The Theory & The Story In An Analogy
The result of pursuing, or rather, indulging in the desire for a meaningful life is emoting an awful lot because you are addicted to a spark of feeling that you are living, in the more than just breathing-and-eating-and-shitting way. The feeling is, as feelings are, slippery and therefore elusive, occasionally misleading, and even when you think you have it, stays nascent and nebulous for the most part.
A meaningful life, loosely interpreted by myself as constantly and consistently having new experiences; vivid experiences in which I take away something (usually intangible, but there have been literal times) from situation or person and leave behind something else in turn to impact its dynamics or for the person to think about, and always done with good intent on my part, is exhausting to implement. The up side is that after a certain point of planning and waiting (which is really also part of the big picture of experiencing), things pretty much roll on their own and are completely unpredictable. Meaning is therefore found and created by the way you review and react to these exciting, if trying, times. And because a meaningful life is a forward-looking one, if you buy into this, you are likely to be motivated and driven to make things happen (nothing is more scary than a seemingly simple, boring and calm existence) and a malcontent, simply because nothing is ever enough to plug (or purge) that pitted heart of dreadful desire.
2008 has been, so far, an eventful and hence, meaningful year for me. I confess to cowardice (more so than inertia), which led to an unprecedented lengthy period of hiatus from my online refuge, thus the spotty updates. Now looking back, it was foolish of me to stop documenting because us pseudo-intellectuals always have to write to heal, and I have my right to tell my story; to remember that the written word helps to maintain my sense of judgment and balance and I need not go obsessively over and over incidents in my head or repeating the story 10 times to different individuals as a genuine appeal for wider perspectives (and obviously, for affirmation and support and when the network breaks down, as it often does).
Something happened to me yesterday and it is not something that I can brush aside easily because of the inherent unfairness of it, and the foul play that was really foul. I have been working on a project basis because the most recent full-time job was incompatible with what I valued. I guess there are times when things are too good to be true but wisdom only comes with the benefit of hindsight. Anyway. For that employment, to use an analogy, it fell deeply on love with me and wooed with passion and swooping swiftness. I was flattered and moved, and I fell in love too. So trustingly, I left the first lover for it. The love didn’t last very long. The lover was possessive and vampirish, and I felt drained for the most part. But I convinced myself I was learning (and I really was!) and this is part of the experience I want. Believe me when I say that I tried to make the relationship work. After a few months, I finally acknowledged that it was not meant to be and decided to walk out on this toxic relationship. I was regretful but determined. With dignity and integrity, I exited.
Subsequently, I met someone two weeks ago who professed a strong liking for me. It was an informal proposal in which a formal one would follow, with the usual wedding and diamond ring. I was worried for the new lover when the renewed proposition was delayed. And question marks start popping in my head when the new lover sms-ed me for a discussion over tea.
The new lover was open-minded and honest in communications. I was told the ex-lover had attempted to smear my name. I can only infer the extent of the venom. Must be very bad when it arouses the suspicion of sabotage. I must admit I was quite, quite taken aback by this turn of events. My new lover was generous and said it was willing to overlook the past – could be true, could be untrue – I can prove to the future instead. It just wants me to know that it knows.
This is the first time such a thing is happening to me. Like you read it in books, you watch in movies and hey, when it just happens to happen to you, your mind goes blank for a while and you could only scream silently inside you: why, why, why and marvel at the outright deceit and how ridiculously low the ex is willing to go just so to 干掉你, to 赶尽杀绝. I have nothing to be ashamed of about this past relationship so imagine my pain and incredibly offended sense of justice when I learnt of this. Yet I am powerless to do anything right now, except to wait.
While waiting, I decided to right the wrongs and write for the selfish cathartic sense of purpose.
A meaningful life, loosely interpreted by myself as constantly and consistently having new experiences; vivid experiences in which I take away something (usually intangible, but there have been literal times) from situation or person and leave behind something else in turn to impact its dynamics or for the person to think about, and always done with good intent on my part, is exhausting to implement. The up side is that after a certain point of planning and waiting (which is really also part of the big picture of experiencing), things pretty much roll on their own and are completely unpredictable. Meaning is therefore found and created by the way you review and react to these exciting, if trying, times. And because a meaningful life is a forward-looking one, if you buy into this, you are likely to be motivated and driven to make things happen (nothing is more scary than a seemingly simple, boring and calm existence) and a malcontent, simply because nothing is ever enough to plug (or purge) that pitted heart of dreadful desire.
2008 has been, so far, an eventful and hence, meaningful year for me. I confess to cowardice (more so than inertia), which led to an unprecedented lengthy period of hiatus from my online refuge, thus the spotty updates. Now looking back, it was foolish of me to stop documenting because us pseudo-intellectuals always have to write to heal, and I have my right to tell my story; to remember that the written word helps to maintain my sense of judgment and balance and I need not go obsessively over and over incidents in my head or repeating the story 10 times to different individuals as a genuine appeal for wider perspectives (and obviously, for affirmation and support and when the network breaks down, as it often does).
Something happened to me yesterday and it is not something that I can brush aside easily because of the inherent unfairness of it, and the foul play that was really foul. I have been working on a project basis because the most recent full-time job was incompatible with what I valued. I guess there are times when things are too good to be true but wisdom only comes with the benefit of hindsight. Anyway. For that employment, to use an analogy, it fell deeply on love with me and wooed with passion and swooping swiftness. I was flattered and moved, and I fell in love too. So trustingly, I left the first lover for it. The love didn’t last very long. The lover was possessive and vampirish, and I felt drained for the most part. But I convinced myself I was learning (and I really was!) and this is part of the experience I want. Believe me when I say that I tried to make the relationship work. After a few months, I finally acknowledged that it was not meant to be and decided to walk out on this toxic relationship. I was regretful but determined. With dignity and integrity, I exited.
Subsequently, I met someone two weeks ago who professed a strong liking for me. It was an informal proposal in which a formal one would follow, with the usual wedding and diamond ring. I was worried for the new lover when the renewed proposition was delayed. And question marks start popping in my head when the new lover sms-ed me for a discussion over tea.
The new lover was open-minded and honest in communications. I was told the ex-lover had attempted to smear my name. I can only infer the extent of the venom. Must be very bad when it arouses the suspicion of sabotage. I must admit I was quite, quite taken aback by this turn of events. My new lover was generous and said it was willing to overlook the past – could be true, could be untrue – I can prove to the future instead. It just wants me to know that it knows.
This is the first time such a thing is happening to me. Like you read it in books, you watch in movies and hey, when it just happens to happen to you, your mind goes blank for a while and you could only scream silently inside you: why, why, why and marvel at the outright deceit and how ridiculously low the ex is willing to go just so to 干掉你, to 赶尽杀绝. I have nothing to be ashamed of about this past relationship so imagine my pain and incredibly offended sense of justice when I learnt of this. Yet I am powerless to do anything right now, except to wait.
While waiting, I decided to right the wrongs and write for the selfish cathartic sense of purpose.
1 Comments:
In these cases, the ex-lover should be gang-raped by transvestite prostitutes, spat on, run over repeatedly with a van, beaten to a bloody pulp with a baseball bat (with a nail through it), set on fire, or all of the above.
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