-fair-gets judgement on whether it is dead-end, profound or sado-masochistic, plain screwed and so on, it's me.

I'm in a fairly good mood since this morning, having got down to work ie writing moody love pieces. I'm rewriting something I wrote 6 years ago and it's uncanny how some emotions and experiences still stay, even as the writer has strayed and the recipient has become another. But I see the familiar erupting euphoria, uncertainty, lostness and occasional resolution to leave the situation for good.

Plagiarising myself (after my rewrite in 2004 based on the 1998 draft), some excerpts:

习惯了杞人忧天，通畅的思维恍如隔世。 我终於钻出了牛角尖，不再 把我的若有所
失寄人篱下。 人总得为自己的感情负责，别重蹈其覆辙。

在没有什么事情发生的无聊状况下，唯一能够做的是走。等，不在考虑的范内，因为
本身就不愿自动自发使任何什么刁出来。既然选择以一款疏离的姿态侧视过去，不
招惹现在和你，众计之中，走为上上策。

都去吧，我已准备离开了。决裂之间，在那稀薄得几乎隐形的缝隙里求存的是什么，
我已没精力理会。反正算是伤口的伤口马上就会愈合，仿佛此事从未发生过。若有
寄生物不知好歹的残留着，就让它疯死、封死在里头。我早厌恶顾他人的感受，包
括自己的感情在内。流连忘返也总该选选地方，看看人。别浪费那股暖流在匪夷所
思的寂静里。

I have left behind some baggage for good when I thought it would be difficult. As far as logic goes, when applied to my 2004 situation, it can be done; it needs only time, even as I note the slight discrepancies (which kinda strengthens the case why it is more difficult now). But with the backing of history, the odds are in my favour.

I wish I know someone's baggage. He gives the impression that he has never carried anything (even though he has good veins) vaguely akin to baggage (or even torch) to spill over. If he does have, it would make sense why he is doing this to me. If he doesn't have, it would make sense why he is doing this to me. Well, so I guess it doesn't matter?

Anyway, I'm really happy that the A-Bao and Brandy duo won Best Group Vocal award. I love that 城堡 song. *celebrates* Yes, it used to be my theme song ala Ally McBeal style, and it still is, now and then.

我看见了爱情的城堡覆盖一层薄雾的面纱
我跟随着好奇的步伐潜入寻找爱的玫瑰花
谎言在玄关里的油画涂满了最缤纷的情话
传说中被它迷惑的人就得丢出手中的白手帕

看浮雕像谁的拥抱在烛光里邪恶微笑
我看见墙壁上写着笨的人就请你相信爱情
爱像密室里的珍宝要对的人才找的到
谁选错的爱的通道你的心就会被关进地牢

爱是太神秘的城堡我是不听话的主角
想要偷窥爱的面貌你别想给我幻觉的圈套
爱是难攻陷的城堡我是太骄傲的大盗
赶快献上爱的美好乖乖走进我设下的怀抱

是谁在白象牙的走道保持礼貌迎接我来到
我紫色水晶的酒杯装着狩猎快乐的迷药
我穿上晚礼服的腰是他情愿服从的线条发
即使走进爱情的城堡我也要用骄傲保持我的骄傲

我要的我一定要得到你没有要不要的烦恼
准备好接受你的心在爱的城堡你已无路可逃