I Will Turn You Into A Sexually Virile, Intellectual, Well-dressed Prince
Said I, waving the sugared wand for the third time - and hence using up the last of the wishes – in Meritus Mandarin.
How the hell did I find myself with him again at 1am?
He was working as my driver for some barang after work > he wanted to stop at Suntec to pick up his new phone > we had dinner at Tony Romas – his treat ‘cos he insisted he had to reward me for completing the marathon > we ended dinner about 11pm, which was a reasonable go home time.
Then he went: Shall we have some drinks?
I am the cool girl, right. So I said yes and we promptly ended up in the hotel lounge. Sigh, I know, this is playing out like some horribly written affair, minus the sex.
Am I being ridiculous, or worse, hypocritical for feeling uncomfortable? I was feeling strangely compromised during the whole time we were together (enjoyable, yes, but compromised nevertheless) and the feeling hit me like a truck the next morning and for the subsequent days. No sex, but I felt dirty. Which was like duh!!!! Why do I feel shortchanged – are we not hanging out platonically, the way we have always been? Does having a better half really change the dynamics? And WTF, I’m not even the one with the partner.
I doubt it’s guilt; 我没那么伟大 – I think it’s a “me” induced emotion ie 对不起我自己 - I felt taken advantage of, hence the whole compromised-ness of things. I’m at the losing end. At the end of the day, he has a Charlotte to return to, and I’m still Carrie, without my Mr Big. And I’m saying this because at the hotel, he said he likes Charlotte and his girlfriend was Charlotte, while I was obviously Carrie (still in his words). And I was obviously rolling my eyes by then: so why are you with Carrie now.
And if we elevate ourselves to the meta state of things, I kick myself for even being annoyed, for thinking I am being taken advantage of, because does it not show at some point I feel he’s deriving some kind of exclusive pleasure in my company that he should be getting from Charlotte instead of Carrie? Am I over-flattering myself? We are merely servicing each other, as platonic good friends should. Would I be so indignant if it were Deputy Best Friend, Minxiu or Ryan? No – so I’m having double standards here and it’s giving me a headache as I try to rationalise my discomfit away. Is staying away from him the only way to feel good about the situation?
All these feelings erupted only in the morning. When we were at the hotel lounge, it was easy banter and for better or worse, knowing that there is a girlfriend in the picture made a lot of topics accessible and safer. And it was fun talking about some things for the first time.
So. Screwed. Up.
How the hell did I find myself with him again at 1am?
He was working as my driver for some barang after work > he wanted to stop at Suntec to pick up his new phone > we had dinner at Tony Romas – his treat ‘cos he insisted he had to reward me for completing the marathon > we ended dinner about 11pm, which was a reasonable go home time.
Then he went: Shall we have some drinks?
I am the cool girl, right. So I said yes and we promptly ended up in the hotel lounge. Sigh, I know, this is playing out like some horribly written affair, minus the sex.
Am I being ridiculous, or worse, hypocritical for feeling uncomfortable? I was feeling strangely compromised during the whole time we were together (enjoyable, yes, but compromised nevertheless) and the feeling hit me like a truck the next morning and for the subsequent days. No sex, but I felt dirty. Which was like duh!!!! Why do I feel shortchanged – are we not hanging out platonically, the way we have always been? Does having a better half really change the dynamics? And WTF, I’m not even the one with the partner.
I doubt it’s guilt; 我没那么伟大 – I think it’s a “me” induced emotion ie 对不起我自己 - I felt taken advantage of, hence the whole compromised-ness of things. I’m at the losing end. At the end of the day, he has a Charlotte to return to, and I’m still Carrie, without my Mr Big. And I’m saying this because at the hotel, he said he likes Charlotte and his girlfriend was Charlotte, while I was obviously Carrie (still in his words). And I was obviously rolling my eyes by then: so why are you with Carrie now.
And if we elevate ourselves to the meta state of things, I kick myself for even being annoyed, for thinking I am being taken advantage of, because does it not show at some point I feel he’s deriving some kind of exclusive pleasure in my company that he should be getting from Charlotte instead of Carrie? Am I over-flattering myself? We are merely servicing each other, as platonic good friends should. Would I be so indignant if it were Deputy Best Friend, Minxiu or Ryan? No – so I’m having double standards here and it’s giving me a headache as I try to rationalise my discomfit away. Is staying away from him the only way to feel good about the situation?
All these feelings erupted only in the morning. When we were at the hotel lounge, it was easy banter and for better or worse, knowing that there is a girlfriend in the picture made a lot of topics accessible and safer. And it was fun talking about some things for the first time.
So. Screwed. Up.
2 Comments:
For what's worth, if you don't mind comments from a stranger. Maybe some distancing will be good if you are feeling this way? Think it is rather hard to see someone you are attracted to before, as just a completely platonic friend in a rather short time.
A week later, I'm glad to report my indignation has subsided and right now the prevailing feeling is that I'm too good for this, intended or otherwise on his part. Having an ego is a wonderful thing (and obviously, so is being in deep denial, ha!). It also helps to see on facebook a supremely unflattering couple picture that makes me go eek and now that's just me being mean and petty.
Well, the end of a chapter and I close with mild regrets.
Thank you for reading.
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